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Confusedwifey

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Confusedwifey

Hello while doing research I stumbled across this site and hoping somebody can assist me on how to handle I’ve read through a lot of the posts and they really hit homeTo give you my story in a nutshell I have been married for three years it wasn’t until recently I started to question why my husband never wants to have sex with me he tells me it’s because of stress and low testosterone and that he’s tired and this he never thinks about sex that it never crosses his mind and he forgets about it I try to be sexy so that hopefully he will initiate but he never does whenever I initiate he usually tells me no and changes the subject.  I have cried in front of him telling him I just want to feel connected but it’s like he doesn’t seem to care I know he loves me very much he’s constantly touching me holding my hand smacking my butt grabbing my boobs but only wants to cuddle. he seems the most content when he’s cuddling he recently told me something that made me think maybe he is a sexual he said he’s been like this since he was 16 he doesn’t know what’s wrong and that having sex is like dancing some people like to dance and other people don’t so what’s the big deal but to me it is a big deal. I want that intimate connection not a roommate I am very upset as I’m not looking for sex seven days a week but it would be nice to have it once every couple of weeks and that he doesn’t see it as a chore, I feel like this should of been disclosed before marriage. I don’t know where to turn I don’t even know if there’s a way I could call to speak to someone go to counseling or if I’m just completely overreacting but after taking some time in reading the posts on this form I decided that maybe this would be a good place to start my husband is almost 50 years old so when he tells me he has low testosterone and in the next sentence states that he’s had this issue since he was 16 it makes me wonder thank you For taking the time to read this any response or support or guidance is greatly appreciated

Edited by Confusedwifey
Misspelled words

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GoneForGood

Welcome to AVEN

 

If it has been life long it seems to me more likely that he is asexual. When I was with a sexual we went to counseling and settled on a compromise. I don't know if that could work for you, it only works if both parties are willing.

 

It is a tradition here to welcome new people with cake, here is a variety.
ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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Boxofcrayons

Welcome to aven! 

 

It sounds to me like Ike your husband might be ace, but that’s something that only he can say for sure. I would recommend looking into counselling and having a conversation with him where you tell him how much sex is important to you. As an ace person myself I genuinely do not  really understand my sexual partner’s desire for sex. You guys need to talk about a decent compromise but you might have to accept that he isn’t going to initiate sex. I really believe that an ace person and a sexual person can be in a loving and happy relationship together (as my spouse and I do), but it’s going to require a lot of soul searching and uncomfortable, honest conversations with each other. 

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MichaelTannock

I've moved this thread from Questions about Asexuality to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies.

 

MichaelTannock,

Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I think it is very likely that they are Asexual, and that they don't know that they are.

Asexuality is a lack of Sexual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have sex with someone.
But there are other types of attraction besides Sexual Attraction.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
And more.

It sounds like he finds you Aesthetically, Romantically and Sensually Attractive, but not Sexually.

Unfortunately, he is likely to dismiss the idea that he is Asexual until he reads about Asexuality.

I don't know if it will help, but you can try showing him this short book about Asexuality that is free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

Or even encourage him to join this site and talk to other Asexuals.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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nanogretchen4

If he's been the same way for thirty four years and you've been married to him for three, then yes, he certainly should have disclosed this before marriage. Go ahead and try counseling and conversation, but your husband's sexual orientation is not going to change. You didn't sign up for a mixed orientation marriage, and if at any point you realize that you can't be happy in the marriage longterm, an amicable divorce is sometimes the best possible outcome.

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Confusedwifey

 thank you for the replies and for cake!  I had a long conversation with my husband I did not use the term asexual i said that I thought maybe he was non-sexual and that I am sexual, he did agree I asked him if he ever has looked at a woman and thought wow I really want that and he said yes but he said that when he was younger like 16 and his friends are out having sex although he said he liked it he would much rather been working for or doing something else I asked him if being intimate to him was cuddling and he said yes however he also said that with his last relationship that when they broke up she said she thought he only kept her around for sex because apparently they have a lot of it Which I told him makes me feel bad that he would have a lot of somebody else and then me as his wife he doesn’t want to do that he also told me he doesn’t want to hear nagging about it because nagging about it makes him not want to do it at all I told him that I didn’t realize that I was nagging and I apologize because that’s the last thing that I’m trying to do I said that there has to be a compromise or a place that we can meet in the middle he says he stressed at work he has a lot on his mind and that the last thought about is having sex and he never thinks about it and forgets that we haven’t had it in a month although when he says that he enjoys when we do it he says that I pick the worst times to want to have sex at night time all he wants to do is relax ,  so I’m still left With unanswered questions I do think that he has a part of him that is definitely asexual and he  will never admit that or understand that so I think if I suggested going to counseling that would make it worse he says that I just need to let things be and let things roll that sometimes there’s high sometimes there’s a low and right now maybe low But that he understands he needs to be more attentive to my needs and that I need to be initiating and tell him exactly what it is that I’m thinking rather than hey honey come on in the bedroom naked and waiting for you he wants me to say hey honey come in the bedroom and have sex with me. But he will not initiate and when I do he says it doesn’t register with him that’s what I want. That I’m just telling him I’m naked just to tell him.  Thank you for allowing me to share as it helps me get my thoughts out. 

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GoneForGood

If he refuses to consider a compromise you have to make a decision.

 

When I went to counseling with my sexual partner we settled on at least twice a week but I did not have to initiate (it is incredibly difficult to initiate when one is getting more of something than one is interested in)

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nanogretchen4

Confusedwifey, your husband is a middle aged man who has had previous relationships. He claims that when you tell him you are in the bedroom naked and waiting he has no idea that this means you want him to have sex with you? Is your husband always like this in other areas of your life? For example, if he has the TV turned up to high volume and you say, "I'm trying to sleep," does he wonder why you are sharing this bit of random trivia that has nothing to do with him and leave the volume the same? Does he usually miss obvious social cues and have extreme difficulty imagining other people's point of view? Is he just making a ridiculous excuse for not dealing with the mixed orientation marriage he's chosen for himself, or is this part of a larger pattern?

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, Confusedwifey said:

he also said that with his last relationship that when they broke up she said she thought he only kept her around for sex

This part makes it sound like he was sexually attracted to her... it sounds like you're getting a lot of mixed signals, that he might not understand himself.

 

It's fair that most people have ups and downs but -- it sounds like you have not experienced it this way, it's seemed all "down" -- and I think that's a reasonable reason for someone to be concerned about their long term future with sexual intimacy.

 

1 hour ago, Confusedwifey said:

he says that I pick the worst times to want to have sex at night time all he wants to do is relax

 

1 hour ago, Confusedwifey said:

I need to be initiating and tell him exactly what it is that I’m thinking

It sounds like you've had some constructive conversation on what might work better for him.

 

I consider bedtime off limits because sex is a chore for my partner. Even if your partner isn't asexual but is indeed going through a "low" at the moment, it might feel like he doesn't have energy at this time. You might ask if there's another time he'd like you to try.

 

(my partner has suggested middle of the night / early morning -- as parents there aren't a lot of other options, but I'm happy to watch kids and let him sleep in to make up for that)

 

1 hour ago, Confusedwifey said:

I do think that he has a part of him that is definitely asexual and he  will never admit that or understand that so I think if I suggested going to counseling that would make it worse

It sounds like before you ask him about this, you might want to take a bit of time to consider what you want to do if it's true. Also be wary of the goal of counseling. Asexuality would be something he can't change. Would you try to stay together?

 

Another (probably more painful) possibility is that he was not very attracted to you, but is to others. Or -- less pessimistic -- it may be a "low". (But it's easy to keep dismissing asexuality as a string of issues.) Testosterone can be checked.

 

On 1/9/2019 at 5:38 PM, Confusedwifey said:

would be nice to have it once every couple of weeks and that he doesn’t see it as a chore

I fear that's always going to be the case if he's asexual.

 

It sounds to me like you may as well go ahead with a mindset of taking the initiative more and see how that works, and how it feels for you? Maybe try to be positive and see what you can do to win him over to occasional sex, rather than approaching it with frustration (which ends up like nagging). Not sure you have much to lose with that, it'll be a chance to try something different at least? If it doesn't work, you've learned something.

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Nicole18214

Confusedwifey, I finally created an account (after browsing forums here a few times over the last couple years) because I thought my story might help your confusion, though after some of the recent posts it sounds like there may be more underlying issues in your relationship as well.

 

My story:

I have been in a relationship with my SO for 14 years (married for over 10).  I never realized there was anything other than heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual.  I stumbled across the definition of asexual a couple years ago and everything just came to a sudden stop and it made sense.  I am not sex apposed (and can enjoy it), but I do not seek it out and am not sexually attracted to anyone (any gender).

 

Many years ago my husband and I realized we are not sexually compatible (we abstained from sex prior to marriage for religious reasons) and have come up with ways to mostly manage our needs individually.  

 

I am saying this as I have felt this way my whole life, not feeling sexual attraction, never getting the he/she is hot/sexy, I just never connected the dots.  My SO has been more vocal in the last several years as we get more and more comfortable with each other (and he realizes I'm comfortable with him expressing it) about expressing other people (mostly in movies) are really hot/sexy or things I do are really hot (i.e. bending over, etc.).  My responses are usually "huh" or "how" as I just don't see it and am trying to understand how he sees things as I don't see them that way.

 

I never realized I was ace and my SO is kinda stuck with it now, but we have found ways to manage and compromise, though he doesn't always understand why I don't like to always cuddle or rarely want sex.  We are very emotionally connected and even though that point of our relationship has been a challenge, it doesn't undermine our relationship and our relationship is still very strong and we both deeply love each other, even though he does ask the questions like "are you attracted to me" (him meaning more sexually attracted) and I muddle around answers because he won't understand "no" because I don't feel that for anyone and never have.

 

I don't know if having a POV from the other side of the equation of a relationship where someone has always felt that way but didn't realize it was different or didn't fit expectations until later in life helps (even though mine is just one relationship and I haven't been in several), but I hope it gives you a little insight.

 

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greynonomous

In my case, I can say that for me, end of the evening after a hard day at work or after a heavy dinner is not the best time. To be honest, weekend mid morning is my preference for me, though my partner prefers evenings, so now they  prep me to expect it and we focus on weekends without much going on.

 

Now you can’t know if he is ace or like was mentioned earlier, not feeling the spark. What you can control is trying to redefine the problem and solutions. It’s a common spiral of no sex > frustrated >nag >cause avoidance>no sex... if it feels like a chore for him, then treat it as such and figure out what makes it less of one.

 

i mean I hate taking out the garbage through the house to then put on my shoes, so my partner got me a pair of slip on boots that live by the trash can, and as I tend to come and go home during the week to mostly sleep, they  moved most of my chores to Saturday and Sunday mornings. And if they need something done that is unusual they’ll let me know a day or two beforehand.

 

 

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Telecaster68
17 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

Confusedwifey, your husband is a middle aged man who has had previous relationships. He claims that when you tell him you are in the bedroom naked and waiting he has no idea that this means you want him to have sex with you? Is your husband always like this in other areas of your life? For example, if he has the TV turned up to high volume and you say, "I'm trying to sleep," does he wonder why you are sharing this bit of random trivia that has nothing to do with him and leave the volume the same? Does he usually miss obvious social cues and have extreme difficulty imagining other people's point of view? Is he just making a ridiculous excuse for not dealing with the mixed orientation marriage he's chosen for himself, or is this part of a larger pattern?

Per other threads, asexuals can be *remarkably* obtuse when it comes to sex, it seems. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Per other threads, asexuals can be *remarkably* obtuse when it comes to sex, it seems. 

Yeah but at the same time, his ex broke up with him because she felt he was only with her for the sex :o

 

I personally think sometimes we are just more asexual-feeling with some partners than others and it's not the partners fault necessarily, it could be because of stress or age or anything. I mean, I was fully asexual with my first ex (I hated having sex with him) and hypersexual in a more recent relationship and that was pretty much just as a result of me feeling differently in one relationship than I did in the other.

 

What I'm getting at I think is that if he had so much sex with a previous partner that she thought he was only with her for the sex, then he probably does know his wife means she wants sex when she says 'come to the bedroom I'm naked and waiting' but for whatever reason he's feeling too asexual-feeking at the moment to want to have sex. Whether that's hormonal issues, weight, age, bad timing (like he said she seems to want sex when he's too tired or whatever), anything - there are all kinds of reasons. It just kind of seems a bit like bull to me when he says he's felt this way since he was 16 if he had a girlfriend who felt he was only with her for the sex prior to this relationship.. unless the OP means the husband had that relationship when he was 16? :o

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anisotrophic

Maybe getting in touch with the ex would clarify!

 

Maybe the relationship with the ex had gone bad and he was trying to keep it going by performing with sex, but he didn't actually want the sex, so it was crappy sex, and she felt "used". (Just spitballing here. I think I can imagine someone asexual getting into this situation.)

 

But maybe it is some partner variation in finding people attractive.

 

Maybe it is a local low, stress. Maybe health.

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MrDane
On 1/10/2019 at 2:38 AM, Confusedwifey said:

Hello while doing research I stumbled across this site and hoping somebody can assist me on how to handle I’ve read through a lot of the posts and they really hit homeTo give you my story in a nutshell I have been married for three years it wasn’t until recently I started to question why my husband never wants to have sex with me he tells me it’s because of stress and low testosterone and that he’s tired and this he never thinks about sex that it never crosses his mind and he forgets about it I try to be sexy so that hopefully he will initiate but he never does whenever I initiate he usually tells me no and changes the subject.  I have cried in front of him telling him I just want to feel connected but it’s like he doesn’t seem to care I know he loves me very much he’s constantly touching me holding my hand smacking my butt grabbing my boobs but only wants to cuddle. he seems the most content when he’s cuddling he recently told me something that made me think maybe he is a sexual he said he’s been like this since he was 16 he doesn’t know what’s wrong and that having sex is like dancing some people like to dance and other people don’t so what’s the big deal but to me it is a big deal. I want that intimate connection not a roommate I am very upset as I’m not looking for sex seven days a week but it would be nice to have it once every couple of weeks and that he doesn’t see it as a chore, I feel like this should of been disclosed before marriage. I don’t know where to turn I don’t even know if there’s a way I could call to speak to someone go to counseling or if I’m just completely overreacting but after taking some time in reading the posts on this form I decided that maybe this would be a good place to start my husband is almost 50 years old so when he tells me he has low testosterone and in the next sentence states that he’s had this issue since he was 16 it makes me wonder thank you For taking the time to read this any response or support or guidance is greatly appreciated

First, whether he is actually asexual or just not interested is a fine line. He migth not even know himself. Dont go for a compromise, which sound like nobody gets what they want. Try to find a mutually acceptable agreement. Accept, that he will never find you sexy. Perhaps the word sexy is even not a positive word to him? Trying to work the common vhannels of foreplay, warming up, expressing horniness or in other ways showing how you would like to move towards having some sex, can be far away from reality. 

In my relationship, with a sex neutral ace, who can occasionally enjoy, but often feels awkward and wrong, we put things in a schedule. We made an agreement, that sex is mostly her giving me aid with masturbating. Sometimes she is open to more. I still have to remind her and it is bugging me but less than having less sex. I have to remind myself, that once the awkwardness has passed, then she is either liking it, loving it or okay with doing it since she loves me. It is never because she needs it or wants it. 

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GoneForGood
2 minutes ago, MrDane said:

Dont go for a compromise, which sound like nobody gets what they want. Try to find a mutually acceptable agreement.

Quote

Definition of compromise 

(Entry 1 of 2)

1a : settlement of differences by arbitration or by consent reached by mutual concessions

b : something intermediate between or blending qualities of two different things

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/compromise

 

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MrDane
2 minutes ago, MakeLoveNotWar said:

 

I know. Just saying two things here:

1. What is a good compromise between “sex 50 times  a year” and “never”?

2.My point is, that there are som many factors to be taken into consideration AND there is the rigth to “veto” on both sides. A: no, I dont want to live without sex and B: no, I dont want to participate in sex. If I want sex and my partner will not, but we both want to stay in our relationship and none of us are actually okay with poly or opening to other sex partners, then we have reached a difficult dilemma.

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GoneForGood

If no one or even if only one is willing to move towards the middle then no compromise can be made. If also then they refuse to accept that there is no real relationship then what they are doing is deciding to make each other miserable. Which is a choice that two people can make, until someone tires of it and decides that it is over.

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Confusedwifey

Thank you all for the insight,  here is the facts that I know: around 16 his friends were having sex he liked it but would rather be doing a project or working, he then was married for 15 years. His ex Nagged him constantly because he never wanted sex. Ultimately she cheated and he left. He dated around. Met a women she moved in quickly. It lasted 6 months and when she left she told him all he wanted her for was sex. He told me that made him think about how he treats women so that is in the back of his head not to do that. Along comes me.... he is the most caring sweet man. Always doing nice things for me always holding my hand and we have a great connection. Except for sex. When I asked him if he feels cuddling is being intimate he said yes.  I think with the 6 month ex he has lots of sex cause he felt he needed to to keep her please her I’m not sure. He has told me he has low testosterone but refuses to take meds says side affects are horrible, he says having sex is not something he ever thinks about and you are right when I say I’m naked in the bedroom come join me he says he had no idea what I meant that I’m just telling him to tell him like if I said I’m going to be in kitchen making dinner. But if I’m cold he notices and gets a blanket. If I’m going to sleep he turns down the tv so he knows what I’m talking about., it’s been a couple days since the talk and still nothing. He has zero interest except cuddles. I know I have to figure it out. He is so amazing but I also don’t think Want to be in a sexless relationship. Did I mention when we do it after he just gets up and will say there u go my job is done?  I told him that makes me feel bad. I don’t want to be a chore. He says his mind is full and is always going so he is off to the next thing. 

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FrustratedWife1024

I’m 40. Been married for 15 years and with my partner for 20. He is my best friend. But sex has always been an issue. I have given up initiating because he pushes me away. We’ve gone on vacations and not had sex. I have confronted him many times each year about why. He never has an answer. He claims he likes sex but just never shows that he has any interest. I realize now this is the root of all the other petty fights in our marriage.  We have 2 children and a beautiful home. But I’m still hurting and feel an enormous void. I don’t know how to approach him anymore. We are in counseling but not sure if that’s where I should broach the subject of a sexuality or not.  I’m so lost and hurt and my self esteem is in the dumpster. I need to feel wanted and desires. I need to be pulled in close for a passionate kiss. I need sex. 

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Human0id

yes, I agree XD it is so hard to talk with a partner on this topic later on

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ryn2
On 1/19/2019 at 2:13 PM, FrustratedWife1024 said:

We are in counseling but not sure if that’s where I should broach the subject of a sexuality or not.

If you feel comfortable with the counselor it would be a good, safer place to mention it.

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lemonzest

Hi, I'm new and was wondering if I could have some help. I'm relatively young, but have often been mistaken for older based on my extensive vocabulary. I currently have a girlfriend who I really like. I also did kiss her on the lips once as a dare, it was on accident as well. We each aimed for a different cheek so we kissed on the lips. I used to have a boyfriend but he really made me question my sexuaity because I really didn't like it. Sorry if these questions aren't meant for a site helping ace people, I just couldn't turn to my family because I'm worried my dad is homophobic... Again, sorry if this isn't thes itef or these kind of questions, I just couldn't find any site I agreed with other than this one, which I really respect. 

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uhtred
42 minutes ago, lemonzest said:

Hi, I'm new and was wondering if I could have some help. I'm relatively young, but have often been mistaken for older based on my extensive vocabulary. I currently have a girlfriend who I really like. I also did kiss her on the lips once as a dare, it was on accident as well. We each aimed for a different cheek so we kissed on the lips. I used to have a boyfriend but he really made me question my sexuaity because I really didn't like it. Sorry if these questions aren't meant for a site helping ace people, I just couldn't turn to my family because I'm worried my dad is homophobic... Again, sorry if this isn't thes itef or these kind of questions, I just couldn't find any site I agreed with other than this one, which I really respect. 

You might start your own thread here so that people can reply more specifically. 

 

You say you are "relatively young".  That may mean that your sexuality is still changing - some people stop changing quite early, others continue to change into their 20s.   Whatever the case, I'd give my usual advice: do what makes you and others happy. Don't worry about what you "are" - sexuality is not a religion where you need to pick one or be cursed.  Don't try to be something you are not, but don't be afraid of change if your feelings change. 

 

I'm sorry your dad is homophobic.   That unfortunately still happens a lot, but things are gradually improving. At least in the US there are a lot of places where people have become accepting of a wide range of sexuality. 

 

Its sort of sad.  Unless the goal is having children, the entire point of sex and romance is fun, yet many people worry so much about it that then end up unhappy. 

 

 

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roland.o

Hello and welcome to the AVEN forums, @lemonzest! Have some cake... :cake::D

 

You didn't actually ask questions, nor told us what exactly it is you'd like some help with. Figuring out your sexuality? Dealing with the feelings you have? Longing for other feelings you do not (yet) have? Taking it further with your friend?

 

I second @uhtred's suggestion to start your own thread ("Start new topic"). At the very least, you'll get much better cake than I have to offer... :cake::cake::cake::D

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Human0id

He already has one cake

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