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Saying I'm ace when I'm not


Aceish

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I am demi and have been sexually attracted to a person in the past but I'm in no way interested in having sex. Like the idea makes me kinda wanna puke. Would it be ok if I told people that I was ace even though that's not technically true?

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1 minute ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Welcome :cake: :cake: :cake:.

 

Demi is under the ace umbrella and some Demi people may say their Ace-spec. It's about what your comfortable doing. 

It's not that I'm uncomfortable saying I'm demi. But I had a hard time explaining my sex repulsion to my ex and don't want to repeat that. 

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Purple Wanderer

Though you may be asked to produce your Ace-Card if you try to purchase cake

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Biblioromantic
24 minutes ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Demi is under the ace umbrella and some Demi people may say their Ace-spec.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Defining yourself as part of the asexuality spectrum isn't untrue. I wouldn't probably agree with you outright saying you're asexual though, especially since you seem fully aware that you're not actually asexual. Outright lying isn't ever a good option, but obfuscating or using a more inclusive term are up for grabs when the situation warrants.

 

Also consider that your relationship with your ex is in the past for the most part, so their opinion and/or approval is likely not as important as another person's. How much does it matter that they think? Can it be as simple as saying, "I'm not attracted to you (anymore), so what does it matter who I'm attracted to?" and leaving it at that? Not everyone is entitled to the nitty gritty of your sexual orientation and identity because it's frankly none of their business.

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Being totally unwilling to have sex seems close enough to me. For a while I was saying that I was a celibate greysexual, If you want to identify as asexual you may if you wish.

 

Quote

Collective Identity Model, an asexual is one who identifies as asexual
This is a model of asexual identity put forth by David Jay. Rather than trying to define a common sexual classification for all asexual people, this model frames asexuality in terms of collective identity. Asexual people have something in common because they have all chosen to actively disidentify with sexuality, a socially dominant framework for thinking about everything from pleasure to attractiveness to intimacy.

Under this model an asexual person is anyone who uses the term "asexual" to describe themselves. The label can only be applied internally, no one has the power to create a set of criteria which determine who "is" and "is not" asexual. The desire to identify as asexual comes from occupying a particular social position relative to culturally dominant ideas about sexuality. This common social position is the one thing which unifies all asexual people.


http://wiki.asexuality.org/Collective_identity_model

 

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everywhere and nowhere
54 minutes ago, Aceish said:

I am demi and have been sexually attracted to a person in the past but I'm in no way interested in having sex. Like the idea makes me kinda wanna puke. Would it be ok if I told people that I was ace even though that's not technically true?

I have similar feelings. I am able to feel some form of sexual-ish attraction, but entirely unable to desire sex. I just couldn't do it. OK: strictly speaking, this is not asexuality. This is rather (non-traumatic) sex aversion and nudity aversion which are strong enough to completely eliminate any potential desire. I can feel aroused, I can have third-person fantasies, but I just can't want to actually have sex with anyone.

However, remember that there are two most widely used definitions of asexuality:

  1. An asexual person is someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction.
  2. An asexual person is someone who doesn't want to have sex.

Note that under the first definition we both aren't asexual, but under the second we both are.

Of course, a contradiction remains. The most widespread solution on this forum is to claim that if a feeling doesn't involve actually desiring sexual contact, it is not sexual attraction. For a time I accepted this argument... but not anymore. I no longer accept it primarily because it hides shades of feelings which deserve being acknowledged.

 

What solutions do I use in practice? If I have to state my orientation, I just say "asexual" - knowing that it's the closest match, the least of an inaccuracy. In places where it is possible to talk about these details, such as here - I simply feel more attached to the idea of sex aversion than to the idea of asexuality. I also opt for a broad and tolerant asexual community, which would, for example, also be open to people who are not strictly asexual, but prefer celibacy for any reason. A community which would stand not only for asexual visibility, but also the realisation that however you identify, it's OK to not desire sex and not have sex.

A concept I like is "functional asexuality" or "effective asexuality". It's a fair enough compromise for people who may not be exactly asexual, but still don't desire sex. In fact, it's probably the best solution: if I simply cannot have sex because I'm too nudity-averse, I have reasons to want to emphasise that I'm not sexually available.

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Why don't you simply say that you don't want to have sex?  Then you don't have to go into any sticky definitions of ace.  

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everywhere and nowhere
3 minutes ago, Sally said:

Why don't you simply say that you don't want to have sex?  Then you don't have to go into any sticky definitions of ace.  

Yes, that's it. "I'm a person who doesn't want to have sex" - it's 100% accurate and not really very long...

However, I simply enjoy writing, considering, debating (and quite like amateur sexology! At least, as long as it's critical and not just hurrayprosexual), so I will just continue wondering about what constitutes sexual attraction, how can attraction work in absence of desire, what is the difference between sex-averse asexuals and sex-averse allosexuals...

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everywhere and nowhere
6 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

Don't misuse the word 'asexual', that's misleading and disrespectful of actual asexuals.

I don't think that it's disrespectful. It just recognises that not everyone is an Unassailable Asexual and that our community is diverse. Some people have significant aspects which make them not exactly asexual, and yet are likely to find that an asexual identification is the least of an inaccuracy...

I did feel a little unpleasant when, for example, reading Talia's text on The Asexual Agenda, written from the point of view of a self-identified sex-favourable asexual. Yes, such feelings are alien to me because for me my sex aversion is the most important aspect which draws me to the asexual community. But still, I'm not going to feel offended for such a text because I know that we need to acknowledge the diversity of the asexual community.

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

When you say that you have been sexually attracted to a person in the past but are in no way interested in having sex, do you mean that you wanted to have sex with them, and only them?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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A lot of people do this, and assuming you truly mean you'll never have sex, I don't really see the harm in it.

 

If anything, it would be harmful to have people assume you're sexual and that you will eventually have sex with them when you actually have no intention to.  I would call THAT misleading.

 

Quote

Why don't you simply say that you don't want to have sex?  Then you don't have to go into any sticky definitions of ace.  

Many dating sites/profiles will have a rigid list of sexual orientations to choose from and you won't usually get to say "I'm technically sexual BUT..." without putting that further down into a comment section.  Dating sites don't sort profiles by that though, they sort by the sexuality you pick from their list.

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3 hours ago, Aceish said:

I am demi and have been sexually attracted to a person in the past but I'm in no way interested in having sex. Like the idea makes me kinda wanna puke. Would it be ok if I told people that I was ace even though that's not technically true?

You actually sound ace to me, it's about your desire to connect sexually with others more than anything else.

 

I actually am NOT ace at all, but I sometimes explain my sexuality by saying 'imagine I'm asexual for most people, under almost all circumstances'. I don't think there's anything wrong with that personally. :) 

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4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

If anything, it would be harmful to have people assume you're sexual and that you will eventually have sex with them when you actually have no intention to.  I would call THAT misleading.

 

Yes.

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4 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Many dating sites/profiles will have a rigid list of sexual orientations to choose from and you won't usually get to say "I'm technically sexual BUT..." without putting that further down into a comment section.  Dating sites don't sort profiles by that though, they sort by the sexuality you pick from their list.

That's something else I like about OkCupid, you can choose for example asexual and demisexual or whatever other mix you want. You can also search just for asexuals if you know how to use the filter function. It definitely has its good sides along with its bad sides!

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Joe the Stoic
3 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

@Sally beat me to it. Just say you're not interested in a sexual relationship. Don't misuse the word 'asexual', that's misleading and disrespectful of actual asexuals.

Asexuals deserve to be misled about and disrespected equally as much as sexual people.  How dare you try and oppress us.

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  • 2 months later...
On 1/10/2019 at 9:49 AM, OptimisticPessimist said:

@Aceish It's ok to say your Ace-spec if you feel it's easier to explain.

I agree with this.
If you self identify as demi, it falls within the ace spectrum. I don't see it as problematic to choose to use the term ace or ace-spec if you feel that it makes it easier for you to have those conversations with people who are not really in the know.

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7 minutes ago, HobbitGirl said:

If you self identify as demi, it falls within the ace spectrum. 

Not everyone agrees with that.

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28 minutes ago, Sally said:

Not everyone agrees with that.

That's fair enough. I've always seen demi as generally falling within the ace spectrum. Then again I'm not demi and I don't care for gatekeeping either, so to each their own. I can put that as my disclaimer

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Lack of sexual attraction is one definition for asexuality, but it's not the only one. Another is a lack of desire for partnered sex (which sounds like it may fit you).

 

A third is "an enduring lack of sexual desire for all sexual activities." According to Anthony Bogaert, a well-known asexuality researcher, this is a more stringent definition than the sexual attraction definition (and it is NOT one people have to meet to be considered asexual - he says many asexuals do have a sex drive). However, "sexual attraction" can be confusing and a lot of people wonder if they've "really" felt sexual attraction. So if you think you may have felt sexual attraction, but you don't have a sex drive - you can call yourself asexual because that counts as a definition too.

 

My point is that what is considered "asexuality" is not black and white, there is not just one clear definition of the term everyone agrees with, and if you feel like that is the term that best describes you, it is fine for you to use it.

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