Help please. Dating advice for a demisexual?

[dragongirl7879]

Hi, I'm new here, and kind of new to identifying as demisexual (it's been about a year, I think), so hoping for some advice. 

 

To begin with, dating has always been difficult for me because I don't get attracted to people until after I'm friends with them, and then I'm usually stuck in the friend zone, or I find out they're gay (yes, it's happened more than once) and that was why they never expressed an interest. Meanwhile, when a guy expresses interest right off the bat, I kind of panic because I don't know how to respond, since it's impossible for me to like someone like that right away. I was also basically completely asexual (though still hetero-romantic) until my mid-twenties (I'm now 31) when my sex drive decided to make itself known and I started exploring by myself. But I'm still a virgin, partly because I want to save sex for marriage, but also because of my lack of relationships. I'm also a little bit in the autism spectrum, which just makes things more awkward and confusing, because it makes it hard to tell if a guy likes me. But I really want to get married and have children someday, preferably soon.

 

So, I'm wondering, how do other demisexuals do dating? Have you been able to make online dating work? Do you tell a potential partner straight up about being demisexual?

 

Also, and this is a big area of concern for me... I've always wanted to save sex for marriage, partly because I was raised that way, but also because, being demisexual, having sex with another person is a really big deal to me, and I want to have that level of commitment and trust. But I'm beginning to question whether this is really wise. Not having had sex, I don't actually know if I would like it. I don't like porn (though I do enjoy erotic fiction sometimes, when the relationship has been well-established), so any fantasies I've had have been kind of vague and not usually connected to a real person, which makes me worry I might be actually asexual, just with a libido. Most of my life, I figured once I got intimate with someone I trusted, hormones would kick in, but having read other people's stories, I'm not so sure. Will I need to have sex to know one way or the other? I do think a lot of sexual compatibility issues can be worked out with time, communication, and patience, but if I don't want it at all, that wouldn't be fair to my husband (assuming I found someone willing to wait, which also seems unlikely).

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. And I want to say, thank you so much for just having this forum exist. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone.

[roland.o]

Hello @dragongirl7879, my advice is not to try traditional "dating". That is, meeting people with the intention of checking out potential partners. Meet people to spend a good time with them, without further intentions. Try to build a small group of people with whom you spend time on a regular basis. And then just wait and see if a bond forms with somebody.

Online dating is a supermarket of emotions. Lots of merchants, shouting as loud as they can to raise attention. Unless you've tried everything else, I'd recommend to stay away from dating sites. If you're living in or near a big city, maybe there are some local forums for meeting with people in non-dating settings? Ballroom dancing, going to the movies or a theatrical performance, stuff like that?

 

On 1/7/2019 at 1:12 PM, dragongirl7879 said:

I've always wanted to save sex for marriage, partly because I was raised that way, but also because, being demisexual, having sex with another person is a really big deal to me, and I want to have that level of commitment and trust. But I'm beginning to question whether this is really wise.

I had my first time with 48, and... it wasn't a big deal. I wouldn't advise to save "it" for marriage. Not because you couldn't know whether you like it without trying. But because, even if you do or could like it, partnered sex is an activity that needs practice. The doing as well as the communication around it, before and after. It is a big deal if you make it a big deal. And the more meaning you charge into the first time, the more likely it is that it will be disappointing.

 

Mind you, if you're getting closer with someone and don't even feel like trying, then don't push it. You don't have to try to know that you won't like embracing a cactus, right?

 

Cheers and all the best

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, roland.o said:

I had my first time with 48, and... it wasn't a big deal. I wouldn't advise to save "it" for marriage. Not because you couldn't know whether you like it without trying. But because, even if you do or could like it, partnered sex is an activity that needs practice. The doing as well as the communication around it, before and after. It is a big deal if you make it a big deal. And the more meaning you charge into the first time, the more likely it is that it will be disappointing.

However, I absolutely do support "saving it" for a serious relationship.

[Guest Deus Ex Infinity]

First of all, I'd highly reccommened to always be honest with potential dates about your sexual orientation to avoid wrong assumptions and disappointment. My own experience about being openly demisexual has been quite successful so far.

 

As for your second question:

I think it's totally fine to wait with having sex if that's what you want. It's all up to you after all but you must not force yourself into making any rushed intimate experience either. There's no need to put yourself under pressure.You may or may not want to have sex before your being married with somenone eventually. That's ok. Both options are equally valid. Just take your time and listen to your body and inner voice when the time has come. Trust your instinct. It's gonna be ok

[Dollyrose09]

If you feel like you'd want sex, however long you wanna wait is your choice. Growing up in "purity culture" myself I totally get it. I didn't end up waiting lol my advice is dont put the idea of your "first time" on a pedestal in terms of expectations. It most likely won't be as amazing as you think.....and if sex doesn't float your boat it definitely wont be amazing 😂 Like @roland.o mentioned, it takes time to know what you both like & dislike, etc. Sexual compatibility is important in my opinion but let it happen (or don't) on your own time.