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A bit of an awkward topic


nspwb

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Hi I am a self diagnosed asperger's/adhd so I am not good with words and can come across tactless and offensive but I am actually harmless.

I have a question. An awkward one. I would like an asexual relationship with someone, but how can i be sure they are asexual, given that we are communicating online and there are many unscrupulous people out there posing as people they are not.

I ask because although i am 52 years of age, i am naive and gullible and would hate to meet up with someone who has a large sexual appetite.

I have not been sexually abused in the past, (well, I was molested when drunk a few years ago, - I don't drink now, and also a few years ago when foolishly unconscious and drunk I think I may have been violated in my lady parts, as it felt 'different' down there the next morning, i wont go into too much detail.

Anyway, how can I be sure that the person i meet will be asexual and not just another person wanting to sexually take advantage of me?

Thanks and sorry for awkward question. Was gonna post in meetups but thought here would be best as not ready to venture out.

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It does sound like you were violated and may be a worried that something like that will happen again. That is normal, and it can be hard to work past for anyone.

 

Asexuality is still not well known to the general public, so most predatory people will not be pretending to be asexual, as asexual people will not typically be their primary target. But just like any online situation, you should take precautions when meeting up with someone. Meet them in public places first, and if they do things that make you uncomfortable, tell them that you feel uncomfortable. If they do not back off or respect your boundaries, leave and find someone else, because they are not worth your time.

 

Be sure to tell people you want to engage in a relationship with what you want out of it and what your boundaries are. Decent people will respect you even if it turns out they are not interested in the same thing you are.

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I dunno... maybe meet people at asexual meet ups?  Good luck.

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2 minutes ago, Grimalkin said:

It does sound like you were violated and may be a worried that something like that will happen again. That is normal, and it can be hard to work past for anyone.

 

Asexuality is still not well known to the general public, so most predatory people will not be pretending to be asexual, as asexual people will not typically be their primary target. But just like any online situation, you should take precautions when meeting up with someone. Meet them in public places first, and if they do things that make you uncomfortable, tell them that you feel uncomfortable. If they do not back off or respect your boundaries, leave and find someone else, because they are not worth your time.

 

Be sure to tell people you want to engage in a relationship with what you want out of it and what your boundaries are. Decent people will respect you even if it turns out they are not interested in the same thing you are.

Thank you both for your posts. Yeah I think I was possibly 'fingered' or worse, so can't even process it as I was unconscious at the time. 

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The lack of any references to sex in your conversations would be a big clue.  If someone has sex in mind, they will likely want to discuss or joke about it.  

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2 minutes ago, Muledeer said:

The lack of any references to sex in your conversations would be a big clue.  If someone has sex in mind, they will likely want to discuss or joke about it.  

I dunno, people are sly. Ive had abusive relationships which started off charming and turned abusive, so maybe a prospective partner may fool me into thinking he is asexual as Im easily fooled.

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I've dealt with monsters before. They know what they are. They don't want anyone else to know. They seem friendly and can even be charming. It is just their way of getting close enough to hurt you. One thing I noticed was I'd get insulted for no reason at all. This was just the monster testing me. They wanted to see how much they could get away with. Of course I was too polite to respond to the insult and I suppose it encouraged them. There then came a point where the mind games began. One of their favorite weapons is guilt. If they can make you feel that you are responsible for the mistakes they make they have what they want. Victims. Other times they concoct situations that make it look as though you have hurt their feelings. Again, guilt and shame. Their feelings were never hurt. I don't think monsters have feelings. They just want to hurt your feelings. Besides monsters there are also jerks, idiots and liars. Identifying them is easy. You simply end up feeling they are asking for everything and giving you nothing. Once again they pretend. They offer you a bunch of old stuff but what they are really doing is just having you clean their garage for free. You even haul the trash away. You are never really thanked, though. You are supposed to appreciate their generosity along with their garbage. Although I seem to exist all alone in a world of people who seem hard to get to know, I know myself that the sorts of broken people I've encountered are the exception and not the rule. I know there must be good people in the world. As for the bad ones, well I've become better at avoiding them. If one can get away from them, stay away from them no matter how much they want you to come back.

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54 minutes ago, thylacine said:

I dunno... maybe meet people at asexual meet ups?  Good luck.

Seems like the safest bet if you're really worried about your safety online

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8 hours ago, nspwb said:

I have a question. An awkward one. I would like an asexual relationship with someone, but how can i be sure they are asexual, given that we are communicating online and there are many unscrupulous people out there posing as people they are not.

Well..... There is no way to be absolutely sure unfortunately.

Like many other forums, Aven is likely to be populated by a variety of people.

There will be genuine asexuals, homosexuals, heterosexuals, and people who are purporting to be something they aren’t due to sexual fetish’s, instability, personal trauma and low self esteem.

 

I think it will just be a case of suck it and see.

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23 hours ago, Yeast said:

I've dealt with monsters before. They know what they are. They don't want anyone else to know. They seem friendly and can even be charming. It is just their way of getting close enough to hurt you. One thing I noticed was I'd get insulted for no reason at all. This was just the monster testing me. They wanted to see how much they could get away with. Of course I was too polite to respond to the insult and I suppose it encouraged them. There then came a point where the mind games began. One of their favorite weapons is guilt. If they can make you feel that you are responsible for the mistakes they make they have what they want. Victims. Other times they concoct situations that make it look as though you have hurt their feelings. Again, guilt and shame. Their feelings were never hurt. I don't think monsters have feelings. They just want to hurt your feelings. Besides monsters there are also jerks, idiots and liars. Identifying them is easy. You simply end up feeling they are asking for everything and giving you nothing. Once again they pretend. They offer you a bunch of old stuff but what they are really doing is just having you clean their garage for free. You even haul the trash away. You are never really thanked, though. You are supposed to appreciate their generosity along with their garbage. Although I seem to exist all alone in a world of people who seem hard to get to know, I know myself that the sorts of broken people I've encountered are the exception and not the rule. I know there must be good people in the world. As for the bad ones, well I've become better at avoiding them. If one can get away from them, stay away from them no matter how much they want you to come back.

Just dump people like that; get rid of them, get them out of your life for good.  Cease communication with them.  They will wonder why, but it doesn't matter.  Just dump them.

 

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On 1/14/2019 at 2:03 AM, Grimalkin said:

It does sound like you were violated and may be a worried that something like that will happen again. That is normal, and it can be hard to work past for anyone.

 

Asexuality is still not well known to the general public, so most predatory people will not be pretending to be asexual, as asexual people will not typically be their primary target. But just like any online situation, you should take precautions when meeting up with someone. Meet them in public places first, and if they do things that make you uncomfortable, tell them that you feel uncomfortable. If they do not back off or respect your boundaries, leave and find someone else, because they are not worth your time.

 

Be sure to tell people you want to engage in a relationship with what you want out of it and what your boundaries are. Decent people will respect you even if it turns out they are not interested in the same thing you are.

Hi and thanks for your post.

I know not to get drunk in future to the point of opportunistic sexual predatory behaviour vulnerability, if i was violated I think it would fall under that category, which is wrong, exploitative but I shouldnt have put myself in that postion.

Thanks for the valuable advice about what to do in a public place if I feel uncomfortable. 

Thanks for reminding me that decent people will respect me, the mistakes I have made in life are allowing people to breach my boundaries, not just sexually, but interpersonally in general. I can't blame any type of predatory behaviour on my perpetrators because it is always me that has allowed it to happen. I believe in karma too. Its controversial in western world, as I was emotionally and physically abused as a very small child, and I don't even blame them anymore, although I did for a long time. 

I believe abuse as a small child is karma from past lives.

The reason I believe in karma and reincarnation is because, for the very vast majority of the earth's existence, the very vast majority of humanity believed in it, but also, it makes perfect sense to me, as our bodies are just gross material vehicles for our souls, and its our souls that make choices and think thoughts, and this tells me that my early physical and emotional abuse was perpetrated on me due to my perpetration of abuse on a young child in a former incarnation.

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Joe the Stoic
On 1/13/2019 at 8:40 PM, nspwb said:

Hi I am a self diagnosed asperger's/adhd

I would recommend not self-diagnosing, for any condition.  You should see a professional before you advertise yourself in this manner.

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On 1/19/2019 at 2:28 AM, Vincent Van Schmo said:

I would recommend not self-diagnosing, for any condition.  You should see a professional before you advertise yourself in this manner.

I got a failed diagnosis because I was on drugs, I am fighting addiction in a postive way now. The test was done in 2015. I hope to be retested when I am drug free, I have to reduce slowly as its tranquilisers and reducing them too quick can be dangerous. Thanks though.

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