CarrotLord96

Almost dating?

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CarrotLord96

I'm new here so i'm sorry if i don't know what i'm talking about, but i need some advice.

There's this girl and she is asexual. i knew this before pursuing a relationship and i'm still fine with it. We were best friends beforehand and i developed feelings for her. When i finally asked her out she said she wanted to be more than friends, but not quite a couple. This confused me greatly. I was not aware there was a middle ground. Since then I've read up on asexuality and i still don't understand. It's not that i really want us to be a couple i just want to know what we are. I still love and care about her greatly, but i don't know how she feels. 

If anyone has any advice i would be quite grateful.

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GoneForGood

Welcome to AVEN

 

The best way to be sure about what she really means is to ask her. Maybe she is worried that if you officially become a couple then sex might be expected.

 

It is a tradition here to welcome new people with cake, here is a variety.
ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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AmaechiJones

You need to ask her what she means. If she is again vague, as to how she responds, then don't bother.

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Tanoshii

she might be talking about a QPR (queerplantonic relationship) the only way to know for sure is to ask her directly tho

http://aromantic.wikia.com/wiki/Queerplatonic

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firewallflower

Welcome to AVEN! :cake:

 

Confusion is very understandable in this case, as is wanting to know how you stand (however that may be). I'd agree with everyone else in that the best and only certain way to find out what she has in mind/means by "more than friends, but not quite a couple" is to just ask her; communication is key, and, while we can hypothesize and go with guesswork, there's simply no way for anyone other than herself (certainly, not strangers on the internet who have never met her 😉) to know for sure.

 

The ideas suggested by @MakeLoveNotWar certainly seems plausible—speaking personally, as someone who is probably asexual and has never been in a relationship (but wouldn't necessarily be averse to developing one, if the right person and the opportunity presented themselves), I know that, if I were to enter a relationship, I might myself be hesitant to some labels (e.g. boyfriend/girlfriend) to our relationship, if only because our world often tends to equate "couple" (in the context of romance) with sexual connotations. But of course, I have no idea if this could actually be the case for your friend.

 

Similarly, @Tanoshii's idea that she might be thinking of something along the lines of a QPR (whether aware of/using the term or not) also seems possible; arguably, a QPR could be seen as that unclear "middle ground" between friendship and romance which you questioned about. To quote the Wiki page linked above:

Quote

A queerplatonic relationship (or "QPR") is one which is more intense and intimate than what most people regard as a friendship, not fitting the traditional romantic couple model or the traditional bounds of friendship. It can be characterized by a strong bond, affect, and emotional commitment not regarded by those involved as something beyond a friendship.

This wording does seem to draw parallels with what you quote your friend as saying, but again, there's no knowing without asking. It could be she means she wants a sexless romance, could mean she wants an even deeper friendship/platonic bond than it sounds like you already share, could mean she wants a relationship but just isn't ready to announce yourselves to the world as an "official" couple. Or, it could mean she wants something else altogether.

 

Regardless, to reiterate yet again (sorry! :P), the best I can say is to talk to her and openly ask how she feels and what she wants (without pressuring her to respond in any certain way, needless to say). Whatever label you put on your relationship, it sounds like you're a wonderful, caring friend, and the fact that you're trying to understand, difficult as it may seem/be, is huge. 😊

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HeyTay

Agreed.  The only way to know is to ask. 

 

Saying vague things can be a by-product of still trying to sort things out. Also, she may not know what you want and are okay with in a typical relationship. She may not even know that she is being vague.

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Bio 7

To me it comes across as her thinking if she says she wants a relationship she will be expected to have sex with you. I’ll parrot as well, you will need to talk to her about it and see what she means by it.

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nanogretchen4

If she wants a queerplatonic relationship with you, that's good in the sense that queerplatonic relationships are apparently not exclusive. So that way you are not getting into a heavy exclusive commitment with someone who has an incompatible orientation, which would only end in tears. This way you are still free to meet other girls who are not asexual while enjoying a close friendship with this one. It may not be exactly what you want now, but if she's basically telling you that she really likes you as a friend but doesn't have sexual or romantic feelings for you it is best for everyone if you accept that and keep your options open.

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Chimeric

For the record, if she says she wants a QPR and that idea/terminology does not jive with you, you are absolutely within your right to say so. Some ace folks consider themselves under the q***r banner, but there's no reason why you ought to be roped into it if it makes you uncomfortable.

 

But, yeah, talk to her and figure out what she means.

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Lara Black

Hello, @CarrotLord96

As many people have said before, these words can mean many different things. And there are two ways to go about it – talk things through in detail or just give it some time and see how it goes. The pros of talking have already been listed, so I’ll throw in some cons. She might not even know what she wants from this relationship. She might feel pressured to make a decision now and freak out. So it depends on whether or not you’re ready to invest some time (like a year or so) to see how things develop.

My relationship started pretty much the same way, and my partner still doesn’t call us partners. But for all intents and purposes, we are. So, the way I feel it, if I’d pushed him into The Talk at the start, he would’ve probably got nervous and backed out of the whole thing. But I enjoyed spending time with him and didn’t need to make any solid plans like marriage and such. Fast forward two years – we’re now happily living together and have already made commitments to spend our lives with each other.

So see for yourself what is preferable for you. Best of luck.

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ryn2
22 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

queerplatonic relationships are apparently not exclusive. 

Like any relationship QPRs can be exclusive or not.  That’s something it would be important to qualify if OP does consider entering into one.

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