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Gabyte

My boyfriend asexual?

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Gabyte

I am very lucky I found this community because now so many things makes sence. I think my boyfriend might be asexual, can you tell what you think? 

We are together almost 4 years, living together for more that 1 year. We are first for each one. At the beggining he was very interested in sex, but about year ago I started to feel lack of it. We even started to argue about it and I tryed to forse him. He initiates sex very very rarely. He always has an excuse “I am tired”, “I don’t want now”, he even promises me it later for example in the evening but it never happens. We talked about it so many times. 100% he is not cheating. Also I thought maybe I am not attractive to him, but he says that he wants me all the time.. We thought that he has a low libido, but maybe he is asexual but we don’t know it?

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MichaelTannock

Welcome to AVEN!

 

He could be Asexual. If someone doesn't know that they're Asexual, they will often assume the attraction that they feel is sexual, and then act sexually at the beginning of a relationship because they think they're supposed to, eventually growing to dislike sex until withholding even basic affection out of the fear it will lead to sex.

 

We define Sexual Attraction as leading to the desire to have sex with someone, but there are other types of attraction.
There's Aesthetic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to appreciate someone's aesthetic beauty.
There's Romantic Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have a romantic relationship with someone.
There's Sensual Attraction, which we define as leading to the desire to have intimate non-sexual physical contact with someone, like kissing or cuddling.
And more.


Sensual Attraction is the one most confused with Sexual Attraction, and can also lead to arousal which adds to the confusion.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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nanogretchen4

If your boyfriend is saying the he wants to have sex with you but can't, it is possible he has ED. Men with ED are usually upset that they have ED and want to be cured. They sometimes avoid talking about it because they are embarrassed and they may drag their feet about going to a doctor, but if he is telling the truth about being unable to have sex with you despite wanting to, he needs to run along to the doctor's office. If he just won't, what he says about wanting you all the time is not accurate.

 

If he is asexual, he doesn't want sex with you. He never has and never will. That is his orientation and it will never change. He was acting when he pretended to want sex, but maybe he was trying to convince himself that he liked it, or would eventually start liking it, or something. Asexuals having sex they don't want early in a relationship then dropping it once they feel secure in their relationship is a common pattern in mixed orientation relationships. The sex tapered off soon after you moved in, right? He is claiming to want sex with you all the time to placate you so you won't leave. Maybe he is still trying to convince himself, or maybe he's just saying whatever he thinks will work.

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GoneForGood

Welcome to AVEN

 

I think that for the two of you communication is going to be the key. You both will need to explore his wants and desires and motivations. Coming to understand the different types of attraction helped me to figure out that I was asexual. If it turns out that he is then there will be more difficulties and couples counseling is probably a good idea.


ef42b8e83d25f2ff48093b7e8d83a130.jpg 

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sh1965
10 hours ago, Gabyte said:

I am very lucky I found this community because now so many things makes sence. I think my boyfriend might be asexual, can you tell what you think? 

We are together almost 4 years, living together for more that 1 year. We are first for each one. At the beggining he was very interested in sex, but about year ago I started to feel lack of it. We even started to argue about it and I tryed to forse him. He initiates sex very very rarely. He always has an excuse “I am tired”, “I don’t want now”, he even promises me it later for example in the evening but it never happens. We talked about it so many times. 100% he is not cheating. Also I thought maybe I am not attractive to him, but he says that he wants me all the time.. We thought that he has a low libido, but maybe he is asexual but we don’t know it?

Hi Gabyte, I’m sorry to hear this but yes your boyfriend could be Asexual. He sounds like me in the early years of my marriage except the best I was ever able to do was make fumbled attempts at initiating and having sex. I was never able to have penetrative sex and, being honest, never felt the desire or inclination to do so. So when you say he ‘was very interested in sex’ I’m wondering whether the two of you had sexual intercourse. Asexuality is a spectrum and Asexual males can have sexual intercourse so just because I never have and your boyfriend has (if he has?) doesn’t mean he’s not Asexual.

 

But I agree with @nanogretchen4 that if the two of you have had sexual intercourse then I’d encourage your boyfriend to go and see his doctor first rather than concluding he’s Asexual. He may be Asexual, but check out if there’s any medical reasons behind his lack of interest first.

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uhtred

In some  ways it doesn't matter if he fits the definition of "asexual".  If your sex life is not good, and he isn't able / willing to work to make it better, the reason behind it really isn't all that important. 

 

Some asexuals (like my wife) like the idea of sex "in the future", but rarely now.   It may no be made up, they are accurately describing their feelings that they would like an active, happy sex life, but that at no particular time do they actually feel like having sex. 

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sh1965
2 hours ago, uhtred said:

In some  ways it doesn't matter if he fits the definition of "asexual".  If your sex life is not good, and he isn't able / willing to work to make it better, the reason behind it really isn't all that important. 

 

Some asexuals (like my wife) like the idea of sex "in the future", but rarely now.   It may no be made up, they are accurately describing their feelings that they would like an active, happy sex life, but that at no particular time do they actually feel like having sex. 

You make some good points, @uhtred. As an Asexual I can relate to your second paragraph.

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anisotrophic
3 hours ago, uhtred said:

If your sex life is not good, and he isn't able / willing to work to make it better, the reason behind it really isn't all that important.

If he doesn't realize he's asexual -- and ends up identifying as this (if that happens, it takes time) -- it could mean a very different approach, with this new understanding. (for both partners.)

 

(Or, on recognizing the permanence of this, might cause one or both of you to think about separating.)

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nanogretchen4

If your partner is asexual you need to find that out as quickly as possible. Don't move the level of commitment in your relationship forward until first you both have a clear understanding of his orientation, and second, you have taken a good long time to think about whether you want to be in a mixed orientation relationship. Don't make any promises that you won't leave him no matter what. Sexuals frequently panic and reassure their asexual partners that an incompatible sexual orientation is no big deal, but actually it turns out to be a very big deal virtually always. The asexual partner may make it all about them in various ways, like crying, or saying they are so scared that their partner will leave, or putting themselves down, or complaining of depression. The pressure on the sexual to comfort and take care of the asexual while sacrificing their own wellbeing can be immense. But ultimately you should choose the life path that will be most likely to bring you happiness in the long run. 

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anisotrophic

idk, I was totally the one doing the crying, that might be a gender thing. I'm impressed he didn't do a take back, but I think he knew that'd just be worse in the long run.

 

it is a huge deal, it's almost like he's gay -- don't dig in deeper without figuring it out

 

PS I wish my partner were gay :sigh:

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ryn2
9 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

The asexual partner may make it all about them in various ways, like crying, or saying they are so scared that their partner will leave, or putting themselves down, or complaining of depression.

This is a pretty typical reaction - from any orientation - to learning a relationship one values is in jeopardy/may be ending.  People grieve and are afraid.  It’s not usually a calculated attempt at manipulation or at “making it all about” them.

 

Agree with the advice about taking time to think through things carefully but I find the take that someone who reacts in genuine sadness and fear is willfully “making it all about themselves” a bit offensive.

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