Your Ideal Relationship(s)

[firewallflower]

Poll out of the way (sorry, I love statistics 😝), title says it all—hence, being the person I am, I shall proceed to say it all again anyway. Forgive my redundancy (and speaking of redundancy, I haven't seen a thread quite like this, but if there is one and I missed it, my apologies).

 

From romance to coworkers to cha'lekets (*cough* sorry, the Liaden devotee in me forgot for a moment that we don't live in a fictional universe 😹 the concept of heartkin is beautiful, however), we all have interpersonal relationships of one variety or another. Most of us, I suspect, also have some idea, at least on some level, of the kinds of relationship(s) that we might potentially like to be a part of (not to mention the dream partner(s) we might envision in these dream relationships).

 

So, I suppose this is the place to rant, wish, and revel about those ideals, existent or hypothetical. Whether you want a QPR with a history buff, an artistic lover who has cats, or a friend group sharing your passion for Lord of the Rings, it's all fair game here. Feel free to be as idealistic/unrealistic as you like, and/or to discuss relationships you're in, relationships you've been in previously, or relationships you hope to be in at some point in the future.

 

Lest idealism get too depressing, let's all strive to bear in mind that many people, asexual and sexual alike, ultimately find great happiness and fulfillment in relationships and with partners that may not at all match that idea of the "ideal relationship/partner". Human emotions/bonding tend to be pretty unpredictable when it comes to these kind of things. ❤️

[Guest]

A really casual friendship with Leon Kennedy would be cool, or Squall Leonhart. I'm fascinated by males like that but I don't want to be partners with anyone.

[erf]

Just friends

[Ceebs]

Non-ace here, dunno if my input is of any interest.

 

Currently in a serious long-distance romantic/sexual relationship that's been off and on for a few years but is more committed now. I've had a prior sorta-romantic relationship (a marriage, actually) with an attempt at sexual stuff in the beginning, but our orientations turned out to not match (he's hetero-romantic ace, I'm gay and sexual). We still live together essentially as family... it's a bit complicated... although I imagine that arrangement will change somewhere down the line. AVEN would probably term it a QPR, although that's not really my ideal, it's just what came about due to the circumstances. Definitely plan on remaining close friends though, regardless. I'll always consider him family of sorts. Otherwise, I'd rather work on building something more with my current partner. And yeah, other friendships are important to me as well, although I'm not the most social of people and things like chronic illness and mental health issues have gotten in the way of having a more active social life. I'd like to have a bit more of one eventually.

 

The exclusivity thing is... well, I've been alright with various things at different points. In the context of a romantic/sexual partnership, I honestly prefer exclusivity if my relationship needs are being met.

 

I've never had visions of an ideal partner when not with someone, no. I suppose I'd probably say that my current partner is my ideal, though.

[firewallflower]

32 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Non-ace here, dunno if my input is of any interest. 

Most definitely! Admittedly, the forum I posted this in is entitled Asexual Relationships, but there's a reason I included "Sexual" as one of the possible relationship types (and not just because some aces may still be or have been in sexual relationships). 😊 I'll add a little note about that to the top of the poll, actually, to clarify.

 

Thank you for sharing!!

 

32 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I suppose I'd probably say that my current partner is my ideal, though. 

That's wonderful.

 

[Ceebs]

Yeah I figured that since you mentioned sexual relationships, it might be alright to post.  I'm here on AVEN because I spent years questioning whether I might be asexual; that's how I met my husband. Just turns out I'm not, haha.

[Dr. Beat]

I just want really awesome friendships. I'm thankful to have some of those. I realize I'm kind of romantic because I've had some crushes in the past, but I also realize that even if I did end up in a romantic relationship I'd have no idea what to do. What do couples do in terms of nonsexual stuff? Hold hands? Kiss? Holding hands is sweaty and I find kissing gross for the most part. I like being emotionally connected with people and am even okay with platonic physical closeness kind of, (What do you call that? cuddling? I mean, I've slept back to back with friends on a cramped band bus if that counts, though only because someone's back is more comfortable than the seats) but I mostly just enjoy people that I can share jokes with.

[Ceebs]

Just now, Dr. Beat said:

What do couples do in terms of nonsexual stuff?

Bond over things they both hate.  

[Dr. Beat]

2 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Bond over things they both hate.  

Huh, that's how I made some of my best friends

[Ceebs]

Just now, Dr. Beat said:

Huh, that's how I made some of my best friends

See?! It works!  

[Ceebs]

Oh and I guess bonding over things you like works too.  

 

Couples do the same things that families and friends do, there are just other feelings (romantic and/or sexual) that exist as well, and those are expressed via certain types of emotional and physical closeness. 

[TrippleL]

I’m a biromantic asexual in a long term relationship with a heterosexual person.

 

I found the exclusivity question interesting, and hard to answer.

 

I’m sex-neutral so occasionally do have sex, and I would only do so in an exclusive relationship.

 

I consider myself a very romantic person, but I’m not sure deep down I believe 100% in exclusivity, except if it would hurt one of the people otherwise.

[Epitaph]

Well, I had the ideal relationship in my life at one point. Well, maybe not ideal, considering the way things ended. But for me, it fulfilled my existence as a person. Without going into spoilers, lately I find myself daydreaming over a certain somebody I met in my life that I wasn't quite expecting to. So it may be time to brush off my ideals of what a relationship means to me. So, here goes.

 

For starters to begin with, I need somebody that can keep up to my noggin or outpace me. I'd like to be able to agree with them on subjects of discussion, but also hold different enough views to challenge my own perspective on things to keep things spicy. I'd like them to be as adaptable as I am when it comes to thought and not restricted by anything.

 

My standard when I think of the ideal relationship is pretty much what it was. As partners, we'd be absolutely loyal to each other to a tee. We can exist in days together where we share hobbies and interests, or even work, or days that are completely silent, or days where the both of us are so busy with our own jobs to do that we've hardly time to meet up.

 

I'd like somebody who's both very homey in that they're reclusive and happy to stay at home, but also adventerous enough to want to explore the world together. In a partner I'd be looking for somebody who's interested in growth in life, because part of the fun in being together is sharing hobbies and new things and learning as people together.

 

And importantly, somebody who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty in the sense of physical labor or an environment that's not exactly "modern." I'm a tad old fashioned that way, and I'd be expecting or at least hoping that my partner tries to keep up with me in that sense, at least to the best of their ability.

 

Sex is an after thought to me, and yet it's not. On my own I don't desire it. In a partner, I'd need to trust them absolutely to open that door. Intimacy is important to me though on other levels. It's something that I can't much help. I've been on my own for so long and struggling with the black hole of loneliness that when I meet somebody that remotely cares about me I'm compelled to give them everything of myself in reverence and appreciation. That includes my constant worry for their wellbeing and happiness.

 

And lastly, and probably the most important, is the ability to accept my flaws. I'm not perfect. I've bouts of laziness and no matter how much I try to fight it, depressive episodes slow me down. In a partner I'd be wanting somebody who can weather those bad bouts of mine but inspire me to keep going. I'd be hoping that they could reciprocate the level of care to me that I'd try to give to them.

 

Basically just a real good buddy to truck along with me and vice versa through what's left of life. One can dream.

[Chihiro]

- My ideal partner would be someone who can make me smile/laugh/feel special.

- Is absolutely open and honest (I rather hear them say they will use and dump me in 3 days than pretend they will care for me forever. I will totally date the person who promised me to dump in 3 days but won't go anywhere near the pretender).

- They should be intelligent and unafraid to challenge my views, while being open minded.

- They better be adventurous, I might get crazy ideas from time to time and I would want them to participate (non romantic, non sexual, creepy ideas)  

- They should put up with my goofiness and annoyance along with everything else about me. I can be silly to the point of being annoying, so they better be patient.

- And finally, they should be happy with me and think of me as the best damn thing that has ever happened to them.

 

And I will reciprocate all the above to my partner. Sexually, err I dunno. I have no interest, but I would please my partner as long as sex is low priority for them.

[Dreamsexual]

.

[banana247]

I just want people that will be loyal to me... like probably forever? I don't become close with people that easily, so when mostly everyone inevitably drifts/moves on at some point, I remain attached and heartbroken.

 

That said, I have an intimate best friend, but we live far away now and I see her once a year at best. We cuddle and hold hands and it's my fave 🙂We're also both terrible at communicating, so it's kinda hard. But I feel like we both hang onto each other because we're really a pretty darn good match. I hope we can move closer together sometime soon.

[Lexicdys]

So, I'll start this off by saying I'm 31 years old (priorities change a bit at my age 😛)

 

I am very social and moderately active, so I'd like to find someone with similar interests. I also enjoy traveling, so finding someone adventurous would be great. I'm not disgusted by sex, but I'm not really interested in it as much and would not likely initiate it. I do enjoy some physical contact though, including kissing or hugging. 

In the future, I hope to have a family (likely adopt, as I can't really see myself having children naturally) and would like to get married and have my forever partner in crime. 

[SeeYa]

On 1/14/2019 at 10:49 PM, Chihiro said:

- My ideal partner would be someone who can make me smile/laugh/feel special.

- Is absolutely open and honest (I rather hear them say they will use and dump me in 3 days than pretend they will care for me forever. I will totally date the person who promised me to dump in 3 days but won't go anywhere near the pretender).

- They should be intelligent and unafraid to challenge my views, while being open minded.

- They better be adventurous, I might get crazy ideas from time to time and I would want them to participate (non romantic, non sexual, creepy ideas)  

- They should put up with my goofiness and annoyance along with everything else about me. I can be silly to the point of being annoying, so they better be patient.

- And finally, they should be happy with me and think of me as the best damn thing that has ever happened to them.

 

And I will reciprocate all the above to my partner. Sexually, err I dunno. I have no interest, but I would please my partner as long as sex is low priority for them.

This sounds like a good list to me!
For me, I would only have to add that such a person would have to put up with the fact I like using cheesy stupid terms of endearment... XP

(oh and I would not accept a sexual partner =\)

[Chihiro]

1 minute ago, StomachGod said:

This sounds like a good list to me!
For me, I would only have to add that such a person would have to put up with the fact I like using cheesy stupid terms of endearment... XP

I make up terms of endearment based on the interaction we are having or based on our inside joke. Its usually ridiculous  

I thought I was an odd one when I made that list, glad I am not the only one. So, hello StomachGod, nice to meet you!  

[SeeYa]

3 minutes ago, Chihiro said:

I make up terms of endearment based on the interaction we are having or based on our inside joke. Its usually ridiculous  

I thought I was an odd one when I made that list, glad I am not the only one. So, hello StomachGod, nice to meet you!  

Sounds like a good system to me! It might be slightly dependent on the inside jokes though... my ex-partner and I had some rather... sinister... jokes going on...
I thought it was a most excellent list! Hey hey! Nice to meet you to Chihiro!

[kaysir]

1. As a sex-averse pan-whatever, I could easily go many more years without sex, but I am interested in finding a person who I would feel comfortable being sexual with. I am also interested in romantic relationships and frienships. I don't define my QPR-like friendships as QPRs and don't intend to, so I did not vote for QPRs, but who knows about the future.

 

2. I've been in many friendships and a couple of slightly sexual relationships.

 

3. I'm currently in multiple friendships.

 

4. Exclusivity might be important at some point, and I do like being able to say "This is my xyz" but so far I don't mind too much if my xyz has another xyz.

 

5. I used to have some distinct types, but I realized that IRL I like a variety of people. I have some basic traits that I look for, like going above the bottom bar for human decency lol, but I don't have any physical features in mind.

[HonoraryJedi]

It is a little difficult because I don't entirely understand where the line goes between "QPR/intimate friendship" and just "normal" friendships. And when hearing explanations on QPRs, I do not entirely understand where the line goes between that an a romantic relationship. And it is an interesting thing, because very intimate friendships is what I truly want to achieve. I put in both.

 

I have been in one non-sexual romantic relationship that I tried to push to a more 'no labels, we just exist and like eachother' space. It didn't work. The romance overtones were directly uncomfortable to me.

 

The exclusivity question is also difficult to answer. I want to feel like I am important to the people I care about. But for the specific types of relationships I am interested in, exclusivity would be entirely weird. "I am your best friend and you can't have a better friend than me!" sounds really toxic and controlling. I would never want to be that person, and I would not agree to that rule myself. It just doesn't make sense. So I put in 'no'.

[Strifed]

I like being just close friends with 3D people and never had a romantic or sexual relationship with a real person, but as you can see in my rom/sexuality tag I would prefer being with fictional characters in that way. If you count a "relationship" as imagining a character in a relationship with you, imagining what daily life would be like with them, imagining a family, etc, then I guess it would fall under "other" type of relationship. I also imagine it as a monogamous thing, so commitment would be important. I never really had an idea for an ideal partner honestly, but I think everyone wants to end up with someone that treats them well, understands and supports them, calls them out when they're wrong (in a nice way though!) and helps them keep growing as a person, and is basically their best friend. It's difficult explaining this (everyone hang on with me haha), but when I imagine things with these characters whether it's platonic or a romantic love I imagine that they would be that way. They may not be the perfect partner or friend, but they work for me!

 

I guess I just like characters I'm able to relate to and are very "human" (have flaws and the character is written in a way that their behavior makes sense, even if I don't agree with it. I love a well written character), I think are attractive, and I pick the same qualities in a character as I guess a person would pick with a real person when they want a relationship (kind hearted, trustworthy, open minded, funny, a bit of a dork, etc.). And I guess that's how I ended up "with" Cloud.

[CassieCat]

I’d just like to have a relationship with a male or someone nb where the most intimate thing we do is hold hands and maybe head leaning. Anything more than that makes me nauseated.

[firewallflower]

Hm, I suppose I should probably chime in on my own thread. 😝

 

In terms of my current interpersonal relationships, I have depressingly few (outside of my family, whom I love and have deep, meaningful relationships with, but that's obviously a separate category) that go beyond friendly acquaintanceships—though I freely admit that's primarily my own fault, given my asocial inclinations and my general stiffness around other people, even people I very much like. I have a few friends (at least one of whom I'm very close with), but not many, and the word "friend" also has a lot of weight for me, which means I'm wary of applying it to people with whom I'm merely on friendly terms. I do want to get to know and befriend more people, but... well, it's easier said than done.

 

I think I was finally able to articulate to myself the other day what is that I want in terms of a one-on-one relationship (eventually—I don't know that I'm ready yet, at this point in my life, but someday): I want a partner. Not a sexual partner (not only does sex not appeal to me, I'm also fairly averse to even the thought of it), not even necessarily a romantic partner (theoretically, I like the idea of romance, but—while I have no actual experience—I'm not sure if that would hold true in practice; plus, I'm not sure whether I'm capable of romantic attraction in the first place, so there's that question too). What I want would probably be described as a QPP, I suppose, but the term isn't important to me. I want partnership. Emotional intimacy and trust, yes, most definitely; but not just that. I want a long term commitment, mutual support and companionship, someone I can count on to care for me, someone to count on me to care for them... someone to spend my life with (the idea of a marriage appeals to me, if the right person, looking for the same thing I'm looking for, were to materialize). Someone with whom to spend time, to pool resources, to weigh options, to plan lives. For this reason, in this dream partnership, exclusivity is definitely of importance to me—for practical reasons as well as emotional. One can achieve emotional closeness with multiple people without these relationships necessarily detracting from one another. But the type of arrangement—of sharing a life—that I envision really would have to be exclusive.

 

On the whole, my primary models (cliché or otherwise) for this ideal relationship of mine are my parents. Of course, like any individual or couple, they have their flaws, but they're also pretty darn close to being perfect together. When I think of what I want for a relationship, it's what they have—the level of commitment, the mutual love and caring, the way they have so much in common yet complement each other in the best of ways—that's what I long to have at some point in my life. That's what I dream of... except, you know, without the whole kissing/sex thing, which does throw a bit of a hitch into those dreams. 😕

 

As to what that ideal partner would be like, I don't have a clear picture of them in my mind so much as a collection of qualities that a) I tend to look for in anyone I'm in any type of relationship (even a basic friendship), and/or b) I imagine being either crucial or at least very helpful on a functional level in a life-partner. It would be nice if I found them aesthetically attractive as well, sure, but that's not of the utmost importance, and regardless, if I care for someone enough, chances are I'll start finding them aesthetically attractive even if I didn't originally. Shared values/ethics, Jewish/on board with keeping a Jewish household, common interests, musicality (not a must-have, but hey, if we can play duets together... 😍). Personality traits—loyal, kind, patient, open-minded, honest, intelligent (they don't have to be a genius, just... not boneheaded, you know? Though then again, I can't imagine why an intelligent person would want me as a partner, but that's another matter... ),  probably introverted (at least, I need somebody who's fine with sitting side by side for hours on end reading without saying a word), but also more outgoing than I (because a) if we're both as shy as I am we'll never meet/get to know each other in the first place and b) practically speaking, going through life together, at least one of us had better be able to talk to people, and it's not me ). A potential partner wouldn't necessarily need to have all these qualities, but at least a good number of them. (It would also be helpful to have someone who's good at and enjoys cooking, because I don't. 😉)

 

So anyway, that's my starry-eyed fantasy; apologies for the length. I highly doubt it will ever happen, but one can always dream. It's truly amazing just how much it is possible to romanticize a non-romantic relationship. 😔

[MLJ]

1. Friendship - I like having friends, though I don't have any close friends now, and I'm fine with that.

 

2. I have had friendships before as well as sexual/romantic relationships.

 

3. None, unless you want to count casual friendships.

 

4. Yes - If I had a sexual/romantic relationship, I'd want it to be exclusive.

 

5. "Yes, a fantasy" is probably the closest answer. At this point, I don't have any desire for a romantic or sexual relationship. However, I have been in love before, and so I can imagine that it could possibly happen that I'd meet someone I'd want to be involved with in the future. If I did, I'd want someone who was intelligent, honest, and had good character. He'd also almost certainly have to share some of my passions, which mostly revolve around writing and helping kids. I think if I met someone who was passionate about the things I am that that could spark my demisexuality and make me interested in a relationship. But it would be best if it was someone who had a low libido because while I'm okay with romantic behaviors, I'm not sure having sex will ever be much of a priority for me - even if by some miracle I happen upon someone I'm interested in being involved with.

[Midlander]

I'd like someone with similar interests and a similarly caring and kind personality. Someone who was in for the long-term as a platonic companion only.

 

In the future, I'd love to have a family and so my dream partner would be somebody interested in having children.

[Guest]

A roommate who talks to me basically. Someone who has some of the same interests as I do and doesn't mind giving me a ride around town to go DVD shopping every once in a while. No fuss, no muss.