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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
9 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

:lol: Rabbits on harnesses, in a park...sounds hilarious!

Hah yeah they bought rabbit harnesses especially!! The chicks LOVED it, my brothers would walk the rabbits like little dogs, the rabbits loved it too :P (one was actually about the size of a medium dog, he was a Flemish Giant haha absolutely massive!)

 

12 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I suspect us Brits might be a little cynical for that. Apparently 'man holding fish' is a cliche to the point of being funny, so my pics feature a disproportionately huge goldfish as well as me. Others include a deliberately shoddily photoshopped cycling pic (me on a Chopper bike), and a similar one in a crap car. Plus some non-funny ones. No pecs. Not entirely sure they work but at least they're different and specific rather than generic.

 Makes me want to make a Tinder to see the pics, haha! Mine are super generic but yes I shall admit that girls don't have to try as hard to be imaginative with their pics. Guys need to make the extra effort to stand out unfortunately!! :P

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anisotrophic

I like that this thread wandered into gleefully helping someone else with a dating profile.
 
It's like... fast forward to the next chapter folks. (To mix media metaphors.)

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InquisitivePhilosopher
11 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Hah yeah they bought rabbit harnesses especially!! The chicks LOVED it, my brothers would walk the rabbits like little dogs, the rabbits loved it too :P (one was actually about the size of a medium dog, he was a Flemish Giant haha absolutely massive!)...

Oh, wow! (I looked online and saw a pic of a Flemish Giant rabbit, next to a dog that appears to be a Collie.) That is a huge rabbit! And here I was, imagining small, white rabbits on harnesses...:P

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James121
2 hours ago, Serran said:

A gay man wouldnt be interested in dating a woman, so would say no on that reason.

Why would an asexual who has no innate desire to have partnered sex be interested in dating a person who has an innate desire and interest in partnered sex then?

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

I am married and have a mutually desired sex life 

So you grew out of asexuality? I don’t understand what you mean by this.

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

An ace just wont want sex, but wants the rest. Not the same at all. 

But you shouldn’t be asking for the relationship if you don’t want the sex. It’s called being really incredibly selfish.

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

But you cant tell what you do not know. So aces who dont know they are ace can only tell what they know

And back we go to this I did not know topic. Well what started this part of thread was when people began insisting that an asexual has no obligation to tell anyone anything even if they know they are asexual. Hush hush keep it to yourself as it’s their responsibility to find out. 

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

During the first date is a bit .. meh. Personally, when I did iD as ace I sent a text outlining things clearly after my date and saying if it was acceptable, another date was welcomed. No point going through it if you dont even want the other date though and would rather make it a ... yeah dont like you, go away. 

Then we are disagreeing for no reason at all because this is exactly what I was saying is what I think is the right thing to do.

 

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

This gentleman isn’t protecting the het woman from wasting time with him; he’s saying “not interested” because *he’s not interested*.

Nor would a sexual person be with an asexual **if they knew**

And...nor do I understand why an asexual would be interested in a sexual baring in mind that they know a sexual WILL have an innate desire for partnered sex.

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Philip027
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Why would an asexual who has no innate desire to have partnered sex be interested in dating a person who has an innate desire and interest in partnered sex then?

Wow, it's almost like people can have other reasons for liking each other.

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James121
3 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Wow, it's almost like people can have other reasons for liking each other.

Nice one Philip026.

 

But when there is a massive massive obstacle such as....

 

sexual will have to give up sex or....

 

asexual with no innate desire for sex will have to put out, there’s a pretty big problem. 

 

No no wonder there are so many mixed relationships where things have gone massively wrong.

 

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InquisitivePhilosopher
17 minutes ago, James121 said:

...And back we go to this I did not know topic. Well what started this part of thread was when people began insisting that an asexual has no obligation to tell anyone anything even if they know they are asexual. Hush hush keep it to yourself as it’s their responsibility to find out...Nor would a sexual person be with an asexual **if they knew**

And...nor do I understand why an asexual would be interested in a sexual baring in mind that they know a sexual WILL have an innate desire for partnered sex.

Well, not all asexuals agree with keeping their asexuality a secret from potential partners. Before I found out about asexuality, I always told others who came up to me (and said they wanted to date me, take me out, have a relationship, etc.) that I wasn't interested in those things; didn't date, or go out, etc. Being honest and telling them this didn't deter them, as, apparently, they still thought I was just a shy person/shy sexual who'd experienced trauma in the past who just needed time to be convinced, get to know them, etc.

 

Some asexuals, just like some gay people (including lesbians), continue to be confused or uncertain about their sexual orientation if they have had crushes or deep friendships with others in the past (e.g., so, some gay people might continue to date others, wondering or hoping whether they might be bisexual/pansexual, etc.) Perhaps, some asexuals also continue to believe that they might be demisexual or heterosexual, if they just "found the right person."

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James121
Just now, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Well, not all asexuals agree with keeping their asexuality a secret from potential partners. Before I found out about asexuality,

I’m pleased to hear this

 

2 minutes ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

confused or uncertain about their sexual orientation if they have had crushes or deep friendships with others in the past

I understand this but notice how you have said “confused”. It’s certainly no the “I completely didn’t know at all until it was too late” excuse that many are suggesting goes on. 

Mans if you are ‘confused’, you do not gamble on someone else’s life.

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Winged Whisperer
13 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

But when there is a massive massive obstacle such as....

 

sexual will have to give up sex or....

 

asexual with no innate desire for sex will have to put out, there’s a pretty big problem.  

Or ya know, the asexual does have sex for the sake of relationship. Or the relationship doesn't work out and they all happily continue with their lives. Breakup isn't really the worst experience in the world you know. Not every relationship is started with the goal of continuing for life. Some are just meant to be short term, or medium-term, or kinda-long-but-not-actually term.

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James121
1 minute ago, Winged Whisperer said:

the asexual does have sex for the sake of relationship

That’s not good enough! I want more than someone who is fucking me because they think they ought to.

 

1 minute ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Breakup isn't really the worst experience in the world you know. 

Said no one with children.....ever

 

2 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Not every relationship is started with the goal of continuing for life. Some are just meant to be short term, or medium-term, or kinda-long-but-not-actually term.

Now how many asexuals have criticised the idea of casual hookups? Are you endorsing casual relationships then?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
40 minutes ago, James121 said:

So you grew out of asexuality? I don’t understand what you mean by this.

 

As I already explained repeatedly, there are times when someone may think they're asexual but if they keep having relationships it turns out they actually may not have been asexual at all, they just hadn't met the right person or had the right kind of sex. That's what happened to me, @Serran, and @Ceebs. (And there are other people who experienced it on AVEN too, men as well as women).

 

It feels like you weren't listening to a lot of the stuff we've said if you somehow missed that pretty vital detail. We didn't grow out of asexuality, we just spent years THINKING we were asexual (decades in some cases) until the right person came along and made us realise we can desire mutually desirable and pleasurable sex. How did you miss that? Because a lot of us repeated it over and over to you.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
13 minutes ago, James121 said:

Now how many asexuals have criticised the idea of casual hookups? Are you endorsing casual relationships then?

There is a huge difference between a casual hookup and getting into a relationship without having the expectation it will last forever (which is pretty naive really).

 

13 minutes ago, James121 said:

Said no one with children.....ever

And I broke up with my ex while I had a toddler to him and was pregnant with our second child. Because continuing the relationship would have been worse for me (and the kids) than leaving was. Kids can tell when their parents are miserable and in some cases it's definitely better to have happy separated parents than miserable parents who are still together but are always fighting and unhappy. Abuse doesn't even need to be involved like it was for me, sometimes kids are just better off with one happy parent than two miserable ones. A breakup is definitely preferable in some circumstances.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
26 minutes ago, James121 said:

I understand this but notice how you have said “confused”. It’s certainly no the “I completely didn’t know at all until it was too late” excuse that many are suggesting goes on. 

Mans if you are ‘confused’, you do not gamble on someone else’s life.

 You have clearly comprehended very little of what's been said to you in this thread.

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Serran
35 minutes ago, James121 said:

Why would an asexual who has no innate desire to have partnered sex be interested in dating a person who has an innate desire and interest in partnered sex then?

Because sex isnt the only thing in a relationship... and not every person into sex finds it a need. 

 

35 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

So you grew out of asexuality? I don’t understand what you mean by this.

No. I thought I was ace because I didnt want or like sex for 30 years. But, then I met someone who made me want them. And I learned I just dont want a traditional sexual relationship. I need sex to be a nice thing but not a thing that feels obligatory and puts pressure on me. Meeting someone who was OK with no sex (my original request), truly OK with it, not upset, let me discover I actually have desires. They just disappear under the wrong conditions. And my spouse is kind of similar. Our desires and value of sex match up well. 

 

35 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

But you shouldn’t be asking for the relationship if you don’t want the sex. It’s called being really incredibly selfish.

Its not selfish to say I want X and mutually decide with someone if it works between you two or not. 

 

35 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

 

Then we are disagreeing for no reason at all because this is exactly what I was saying is what I think is the right thing to do.

Ok. Then that is fine and we agree. 😛

 

35 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

Nor would a sexual person be with an asexual **if they knew**

And...nor do I understand why an asexual would be interested in a sexual baring in mind that they know a sexual WILL have an innate desire for partnered sex.

I would be with an ace as long as they told me about it (if they knew). 😛

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
49 minutes ago, James121 said:

Nor would a sexual person be with an asexual **if they knew**

 Yet we constantly have sexual members joining and making posts along the lines of 'I have a massive crush on a girl. She's so clever and smart and funny and sweet. I want to ask her out but she's told me she's asexual. I swear I want to try to make it work with her but can you please give me some advice about how to go about it?'.

 

Surprisingly, some people do want to get into relationships with people for reasons other than sex. I know, weird right?

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ryn2

In the US close to 50% of marriages (70% of marriages where one or both partners was married before) end in divorce.  Sex and money are the top cited causes.

 

Given the low percentage of ace people... well, long-term relationships are risky in general.  One has to assume most people who marry think at the time they will beat the odds, stick with it, and be happy.  It’s not until later on that people realize things they thought they could tolerate just aren’t working.

 

That’s true for mixed couples.  It’s true for many, many other couples too.

 

The only guaranteed way to avoid a breakup is to stay permanently single.

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CBC
47 minutes ago, James121 said:

Mans if you are ‘confused’, you do not gamble on someone else’s life

Some people's confusion doesn't look like constant turmoil. It looks like quietly not fully understanding what's up with who they are, and having enough to go on that they think they're doing the right thing. When I married my (hetero-romantic asexual) husband, I loved him as much as I thought I was capable, in the way I knew how. I had some feelings for someone else that were confusing to me, but I had no clue that I didn't love him in the right way or that that wasn't still the right relationship for me. The other thing, the crush... that's what I thought would pass. The feelings I had for a girl I knew at the time were the ones that didn't make sense to me. And honestly they weren't sexual either, I never felt sexual interest in her. So to the best of my knowledge I had a loving and comfortable relationship of several years with my husband-to-be and I had an unrequited crush on a girl that never made it into the realm of reality. If I knew at that point that things would work out differently, if I didn't honestly believe that my husband was still ultimately the right person, I wouldn't have gotten married. I did love him. I do love him. He's my best friend. That's all my relationship with him should've been, but I wasn't being a piece of shit (or so I try to tell myself).

 

I know my scenario is a little different, in that I turned out to be sexual and gay, I wasn't an asexual supposedly decieving a sexual person, but the principle is the same. I'm very adamant that asexuals who know they're ace should be entirely upfront, right from the start, and that people who are so confused that they don't know if they're coming or going should not choose that time period in which to get married, but I do trust that there are asexuals who were doing the best they knew how and thought things would work.

 

I feel shitty every day that I supposedly gambled on someone else's life. Every goddamn day. I never wanted to hurt him, and he knows that, and he's honestly been amazing about the whole thing. And I'm working towards a different future with someone else I love in a much different and fuller way, which is something I didn't know was possible for me at the time. I know myself now and I'm not gonna fuck this one up. But I didn't gamble on someone's life. Sometimes things are just not what anyone expected and you have to deal with the fallout of that. That's life, and life isn't fair. People get hurt. It doesn't mean you didn't have the best of intentions.

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Sally
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

. Plus some non-funny ones. No pecs. Not entirely sure they work but at least they're different and specific rather than generic.

Pecs can be pretty generic.  

 

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CBC
2 minutes ago, Sally said:

Pecs can be pretty generic.  

Honestly they seem very generic to me. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Pecs are eeeew! 

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James121
6 hours ago, Serran said:

Because sex isnt the only thing in a relationship... and not every person into sex finds it a need. 

So you put yourself in the position where you gonna be expected to have sex and then come on aven and tell the world how you’ve been wronged then.

 

6 hours ago, Serran said:

But, then I met someone who made me want them. And I learned I just dont want a traditional sexual relationship.

So when one of the things complained of in asexual musings and rankings is those sexual people who say “you just haven’t met the right person”, in your case that was bang on.

 

6 hours ago, Serran said:

Its not selfish to say I want X and mutually decide with someone if it works between you two or not. 

But at the point I wrote my reply I was responding to the idea that people were endorsing the idea of going on dates and never telling people they were asexual.

6 hours ago, Serran said:

Ok. Then that is fine and we agree. 😛

Thank the lord x

 

6 hours ago, Serran said:

I would be with an ace as long as they told me about it (if they knew). 😛

That doesn’t surprise me.

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Winged Whisperer
7 hours ago, James121 said:

Now how many asexuals have criticised the idea of casual hookups? Are you endorsing casual relationships then? 

Actually I already did. There's nothing wrong, morally, ethically or in value about relationships that aren't long-term. Two people spend some time with each other, have fun, love each other and then move on with their lives because either things didn't work out or they don't want longer commitment. I don't even have a problem with consensual casual hookups either. I know I won't do it because sex is so incredibly meh and boring to me and it'd be a waste of my time and energy where I'd probably get stressed out by, but what's wrong with some casual sex if 2 adults enjoy it? Heck, I don't even have problems with casual hookups between people who are already in relationships themselves, so long as there is consent and people enjoy it. Otherwise, who cares? If something makes you happy and there's nothing wrong with it morally or not unhealthy, go for it.

 

Asexuals shouldn't limit themselves because there's a chance that maybe, if the relationship becomes a committed one, things might not work out sexually and break apart and perhaps hurt someone else's feelings. That's a risk present in every relationship. Asexuals are just incredibly more likely to hit a block when it comes to sex, and it's great to communicate that and work on any solutions early when it's known, but arbitrating that asexuals shouldn't go for allosexuals because of some risk down the road is cruel, stupid, and really arbitrary and bigoted. People used to make similar arguments for why whites shouldn't date blacks a long time ago, and thankfully we're past that time.

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James121
8 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Sex and money are the top cited causes.

Both are pretty important factors within a marriage. That’s precisely why they have the capacity enhance a marriage but equally destroy it.

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James121
8 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

I feel shitty every day that I supposedly gambled on someone else's life. Every goddamn day. I never wanted to hurt him, and he knows that, and he's honestly been amazing about the whole thing. 

I’m sorry I worded it that way especially if it is something you have gone through. No upset was intended.

 

8 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

And I'm working towards a different future with someone else I love in a much different and fuller way,

I’m very happy for you. I hope it is the relationship you have always dreamed of having.

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2 minutes ago, James121 said:

I’m sorry I worded it that way especially if it is something you have gone through. No upset was intended.

 

I’m very happy for you. I hope it is the relationship you have always dreamed of having.

I'm not upset, just making a point. You should see me when I'm upset, that's fun. :D 

 

It's looking to be that way, yeah. I'm really happy with my current relationship and we love each other very much.

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ryn2
2 hours ago, James121 said:

So you put yourself in the position where you gonna be expected to have sex and then come on aven and tell the world how you’ve been wronged then.

 

2 hours ago, James121 said:

So when one of the things complained of in asexual musings and rankings is those sexual people who say “you just haven’t met the right person”, in your case that was bang on.

James, just like every sexual is a unique person, so is every asexual.  The people in this thread - ace, “typical” sexual, sexual but perhaps less typical - are giving their honest answers to and opinions on the questions discussed here.  Other people in other threads and subforums are giving *their* answers, which may differ.  There isn’t an ace hive mind everyone shares, on top of which people are changed by their experiences.

 

At some point in the past, when ceebs and serran believed they were ace, they might have answered the same questions differently.  They also might not have.

 

So, yes, every time anyone enters into a relationship they risk a bad experience.  They may end up with someone like serran’s blanket ex.  Their partner may want too much sex, or too little... or may have other incompatibilities they didn’t see coming.  Everyone is going to react to that differently... and the same person is going to feel and talk differently about it before, during, and after the breakup.

 

The same goes for casual relationships, FWB, and hookups.  Some aces (and some sexuals) are against them, some are supportive of the idea but don’t participate in some or any themselves, and some have participated and/or would in the future.

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James121

 

1 hour ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Asexuals shouldn't limit themselves because there's a chance that maybe, if the relationship becomes a committed one, things might not work out sexually and break apart and perhaps hurt someone else's feelings. That's a risk present in every relationship.

Very true but surely the chances of it happening when an asexual is involved  rocket due to the fact that they have no innate desire for partnered sex.

 

1 hour ago, Winged Whisperer said:

but arbitrating that asexuals shouldn't go for allosexuals because of some risk down the road is cruel, stupid, and really arbitrary and bigoted.

I don’t agree that it’s cruel. stupid, and really arbitrary and bigoted. Certainly no more so than knowingly entering a relationship where as you say ‘Asexuals are just incredibly more likely to hit a block when it comes to sex‘. That’s more worse in my opinion.

Unless it has been done from the start with complete openness and transparency.

 

1 hour ago, Winged Whisperer said:

People used to make similar arguments for why whites shouldn't date blacks a long time ago, and thankfully we're past that time.

Now this is entirely different and very very unfair of you. This is a comparison between what was essentially racism and me saying that an asexual with no innate desire for sex, shouldn’t date someone who does want sex.

Especially when the best you likely to provide is sex out of obligation as opposed to sex that is desired and sought after.

You can’t demonise sexual people this way! It’s not a form of discrimination. 

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James121
7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

They may end up with someone like serran’s blanket ex.

For the record, unless serran’s ex made it clear that’s how he wanted their relationship to be from the outset, I think that’s just as bad as what I have been disagreeing with.

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James121
13 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

I'm not upset, just making a point. You should see me when I'm upset, that's fun. :D 

 

It's looking to be that way, yeah. I'm really happy with my current relationship and we love each other very much.

Good. I am genuinely pleased for you (despite the fact I don’t know you 🤭)

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1 minute ago, James121 said:

Good. I am genuinely pleased for you (despite the fact I don’t know you 🤭)

I think people are allowed to be happy for strangers, last I checked the social etiquette handbook on emotions.

 

Thank you :) 

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