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I don't know who I am or what I am


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If anyone could give me any advice it would be much appreciated. I'll be as brief as I can.

 

I first lost my virginity at 13. To a boy i was with at the time for a year altogether in the end. Was ok. Didn't have sex too often.

Then I had my second partner. This was when problems began and I was advised to see a sexual therapist, which I did only twice or so. They basically said don't know what's wrong with you, as during sex with my then partner I would keep on switching off during sex, start crying randomly or just push him off me. I wouldn't then want him to touch me for a few good says afterwards. This is what basically killed the relationship as I thought maybe it's just something wrong with him so I cheated on him. Like an absolute idiot. I was now 15/16 ish. Had slept with a fair few people by this point. Alot of them were potential partners, but I always would switch off during sex etc. 

Fast forward to now. I'm 25. I've lost count of how many sexual partners I have had. I now have a lifelong STD. It's very difficult to find a partner now due to my STD and also due to my fluctuating mood swings surrounding sex. I also used to do escort work on and off for a few years from the age of around 22 up until around 5 months ago or so I stopped doing it. I hated it. Trust me. I absolutely felt disgusting doing it but I needed the money. It got to a point where I was almost crying during sex with these randomers, so I had to call the escort work off.

Fast forward to now. Been seeing this guy on and off for a few months. I've really fallen for him. He's lovely. But I've only ever had sex with him successfully twice (where he has finished and I have actually let him). He keeps on messaging me saying are you going to sit on me later, etc etc and it makes me feel sick. I used to always want to have sex but it's like I was never fulfilled afterwards you know? So I would go out and search another guy. And then another guy. And so on so on. And now we are here. I don't know what to say to him. He says sex is really important to him, but at the same time I cannot go on living like this and pretending to like sex or just pushing him off simply when he tries to initiate anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. In the last few months whenever we have split up, I've slept with like one friend. And then another friend. And both times, I've hated it. I mean these are people I've always lusted after and always wanted and nowadays when I do get to do the deed with them I'm just not feeling it at all. I like the kissing part sometimes. I like the foreplay sometimes. But once it comes to the actual intercourse or making me too wet etc I just switch off. What shall I do about this guy? What is wrong with me? Please help. I'm on so many antidepressants nowadays due to my mood swings but this hasn't been the case all of my life only for say the last 3 years or so, so it doesn't explain my feelings surrounding sex the whole of my sexual life so far. 

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letusdeleteouraccounts

It sounds like you’re lithsexual to me. The lithsexual description is for people who feel sexual attraction towards people but lose the attraction when the other person expresses feelings of sexual attraction back

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6 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

It sounds like you’re lithsexual to me. The lithsexual description is for people who feel sexual attraction towards people but lose the attraction when the other person expresses feelings of sexual attraction back

Oh wow ok. I've never even heard of this. So even if I don't feel like they have any sexual attraction back for me though, as majority of the time they didn't and I was just something to use, like a ragdoll, i still switch off? Even if I'm really mega attracted to them too 😕

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letusdeleteouraccounts

I’m not really sure on that one tbh 😕 I know there’s fraysexuals who lose their sexual attraction after an emotional connection is formed and regular people who are just sex repulsed where they feel sexual attraction but are repulsed by that attraction

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2 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I’m not really sure on that one tbh 😕 I know there’s fraysexuals who lose their sexual attraction after an emotional connection is formed and regular people who are just sex repulsed where they feel sexual attraction but are repulsed by that attraction

It's so weird how much I fluctuate. I always want the guy to reciprocate my feelings for them 9 times out if 10 i do. I know I cannot make them and majority of the time guys just wanted to use me or pay to use me. So alot of the time I haven't felt anything for them anyway or I felt like I had an itch to scratch kind of feeling but then it was never fulfilled and scratched right if that makes any sense? I love having a long term relationship and haven't had one for a long time. Majority of the time they fizzle out due to my sexual appetite quickly depleting x

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25 minutes ago, crazylady9090 said:

But once it comes to the actual intercourse <snip> I just switch off.

This describes me pretty well, the moment it gets to close.. *shutdown*... Freeze. Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope ....

 

So the actual desire for me to, isn't there. And, to go a lifetime without actually having partnered sex. I don't really care about it. I don't have stress so to say about this. It's... ok :)

 

But, then again, I don't know if my mental health stuff is clouding all these. *shrugs*, and recently, on anti-depresso's/anxiety too...

 

 

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I would think this is something to explore in therapy, with a good behavioral based therapist. It sounds like you have desire, repulsion and perhaps trying to use sex to fulfill something that is coming up empty, thus unappealing... but you need to figure out the what you are trying to get from so many sexual partners and the why its repulsing you instead. And that is probably going to take a professional who can ask the right guiding questions. 

 

If you stopped having sex, you would miss it ? And want to go find someone to do it with ? 

 

Have you ever tried going without sex for a bit to see how you feel? 

 

Do you think its you cant connect emotionally with them during? 

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13 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

This describes me pretty well, the moment it gets to close.. *shutdown*... Freeze. Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope ....

 

So the actual desire for me to, isn't there. And, to go a lifetime without actually having partnered sex. I don't really care about it. I don't have stress so to say about this. It's... ok :)

 

But, then again, I don't know if my mental health stuff is clouding all these. *shrugs*, and recently, on anti-depresso's/anxiety too...

 

 

I can definitely say that with regards to my mental health meds and other medication i am on, my feelings towards sex have just become more be known to me, if that makes sense? It's not like my meds have fluctuated my libido or anything. It's basically still the same. It's just trying to find something or someone out there that understands or feels the same. I know what you mean with the whole nope nope nope thing lol xx

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13 minutes ago, Serran said:

I would think this is something to explore in therapy, with a good behavioral based therapist. It sounds like you have desire, repulsion and perhaps trying to use sex to fulfill something that is coming up empty, thus unappealing... but you need to figure out the what you are trying to get from so many sexual partners and the why its repulsing you instead. And that is probably going to take a professional who can ask the right guiding questions. 

 

If you stopped having sex, you would miss it ? And want to go find someone to do it with ? 

 

Have you ever tried going without sex for a bit to see how you feel? 

 

Do you think its you cant connect emotionally with them during? 

At this moment in time if someone said to me you cannot have sex for the next year I think I would actually be ok with that. It's getting to the point now that whenever I do decide to have sex i feel so much more down and depressed for a couple days afterwards. Whether we have a connection or not, something ruins it. Either the fact that I know they don't really like me for me, or maybe it's because I cried during the sex with the love of my life and that's upset them and turned them off me and then sex has had to cease, etc etc. There's always some form of let down around it. Whenever I have tried to speak with my therapists about it they just don't seem to know what it is and don't have an idea or a handle really on asexuality x

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On 1/14/2019 at 2:40 PM, crazylady9090 said:

Whenever I have tried to speak with my therapists about it they just don't seem to know what it is and don't have an idea or a handle really on asexuality x

Any chance of finding a different therapist with more experience in this area?

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Okay, don't feel like you need to answer this on the board, but were you ever sexually abused? Because I see a lot of red flags in your story - sex for the first time at 13, more partners than you can count, being part of an escort service, shutting down and not being able to enjoy sex with someone you actually care about. 

 

If I'm off-base, I'm sorry and just ignore me. But your story just makes me think you're dealing with sexual trauma. And I think it is very hard for people to figure out their sexuality if they've been abused, partly because two common reactions to abuse are to have sex with lots of partners and/or to become repulsed by sex entirely.

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On 1/20/2019 at 9:21 PM, MLJ said:

Okay, don't feel like you need to answer this on the board, but were you ever sexually abused? Because I see a lot of red flags in your story - sex for the first time at 13, more partners than you can count, being part of an escort service, shutting down and not being able to enjoy sex with someone you actually care about. 

 

If I'm off-base, I'm sorry and just ignore me. But your story just makes me think you're dealing with sexual trauma. And I think it is very hard for people to figure out their sexuality if they've been abused, partly because two common reactions to abuse are to have sex with lots of partners and/or to become repulsed by sex entirely.

I am so sorry that I haven't been on here to reply to you sooner. I appreciate your response and honestly I do. It's not the first time I've been asked if I have some form of trauma in my childhood etc.

the simple answer is - I don't remember an awful lot. I couldn't even tell you what I did yesterday majority of the time. So with regards to my childhood when people ask me, including my therapist, my answer is always 'I don't remember.' I've been looking into possibly going to a past life hypnotherapist as they sometimes can help you go back into your current life. But a few that have come back to me have said they cannot work with me due to all of the medication i am on xx

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