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Online love


James121

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For what it's worth, I dated a handful of other folks -- all *not* online-first relationships.

 

(And I had sex with a couple more than that, 'cause I'm sexual.)

 

(Many of those people also interacted online. And attended our wedding. Which is to say, online and in-person lives were not distinctly different realms.)

 

The relationship that started online first was the one that lasted.

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Seems like the younger ones are more open to online relationships than older folks like myself. I didn't grow up talking to others through the internet, so its kind of awkward for me even though I try to be open and wouldn't shy away from an online relationship. 

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On ‎1‎/‎15‎/‎2019 at 3:58 PM, Ceebs. said:

Online me is a much more honest and open version of me, truthfully

.

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29 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Online me is a much more honest and open version of me, truthfully. I mean, in getting to know someone I want to be close to, anyway (inclusive of friendships, not just romantic relationships). It's essentially the same me that you get in person if you know me really really well. So it's a type of communication that allows for something genuine as opposed to an overly nervous, self-conscious, closed-off me who's obsessed with self-preservation.

Are you in my head?

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@Ceebs. I think I'm pretty good at expressing myself in writing, a little laconic, but there is always the face and the body language that is missing in internet communication. It takes more time to figure people out when you can't see them in my opinion.

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I think online cuts down on so much inner noise that it’s an advantageous start for some who may need that.  It also allows for intimacy, honesty and an otherwise harder to hit openness.

 

Naturally gregarious, it would never have occurred to me that I’d find my most significant life connections online, but that’s what happened.  (And I grew up playing games on telnet - the original chat rooms?!?). 

 

Anyhow, I find it ironic to have met both my husband and lover online and suspect it may be due to hitting levels of depth faster which I look for in men.  I also think writing reveals more about a person than they may not otherwise share.

 

For me, there’s this tendency to intentionally throw men into the friend zone in person in order to keep them safely back until I can first figure out exactly what I think, then how I feel. Yep, ever the logical and rational one here on the path to letting go....online helps further that process more rapidly.  

 

No, I’d never keep an online only relationship. I can’t imagine how that would be fulfilling for me. Chemistry, touch, physical entanglement is always a goal.  Expressing love through touch....there’s nothing better IMO.

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I believe that online-only relationships have the potential to be meaningful and fulfilling but I don't think I'd be capable of that personally. I've been an avid internet user since the age of 12 and never made a friend online. I think I need to be able to see them in the physical world, at least occasionally. I do like the idea of online dating because I can put stuff like my orientation and desires out there from the very beginning without it being awkward. The coy way people talk about dating with people they know irl can be really confusing for me.

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I think the added wrinkle that might rule it out for me is that part of how my introversion presents is... I find spending even limited 1:1 time with many people draining. This has nothing to do with how much I like them, or even enjoy the time we do spend together, and it’s not universal - there are a few people I find neutral or even energizing.

 

I would not be able to sustain an in-person relationship with someone whose presence drained me.

 

The catch, though, is that in most cases I can exchange emails, texts, etc., with those same people fine.  I can even IM/text with them constantly.  One of my current best friends in the universe falls in this category; he and I have been friends for two decades.  Two other past close friends fell into this category as well.

 

So, I could conceivably develop a very close online relationship with someone and then meet them and... uh oh.  I’ve had that happen with friends.  Sometimes it has no real impact on the friendship, especially if we live far apart and probably always will... but it would be a major problem in a relationship that wasn’t destined to be online-only forever.

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

I think online cuts down on so much inner noise that it’s an advantageous start for some who may need that.  It also allows for intimacy, honesty and an otherwise harder to hit openness.

I can definitely see the reasoning behind this. Better friendships start online for me. 

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2 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Online me is a much more honest and open version of me, truthfully. I mean, in getting to know someone I want to be close to, anyway (inclusive of friendships, not just romantic relationships). It's essentially the same me that you get in person if you know me really really well. So it's a type of communication that allows for something genuine as opposed to an overly nervous, self-conscious, closed-off me who's obsessed with self-preservation.

That's an interesting take. I assumed that it would be much easier to put on a facade online. You can only hide things in real life for so long (distance would change that a lot though). I prefer the real deal, even though I have to settle for maintaining relationships through different technical devices. Then again, I'm not a people person and putting on a show doesn't come with any benefits, particularly if you're someone like me. You're going to get 100% Homer either way. (AVEN gets maybe 90% because of ToS, but you get the idea :D).

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I get that. Mostly because I suck at forming adequate sentences in real time. (Even mostlier I am surprised that there are people who don't immediately bolt when they actually meet me.)

 

The only thing I really don't get is actual online dating. Like, forums are fine, but dating profiles just have this "SALE: 50% off of leftover bread from yesterday" vibe to me. Can't help it.

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@Ceebs. Same (about online being a more easier medium for me to reveal oneself to others than in real life). And I've read this is common for many introverts, too (to feel more comfortable expressing themselves, online). The times I tried being more open and honest about personal things to my friends or adults in real life, when I was a kid, they turned out to not really take the time to understand and listen to what I was saying, how serious and upset I was feeling, etc., and decided to try to minimize and brush off the abuse I was going through, as though it was easy and no big deal when it really was; it's been more helpful to discover a more variety of people, online, who've been through what I have and who understand my feelings.

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8 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I also have difficulty being too inauthentic, actually. I can be very brief and closed-off with someone and not at all interested in sharing things about myself, which will paint a rather shallow and incomplete picture, but I... I dunno, outright inauthenticity doesn't sit well with me. I have great difficulty pretending to be someone I'm not. It makes me too uncomfortable for my own sake.

It takes too much effort for me. Plus, if I feel good from interactions or attention, I want it to be because of myself. It's one of the many forms of my vanity. 

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Well for me... I got smacked in the face after trusting people, big time. I'm shit at letting go, these events still haunt me years after they happened and I know that it's affecting the way I (am able to) approach new relationships.

 

In theory, I can log out here and never come back. (In practice, I know that's just lying to myself :D) However it's a nice option to have, something that doesn't really work in real life. Unless there's some distance, of course.

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29 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Haha yeah, I can agree with that for sure. And I don't think it's vanity. :P I think it's wanting to be appreciated for who we actually are, just as we are. That has a very real impact on good psychological wellbeing. What value is there in being liked or loved for something you're not?

Some might argue wanting to be appreciated for who we are is vain. :P But I think of it positively, like with selfies. Without an online environment, selfies would be much less meaningful. It's showing your best side. Some people think that's inauthentic, but it's no worse than a first date or a job interview. 

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I can't do online relationship forever. Distance is tough to deal with due to lack of physical touch. My biggest problem is describing physical touches using words. For some reason, when intimacy is described using words, it creeps me out. (Unless its expressed using just one or two words- like hugs and kisses). Like, if someone were to hug IRL and describe what they are feeling in each part of their body while they are hugging..... would be so creepy! :blink:

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14 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

And there's nothing wrong with showing your best side, because it's part and parcel of who you are. We just have messy sides too, 

I like the way you have worded that!

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Yep. I'd certainly be inclined to say so. The entire reason I ever met my SO was through online. I never would've bumped into her in the street or anywhere else. And I spent a good year or so getting to know her through online means before we both decided to take the last steps and meet in person.

 

You've gotta think of online relationships as a different approach to the normal approach is all. Instead of relying on random chance on a smaller scale and testing your luck with the awful population of people at large through trying experiences, you try your luck with a larger pool of people to filter through and a greater chance of finding somebody who's more mentally compatible.

 

Rather than rely on physical attraction you get the bond of mental attraction first. It's a bit like an inversion of things. And there's a process to it all. Of course, the final endgame of online relationships is meeting in person and finding out if you're physically compatible in interaction, since the one thing that online can't convey is all the subtle details and tricky spots of how people interact.

 

But as far as online relationships go, I'd say yes that online love would be a thing. It's on a different level than physical, and I'd say that you can't top physical intimacy in person. But I've walked on both sides of the fence on this one. While online lacks the final aspect of physicality, it still retains a great number of attributes that can coincide with love.

 

If I can speak candidly, I've bumped into somebody online lately that I get along with quite well. Even though I only know them through online means, they've a positive impact on my physical life right now. And that means quite a bit to me during this poor time of year. If one can influence me so greatly while not holding physical presence, then yes, I'd wager to say that online love is a legitimate thing. Just a different form is all.

 

How two people get along in life doesn't bother me. If they need computers to do it, then I ain't gonna claim illegitimacy by it, since at the very end of the day I can never truly place myself in their shoes and understand the depth of what they're feeling. If it feels legitimate to them, then it's legitimate.

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5 hours ago, MiseryInvictus said:

Seems like the younger ones are more open to online relationships than older folks like myself. I didn't grow up talking to others through the internet, so its kind of awkward for me even though I try to be open and wouldn't shy away from an online relationship. 

I'm interested to know how old you are now :P

 

but yeah I can see why people who had less online interaction growing up would be wary of online relationships. They'd also have less idea what to look out for with catfishing and that can get people in a lot of trouble if they're not careful!! 

 

Then again, as others have said, you have a chance of being lied to in real life as well. I find it easier to find out someone's true motivations online personally that's why I prefer beginning any friendship or relationship as an online interaction. :)

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I think it depends a bit on what you want from a partner/partnership too.

 

Heartfelt conversations and emotional support will be easiest in whichever space and format come most naturally to you.  Making chicken soup when you’re sick, helping out with “two sets of hands” things, and sharing touch (sexual or just friendly/comforting) means having someone local.

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20 minutes ago, MiseryInvictus said:

I feel like I'm 7000 but I'm only 39

Hah I was asking because I'm 30 but I definitely feel old too, maybe not 7000 (though I'd love to have knowledge of like 7000 years of existence, all the people who lived during that time and the kingdoms that were built and fell, and the battles etc 😍)..but pretty old. Just mentally, very drained a lot of the time. It's amazing how much difference 9 years can make when it comes to online stuff though! Where I lived, the internet was just becoming a 'thing' in my teens. I lived way out in a very tiny village in the middle f a damn rainforest though, haha ...I'm surprised the internet got there at all if I'm honest :P

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We

2 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

though I'd love to have knowledge of like 7000 years of existence,

Let me tell you the golden rule of human existence: if humans can find an little difference between an individual, a class, or a state they will drive a wedge in there and make it a way to dominate each other. And throw money in there, whoop what a conflagration of hate and murder you'll have

As far as internet goes, we had horrible internet that only rich people could afford and was charged by long distance fees. My friends dad had it so I used it some there. But I didn't have reliable internet service until I went to university in 2005

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11 minutes ago, MiseryInvictus said:

Let me tell you the golden rule of human existence: if humans can find an little difference between an individual, a class, or a state they will drive a wedge in there and make it a way to dominate each other.

Yes and i want to sit on the outskirts of society and watch it all happen :ph34r:

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Some of it depends on what you do for a living, too.  I’m way older than both of you but my degree is in technology... I’ve had IT jobs most of my life and have consequently been talking to people online almost as long as it was possible.  On the other hand I hate a lot of social media - especially anything focused on connecting people “on their behalf” and/ot real identities - so there are plenty of modern things I’ve shunned completely.

 

I’m the ancient anomaly on tumblr, twitter, and insta who eschews facebook, second-life-type games, and dating sites.

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I similarly was socializing on the internet in earlier years (mid 90s) and the idea that you could make friends that way was foreign to most people. I had falling outs with irl friends because I talked about online people as if they were friends (which they were). I didn't intend to keep it all online or all anonymous, even though this was in the era of 28.8k modems and no digital cameras. Since then the internet and world using it has grown more accepting of forming bonds this way and I'm glad to see that change. Online relationships can be very meaningful if physical touch or proximity isn't an issue. 

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