Would you leave

[Guest]

6 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

I'm so confused, Ficto. You wrote multiple walls of text about how I was wrong, wrong, wrong and you gave up in drama queen despair because apparently I just couldn't get it, and now you are agreeing with me. Is it better to reveal your sexual orientation before dating, or is it better if you are pretty sure of the other person's orientation but they would be very surprised to learn yours? Is it better to come out to your friends if you like to let things develop naturally, or is it better to remain closeted and lie in wait for friends to ask you out with no suspicion of your orientation? If someone asks you out without knowing your orientation and it seems like the incompatibility is going to be an issue, should you say, too bad, they asked me out and so I'm going to move this relationship along as fast as possible before they realize how big a problem this is? Or should you, as mentioned above, not pursue the relationship.

I already explained, multiple times, that I've only met a very, very small amount of people who truly know with 100% certainty that they never want sex and will refuse to have it, ever. Like I said, I actively tried celibate dating and it's a lot rarer than one would think.

 

You seem to be implying in your posts that all asexuals and even people who have only had like one sexual encounter that they didn't enjoy should swear off dating sexuals forever. But for so many of those people they just haven't met the right person yet, haven't had the right kind of sex yet, hell they might not have even had sex with someone of the right gender. If they just keep exploring and gaining experience (which goes for someone of ANY sexual orientation) they may indeed eventually find that person who knows how to make them desire and enjoy sex. Almost all these people are not identifying as asexual though, they're just unsure about whether they'll be able to desire or enjoy sex. And there are also asexuals who are very romantically driven but think they can probably give sex as the price for the love they desire if they can't find an ace partner (which is practically impossible). In my experience, these people don't hide their asexuality - they instead try to be open about it at the earliest convenience. 

 

My issue is that you and certain others are going on and on about aces manipulating sexuals into relationships when that just does not happen except maybe under very rare and isolated circumstances which I have never personally come across on this site or anywhere else. Yet certain people here are acting like every ace in a sexual relationship tricked the sexual into being there!!! It just doesn't work like that though. Life isn't a fairytale where there's an evil witch behind every bad thing that happens. That's not how relationships work.

 

But yes anyone here would agree I'm sure that if you 100 know you are sworn to lifelong celibacy then you should be open about that if you're looking for love. But people like that ARE very, very, very open about it because they certainly don't want to end up with someone who doesn't also have an innate preference for celibacy.

 

So these fairytale beasts you people keep referring to (the evil asexuals who manipulate sexuals into relationships through lies and trickery), they just don't exist.

 

I can maintain a sensible stance on what one should reveal when conducting dating and relationships, while also denying the existence of these aces who you and others seem to think are hiding around every corner, waiting to lure poor unsuspecting sexuals into sexually imbalanced relationships.  Those aces don't exist so you people can drop the 'aces manipulate sexuals into relationships' flags that you're waving around. Life is a lot more complicated and multi faceted than that. 

 

[James121]

16 minutes ago, Serran said:

So if someone walked up to you that you have never met and dont know and said wanna go to dinner sometime... you would immediately, before getting to know even their name, launch into "Sure but you should know ... (insert any potential deal breakers, which is a long list of very personal details)"? 

What would a gay man say if a woman walked up to him and asked him out for dinner?  

 

The issue here here is quite clear. Your asexual view point is ‘we are not different enough to make it clear from the outset and rule out the chances of going on said date

’.

The problem is that sexual and asexuals are that different that dating each other is not particularly different to gay and straight trying to make a couple.

 

20 minutes ago, Serran said:

You honestly think you would ever get a date that way? That tirade alone will scare off 90% of people, even if they dont care about the deal breakers... 

No I think asexuals would struggle to get the date which is probably why they don’t disclose it.

21 minutes ago, Serran said:

Or you could go out to dinner, learn each others names and if you can even tolerate each other. And if you end up liking the person at all, then tell them before you continue to date them that you arent seeking a sexual relationship and explain it. 

That’s more like it but the previous answers I was getting were that there is no obligation to disclose the asexuality unless asked at some point.

 

22 minutes ago, Serran said:

Im not about to answer "want to grab coffee sometime" with "OK. But first you should know these things:

I cant date a smoker, so if you smoke, its a no.

I cant be with someone that does drugs, so thats a no.

To have sex I need my partner to not care if we ever do and be monogamous, but once you dont mind not having sex, I can want you often.

I will never get pregnant. If you need your own kids, its a no. 

I have pets and they are like my kids, if you dont like animals or mind me babying them then its a no.

...etc etc"

I didn’t go quite that far did I? My point was during the date there must be a way of dropping it in so everyone is clear where they stand. 

 

24 minutes ago, Serran said:

Getting that personal would be such a turn off for .. most people. 

I’d rather be turned off or be a turn off then turned on when there is no chance this person turning me in will never ever be turned on by my me.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

but maybe on dating sites there’s no way to go there.

Just to clarify, on dating sites you just put it all in your profile.  On OkCupid for example you get a 'The Most Private Thing I'm Willing To Admit' section and I put it all out there. My vestibulodynia (so no penetration or giving me oral, ever), the fact that I enjoy foot massages more than orgasm, the fact that another person has never been able to make me orgasm and I'm not interested in experimentation to see if someone else can manage that, the fact that I often forget about sex for months on end, my boobs (which wouldn't appeal to all guys as they're natural and that's a turn off for some men), everything. I also reveal that my ex was an abusive git which  is why I had to leave  him, and that I seek someone who would be a very positive role model for a kids and who would be capable of working to support the family while I focus on my career and raising my kids.  Also that I'm actively experimenting sexually with women right now (only in an online capacity currently) to see where that gets me.

 

These things all seem like they'd be a massive terrifying turn off but I still get multiple messages a day from guys (and girls too, and some couples as well lol) thanking me for my honesty and saying they are cool with all those things. And I'll always read through others profiles to see what possible 'deal breakers' they'll lay down on the table too.

 

Then you can continue to converse in messages while you learn more about each other to see if you might be compatible. Then you get to take it to voice or video or whatever, or even in person. The only person I have met in person from OkCupid  (not from lack of offers but for lack of willingness on my part haha) is a transman who I decided not to take things further with. That's another issue, I 'like' almost NO ONE in 'that way', haha. but yeah.. the option is there for when you get close enough to someone.

 

That's why online dating is so preferable for someone like me, with secrets and deal-breakers and weird quirks. I can put it all out there to begin with and that way I know anyone who sends me a proper message has already read and accepted all my 'deal breakers' and still wants to try.

 

It's far more preferable than in-person dating if you ask me.

 

[ryn2]

5 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Just to clarify, on dating sites you just put it all in your profile.

So you’re thinking tele just needs to spell his situation out in more detail in his profile, then, to both rule out aces AND not scare women off with what might read as (but isn’t) a sex obsession?

 

9 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

It's far more preferable than in-person dating if you ask me.

Yeah, I guess I’ve really never done that either.  I’ve never intentionally gone out looking for a relationship... I’ve just met people I liked and had it turn into one.

[ryn2]

19 minutes ago, James121 said:

the previous answers I was getting were that there is no obligation to disclose the asexuality unless asked at some point.

If you’re referring to me, what I was trying to say was that - if something is very important to you - it’s wiser to ask than to rely on others to disclose.  That’s especially true if it’s such a significant issue to you that you wouldn’t want to spend any time with someone who isn’t a fit for you there.

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

What would a gay man say if a woman walked up to him and asked him out for dinner?  

A gay man wouldnt be interested in dating a woman, so would say no on that reason. If he was bisexual but homoromantic he might say yes but let her know if he liked her he was looking for sex-no strings not romance. 

 

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

The issue here here is quite clear. Your asexual view point is ‘we are not different enough to make it clear from the outset and rule out the chances of going on said date

’.

Not asexual, used to ID as but dont now. I am married and have a mutually desired sex life with a weekly (or more) frequency. Just dont think people need to disclose before or on first date, like Skulls (who is also not ace btw). 

 

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

The problem is that sexual and asexuals are that different that dating each other is not particularly different to gay and straight trying to make a couple.

 

The gay and straight argument makes no sense. A lesbian wont be interested in a loving, romantic, sensual long term relationship with a man. An ace just wont want sex, but wants the rest. Not the same at all. 

 

 

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

No I think asexuals would struggle to get the date which is probably why they don’t disclose it.

 

I think everyone would struggle to get the date in my scenario. 

 

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

That’s more like it but the previous answers I was getting were that there is no obligation to disclose the asexuality unless asked at some point.

Not what answers you got. Skulls said not by first date. I agreed. Ficto says online dating profile or early. Etc, etc.

 

But you cant tell what you do not know. So aces who dont know they are ace can only tell what they know. And what they often know is feels off, but told its normal. And some do tell, but its shrugged off. 

 

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

I didn’t go quite that far did I? My point was during the date there must be a way of dropping it in so everyone is clear where they stand. 

During the first date is a bit .. meh. Personally, when I did iD as ace I sent a text outlining things clearly after my date and saying if it was acceptable, another date was welcomed. No point going through it if you dont even want the other date though and would rather make it a ... yeah dont like you, go away. 

 

And given you quoted me when I was saying dont need to tell on first date before you even know if you want to date the person, you did go about that far. You said tell dealbreakers by then. So I showed how ridiculous that scenario would be before the first date. And it would still be inappropriate to basically go through a checklist of dealbreakers on the first date when you have literally just met. 

 

11 minutes ago, James121 said:

 

I’d rather be turned off or be a turn off then turned on when there is no chance this person turning me in will never ever be turned on by my me.

You miss my point. Going into a tirade of deal breakers will turn off basically everyone asking for a date. Its not something you do with dealbreakers in the dating world. So you are asking aces to swear off dating completely, because even aces would be scared off if you did that. 

[ryn2]

Just now, Serran said:

A gay man wouldnt be interested in dating a woman, so would say no on that reason.

I feel like this is a key difference from what james is suggesting.  This gentleman isn’t protecting the het woman from wasting time with him; he’s saying “not interested” because *he’s not interested*.

[nanogretchen4]

To clarify, Serran, I thought you told partners you met online that if you dated you would never want sex with them? That sounds like disclosing your orientation before the first date. Philip and ryn2 are both arguing the position that asexuals don't ever have to come out to sexuals they are dating unless the sexual actually asks them whether they are asexual. If the sexual doesn't ask because they have never heard of asexuality, well too bad, sucks to be them. Is that your position as well?

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

So you’re thinking tele just needs to spell his situation out in more detail in his profile, then, to both rule out aces AND not scare women off with what might read as (but isn’t) a sex obsession?

I'm on my phone so missed a fair bit of the discussion, so I'm unsure what you're referring to.

 

But if it's a possible deal breaker then yes I'd say put it in the profile. Spell it out vulnerably like 'I have to admit, I was just in a marriage with an asexual woman that ended after 15 years and while I loved my wife deeply, I can never go through that again. Please understand, sex is important to me. I want to make a woman feel loved and respected and special through my sexuality, so I'm spelling this out because if you might be asexual or don't place a lot of importance on sex, then we won't be compatible I'm sorry. I have to be honest about this because I'm getting older and want to have all those sexual experiences I missed with my wife whom I loved dearly but the missing sexual intimacy was heart breaking for me.' etc (again, I don't know if that's specifically what you're referring to re. Tele but that's just an example). Women LOVE that vulnerability and would appreciate the honesty, and it means he has a higher chance of meeting someone who also has a higher sex drive, as those who don't place much importance on sex will know to pass his profile by. People who are truly seeking something real and serious on dating sites love honesty,it makes them feel instantly more connected to you as a person because you admitted something that made you vulnerable and that, to them, makes you more human than 99% of the people on there with carbon copy profiles. Again, that's why I prefer online dating.

 

And if I was to meet a guy in person who asked me out (and I liked the look of him), I'd ask him for his email address so I can send him a copy of my OKCupid profile before we go any further or text him being honest about myself before we meet for coffee or whatever. That way I don't have to suffer the awkwardness of telling him all that stuff in person, but he still gets a full rundown before he decides if he wants to try to be my friend or not

 

23 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I guess I’ve really never done that either.  I’ve never intentionally gone out looking for a relationship... I’ve just met people I liked and had it turn into one

That's how all my relationships (online and offline) happened. Even when I have active dating profiles, I'd stumble across someone on AVEN by accident and we'd become friends and then fall in love by accident I'm truly starting to think that I can't 'fall in love' through any form of dating (so I do specify in my Cupid profile that I only seek to be friends first and see where it leads). But online dating has really helped me hone in on my likes and dislikes, and what I want and need in a relationship. Mostly because you have to think so hard about the things you truly need and want while formulating a profile. I'm always getting messages from people (men and women) saying how much they appreciate my honesty and openness, people love being able to relate to you as a human being, so yeah, taking the time to do the profile can be beneficial for multiple reasons even if you decide dating of any form possibly isn't for you. That's what it's been like for me personally anyway

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

To clarify, Serran, I thought you told partners you met online that if you dated you would never want sex with them? That sounds like disclosing your orientation before the first date. Philip and ryn2 are both arguing the position that asexuals don't ever have to come out to sexuals they are dating unless the sexual actually asks them whether they are asexual. If the sexual doesn't ask because they have never heard of asexuality, well too bad, sucks to be them. Is that your position as well?

In online dating I did put it on the profie. IRL I had a rule of before 3rd date do a full inform if you dont know them. If a friend, tell before the first. 

 

Ryn is not saying dont tell. Ryn is saying if something is that vital, it is wise to begin asking if you match, because we cant always trust that others will reveal it in a timely manner for us. Ryn has always backed revealing if you know in these threads.

 

Philip ... yeah so one reply out of many (though I am not sure that was the meaning, but it certainly can be read that way). The majority of replies when people ask if they should tell or when to is tell them ASAP. So its not replies one keeps getting that aces shouldnt tell unless asked. And I was quoted specifically. 😛

 

 

[Winged Whisperer]

Meh, despite being a heavy romantic with strong desires for love, I've only been in one relationship my whole life and it wasn't through dating. I've also never dated anyone either, admittedly because dating is mostly a western cultural thing that we don't have here. The concept is really alien to me. Two people set a time and place to meet each to talk and know each other with the purpose of starting a relationship? How does that work? How does that date even progress, what happens in it?

[ryn2]

9 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

ryn2 are both arguing the position that asexuals don't ever have to come out to sexuals they are dating unless the sexual actually asks them whether they are asexual.

Please do not put words in my mouth.  I fully support everyone being as open and honest as they can.  My suggestion is that people with strong preferences look out for themselves by confirming those preferences with potential partners rather than relying on others to raise the topic.

[ryn2]

11 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

I'm unsure what you're referring to.

Tele mentioned that the women he’s meeting in Tinder misinterpret his early questions about the importance of sex.

[Telecaster68]

45 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

These things all seem like they'd be a massive terrifying turn off

Here's the thing. Ficto, you're an attractive woman. The demand and supply of dating websites means you'll get an almost unmanageable stream of approaches, whatever you put, most of them from blokes clearly foregrounding sex. As a middle aged bloke, I won't get the inverse from females and any woman browsing the site won't be reading my profile carefully and giving it due consideration. They'll read about a sentence of that stuff about me liking sex and think 'that looks complicated and he's probably a perv whatever he says', and move onto the next middle aged bloke.

 

I'm not moaning, this is just the way it is. I'm actually fine with having to negotiate this hoop, but it does need doing, and it can only be done ad hoc, in conversation, as it comes up. I only mentioned it as a contribution to the debate about whether sexuals make clear they like sex, or asexuals should make clear they don't like sex, and at what point they should do so.

[ryn2]

13 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Spell it out vulnerably like 'I have to admit, I was just in a marriage with an asexual woman that ended after 15 years and while I loved my wife deeply, I can never go through that again. Please understand, sex is important to me. I want to make a woman feel loved and respected and special through my sexuality, so I'm spelling this out because if you might be asexual or don't place a lot of importance on sex, then we won't be compatible I'm sorry.

That’s what I was thinking you meant, thanks.

[Winged Whisperer]

2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

My suggestion is that people with strong preferences look out for themselves by confirming those preferences with potential partners rather than relying on others to raise the topic. 

Unfortunately due to the marginalization and lack of visibility of asexuals, most allosexuals also won't know that they could be getting into a relationship that might have sex as a problem.

[ryn2]

3 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Unfortunately due to the marginalization and lack of visibility of asexuals, most allosexuals also won't know that they could be getting into a relationship that might have sex as a problem.

Agreed, which is why (from both sides) a lot of these issues happen.  But james does, as does nano, so I’d hope they would advocate for themselves in the future rather than waiting to get an unpleasant surprise.

 

Where neither party knows it’s potentially an issue, I’m not sure there’s a way to avoid stumbling into it.

[Winged Whisperer]

@ryn2

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Serran said:

In online dating I did put it on the profie. IRL I had a rule of before 3rd date do a full inform if you dont know them. If a friend, tell before the first. 

 

Ryn is not saying dont tell. Ryn is saying if something is that vital, it is wise to begin asking if you match, because we cant always trust that others will reveal it in a timely manner for us. Ryn has always backed revealing if you know in these threads.

 

Philip ... yeah so one reply out of many (though I am not sure that was the meaning, but it certainly can be read that way). The majority of replies when people ask if they should tell or when to is tell them ASAP. So its not replies one keeps getting that aces shouldnt tell unless asked. And I was quoted specifically. 😛

People Yes, and whenever someone on AVEN (usually a young teen or someone with no relationship experience) says that you don't have to reveal your asexuality because 'if they love you sex won't matter' they're instantly corrected by about 20 people all at once explaining that you must always reveal your asexuality as soon as possible!! No one with any relationship experience who KNOWS they're ace supports the idea of hiding it because they know the troubles it can lead to for both people involved!

 

4 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

Two people set a time and place to meet each to talk and know each other with the purpose of starting a relationship? How does that work? How does that date even progress, what happens in it?

People Yeah that's why I have a friends first policy. If it leads to something more, then great. If not, you have a new friend!!

 

4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

My suggestion is that people with strong preferences look out for themselves by confirming those preferences with potential partners rather than relying on others to raise the topic.

 Yes a strong preference of mine is that a guy have absolutely no issue with lack of penetration during sexual activity. He also has to have a relatively low sex drive so doesn't mind if I forget about sex. He needs to have responsive desire so when I want it, he can want it, but he isn't really interested in trying to get it if I'm not in the mood. He also has to have a natural inclination towards 24/7 boob worship, and a bonus would be if he has a foot fetish. (My requirements for women are different). I put all this out there in my profile because I can't be bothered waiting until someone asks. May as well let them know beforehand!

 

[Winged Whisperer]

@ryn2 you gotta look at the value proposition though. Asexuals make a tiny proportion of the populace and as Tele can probably attest to, voicing sex as a concern can be damaging to the prospects of finding someone. Allosexuals who do know about asexuality and have faced previous problems can help by raising awareness. They're very unlikely to get matched with an asexual again.

[Telecaster68]

1 minute ago, Winged Whisperer said:

@ryn2 you gotta look at the value proposition though. Asexuals make a tiny proportion of the populace and as Tele can probably attest to, voicing sex as a concern can be damaging to the prospects of finding someone. Allosexuals who do know about asexuality and have faced previous problems can help by raising awareness. They're very unlikely to get matched with an asexual again.

As far as anyone who who hasn't been in a relationship with an asexual is concerned, sex just is part of the emotional experience of a relationship. If it's become an issue in my previous relationships, it must be because I make outrageous demands. They'll conclude the only reason I bring it up must be that I'm a total sex pest, and potentially coercive, because why else would I bring up the possibility of someone not liking sex?

 

I'm willing to help raise awareness, but I'm not using a dating profile to do it.

[ryn2]

5 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

@ryn2 you gotta look at the value proposition though. Asexuals make a tiny proportion of the populace and as Tele can probably attest to, voicing sex as a concern can be damaging to the prospects of finding someone. Allosexuals who do know about asexuality and have faced previous problems can help by raising awareness. They're very unlikely to get matched with an asexual again.l

 

In my experience life is not entirely random and people tend to have and draw a “type,” so the risk (if you don’t like that and want to break out of it) of someone ending up in a new relationship with someone like the ex is higher than it is for the general population.

 

So, it could still be smarter to raise the issue and potentially miss out on good options.

[Winged Whisperer]

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They'll conclude the only reason I bring it up must be that I'm a total sex pest, and potentially coercive, because why else would I bring up the possibility of someone not liking sex?

So why bring it up? Why just not be "normal" about it?

 

2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm willing to help raise awareness, but I'm not using a dating profile to do it.

Of course, and you shouldn't be using a dating profile for that.

[Winged Whisperer]

Just now, ryn2 said:

In my experience life is not entirely random and people tend to have and draw a “type,” so the risk (if you don’t like that and want to break out of it) of someone ending up in a new relationship with someone like the ex is higher than it is for the general population.

I know what you're saying, but I don't think asexuals have any *thing* going for them to draw someone else to them. I mean there is no asexuality signifier to draw someone else in even on a subconscious level. There are people who might go for passive aggressive types on a subconscious level and get into trouble with them, but asexuals are as diverse as everyone else in pretty much every aspect of their personalities except not being into sex.

[Telecaster68]

4 minutes ago, Winged Whisperer said:

So why bring it up? Why just not be "normal" about it?

Because I don't want to get involved with another asexual, or even a sexual who isn't that bothered about sex, and I'm more aware of the risks and consequences of doing so than I was, so I'd rather knock out anyone in that boat as early as possible.

[Winged Whisperer]

Well it's your choice @Telecaster68 so you probably know best. I know if I was in your position I'd most definitely not bring it up. Damn, I guess I really am poison.

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Here's the thing. Ficto, you're an attractive woman. The demand and supply of dating websites means you'll get an almost unmanageable stream of approaches, whatever you put, most of them from blokes clearly foregrounding sex. As a middle aged bloke, I won't get the inverse from females and any woman browsing the site won't be reading my profile carefully and giving it due consideration. They'll read about a sentence of that stuff about me liking sex and think 'that looks complicated and he's probably a perv whatever he says', and move onto the next middle aged bloke.

 

I'm not moaning, this is just the way it is. I'm actually fine with having to negotiate this hoop, but it does need doing, and it can only be done ad hoc, in conversation, as it comes up. I only mentioned it as a contribution to the debate about whether sexuals make clear they like sex, or asexuals should make clear they don't like sex, and at what point they should do so.

Well I myself would appreciate your vulnerability and honesty and if I was a hetero female with a high sex drive I would definitely message you as a result. Any woman looking for something serious like myself WILL read your profile and appreciate your honesty, but if you're on Tinder (did someone mention Tinder?) I think that's more of a hookup thing anyway? I won't touch that site with a 10 foot poll haha. 

 

There are women out there who will like the fact that you want to focus on fucking them (if that's what you're seeking right now, even if it's just no-strings-attached sex!) but there will certainly be bitches out there who will give you shit too. I get my fair share of shit from assholes too, believe me (one guy recently messaged me saying I'm lying to myself if I think my celibacy is a choice because men don't want to fuck single mothers. Omg what a wanker lol but seriously, anyone will get shit and that's the price we pay for our honesty!!). I'm not sure of exactly what you're looking for, but FetLife is also a good option if you want to go to the effort to build a thorough profile, explain your sexual desires in great detail, and get  really involved in the community. The amount of horny women on that site is just.. wow.. it surprises even me haha. And many of them have fully naked pics of themselves up etc (I did have pics like that up myself while I was on there which was for like 2 years until someone stole my pics and put them on a porn site saying I was a horny 18 year old who would suck dick for cocaine haha shame. Someone on AVEN found my FetLife profile too hah oops). So yeah, there are heaps of options and I personally will always stick by the idea that honesty is the best policy, even if it means that yes people will misinterpret stuff and be total wankers/bitches/whatever. They deserve a swift blocking because they're not worth the time of day.

 

9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

As far as anyone who who hasn't been in a relationship with an asexual is concerned, sex just is part of the emotional experience of a relationship. If it's become an issue in my previous relationships, it must be because I make outrageous demands. They'll conclude the only reason I bring it up must be that I'm a total sex pest, and potentially coercive, because why else would I bring up the possibility of someone not liking sex?

 

I'm willing to help raise awareness, but I'm not using a dating profile to do it.

 If the issue is solely that you don't want to end up with an asexual again then no I don't think you need to mention that because it's so rare anyway! But at the same time I don't see anything wrong with admitting say, you seek a woman with a high libido who enjoys being made to feel special in bed regularly f that's what you actually seek. A woman looking for that will appreciate your honesty and might want to get to know you better as a result. Just my personal opinion though. I don't like the idea of having to hide something because you worry it means people won't be interested in you or whatever. That thing is still going to be there no matter what so may as well just be honest about it. Again just my personal perspective though

[LeChat]

34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

...As a middle aged bloke, I won't get the inverse from females and any woman browsing the site won't be reading my profile carefully and giving it due consideration. They'll read about a sentence of that stuff about me liking sex and think 'that looks complicated and he's probably a perv whatever he says', and move onto the next middle aged bloke...

Perhaps others who've online dated would know and/or confirm this, but, if you're worried about your profile coming across as too "pervy" to others, wouldn't adding other hobbies--like your favorite films--make it seem not like that? Just trying to help...

[Telecaster68]

3 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

Any woman looking for something serious like myself WILL read your profile

Honestly, I'm skeptical that happens. From what I understand, a woman on these sites pretty much has to put 'hello, I'm a woman' and they'll get literally hundreds of 'likes' or whatever the site happens to call them. Their job becomes filtering them down to manageable numbers, and like employers faced with hundreds of job applications, they end up using quick and dirty (not in that way) criteria, including 'are there perv red flags?' and 'are there needy/complicated red flags?'. The spiel about sex being vitally important but in a loving way is going to trigger both of those, so I'm off the list smartish.

 

I'm the last person to start throwing round MGOW tropes, but truly women's experience of dating sites is vastly different to men's, purely because of market forces. Men typically send out dozens of crafted, specific messages and maybe get half a dozen replies, most of which will drop off the radar subsequently. We can't afford to front and centre anything less than extremely positive, because all the other dudes won't be and I won't even get to having a conversation in which to be clear and give some context and nuance. At the same time, I want to be clear about what I'm after because it's dishonest and counterproductive not to. It's just a tension that needs to be dealt with.

 

I did look at the local Fetlife site a while ago but I'm comparatively vanilla, again, single middle aged males aren't exactly rare and prized items, and tbh the local Fetlifers I could see weren't exactly my type. 

 

12 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

 If the issue is solely that you don't want to end up with an asexual again then no I don't think you need to mention that because it's so rare anyway!

Well, yeah, there's that. But once bitten...

 

 

[Sally]

38 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I'm not moaning, this is just the way it is. I'm actually fine with having to negotiate this hoop, but it does need doing, and it can only be done ad hoc, in conversation, as it comes up. I only mentioned it as a contribution to the debate about whether sexuals make clear they like sex, or asexuals should make clear they don't like sex, and at what point they should do so.

Since having sex in a relationship is pretty much a given (because most people are sexual), it isn't  necessary for sexuals to explicitly say they're going to want sex.   It is, I think, necessary for asexuals to state up-front if they affirmatively DON'T want sex.  Some asexuals are OK with having sex, so that explanation of their desires/non-desires wouldn't have to come immediately.