space ace with a mace Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 ok, so I'm asexual homoromantic, and I have a crush on my friend. She's smart, funny, talented, and really pretty, and I can never stop thinking about her. The problem is, she's asexual aromantic, so there is zero chance of her ever liking me. I can't help but be head over heels, and all of my other friends have noticed and think it's adorable, but I love being her friend, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable. My idea of a relationship is pretty chill, basically just friendship but with more cuddles, but she doesn't know how to deal with human contact sometimes, so I try to avoid hugging her as much as I hug my other friends. She's already had a problem with one of her friends liking her and it ruining their friendship, as have I, so I really don't want to ruin what we have because she is an awesome friend and is really fun to be around. I'm trying to get over her, but she is literally perfect in every way and she is mesmerizingly beautiful and she... just is the coolest person ever so I'm having trouble with that. I wish she liked me back, but I in no way want to invalidate her romantic orientation. What should I do? Should I just suffer until I get over her? Should I tell her that I like her, but I don't really want anything to change? Am i an asshole for wishing she liked me back, even though she doesn't and that won't change? TLDR: I have a crush on my friend who is aromantic and I don't know what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 You cant help the fact that we humans are what we are. Its sad that it works out that we always seem to want what we can never have. I would imagine that it would ruin the friendship, so if you value having her around at all, it may be wise, though extremely difficult and downright depressing, to put those feelings in a little box and bury them deep in your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
iam135 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 I don't know your friend and I don't know your friendship, so I can't really answer this question very effectively. But, if I were in her shoes, I'd want to know what was bothering my friend, even if it was something that had to do with me and even if it wasn't something I couldn't really fix. So I say talk to her, but make sure she knows two things. First, emphasize the fact that you know a romantic relationship isn't going to happen and that you're okay with that. I know that, if I were her, I'd be worried that you were just using the friendship as a means to achieve a romantic relationship, so emphasizing your intentions would give me some piece of mind. Second, tell her what she can do in order to help you cope with your feelings until they pass (which, from what I understand about all this romantic stuff, they should) - more distance, less distance, no change in distance, whatever. Again, if I were her, this would give me a lot less guesswork to do and it would make me feel like I can actually be helpful to you, which would give me piece of mind. If, after all that, she still wants to break off the friendship, I'd say let her and don't spite her for it. It's her friendship too, after all - if she thinks it's unhealthy for her, it's her prerogative to jump ship. And, of course, you have that same right if you ever find all the emotions too much to handle. Best of luck to you 😊. This one's is definitely a toughie. Link to post Share on other sites
CajunAce Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 There are queer platonic relationships. They're closer than friends but not romantic partners. There's cuddling, kissing if that's ok, living together, maybe even raising a child together. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 @space ace with a mace Welcome to AVEN! You could talk to her about a Queerplatonic Relationship, http://wiki.asexuality.org/Queerplatonic Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 You want something she never will. She isnt into physical contact so even in QPR status you wont get what you want. So... I would say just deal with the feelings and dont burden her. You already know its hopeless and it will pass with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 4 hours ago, space ace with a mace said: Should I just suffer until I get over her? That's going to be it. Sucks, but this too shall pass. Link to post Share on other sites
lilgroundhog Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Just be her friend. Link to post Share on other sites
space ace with a mace Posted January 14, 2019 Author Share Posted January 14, 2019 wow, thank you to the people who responded so quickly. You guys rock! I'm going to try my best to get over her, and not let my feelings ruin our friendship, but who knows if a QPR would work out bc I don't really need physical things that I don't already get from my amazing friends, and we have agreed that if we are still friends when we are older, we'll get platonically married for the tax benefits and that sounds awesome to me. Again, thank you to everybody, this was my first time posting and I am shocked at how I got help so quickly! I know this sounds like I made up my mind really quickly, but I've just been needing to hear people say what you guys said to really help me. Also thanks so much for the cake! Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 You're not an asshole of course, but saying anything won't make a difference. Echoing others here and just suggesting you continue being her friend. I know it can be painful (been there, done that; moral of the story: don't crush on straight girls haha), but in situations where there's an orientation mismatch, there isn't a whole lot that can be done about it and it's probably best not to make it awkward. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 I personally would always at least tell friends if I feel that strongly about them, even if I know they wouldn't reciprocate. To me it's a matter of honesty; it wouldn't feel right to keep those things to myself. But I would make it clear that that's all it is; basically an admission of how cool I think they are, and that I don't expect anything in return (I really don't; my feelings toward people don't depend on reciprocation in order to feel fulfilling) Even though I've experienced my fair share of unreciprocation when doing this, I've never destroyed a friendship this way, for what it's worth. Usually, the other person has felt flattered, and then life moved on. YMMV Link to post Share on other sites
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