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Veggie4

I Think She Avoids Me...

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James121
9 hours ago, Homer said:

Good thing we don't have to be in a relationship then :)

Absolutely. Not sure how I’d cope with someone who acts suspiciously like they’re cheating but wants to keep the phone secret. I much prefer transparency.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, James121 said:

Not sure how I’d cope with someone who acts suspiciously like they’re cheating but wants to keep the phone secret.

What about someone who doesn’t act a bit like they’re cheating and wants to keep their stuff private?

 

By the time anyone is checking bills and phones to look for proof of cheating the relationship is already in a world of hurt...

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Serran
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I guess for me it’s mostly that there is exactly nothing in places like that - my phone, my purse, even my home computer - that someone else would need access to without going through me.  If my partner needs to use one of my credit cards, for example, I would expect them to ask rather than just grabbing one.

If my partner is in the shower and her phone is on charge and mine is missing, it would be really annoying if I had to wait on her to call mine to find it. Or if we are in the car it would be annoying to wait for her to stop for gas or something to unlock her phone for me to access her music playlists. Or the doggies are being adorable and my phone is dead but I want a picture ! 

 

Which is why off limits would annoy me lol I dont see how people do it without being frustrated. I have more access to my coworkers devices than you guys would give a partner. :o

 

And she keeps her money and stuff in my purse sometimes so it would suck to have to wait for me to get it. 

 

But then like credit cards, I added her to all mine anyway so she has her own access to them. I just kinda decided to trust my partner wont do anything she shouldnt with my stuff, even with full access. 

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ryn2

I have zero access to my coworkers’ devices (and vice versa) so maybe it’s partly cultural (in the geographic area sense, not in the country-wide sense)?

 

None of those situations you describe ever happened to me or my former partner.  Normally each of us had our phones with us, but if his was lying somewhere I would never have thought to touch it without asking unless he had instructed me to watch for a call.

 

I guess it doesn’t frustrate me because I don’t even think of other people’s phones as something I could use if I don’t have mine handy...  if I don’t have mine, I just don’t have it.  I might ask someone else for the time or whatever but it would never occur to me to touch another phone unless it was clearly lost/abandoned.

 

Ditto my purse.  I sometimes carried something for my former partner in it, like daily pills, but only if we were out somewhere... at which point my purse would be on me.   He would literally have had to reach past one or both of my hands to get into it.

 

I grew up with “the driver controls the temperature, radio, and other adjustments,” so I would likewise never change something (phone or otherwise) while someone else was driving (unless they asked me to).  If I hated a song or it was painfully loud I would just ask them to change it.

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ryn2
25 minutes ago, Serran said:

But then like credit cards, I added her to all mine anyway so she has her own access to them. I just kinda decided to trust my partner wont do anything she shouldnt with my stuff, even with full access. 

To me it’s not a trust thing, it’s more a politeness thing - you (the universal you, not you personally) don’t use other people’s things unless they actively offer them to you.

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Chihiro
15 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Perhaps I just balk at the idea on a personal level for other reasons. I have always required a certain level of privacy that has nothing to do with whether I'm hiding anything and everything to do with some things being deeply personal. I have things on my phone that are for no one else besides myself. I'm not talking about anything adult-y and explicit or sexual in any way; I mean more like things I've written or images I've saved that are just... for me. Private. Perhaps pertaining to mental health stuff or whatever.

I am very much like this. I have embarrassing stuff about myself, for my reference that I dont want others seeing. 

 

14 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Even touching someone else's phone with permission makes me feel like I'm crossing a line hahaha. Like, whoa, wait, why are you letting me do this. 😂

This too. When I caught my ex cheating, they gave me their passwords, but not once did I use it to see if they were cheating anymore, it felt so gross to look. Just decided to end the relationship in my mind, but because of their self harm threat continued to pretend to be in relationship until they were in better place.

 

12 hours ago, anisotropic said:

Trusting them to...

not think less of you if they find something embarrassing
not misuse this access in various ways

respect the privacy of what's there and not share what they might see with others

not dig and seek things gratuitously

talk to me if they find something that concerns them...

I am trying very hard to be this person. I really want to be in a relationship where partner and I are open with each other and where I don't have to blindly assume they are being honest. I am going to write this down as a reminder to myself xD

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Chihiro

I just realized that I can be very open if circumstances required that. Maybe since my relationship was mostly long distance I never felt like being as open. If I were to live with partner and our lives were so dependent on each other, then I can see myself becoming like @anisotropic. Like when I travel, strangers become friends and we rely on each other a lot even if its just for a day or few. So, I have given them access to my phone and cards. And they have done the same too. So far no one has misused this trust and nothing bad has ever happened.

 

6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

What about someone who doesn’t act a bit like they’re cheating and wants to keep their stuff private?

I have seen people who are such bad communicators they unnecessarily create an air of suspicion. Here is a simple example that I experienced. I had to literally drill them with questions to get a simple answer. Would have been easier to just check their "private" stuff and get the answer LOL. It was not even a cheating circumstance, they were just a friend but I was worried something terrible was going on in their life.

Me: "Hey, someone is trying to reach you desperately. Check your phone/email and see whats up"

Them: "Yeah"

Me: "Who is it? Is something wrong?"

Them: "They were bored and contacted"

The reply I expected without having to ask 10 follow up questions: "They are someone I was friends with X years ago and we have since drifted apart. Its weird they desperately wanted to contact me out of the blue when they had nothing much to say except how are you".

Still dunno if the person was simply an ex friend, lover, crush but decided its none of my business *shrugs*

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ryn2

I would have no problem glancing at my phone and saying “no idea, it’s not someone in my contacts” or “it’s [x]; looks like she’s drunk - I’ll see what she wants when we’re done” or whatever.  I also have no problem with someone asking me why my phone is buzzing like crazy.  I just don’t want them grabbing it away from me to look on their own.

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Serran
11 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I have zero access to my coworkers’ devices (and vice versa) so maybe it’s partly cultural (in the geographic area sense, not in the country-wide sense)?

 

None of those situations you describe ever happened to me or my former partner.  Normally each of us had our phones with us, but if his was lying somewhere I would never have thought to touch it without asking unless he had instructed me to watch for a call.

 

I guess it doesn’t frustrate me because I don’t even think of other people’s phones as something I could use if I don’t have mine handy...  if I don’t have mine, I just don’t have it.  I might ask someone else for the time or whatever but it would never occur to me to touch another phone unless it was clearly lost/abandoned.

 

Ditto my purse.  I sometimes carried something for my former partner in it, like daily pills, but only if we were out somewhere... at which point my purse would be on me.   He would literally have had to reach past one or both of my hands to get into it.

 

I grew up with “the driver controls the temperature, radio, and other adjustments,” so I would likewise never change something (phone or otherwise) while someone else was driving (unless they asked me to).  If I hated a song or it was painfully loud I would just ask them to change it.

Maybe ...

 

I grew up with anything in the house is shared. My parents didnt keep stuff off limits. I could have gotten their credit cards or anything I wanted, but never did. We had a shared computer, no private devices. We were allowed to change stuff in the car or in the house since I could remember. We just were expected to be mindful to not make it uncomfy to others and know and respect boundaries. Thats been the rules since I was ... er... 4? 

 

My family never expects knocking on doors etc to enter either. You just come in, you are family, so everything is open. 

 

For work, I work with a teacher and she gives me her password and trusts I wont go into her devices for more than I need to. Some of her lessons on there so if shes out, I need to get them. But some private stuff like emails are too and no way would I go into that. I go for what I know I am allowed to. She also needs photos of classroom stuff so she has me use her private phone and stuff for that at times. And other coworkers give me their devices to fix or whatever, so I end up using most my (immediate) coworkers devices at one point or another. 

 

I dont mind there being off limits places on the devices and stuff not to look at in the house, but if there were off limits rules as in dont touch this, it would feel so weird given everyone else in my life is more open than that. 

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Serran said:

My family never expects knocking on doors etc to enter either. You just come in, you are family, so everything is open

Hah, yeah, I was actually thinking about this after I posted.  My family was the opposite of this; even if you had a key for emergencies/knew where the spare key was, you knocked/rang the doorbell and waited to be let in.  You also called ahead rather than randomly showing up.

 

I know people locally whose families were not like that, or where that would even be considered odd or rude, but I also know other people whose families were very similar to mine.

 

I know from past experience (not with most recent ex) that trying to mix the two is challenging and leads to a lot of fights.

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ryn2
6 minutes ago, Serran said:

For work, I work with a teacher and she gives me her password and trusts I wont go into her devices for more than I need to.

Where I work this is grounds for termination on the first offense although it it’s done innocently and no harm comes of it both parties usually do get a warning.

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Serran
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Where I work this is grounds for termination on the first offense although it it’s done innocently and no harm comes of it both parties usually do get a warning.

Well I have like her privateish devices access. Like her personal tablet from home has the digital lessons on it, as well as her personal stuff. Im sure your coworkers could share private passwords if they wanted. 

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Serran
27 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Hah, yeah, I was actually thinking about this after I posted.  My family was the opposite of this; even if you had a key for emergencies/knew where the spare key was, you knocked/rang the doorbell and waited to be let in.  You also called ahead rather than randomly showing up.

 

I know people locally whose families were not like that, or where that would even be considered odd or rude, but I also know other people whose families were very similar to mine.

 

I know from past experience (not with most recent ex) that trying to mix the two is challenging and leads to a lot of fights.

Mmm. Only person I know who made you knock was my Uncles wife from NY. They had a person living with them temporarily and they got mad he went through a window (as in opened it and went in, not broke it) cause he forgot his key and no one was home. They wanted him to wait for them to get home and let him in. I would absolutely hate living that way. 

 

My partner was raised more private than I was but she adjusts OK to my ways, so not really any fights over it. To start with she asked permission to even use the shower. I was like no, you are staying here two weeks, you must stink the whole time. She still asks what we both know are silly questions and I tend to not give serious answers cause we both know the answer is always yes you can. 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Serran said:

Well I have like her privateish devices access. Like her personal tablet from home has the digital lessons on it, as well as her personal stuff. Im sure your coworkers could share private passwords if they wanted. 

Agreed, although I’ve never heard of anyone doing that and we can’t use our private devices for any work stuff.

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ryn2
45 minutes ago, Serran said:

Only person I know who made you knock was my Uncles wife from NY

Well, there you have it.  :)  Must be a local thing?

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ryn2
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I know from past experience (not with most recent ex) that trying to mix the two is challenging and leads to a lot of fights.

To clarify, I meant mixing “family access/family boundaries” styles rather than general privacy tendencies.  When you’re used to having family make arrangements to stop over, coming home to find your SO’s brother sitting on your toilet because it was on the way home from work is a little stressful, lol.

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Veggie4

succes! My method is great! Using this I am going to create wonderfull love with my girl. If you are interested in what is it, go and check first post. I have updated it some time ago.

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CBC

Sounds a little fishy to me, @Veggie4. Seems like you're trying to push this ebook and its method more than sort out an actual relationship.

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anamikanon

About this phone thing. If you can't trust your partner, you've got a bigger problem than cheating. That said, if I didn't have something to hide, I would still refuse. And if you insisted, you could check my phone and then after proving my innocence, I'd dump you.

 

If had something to hide, you clearly aren't my partner or a trusted friend.

 

You could search my laptop, phone, anything you wanted and you wouldn't find it. If I thought you were getting suspicious, I'd probably leave my squeaky clean phone unattended to bait you into snooping. And then, after you failed I'd nail your ass to the wall for lack of trust and make your life miserable because I could and I seriously punish people I don't trust barging into my space.

 

If it were me in the scenario, there is no happy ending to checking my phone, regardless of my innocence or guilt.

 

Only tech dummies get caught with things they want to hide on their gadgets. It has nothing to do with innocence or guilt.

 

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ryn2

Tech dummies and people hoping at some level to get caught...

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