Acemaybebaby Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Hi AVEN! I'm a teen girl about a week away from my next birthday. I'm a questioning pan-demisexual, but not aro, and my former best friend is now my girlfriend. I'm not out to my parents yet. They're in the camp of "We don't hate gay people, but it is sinful and morally wrong to be gay." They are somewhat homophobic, but not extremely so, and seem like they would treat a gay person with basic decency. I've thought about coming out to them as just plain ace before, and not coming out as pan-demi. I've anticipated these reactions: 1. "You're too young to know that. You'll grow out of it and be attracted to people when you get older." 2. "Everybody experiences sexual attraction, asexuality isn't a thing." 3. They blame the internet and/or my gay friends for making me think i'm not straight. There is a possibility that if they find out my girlfriend is pan, they will blame her for making me not be straight and then isolate us from each other. 4. "All these labels you're talking about are made up/unnecessary. Real people don't do these things." 5. Any of the other common anti-ace arguments Does anyone have any advice for coming out in this situation? Any experiences/tips would be much appreciated :) Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Do you actually have any good reason to come out to these people? Your parents looking down on a group of people for something they have no control over and isn't hurting anyone else indicates a degree of pettiness and closed-mindedness that isn't really a good sign with regard to "coming out" about anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Ret. Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I would say don't come out at all, it would likely cause more issues for you than it would solve. Although I'm not really confident with my own advice at this point 😛 Really, it's down to you. If you think it's likely they will take it the wrong way, or treat you and others around you differently because of it, then you need to decide if you're okay to deal with that. I'm sure there are people with disapproving parents who have made the decision to ignore their criticism and live how they want, but it's certainly not for everyone. If it's possible, maybe try to subtly bring up the topic in conversation and see how they react (Like: "Hey, hypothetically speaking, if i was ace/pan/etc, how would you react?", though make it wayyy less obvious). I do think that if you do tell them, you should say that you are asexual, even if it is perhaps not entirely accurate to how you feel. I myself identify as asexual, but if someone were to tell me they are [insert long and ridiculously specific orientation], I would also probably have a hard time understanding what that actually entails. This isn't to say that pan-demisexuality isn't to be taken seriously, but it is far less known by the general public than asexuality, which itself is also less known than bisexuality and homosexuality. I would guess that nobody knows your parents better than you do, so if you are unsure how they will react then it might be best to keep your head down. I'm sure others with more experience in these types of situations will offer you advice, so just take mine for what it's worth and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Alawyn-Aebt Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 Might be best to ease into it over time, rather than maybe hit them like a ton of bricks. I do like @Ret!'s idea of "hypothetical" questions, if you can pull it off. I don't know regarding your stance on marriage, dating, or children, if they are no to all (or even just to some) you can bring those up slowly, hitting some main points while skirting the label. For example my parents know I have said I never want to get married nor probably ever date, dislike romance in books and movies, and they know I really don't like children. They don't know I am Asexual, but it hits the high points for them without labeling it specifically. Also maybe raise questions regarding sexual attraction to them (if you can do non-awkwardly). Oftentimes you can hit the main points while skipping the label, and it is doubtful they know what Asexuality is to match your answers to the label. If the label is an important part of your identity however you will have a much trickier time doing this, but it will be more of a splash. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 What do you hope to gain from your parents? Does it really matter what kind of sex-life (or no) you lead from their view? Link to post Share on other sites
A. Sterling Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I've never had to come out as ace because for me it's just the lack of desire, I haven't had a boyfriend/girlfriend to introduce so feel free to disregard my advice if it sucks. Anyway, I'm in the very small camp of blatant honesty and tend to advocate hard truths to most other things as being the best course, ethically. (I'm really analytical and have been thinking about my ethics quite a bit lately.) On the other hand it would probably result, as you said, in, at least, general statements of rejection or disbelief. It's difficult to say what is really right to do but I will say that if your relationship with your family matters to you, honesty is important, because otherwise you're hiding a very big part of your life and who you are from them which is damaging to a relationship over time. Not that it would be easy, but you could be the one who helps expand their understanding of people who don't follow the typical, cultural mold of life and help them to be more kind, excepting, and informed. That might be too idealistic, of course. I just mean that they probably will not grow or become any more excepting if they don't know and it will probably come out eventually if you still plan on having a relationship with them when you're older. I wasn't sure from what you wrote, but is your family's objection religious (Christian, Jewish, Islam)? If it's Christian, you could do lots of research on scholarly views of the ethics of atypical sexualities. Obviously, there is little to no talk of asexuality in such literature but there's plenty of books on homosexuality and related things (many analogies can be carried over for various arguments). There are arguments both for and against it, of course. I, personally, like to read things from both sides so I can learn how to respond to people's objections but my church recently listed some books that present good arguments for it which you could read or refer your parents to. ... I just found out I lost the list, but the point is there are books out there that could help you develop an argument that works with their religion. Anyway, the primary focuses of both Christianity and Islam, first and foremost, is love people. If your family truly believes that they will still accept you and will certainly still love you even if they cannot reconcile the ethics of your position. Maybe my reasoning is a bit too logical for the emotions of the moment. It wouldn't be easy to come out to your family. But I believe that it is the right thing to do and, with time, your family will come around and all of your lives will be better for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 After reading the results on AVEN of young members coming out to their parents, my unasked-for advice is DON'T. Link to post Share on other sites
Acemaybebaby Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 9 hours ago, Philip027 said: Do you actually have any good reason to come out to these people? Your parents looking down on a group of people for something they have no control over and isn't hurting anyone else indicates a degree of pettiness and closed-mindedness that isn't really a good sign with regard to "coming out" about anything. Not anytime soon, no. However, if/when i marry a girl, i would like them to give their blessing and be at my wedding, meaning i have to come out sometime between now and then. I also have to be prepared if they confront me because they suspect that I'm gay or they find gay/pan/ace stuff on my phone or in my posession. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 I really don't think it's a good idea to have people who think gay people are sinful/wrong show up to your gay wedding, personally, but whatever floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have room in the hall for the people who are actually truly 100% behind my marriage, not the ones who would just be all like "well, I really don't like this, but have to suck it up for our kid! ^_______^" I mean, if someone's going to be like that, I'd rather they just not show up. Link to post Share on other sites
Acemaybebaby Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 6 hours ago, A. Sterling said: I wasn't sure from what you wrote, but is your family's objection religious (Christian, Jewish, Islam)? If it's Christian, you could do lots of research on scholarly views of the ethics of atypical sexualities. Obviously, there is little to no talk of asexuality in such literature but there's plenty of books on homosexuality and related things (many analogies can be carried over for various arguments). There are arguments both for and against it, of course. I, personally, like to read things from both sides so I can learn how to respond to people's objections but my church recently listed some books that present good arguments for it which you could read or refer your parents to. ... I just found out I lost the list, but the point is there are books out there that could help you develop an argument that works with their religion. Anyway, the primary focuses of both Christianity and Islam, first and foremost, is love people. If your family truly believes that they will still accept you and will certainly still love you even if they cannot reconcile the ethics of your position. My father was raised catholic and is christian, but he doesn't go to church. My mother is Ba'hai. A bit difficult to explain but here's the gist of it as far as i understand it, feel free to correct anything I get wrong. Jews believe that there is a progression of religious prophets ending with abraham (i think). Christians believe that the progression ends with Jesus. Muslims believe that the progression ends with Muhammad. Ba'hais believe that the progression never ends and a new prophet is sent from god to humanity every so often. They believe the last prophet came in the 1800's and was called Baha'u'llah. Bahais operate under similar principles to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, with a focus on unity and the oneness of humanity. I also tend to be very anyalytical but somehow didn't think of reading books on coming out from a religious standpoint. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Acemaybebaby Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 11 minutes ago, Philip027 said: I really don't think it's a good idea to have people who think gay people are sinful/wrong show up to your gay wedding, personally, but whatever floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have room in the hall for the people who are actually truly 100% behind my marriage, not just be all like "well, I really don't like this, but have to suck it up for our kid! ^_______^" I mean, if someone's going to be like that, I'd rather they just not show up. True. I have a few years to think about it. But even if they don't come, I'd rather they hear about it beforehand from me than hear about it after the fact from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted January 6, 2019 Share Posted January 6, 2019 To be honest, if you're still in your teens and your relationship just started (not sure how old it is, your post didn't exactly make that clear), marriage probably shouldn't even be on your radar yet. I would only bother crossing that bridge when/if you actually get to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Acemaybebaby Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 7 hours ago, Phoenix the II said: What do you hope to gain from your parents? Does it really matter what kind of sex-life (or no) you lead from their view? I don't like to keep secrets from them. I would prefer to be open and honest. If i was ace and aro this would be way easier, but i'm pan and demi. As im in high school they have more control over my romantic life than they will when i move out, if they found out i was dating my best friend they could prevent us from contacting each other. When i move out it in (hopefully) a few years it what they think won't matter as much as it does now. I just have to survive the present Link to post Share on other sites
Acemaybebaby Posted January 6, 2019 Author Share Posted January 6, 2019 3 minutes ago, Philip027 said: To be honest, if you're still in your teens and your relationship just started (not sure how old it is, your post didn't exactly make that clear), marriage probably shouldn't even be on your radar yet. I would only bother crossing that bridge when/if you actually get to it. I'm not thinking of marrying my current gf. It's more that there's a definite possibility of me marrying a girl. Which, again, would be a problem. I guess i think about getting married a lot both because of how relationships and marriages dominate pop culture and because of how my sexual orientation affects a hypothetical marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Asexual_Goddess Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Hi! I am wondering if anyone else has had the same or a similar issue regarding coming out. I know my family will support me no matter what, but I am scared that I might change my orientation and they might be skeptical. Any tips? Link to post Share on other sites
turtlebeach166 Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 Hi I am also a an a-spec teen (bi cupio) I’ve come out to my friends (including my bff a few days ago) and they were all very supportive. I haven’t come out to my family yet but my mom is a bit homophobic so I’m owrried about that but when I did come out there were two pieces of advice I had taken: 1. Come out when you feel ready 2. Make sure you feel safe/are in a safe environment hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
FatherCockrel Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 I personally don't plan on coming out to my father until I leave for uni, although I am already out to mother, her response was a tad disheartening. I respect that you want to be honest with your parents but maybe think about whether it's absolutely necessary and about whether you can live with the repercussions. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 Jewish trivia: There are lots of Jewish prophets after Abraham. Moses was the most important but Nehemiah was the last. I highly recommend not coming out to your parents until you are a legal adult, out of their house, and financially independent. If they are homophobic they are not going to be okay with you having a girlfriend. It sounds like you are totally dependent on them and completely under their power for years now. A lot could go wrong. For the record I don't think they will care about the asexual part very much but they are going to care a lot about the pan/liking other girls part. You need to be very discreet for years to come, or darn right you won't be able to see any girls you might have feelings for until you are a grown adult. So resist the urge to volunteer any information that will pique their curiosity. It gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena32 Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 Hello! I'm an ace teen, and I'm fully out to my parents. It was a bit of a process-- I wrote a letter and sent it to them after I had left the house for a day out with a supportive friend. The letter format worked really nicely for me because I could send them some links and resources so hopefully they could get over the surprise and educate themselves before they talked to me again. I totally understand wanting to tell your parents-- being in the closet is exhausting, and you watch every single movement you make and overanalyze it. It also feels like lying after a while, like you're not being honest about yourself and who you are. Being completely honest, for many people coming out does not go well. Some people may surprise you and be super tolerant, and others will be bigoted and terrible. If safety, either physically, emotionally, or financially, is an issue, do not come out. I know that you love them, but if you get the feeling that they'll harm you in any of those ways, it's not worth it. (It is worth mentioning that those extreme reactions are pretty rare, as far as I know. If your parents are willing to tolerate gay people they don't know, finding out that their daughter is some form of not straight (pan, did you say?) will probably dramatically change their attitude.) As far as countering some of the misconceptions if you do choose to come out, I found that Asexuality Archive has a really good article for parents. http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/ I also like this video by Amelia Ace for a general overview of Asexuality. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouSo2SMB6K4&t=23s&index=11&list=PLD67r0gRDpgu-rTBUgtvrjAVhI1yra4Vp And, of course, the AVEN FAQ for family and friends. https://www.asexuality.org/?q=family.html It may also help to talk or write a little bit about your process of realizing you were pan-demi, to show them that it's not just a sudden thing. I imagine that you've been questioning for at least a little bit if you have a girlfriend-- tell them about it, if you feel comfortable doing so. Also make it clear that your sexuality is not up for debate-- all you are asking is for their respect. It sounds like you want to be more honest and open with them, and they'll hopefully appreciate that. I hope that was helpful. If you need anything, feel free to PM me! (Also, you should come join us in Teen Corner, if you aren't there already. I'm sure other people also have coming out stories that might help.) Link to post Share on other sites
A. Sterling Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 On 1/6/2019 at 9:22 AM, Acemaybebaby said: My father was raised catholic and is christian, but he doesn't go to church. My mother is Ba'hai. A bit difficult to explain but here's the gist of it as far as i understand it, feel free to correct anything I get wrong. Jews believe that there is a progression of religious prophets ending with abraham (i think). Christians believe that the progression ends with Jesus. Muslims believe that the progression ends with Muhammad. Ba'hais believe that the progression never ends and a new prophet is sent from god to humanity every so often. They believe the last prophet came in the 1800's and was called Baha'u'llah. Bahais operate under similar principles to Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, with a focus on unity and the oneness of humanity. I also tend to be very anyalytical but somehow didn't think of reading books on coming out from a religious standpoint. Thanks for the advice. So, my church just did a return to the segment on sexualities and they posted the list again so I've got it. It can be found at this link with the podcast (Everyone an Icon) click Notes to expand. And Here (progressive view is LGBTQ positive and historic is, well, historic so you can read the ideas of both sides if you want): http://southbendcitychurch.com/podcast/ Historic View: Washed and Waiting, by Wesley Hill People to Be Loved, by Preston Sprinkle What Does the Bible Really Teach About Homosexuality? by Kevin DeYoung Progressive View: God and the Gay Christian, by Matthew Vines Changing Our Mind, by David Gushee Bible, Gender, Sexuality, by James Brownson Link to post Share on other sites
Mx. Who Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 I am a bi(maybe pan)-romantic asexual demigirl, and I tried to come out to my parents as ace (their standpoint seems to be like your parents' standpoint), and ummm... They basically told me that I was straight and that I just hadn't met the right guy yet and I was too young to decide. So, yeah.... They're never finding out about anything relating to my gender, sexuality, or romantic orientation ever again. Link to post Share on other sites
Custard Cream Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 5 hours ago, Miss Who said: I am a bi(maybe pan)-romantic asexual demigirl, and I tried to come out to my parents as ace (their standpoint seems to be like your parents' standpoint), and ummm... They basically told me that I was straight and that I just hadn't met the right guy yet and I was too young to decide. So, yeah.... They're never finding out about anything relating to my gender, sexuality, or romantic orientation ever again. Parents. FFS. So sorry that they didn't believe you. That's awful. Link to post Share on other sites
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