Moodge

Discussing Polyamory: How do you make it work?

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Moodge

I am a sexual in a relationship with an asexual. Recently we've been having intimacy issues stemming from other arguments over the years. Last month we talked through a lot of the issues that were bothering us and we're both feeling a lot better about the relationship as a whole, but still discussing some bigger issues.

 

Sex has been a big issue since we started dating. I always want sex more than my partner and we have been having it very infrequently. We've had sex more frequently in the past (maybe once a month) but I still wasn't entirely happy with this. Knowing my partner does not desire sex except for my benefit has made me feel guilty around my partner as well, both when we have sex and when we don't. I feel guilty for wanting sex and having sexual thoughts about my partner. 

 

Recently, my partner brought up the potential of Polyamory. I'm not sure how I feel about this. On one hand it would be nice to date someone that is more sexually fulfilling but still have my current partner in my life. I'm demi-sexual however and have difficulty finding people I am sexually attracted to since I need to be close friends with them first. I am also worried my partner would be insecure about me being with dating another person (knowing I'm demi and the more emotional connection involved). I also feel guilty for not being entirely fulfilled by the compromises we have made before. 

 

Are there any of you in mixed/asexual/sexual relationships that have found Polyamory to be a solution? I would love to hear stories/advice! 

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GoneForGood

I am in a poly relationship with my fiance.

 

I have always had a disturbingly high libido (at least to me) and the agreement was that if I found that I had a need then I had the freedom to find someone else. Now that I have accepted that I don't really want that it has morphed into the freedom to cuddle with others.

 

They have the same freedom. In the time that we have been together they have been additionally in relationships with three other people, two long distance and one in real life.

 

Neither one of us is very jealous and it works for us.

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anisotrophic

Welcome to AVEN @Moodge! Please have some cake! :cake:

 

Out if curiosity, what's the timeline for this relationship -- how long have you been together? and did your partner identify as asexual at the beginning?

 

I'm guessing neither of you have had any firsthand experiences with open or poly relationships in the past?

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Moodge
24 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

Welcome to AVEN @Moodge! Please have some cake! :cake:

 

Out if curiosity, what's the timeline for this relationship -- how long have you been together? and did your partner identify as asexual at the beginning?

 

I'm guessing neither of you have had any firsthand experiences with open or poly relationships in the past?

We've been together 5 years almost. I think my partner might have identified as asexual prior to us dating but I didn't know/we didn't talk about it until about a year in. 

 

I think this is the biggest relationship either of us have really had. I know they dated a lot in highschool but not much since then and I've had only had one boyfriend before that I only dated about 8 months. Open and poly relationships would definitely be new to me and I think new to my partner as well. 

 

Also thank you for the welcome! :)

 

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Lara Black

Hello and welcome!

As I see it, there are two ways to open up your marriage.

1. Have “meaningless” sex with more or less random people you meet in bars and such. As I understand from your post, this isn’t really an option for you.

2. Get a new full-fledged relationship with another person without breaking up with the first one. In that case you’ll have to make room in your life for both people, work on making them both happy and so on.

I’ve been in two serious relationships in my life, and in both I was on the “receiving” end of polyamory, where I have one partner and they have more. So I’ve seen how it can be terribly nerve-wrecking for the spouse who’s made “not the only one”, and I’ve seen how it can work out totally alright. It all depends on how the “opening” partner behaves, manages the relationship and whether or not they are delicate enough about it.

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GoneForGood

There are lots of ways to do polyamory. And having an "affair" is not one, that is cheating in a monogamous context not polyamory

 

Quote

Polyamory combinations can vary.  They can be as simple as three people to as complex as a group marriage with secondary partners that exist outside the marriage.  Knowing what kind of polyamory you are open to can be very important.

You need to decide what you want and share this with your partners. It’s important to be honest. If you’re looking for a long term relationship and your partner(s) are looking for something casual, conflict will arise. Everyone should be on the same page. If everyone is in agreement, you are off to a good start.  It not, you should not continue.  In polyamory everyone is aware and in agreement.  If your partner(s) doesn’t know or agree to you having another partner, it isn’t polyamory- it’s cheating.

http://polyliving.net/2013/04/polyamory-combinations/ 

 

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uhtred

The two poly couples I know both got divorced after a few years.   I think poly can work for some people, but it also fails for many people who think it will work for them. 

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