BossofRunes Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I feel this is what people would think if I said I was ace. They wouldnt say it, but they would think it. Like- I'm not crazy beautiful or anything. I'm not thin, I got a lot of pimples, my hair is a f**kin mess, and I sound like I hate everyone. That does not mean I am an incel, as what people assume I am. I would love to have a romantic relationship, just not a sexual one. I think this is also connected with being a younger person. You have pimples, you're trying to look good for everyone, etc. But I still think this is a crap arguement. Someone shouldnt judge you for how you look. That's shallow af. And it doesnt matter when you're ace, either(at least for me). As long as you're happy, how you look shouldnt matter in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
k87654321w Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I had a somewhat similar train of thought the other day. It was in the news in my area, about a teenage girl that had died in a car wreck. All you heard around here for a few days was, "What a shame. She was such a pretty girl!" Which, people meant well saying that, but... I had to wonder. Wouldn't it have still been just as much a shame, even if she HADN'T been pretty? Even if she'd been a malformed, scarred mess, a young life lost needlessly would STILL be a shame. The girl's looks were literally the least relevant thing about it all, but that's what folks chose to mention. Link to post Share on other sites
BossofRunes Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 4 minutes ago, k87654321w said: I had a somewhat similar train of thought the other day. It was in the news in my area, about a teenage girl that had died in a car wreck. All you heard around here for a few days was, "What a shame. She was such a pretty girl!" Which, people meant well saying that, but... I had to wonder. Wouldn't it have still been just as much a shame, even if she HADN'T been pretty? Even if she'd been a malformed, scarred mess, a young life lost needlessly would STILL be a shame. The girl's looks were literally the least relevant thing about it all, but that's what folks chose to mention. Yeah. It reminds me of Young Adult books/shows/movies. You would imagine the main character to be some hot girl, and not someone that isnt super beautiful and perfect. It shouldnt impact the fact that they're the main character, or in the case you gave, they f**king died. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I've struggled with low self-esteem for 15+ years now and something I've started to understand recently is that when you have low self-esteem you believe others will be as critical of you as you are of yourself. You're just speculating about what they think and that's hurting you, when in reality you don't know what they're thinking. People do have a tendency to react negatively when you aren't confident, though. For example, imagine there are two overweight women. One feels happy with the way she is and the other isn't. People are going to be a lot more accepting of the one who has accepted herself. I know it's shitty but it's the way human psychology works. You just need to build up your self-esteem, by finding out what it is you like about yourself and doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Conicidentally, I'm too an ace who is physically unattractive. I believe that attractiveness and unattractiveness are deeply intersectional situations for asexuals. I know only one side first-hand - the side of unattractive people. However, I have also seen comments by people who are attractive that "it's a shame they are asexual" or something like that. On my side it's the fear that people will doubt my asexuality because of my unattractiveness. The "You couldn't get laid anyway" rhetoric. Even worse: my experienced asexuality actually does have something to do with my appearance. It's a string of causes and effects, starting from my chronic illness, through its results - nudity aversion and sex aversion. And still I just prefer being functionally asexual. I'm certain that I could never be non-nudity-averse. So being nudity-averse to the point of being entirely unable to want to have sex is simply easier. But still it's culturally difficult because of how unaccepted such reasons are. Nowadays refusing to "celebrate your body" is seen as equal to shaming other people. Being a physically unattractive asexual, even worse - an asexual who admits being nudity-averse - means being completely exposed to nasty comments. Link to post Share on other sites
CajunAce Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Yeah, it's sooo annoying how shallow can be. I try not to care much about my appearance, but I still worry occasionally. Perfection is a self-created myth made by the heart's fear of rejection and the mind's desire for order. Link to post Share on other sites
CajunAce Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 What's a good comeback? Punching them in the face...saying "and your not too bright"... confuse them with kindess... scream and run away... Link to post Share on other sites
SeeYa Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Hmmm, call me shallow then but I prefer it if someone at least puts in a LITTLE effort... I don't think people have to look freckin amaze or whatever, just not look like a complete slob. Cause that just makes me think lazy & unmotivated, which are not traits I would like in a partner... Again it's not a case of being super gorgeous pretty whatever, it's just being tidy, the little things matter ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Quote I had a somewhat similar train of thought the other day. It was in the news in my area, about a teenage girl that had died in a car wreck. All you heard around here for a few days was, "What a shame. She was such a pretty girl!" Which, people meant well saying that, but... I had to wonder. Wouldn't it have still been just as much a shame, even if she HADN'T been pretty? Even if she'd been a malformed, scarred mess, a young life lost needlessly would STILL be a shame. The girl's looks were literally the least relevant thing about it all, but that's what folks chose to mention. Yeah, I always inwardly cringed at comments like those regarding a tragedy. Way to single out the stuff that really matters, guys. Quote Hmmm, call me shallow then but I prefer it if someone at least puts in a LITTLE effort... I don't think people have to look freckin amaze or whatever, just not look like a complete slob. Cause that just makes me think lazy & unmotivated, which are not traits I would like in a partner... Again it's not a case of being super gorgeous pretty whatever, it's just being tidy, the little things matter ya know? You can have whatever opinion you want with regard to appearances and what they mean (and as you suggested, people also have the right to the opinion that it's shallow if you take it too far), but the point of this thread is that someone's degree of prettiness/ugliness has no bearing on their sexuality or lack thereof. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 1 hour ago, k87654321w said: "What a shame. She was such a pretty girl!" That irritates me to no avail. I hate this as much as seeing a murder in the suburbs, and hearing that one interviewee stating: "This shouldn't happen in a neighborhood like this" vs happening, period. Like, anywhere else, is cool. Just not here. We have money here. The world is shallow. Everyone is shallow to an extent. Either more or less. Mind you, confidence is incredibly attractive. Confidence, and a great character is something people value more as they mature in life. When you're younger, people tend to be far more superficial. I used to get people tell me women probably just don't like you. You're ugly. Women would never date a guy like you. I'm highly competitive, mind you. Its actually what got me obsessed with working out, and keeping fit. My confidence skyrocketed. I can only speak as a man. A woman from my experience will take confidence over looks, every day of the week. Link to post Share on other sites
BossofRunes Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 1 hour ago, StomachGod said: Hmmm, call me shallow then but I prefer it if someone at least puts in a LITTLE effort... I don't think people have to look freckin amaze or whatever, just not look like a complete slob. Cause that just makes me think lazy & unmotivated, which are not traits I would like in a partner... Again it's not a case of being super gorgeous pretty whatever, it's just being tidy, the little things matter ya know? i know it's good to put in effort, but I meant for even if you put in effort, or you cant even help how you look. Like for pimples; they just kinda happen and you gotta deal with it for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Dr. Beat Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I am also pretty unattractive in my own opinion. I have a lot of blemishes, not the best teeth, and I literally haven't changed my hair style once. I pretty much just wear jeans and t shirts unless I have to wear something else. I also happen to carry myself in a way that doesn't usually draw attention to me, but I sometimes still feel stared at for the wrong reasons. My family really likes to talk about little imperfections I have like my smile being asymmetric. I just figure that you look good for yourself. If you want to change your looks, you have the right to do so. As long as it's healthy and it's because you want to do it, your style and looks are up to you. Other people can be shallow and you will never please everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 4 hours ago, CajunAce said: Perfection is a self-created myth made by the heart's fear of rejection and the mind's desire for order. I like the way you worded that. 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamsexual Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 . Link to post Share on other sites
BossofRunes Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 13 hours ago, Dreamsexual said: I not sure I can contribute much here, but I'm confident that being unattractive as a teenager contributed to my getting bullied a lot by girls - Same for me, but I dont actually know what they said about me. I gave them a death stare when they were pointing me out tho, lol Link to post Share on other sites
Joe the Stoic Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 It's possible to be unattractive and asexual. Problem is it's tempting to see singleness (or any problem) as having one easily solvable cause. "Oh, you just need a makeover." Haha, nope. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I think I'm strange because I have never found people to be beautiful that everyone else says are beautiful. I think beauty standards are established to sell products and to shame those who can't afford them or see through their marketing ploys. Its another game. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Quote I think I'm strange because I have never found people to be beautiful that everyone else says are beautiful. YEP. That's been me all my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't see much of a point thinking about what other people might think. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Some opinions are wrong though, and those are the opinions that need to be discussed. Beauty is a contentious issue that has real world implications so I find that all opinions concerning the topic are fair game. Link to post Share on other sites
James121 Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 On 1/13/2019 at 12:21 AM, BossofRunes said: I feel this is what people would think if I said I was ace. They wouldnt say it, but they would think it. Sometimes people think horrible things. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong. When I was at school, if there was someone who was out of my league so to speak, I would pretend I wasn’t interested anyway. I guess it’s a common trick people use to preserve their own dignity i.e. if people generally aren’t interested in dating someone, that person may find a way to legitimise the fact they aren’t either. Its very complicated and there are many variables. Link to post Share on other sites
CentaurianPrincess Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 People would say about an overly attractive girl that she wasn't really asexual just because men were attracted to her. Looks have nothing to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGagaIsMyGod Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 Personally I’m not very pretty and my wardrobe remains pretty consistent, rotating through the same T-shirt’s and jeans, and I’ve had the same hair for YEARS. I think beauty is how you perceive yourself in that moment and the mood your in. I mean I don’t know about everyone else but I can wake up on a Monday, look in the mirror and think ‘ Daamn I look good’ but I could wake up on Tuesday and think ‘What sort of hideous creature am I looking at?!? Blegh’ On the whole appearances affecting other people’s view of your asexuality, I’ve experienced this first hand. I’m pretty sure my friends didn’t intend to be so hurtful or crass but discussing prom, a friend said I didn’t even need to ‘ try and look nice, because you don’t need anyone to like you’ and I was kinda like ‘~FEMALE DOG ~SAY THAT AGAIN! COME AT ME!!!’ And im rambling, goodbye 👋 Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 5 hours ago, LadyGagaIsMyGod said: Personally I’m not very pretty and my wardrobe remains pretty consistent, rotating through the same T-shirt’s and jeans, and I’ve had the same hair for YEARS. Why change perfection? 😁 that's what I always claim, when I get called out on my complete lack of wardrobe variety. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyGagaIsMyGod Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 6 hours ago, Purple Wanderer said: Why change perfection? 😁 that's what I always claim, when I get called out on my complete lack of wardrobe variety Okay, it’s not okay to make me smile this early in the morning 😄 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloomy Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 I've seen people say that if someone if asexual or wants to be single then they must be ugly. I've actually had men(and a few women one time when I went to a gay nightclub) ask for my number, hit on me, etc. but I always politely declined since I prefer to be single. I guess some people just think its unfathomable for someone to not want sex, regardless of how attractive they look. Link to post Share on other sites
RedSheep2 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 On 1/12/2019 at 4:42 PM, k87654321w said: I had a somewhat similar train of thought the other day. It was in the news in my area, about a teenage girl that had died in a car wreck. All you heard around here for a few days was, "What a shame. She was such a pretty girl!" Which, people meant well saying that, but... I had to wonder. Wouldn't it have still been just as much a shame, even if she HADN'T been pretty? Even if she'd been a malformed, scarred mess, a young life lost needlessly would STILL be a shame. The girl's looks were literally the least relevant thing about it all, but that's what folks chose to mention. Uggh, I hate that line of thinking too. You don't have to be beautiful for your life to hold value. Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted January 16, 2019 Share Posted January 16, 2019 Op you cannot prove a negative to others. Its an ignorant argument, and shows how shallow, those are that claim it. No matter how good looking the people are that like you are, and you do not respond, people will always claim, there must be someone better looking that surely will turn you on. It just shows, total ignorance. I am just glad as a male, i stayed a virgin, and i got to see how females try to come near a male. I lol, at this argument, and i was proud i made it to 23 staying a virgin, when i openly said, i was the way i was. No female changed my mind, and no female ever will. Thats good enough for me. You can only prove it to yourself. I am glad i got to see how females that like you, try there best, lol. But i was destined to not have my life changed, and i could not care less, about such arguments as like on this thread. The definition, of asexual, is lack of sexual attraction for others, and i proved it to myself, beyond any doubt in my own mind. Females that liked me, did there best to change my world view, but none of them did, lol At 43 today, its been some 20 years now, since females has got near me. I aid back in 1998, i was finished totally with leaving it open, and said, i would never let females even bother again, as i proved it to myself. I confirmed i was asexual, and nothing will ever change that, ever. Its been some 20 years now, since i said, no female would ever get near me again, i was not going to leave it open anymore, and now at 43 today, i will always be proud, of the fact i knew, before i ever had any contact with females, that i would be this way. Like i said op, you cannot prove a negative to others, only yourself. If i was ugly back then, why did females like me? lol, and do there best to come near me. lol. It will always make, me smile, i stayed a virgin, while all the males around me, would be panting for females that liked me, lol. If i was ugly when young, no females, would of went to such lengths to try and come near me, lol. So thats my answer to this argument sexuals have, about asexuals. I am glad i am a virgin, and today at 43, will always be. I was also glad, that i got to see all types of ways females would try to come into your life, lol I know that alot of the females that liked me back then, most males would pant for. Thats what i say to this argument, lol Lots of males, do not get to see, how females try to come near males, and i am glad i did, lol As far as i am concerned, my life proved real asexuals exist. All the people whom say things like this thread about me, have no idea what they are talking about. If people do not think i am not pretty today, good for them. That should mean, no female should ever want to come near me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 17, 2019 Share Posted January 17, 2019 6 hours ago, RedSheep2 said: You don't have to be beautiful for your life to hold value. I love that. 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
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