Yellow Canary

Coming out to your significant other

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Yellow Canary

The first person I came out as asexual to was my boyfriend at the time, as I felt I owed him that honesty. He was honest back to me and said he needed sex in a relationship and after a mature conversation, we agreed we couldn't be together as a couple and we should just be friends. A few days ago we talked again and he asked if we could have an open relationship, which I disagreed to as I am not comfortable with sharing my partner with other people in such an intimate way. 

 

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar to me or has any advice for me because honestly, I feel terrible, like it's my fault that both of our hearts are broken. If I'm not alone please share your stories too and let me know if I've done the right thing because I am really doubting myself here and just feel awful.

 

Thanks all xx

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Chimeric

This was the right decision for you. Your hearts are broken because you loved and cared for and respected each other, and sometimes part of that includes recognizing and making the decision that it simply won't work out. That is a horribly painful thing, and the grief you're feeling is the most natural thing in the world, but please believe that it isn't your fault. It could have turned out that you two were ultimately incompatible for any number of reasons, your asexuality just happened to be one. That's okay. It was the right call to make.

 

:cake:

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Yellow Canary

Wow, thank you @Chimeric . I hoped that I had done the right thing but now I am far more confident that I have done what's best by both of us. That is such a beautiful quote too. Thank you!

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GoneForGood

Welcome to AVEN

 

It is no ones fault if two people are incompatible. The options are pretty much - come to a compromise (you agree to sex which is more than you want and will probably be less than he wants - this compromise worked for me in the past), an open relationship which you have already rejected, or end the relationship. Sometimes things end.

 

With my current relationship we decided on being open. I cannot testify to how effective it is we are still pretty new.

 

It is a tradition here to welcome new people with cake, here is a variety.
ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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Yellow Canary

Aww thank you for the cake @MakeLoveNotWar  it looks divine! Everyone is so lovely and friendly on this forum, I see so clearly I am not alone thank you!

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I don't think you did anything wrong, but I've never been in that situation.
I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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banoffeepie

Hi, lovely to have you here.

 

Sometimes you see a very annoying attitude on these pages. Allosexuals who believe they can guilt-trip their ace partners into agreeing to an open relationship. I've read a few examples. The pain is unbearable to read sometimes.

The attitude is 'Well if you don't want to do it what's the problem?'  Everyone has the right to expect an exclusive relationship. The notion that people can just have sex with others and never form and emotional bond with them is difficult to accept, especially if the sexual partner is the same all the time.

 

You're right to stick to your guns ... and don't in any way feel that you are being unreasonable or selfish.

 

If two allosexuals married but one of them preferred different sexual activities than the other was comfortable with, it would not be reasonable for them to expect to have an extra sexual partner just for those preferred thrills.

Of course they could ask, but a 'no, you accepted what I offer when we married' would be expected as a reply.... and that's not a selfish reply.

 

 

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Evren
2 hours ago, Yellow Canary said:

The first person I came out as asexual to was my boyfriend at the time, as I felt I owed him that honesty. He was honest back to me and said he needed sex in a relationship and after a mature conversation, we agreed we couldn't be together as a couple and we should just be friends. A few days ago we talked again and he asked if we could have an open relationship, which I disagreed to as I am not comfortable with sharing my partner with other people in such an intimate way. 

 

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar to me or has any advice for me because honestly, I feel terrible, like it's my fault that both of our hearts are broken. If I'm not alone please share your stories too and let me know if I've done the right thing because I am really doubting myself here and just feel awful.

 

Thanks all xx

Wow, I've just got to say. You did the exact right thing, it's always best to be honest in a relationship and then talking about it and understand that you just couldn't work out is a very good thing to do. It makes sense that you're sad, it was a relationship with someone you loved and who loved you. But you know what you need and what you can and can't do and that is an awesome thing to have. 

Image result for cake awesome

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GoneForGood
2 minutes ago, banoffeepie said:

Everyone has the right to expect an exclusive relationship.

Everyone also has the right to leave a relationship that doesn't work for them.

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Linh Cinder

You did the right thing, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

I was in a similar situation this past summer. I had been with my then-boyfriend for a few years, and I finally got up the courage to come out to him. We hadn't been having sex (I'm ace, and he's fairly religious and wanted to wait until marriage), but he did want a sexual relationship eventually. Even though sex wouldn't have been on the table at this point anyway, knowing our relationship wasn't going to work long-term was making both of us unhappy, so we broke up. And even though it was mutual, it still hurt. I was listening to an audiobook on the plane flight back to college less than a week later, and I cried myself to sleep in my mom's lap because two of the characters in the audiobook broke up.

 

We still care about each other, and we were friends first, so we decided to stay friends, but I've had some weird feelings about it. Between being on opposite sides of the country and being busy with college, we haven't talked that much since. And a lot (maybe not most, but a significant  amount) of our phone conversations have been him reaching out for support because his parents are getting divorced. Definitely not romantic or sexual, and I want to be there for him, but so much of our romantic relationship involved talking and emotional support that this doesn't feel much different from when we were dating. I think part of my problem is that our romantic relationship is more recent and lasted longer than our initial friendship, so I don't remember much of what our friendship was like and how our relationship was different from when we were dating. And what I do remember about our friendship involves more teasing than actual emotional support/intimacy. Plus, helping your ex-boyfriend through his parents' divorce just seems like a really weird and awkward situation. Maybe I'm overthinking it, but still.

 

Breakups like this are complicated and confusing, but you did the right thing for you, and you'll get through this. Have some cake! 🍰🎂

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Yellow Canary
5 minutes ago, Linh Cinder said:

We still care about each other, and we were friends first, so we decided to stay friends, but I've had some weird feelings about it

This is such an accurate summary of how things are with me and my ex at the moment. Thank you so much for sharing your story, cake definitely helps! 😄🍰💗

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