smolbirdchild

Questioning My Sexuality

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smolbirdchild

Hello, friends! This is my first time posting, and I'm insanely nervous, so apologies if this doesn't make much sense.

 

So I have a boyfriend, and we've started dating recently. He's friends with my best friend, and we always joke about how he isn't going to have sex with me. In the beginning when we started dating (and we didn't know each other too well), I'd automatically say no to sex. Now, I've gotten closer to him and am more open to it, but I still find sex disgusting. The act itself seems gross. And I want the emotional connection with my boyfriend, not just a physical one. 

I came out to him as possibly-most-likely ace recently, just so he knew where I was coming from. Don't get me wrong I like him a lot, and I want to have a strong emotional connection with him. But I'm just not physically into sex. 

 

I know a lot of aspec people don't have crushes, but I did in the past. I used to like people for superficial things such as their appearance. But not so much now. I'm now in college and trying to figure everything out. Does have crushes in the past invalidate me?

 

Does this make me ace? Or gray-ace? Or demi? This is all entirely confusing, and I knew I was queer but never considered being ace before dating my boyfriend (mostly because I just ignored my problems and just had insane crushes). 

 

Like what even is sexual attraction? I used to like people because I thought they were cute. Is that sexual attraction? I've never considered having sex with anyone before, except in my stupid fantasies. 

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GoneForGood

Welcome to AVEN

 

Nothing invalidates you, you are valid and valuable no matter how you identify.

 

I don't see anything in what you have said which would indicate that you are not asexual.

 

Sexual Attraction is

Quote

Primary/Secondary attraction model - primary for self, secondary for others
This hypothetical model of sexuality takes the position that sexual attraction and desire can each be subdivided into "primary" and "secondary" forms:

Primary Sexual Attraction: A sexual attraction to people based on instantly available information (such as their appearance or smell) which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire.
Secondary Sexual Attraction: A sexual attraction that develops over time based on a person's relationship and emotional connection with another person.
Primary Sexual Desire: The desire to engage in sexual activity for the purposes of personal pleasure whether physical, emotional, or both.
Secondary Sexual Desire: The desire to engage in sexual activity for the purposes other than personal pleasure, such as the happiness of the other person involved or the conception of children.
(Sexuals experience all four, Demi the last three, Asexuals only the last if any of them)
http://wiki.asexuality.org/Primary_vs._secondary_sexual_attraction_model 

 

It is a tradition here to welcome new people with cake, here is a variety.
ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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TheAP

It sounds like you could be asexual. Having had crushes doesn't invalidate you; many asexuals have romantic crushes, just without a sexual component. And thinking someone is cute is aesthetic attraction, not sexual. It would only be sexual attraction if you wanted to have sex with the person.

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Slice of Ace

Hi, and welcome to AVEN! 🍰

No need to be nervous, everyone's super nice here 😊

From the sounds of it, you could be a hetero-/homoromantic ace (I couldn't tell your gender from the post). In the asexual community, we tend to split attraction up. The two main types are:

Sexual attraction: desire to have sex with someone

Romantic attraction: desire to be in a relationship or do romantic things with someone (i.e. kiss, romantic dinners etc.)

 

I identify as a homoromantic asexual (or gay ace) because I want to be in a relationship with another guy but I don't want sex. You can then use any prefix you'd use for sexual orientations for romantic ones (e.g. homo/hetero/bi/pan/a). Oh, and crushes are absolutely normal for alloromantic aces (asexuals who feel romantic attraction)

 

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Coddiwomple

Welcome to AVEN! As the other people said, you can have romantic, aesthetic, sensual, etc. attraction and still be asexual. I have romantic crushes on people and I'm still 100% ace. Here is a guide to some different types of attraction:

Spoiler

116c195438a9694585d81409c92833e8.jpg

 

 

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MichaelTannock

@smolbirdchild Welcome to AVEN!

 

No, having Crushes doesn't invalidate you.
We define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or even arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Platonic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a deep friendship with someone.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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GeekyGamerZack

I'm not sure what to add to this discussion, as everyone else has already gotten pretty in-depth and explained everything. I could go on a tangent explaining the long journey of how I discovered I was a homoromantic asexual, but I've already posted about that elsewhere on the site.

 

All I'll say is that how you describe your feelings suggests that you almost certainly are an [insert prefix]romantic asexual. Oh, and welcome to AVEN! Care for a slice of pavlova? 😊

800px-Pavlova_dessert.JPG

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