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PaintedOrchid

I have no idea what my sexuality is so hi!

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PaintedOrchid

Hi! I’ve been lurking on the asexuality forums for a while just reading and have finally decided to take the plunge and set up an account. I’m still sort of figuring out how to define myself, but this site has been really helpful. My story is a little convoluted and long, because I’m still puzzling it all out, so bear with me! I summarized it at the bottom ;)

 

I guess my first hints of being “different” were in the last year or so. I come off as the typical shy, booksmart girl, so I’ve never really dated much. Too awkward in high school, too busy in most of college to seriously pursue it. I always had a very traditional, simple view of dating as the friendship-develop feelings-dating progression. Hookups never interested me, and I didn’t have any experience to compare with. My first experience “dating” was in freshman year of college with a guy who got super touchy-feely within the first few hours we knew each other. We met through intramural sports and he asked me out. Flattered I went on one date, then two, then three. My first kiss was on our third date, and then he got handsy and was leading towards the whole sex thing. I politely declined and left his room... and then proceeded to go sit down in the bathroom and cry hysterically for an hour for no reason. It’s not like he pushed me, I figured I’d give the making out a try, and when I said no he was fine with it, didn’t pressure me or anything. I promptly broke it off the next morning. I’ve been on much less disastrous first dates since then but never a second date. 

 

The second lightbulb went off when talking to new college friends who brought up how they couldn’t IMAGINE going a long time without sex (they meant like, a month or so). I also am kind of ambivalent to looks- while I definitely have a meter of “visually attractive” like most people, this never correlates to sexual attraction. I can find people aesthetically attractive, but it’s never anything beyond that, and I came to understand that most people DO have some sort of other response to people (which is apparently called sexual attraction). Over the course of the next few months I came to realize that I was kind of squicked out by the idea of sex in general, except in hypothetical relation to the one guy friend I had developed a crush on. We’ve since discussed it and he doesn’t feel the same, which sucks, but I’ve moved on with life. I did a little research and thought, maybe I’m asexual, or maybe I’m demi. 

 

Sigh. So then I’m thinking I should try to actually date more, make an effort to at least practice meeting people and going through the dating motions and sign up for a dating app. I’ve now discovered I really don’t like meeting people I don’t already know, and that when someone develops feelings for me and gets all mushy after one date it’s a major turnoff and makes me run away as fast as possible. I like the idea of having a relationship, and someone to come home to and curl up next to and I’m a hopeless romantic at heart... but alas I also hate it when strangers touch me, text me 24/7, get overly involved in my life, or want to spend lots of time with me all of a sudden. In other words: I hate dating. It takes me an inordinate amount of time to warm up to people in general, including just platonic friendships, but once I do I’m a very warm and supportive person. I develop feelings (crushes mostly) the same way, but have only really experienced very strong romantic/maybe-sexual emotions towards 2 people in my life, both guys who were friends first.

 

Summary: my first experience with dating led to me crying hysterically in a bathroom after the guy made out with me, despite him not really pushing me and backing off when I declined sleeping with him. I later realized I don’t really experience sexual attraction to people except in very isolated incidents (2 guys I had already been friends with). I don’t like dating because it takes me a really long time to warm up to people in general both physically and emotionally, and when the added pressure of dating (especially when they’re expressing lots of interest right away) turns me off and makes me run away from potential partners.

 

So basically I’m a possibly demiromantic, probably demi-sexual or asexual person who doesn’t know what to do with herself. But- I’m really grateful for this website and hope the forum will be helpful!

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StomachGod

Hello and welcome!
 

Seems you mostly have a handle on things!
If you do have questions about things feel free to ask! I'm sure someone here can answer your questions.
Also feel free to chat and vent, there are appropriate forums for most things and some members are open to PMs also 😃

Traditionally we share cake but I don't have any cake pictures so instead I grant ye!
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GoneForGood

Welcome to AVEN

 

You seem to be self aware and have a pretty good handle on it. If the label asexual works for you right now I figure go ahead and use it. Labels are just for communicating anyway. You can always make adjustments later, I did.

 

It is a tradition here to welcome new people with cake, here is a variety.
ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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LucindaC

I can relate to an awful lot of what you've said. It's not easy feeling like there's something everyone else on planet earth understands/experiences and we don't. 

It is such a positive thing to realise we aren't alone, and this is a great place to do that. So hello and welcome!

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

It sounds like you might be Demisexual since you've said you have only experienced Sexual Attraction to two people that you were already friends with.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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confused_being

OMG!!! SAME!!!! I'm new to this whole thing too. tbh, even though I identify as ace/aro right now, I still have doubts. I came here hoping to find something that will help me realize who I am.
 

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GoneForGood

@confused_being Welcome to AVEN

 

This is a great place to learn of the possibilities but only you can decide who you are (I let too many people decide what I should be for too long in my life). If the aro ace label works then go ahead and use it, labels are just for communicating anyway. If as you learn more here another label seems to describe you better then take it on.

 

It is a tradition here to welcome new people with cake, here is a variety.
ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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Lichley

Welcome! Seems like you’ve got a good handle or things in terms of labels, but if you need any help in clarifying anything feel free to ask :) 

chocolate-truffle-cake-dark-chocolate-ca

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Homer

Hi :)

 

Thank you for signing up and sharing your story! You've come to the right place - AVEN is a great community with lots of friendly and supportive people from all over the planet. As you can see, a lot of us are abe to relate to your thoughts and feelings!

 

I second what has already been said - it looks like you're on the right track when it comes to listening to yourself and doing what you feel comfortable doing (and abstaining from the rest). However I think that it's not necessary to "label" yourself one way or the other. As long as you're comfortable with your feelings, you're good - no matter what it's called.

You might want to have a look at Questions About Asexuality, which has a lot of useful information about the basics of the concept behind asexuality. Then there's The Gray Area, where people from al across the sexuality spectrum gather to discuss their experiences. Romantic And Aromantic Orientations is about the romantic equivalent to that :)

 

Take your time to read and explore the forums and if you have a question, ask away! I hope you'l enjoy your time on here!

 

BlackForestCakeSlice_e448f031-eec5-4abc-

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Tasha the demi squirrel

Welcome to Aven 🍰

 

From what you described Demiromantic Demisexual sounds right but ONLY YOU CAN SAY FOR SURE what labels (if any) you identify with

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