Recently came across "gray-asexual"

[Kree_kay]

Hi there,

 

First--ton of good information on this site. I've been reading the posts and some of the links to try and understand where I stand and fit in exactly. I'm in my 30s and just discovering I may be on the asexual spectrum. I never really thought about it before, but it makes a lot of sense. I am in a relationship but we've struggled sexually and in even trying to understand each other in some areas (more on that soon). 

 

The recent discovery came up because my boyfriend and I were talking about imagining having sex with other people. He says "its like a fleeting thought". Of course, I was a bit hurt, and thought it was so strange. How could he? He must be some sort of sex-crazed fiend...

 

And then I looked it up, and its...incredibly normal. Not to fixate on a person necessarily, but to have those fleeting thoughts. (anyone with additional insight on this is welcome lol). But I don't do that. Same with porn and having more casual relationships. Don't understand it.  And then I started thinking...

 

I don't do a lot of things most people do when it comes to sex, and I certainly don't think that way. I'm fairly indifferent, though I can enjoy it within a relationship where I've become close to the person (lending to demisexual?). When I was younger, I didn't feel like I fit in with my friends and their celebrity crushes or ideals. It meant nothing. When I was in high school, friends tried to hook me up with guys, and I had no interest. Didn't understand the point. Friends were good, and I enjoyed all friendships. I felt forced into sex in my first relationship. Dated a couple other people. Was married. In total, I've had 4 relationships. That's it. I've been single and didn't care about sex. I certainly don't feel anything unless I get to know someone fairly well. My current SO and I worked together for two years before we started becoming closer friends, and only then did I find him attractive...and it still wasn't a real physical thing (is this normal for this spectrum? I don't know). He mentioned once that he thought I was "up-tight" about sexual things, and I said I'm really not. I am fascinated by all the different things people do, think, and like but just don't feel the same way. 

 

I don't really experience sexual attraction. I can play along with people saying someone is "hot" but that is not even a glimmer in my mind. A great example is being with friends and walking by a fire station. They were gawking at the shirtless firemen, and I was enamored with...the dog. lol. I didn't think ANYTHING of it until I started reading more about asexuality. 

 

Other things I can identify with include not wanting to initiate sex; feeling indifferent about sex or even bored during (though I'm not really sure if that's sex drive or lack of attraction-help?); thinking about sex more scientifically or in a chemical sense in its benefit to the relationship, feeling almost sick at the thought of just hooking up with someone/one-night stands, and feeling that sex doesn't come naturally (again on the drive thing though). 

 

So I feel a bit confused because I'm not sure if what I feel is just getting older and losing drive or if I'm on the asexual spectrum and didn't know it until now. It explains a lot, but I wanted to share and see how other people feel and what their experiences were.

 

Thank you! Looking forward to reading what you have to say. 

[NickyTannock]

@Kree_kay Welcome to AVEN!

 

In my case, I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, and never had those fleeting thoughts.

 

The only information I have for you is the definitions, which you probably know since you say you've been reading posts and links before introducing yourself.
Asexuality is not a lack of libido, but a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone. Meaning if what you're feeling doesn't lead to the desire to have sex with the person you're feeling it towards, then it's not Sexual Attraction, even if it is an attraction or arousal.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
And more.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[GoneForGood]

Welcome to AVEN

 

Dogs are nice aren't they?

 

I believe that labels are for communicating with people and should not be cages. What works for you now may not later and you can change it. If you are never really interested in sex for yourself but do it for your partner I think this still qualifies as asexual. More info has been included above me before I posted.

 

[banoffeepie]

Hi and welcome; 🍰

 

I can related to most of what you say. Especially feeling somewhat bemused by everyone else's preoccupations with sex, and pretending to be the same for the sake of keeping friends and fitting in. You sound asexual .. demigrey.. but there are so many variations from this point onwards... you may not be sexual at all ... sensual .. romantic ...fluid  ..it may take some time to decide on a very accurate label .. if you want to do that.

Your example makes me smile. I was watching TV with my wife and there was a busty attractive actress carrying wood into a log cabin. I said 'ooo' that's nice, and pointed at her. My wife looked at me critically and I said 'We need to get some nice wood like that" .. and I was serious.

It's pretty unlikely to be getting older ... I think sex drive is supposed to go up in your 30s !

[Kree_kay]

@MichaelTannock thanks for the additional information in one place. I've seen some of the differences in attraction, and I know I experience romantic attraction, but I'm unsure on the sensual even. I think more reading and self-reflection is in order to better understand. More for my SO than me and trying to understand how to navigate that relationship. 

 

And thanks for the cake!

[Kree_kay]

@MakeLoveNotWar dogs are the best lol. 

 

Agree about the labels. I do want to find out more about being in a relationship with someone who is not asexual and learning to understand that better. I've spent my adult life thinking I was just picky or something, when I just don't think the same way. 

 

On the sex for my partner thing. I'm struggling with this as well, because I don't actually know if I have ever been truly interested in it, or if it was more a "this is the thing to do." I supposed I should just focus on going forward since those feelings may have fluctuated anyway!

[Kree_kay]

17 hours ago, banoffeepie said:

Hi and welcome; 🍰

 

I can related to most of what you say. Especially feeling somewhat bemused by everyone else's preoccupations with sex, and pretending to be the same for the sake of keeping friends and fitting in. You sound asexual .. demigrey.. but there are so many variations from this point onwards... you may not be sexual at all ... sensual .. romantic ...fluid  ..it may take some time to decide on a very accurate label .. if you want to do that.

Your example makes me smile. I was watching TV with my wife and there was a busty attractive actress carrying wood into a log cabin. I said 'ooo' that's nice, and pointed at her. My wife looked at me critically and I said 'We need to get some nice wood like that" .. and I was serious.

It's pretty unlikely to be getting older ... I think sex drive is supposed to go up in your 30s !

Hi @banoffeepie and thank you!

 

It is really helpful knowing that there are many people out there who think the same way about sex, even though most of the people around me don't. 

 

Yep! I know that feeling. Ooh that's a nice jacket, or wow I really like that coffee mug. Its not that I don't notice aesthetic appeal, but I never feel more than "sure, they look nice." Navigating the differences with my SO and myself are something I want to figure out more about. Not sure if you have any advice since you mentioned a wife! 

[banoffeepie]

2 hours ago, Kree_kay said:

@banoffeepie

Not sure if you have any advice since you mentioned a wife! 

haha .. aaahhh yes ... that       lol       Didn't work out so well.  We just got divorced last year. It's pretty complicated (of course )

I didn't know that asexuality is a thing. I just thought I was weird and had zero libido. Because of that I tried to act out how a sexual guy would act.

 

I guess I just stumbled across a girl with a pretty low libido anyway because sex was never at my initiation and as rare as I could make it. She seemed to accept this as she proposed. She would ask me what was wrong with her, or me and I couldn't explain. This made me feel worse and worse and sex became traumatic and forced. She eventually concluded that I was gay in denial. That seemed to work for her for a long while actually. Eventually she started drinking heavily then demanding sex. The whole thing became repulsive and I got very depressed. She was probably more depressed than me, and she eventually walked out.

 

Now I would play things completely different and talk about this right from the start like you intend to. But I had no knowledge of Aven or asexuality.

You're lucky to be able to start totally open and discuss everything. I'm really pleased to hear you have someone. Remember that compromises have to made of two happy willing participants not two begrudging  'victims' - and it's forever - That's the tricky bit I think. Anyone can put up with something for a few months. You have to be happy with it with no end date.

[anisotrophic]

@Kree_kay my partner and I came to know about asexuality almost a year ago... he had a variety of sexual experiences and in the end I think it can be too difficult to dissect all of it. Instead... paying attention moving forward.

 

His feeling is as @MakeLoveNotWar says: the label is for communicating... so he identifies as ace. While we could chew incidents in the past to death wondering if he's "gray", it is a confusing label. And I think another forum member once suggested "if you're not sure if you're feeling sexual attraction...you're not".

 

For your relationship... a general observation is that high levels of communication and empathy are necessary to make mixed relationships work. Personally I think the goal should be for both people to feel loved for who they are, and their sexuality is part of that.

 

I'd also caution that for sexual folks, experiencing sexuality with a romantic partner has a lot of emotional effects, and they don't fully understand it themselves. It can be very upsetting to learn a partner is asexual -- failing to be upset might indicate a partner doesn't really "get it".

[MLJ]

5 hours ago, anisotropic said:

I'd also caution that for sexual folks, experiencing sexuality with a romantic partner has a lot of emotional effects, and they don't fully understand it themselves. It can be very upsetting to learn a partner is asexual -- failing to be upset might indicate a partner doesn't really "get it".

I agree. When I got divorced, I felt kind of cold-hearted because leaving wasn't emotionally painful. Maybe I really am just cold-hearted or maybe I had been so unhappy for so long I'd just gone totally numb to him. But I felt a little odd that I didn't feel all the heartache and sadness people supposedly feel even if they know ending a relationship is the right thing to do. I felt really guilty for hurting him, but mostly I just felt relieved for having gotten out of the relationship. I wonder now if I had an easier time leaving because sex just didn't mean anything to me. It wasn't physically enjoyable, it didn't make me feel loved, it didn't make me feel emotionally close to him. Sex was just something I did because you're supposed to do that when you're married and it was important to him. I know sex is supposed to bind two people together, but I think I am just missing out on the ability to make that kind of emotional connection.

 

On the other hand, my stepdaughter has been trying to get out of an abusive relationship for the last few years. Even though she's really unhappy when she's with him, she just keeps going back to him. And it mostly seems that she goes back whenever she thinks he might start seeing someone else. She's really jealous at the thought of him with another woman. I can't understand it at all. It's like, you know it isn't going to work out between the two of you. Every time you go back the same problems start up again. You're even dating other people - so why can't you accept he's going to date too? It just seems logical to me. My ex got into another relationship almost immediately after I moved out. I never felt the least bit jealous or had any interest in finding anything out about her. I was actually relieved and hoped him having someone else would make it so he could let me go. I imagine there are lots of reasons why she's having a hard time leaving her boyfriend, but I wonder if the "sexual bonding" is part of it. She just can't stand the thought of sharing him with someone else.

 

I guess those are two polar extremes of how being sexual with someone can have (or not have) strong emotional effects.

[Kree_kay]

Sorry to hear that was your experience @banoffeepie , but we all learn from those experiences, so in that way it is valuable. I can relate to not understanding exactly what is wrong. Something that I experienced with my SO was projecting his lack of sexual attraction, when I was the one who wasn't into it. I f elt sort of anxious and panicked because I knew that was important to him, but it was so unnatural for me. Completely understand on sex being traumatic and forced. What you said about being victims though is in my mind, and I approached my SO about being okay with this forever now that we've figured it out. 

 

He said that he feels great right now, because it explains a lot of our challenges, but if that changes he will let me know. So thank you also @anisotropic for your thoughts on his not being upset. 

 

For us (and we've been together for 4 years, so this isn't a brand new relationship) this revelation explains the issues we've experienced regarding sex and intimacy. He has asked me to initiate often, and I tell him I just can't do it. I also can't do things spontaneously, as I almost have to...prepare myself? These are not things I associated with asexuality until recently.

 I've struggled to understand his having a type and porn use because I don't understand or see the point. However, that's pretty normal for a heterosexual male to have those things and use those things and not feel super emotional about them. It is just part of it. For me, I feel like I'm doing something for the other person, and it is a big deal because it isn't something I necessarily want.

These differences have caused problems for us, but understanding where I actually stand helps a lot. At least for now. We see a couples counselor already, so this is something we can work in. It may be that he doesn't totally get it, but as we've talked (a lot in the last week or so too lol) he said he feels better about how I approach sex because he understands where I am actually coming from now instead of wondering. TBH I'm not sure that is how it will always be, and I'm okay with that because I don't want us to both be miserable at some point. But we aren't at that point now. 

 

For @MLJ- thanks for that perspective. I am also divorced and didn't feel all that emotional for leaving. Sex wasn't enjoyable and felt like a chore in that relationship for me as well. To be fair, my ex also didn't seem all that bothered either. In my current relationship, I don't actively think of sex, but I know that it is something important to my partner, and I'm not sex repulsed. I wouldn't say it is something I actively want to do, or even really think about beyond "yikes, maybe we should do the deed lol" but I make a point to for him. And, I enjoy the closeness after, because he tends to be more cuddly/snuggly.  This is really the only relationship I've felt that in, which is why I would consider myself more gray. 

[anisotrophic]

@Kree_kay FWIW I dug up an old chat where I first brought the topic of asexuality to my partner and I was definitely not upset at that point -- it seemed like a relief, because it explained so much. But as time went on I became a _lot_ more upset. I think ... I didn't want to scare him, and the full implications had not sunk in.

... and I think sometimes a sexual partner gets so upset, the ace (spectrum) partner coming out feels pressure to backtrack -- I'd encourage you to have empathy, but stick to what feels true for you.

 

@MLJ All the stuff you wrote about it not making you feel loved, not creating an emotional connection -- those are sound pretty true for my partner! I think this discordance is a common experience in mixed relationships. And I think it really helped our relationship to realize that sexual intimacy meant a lot to me... and not for him, that it's a chore and can be draining... and we both changed our approach.

But jealousy maybe not so predictable based on orientations. We've had an open relationship... I'm OK with him agreeing to sexual intimacy with others (unlikely, but it has happened once), I think I'd just be upset if he did things for them that he wouldn't for me. Also, as I understand it, there are romantic asexual folks that don't want to see their partner with others. And there's emotional affairs vs. sexual affairs.

@Kree_kay yes, he never initiates. And not comfortable with spontaneous things. I changed my approach and expectations a lot with the new knowledge -- that it's never something he intrinsically wants -- I think it really helped us.

FWIW I discovered a new sense of emotional connection in the act of trusting him with something that affects me emotionally, in an asymmetric way. (At first I was really upset to realize that asymmetry, among other things it made me feel vulnerable and awkward.)

[Kree_kay]

@anisotropic Thanks for sharing your experience. I've been checking in with my SO this week, and since I'm not sex-averse (more neutral to positive) we're coming up with some ways to meet both of our needs. 

 

As far as sticking to what feels true, my SO is fully aware that if this doesn't work it doesn't work. We're pretty open in our communication, and I won't compromise myself again as I've done in past experiences. I'm not really okay with an open relationship, but that may change. And, I'm thinking of reaching out to a local counselor who specializes in couples counseling for LGBTQIA if needed.