SiLLiC

allosexuals; whats sexual attraction like?

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SiLLiC

was kinda debating on whether or not i should post this here or on the allies board, but i felt this one was a little more relevant ;v;"

 

most of my close friends experience sexual attraction "fully" - i have one demisexual friend, and all the rest 100% experience sexual attraction. and yet i have a question that none of them have answered in a way that i quite understand: what is it actually like to experience sexual attraction? what does it mean?

as someone whos only recently discovered my identity, im quickly realising that everything i believed meant i wasnt asexual was all just romantic attraction. and even still, even being able to make that distinction now, i still dont think i really fully grasp the concept of what is meant by the term "sexual attraction", other than maybe something along the lines of wanting to have sex with someone? i dont understand the emotion that causes that. is it even an emotion? is sexual attraction all physical? can it be controlled or denied? does it go away if its not dealt with? is there a rational reason why you want to have sex with someone, or is it just sort of a random urge? why is it that most allosexual people struggle to imagine what its like to live without sexual attraction?

 

i understand that its a difficult question to answer, since im clearly never going to feel it myself, haha. but even still, i do find myself oddly curious about the topic. which feels weird, because most people seem to have the idea of "if youre curious about it you want to do it" in their heads

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SherlockHomes

Being asexual myself, I can only go off of what my non-asexual friends tell me. I had a friend in university describe boys she thought were hot as "panty-droppers." So I guess they made her want to get naked and do something sexy or sexual? Maybe not literally.

I've also heard that people can feel pulsations or throbbing in their genital area (or get a boner if they have the anatomy for that), maybe ejaculate a bit. I watched a Billy Crystal show on HBO and he described sexual attraction as his genitals saying "Now! Now! Now!" - I guess wanting to go for the girl and have sex.

An allosexual person could probably tell you more directly, though, these are just my best guesses and interpretations. I don't relate to these things.

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Naali

Sorry, ace here too. I have very very little experience with allos, but here's what I'm gathering from my allo (to be?)partner. I could be off cause I haven't necessarily asked, but for him the arousal and desire kinda are linked [at least when it comes to me, idk about his attraction to others]. He wants to, for lack of better wordage, take our clothes off and be with me in that (sexual) way. To be that physically close. He wants to share the physical sensations with me. Controlled or denied? I can't say, but I've put him in situations where he has had to suppress the urges to be with me.

 

I find it strange how allos can't grasp nonattraction because all you have to do is point at someone (say a friend) they are not attracted to and go "that's me all the time." I'm curious too, but from all that I gather, I'm not allo lol.

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Nowhere Girl
14 hours ago, SherlockHomes said:

I've also heard that people can feel pulsations or throbbing in their genital area (or get a boner if they have the anatomy for that), maybe ejaculate a bit.

Still, it doesn't have to be connected to sexual attraction. Libidoist asexuals may feel aroused, but it still doesn't make them feel desire.

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The_Squished_Elf

As a Gray-Ace, I think I can offer an answer. :)

 

The sensation of sexual attraction is certainly hard to describe, because there isn't really anything that compares to it that I've ever experienced. It is simultaneously an urge and a compulsion; the closest example I can give is a very intense addiction urge.

It's incredibly difficult to grasp from an ace's perspective, because again, nothing *really* compares. When I first experienced it, I thought something must be wrong with me, because I'd seldom felt any urge/compulsion so intense, and when I had it was socially unacceptable.

I can't say what it's like for females, but from a male perspective, there can be a sort of deep ache in the genitals that you are intrinsically aware can only be relieved by sexual acts. I find it comes with very intrusive fantasies that you can't really stop, you're thinking about sex with the people you're sexually attracted to, whether you want it or not. When you look at them, you can't help but notice their body shape, which only accentuates the other aspects. There's also an urge to have sex that's about twice as strong as sex revulsion, and in fact almost the opposite feeling; where sex revulsion can feel like a deep sickness in the pit of your stomach, almost a squeamish feeling, at the thought of sex, sexual attraction can feel the same at the thought of *not* having sex with that person - importantly, masturbation doesn't really help too much with that. Gave me a bit more respect for allosexual life when I realized that.

 

In direct response to your questions:

 

1. There *is* an emotion, but like all emotions, if you've never felt it, it's nearly impossible to grasp, much like imagining a new colour. Because it's kind of a base emotion, I can't describe it to you in regards to other things. Trying to understand it from an ace perspective is just as difficult as understanding asexuality from an allosexual perspective.

2. As above, while there is a major physical component, there is still an emotional one, often recognisable as being a direct result of hormones.

3. With experience, it can be controlled; this is what allosexuals have to learn through puberty. As such, teenagers often fail to control it, and this behaviour can continue until they git gud at it. Denying it, however, is generally unhealthy; kinky people do it sometimes because kinky, but if not done safely it can cause mental health issues from repression, or simply cause it to explode like bottled up anger at inopportune times.

4.  Depends on your level of ace-spectrum-ness. As a Gray-Ace, even at maximum length, it'll only last me three weeks of consistent desire before I go back to being ace for several months at least. I can't say what it's like for allos, if it ever really stops or not.

5. Again, depends on your own sexuality. Some will need rational reasons, some don't, some can't even think of rational reasons. Random urges are of course also common. This isn't really much related to the difference between allo- and a- sexuality.

6. For the same reason you have trouble understanding allosexuality. It's a foreign concept that doesn't really make sense. Again, it's like trying to describe a new colour that you've never seen. If you've never seen any shade of red or yellow or blue, how can they be accurately described to you?

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Apollo11
On 1/6/2019 at 9:37 AM, The_Squished_Elf said:

importantly, masturbation doesn't really help too much with that.

 

Why doesn't masturbation help with this feeling? I've noticed that is the case with my allosexual friends, as well. If they are attracted to someone unattainable, masturbation won't help a bit. I do not understand this, as I have a high libido and masturbation is very satisfying, it erases any horniness immediately. What's so different about partnered sex that makes it preferable when you are sexually attracted? Masturbation is still stimulating your genitals and you still get all the neurochemical reactions during orgasm. 

 

 

 

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GoneForGood
4 hours ago, Apollo11 said:

Why doesn't masturbation help with this feeling? I've noticed that is the case with my allosexual friends, as well. If they are attracted to someone unattainable, masturbation won't help a bit. I do not understand this, as I have a high libido and masturbation is very satisfying, it erases any horniness immediately. What's so different about partnered sex that makes it preferable when you are sexually attracted? Masturbation is still stimulating your genitals and you still get all the neurochemical reactions during orgasm. 

This is not just an allo/a difference. I am asexual, I don't want partnered sex with anyone but I have noticed historically that there is a physical difference in my body's reaction to partnered sex vs masturbation. I don't know why but masturbation does not provide any "release" for me, it actually only exacerbates the "drive" so I actively avoid it as well as partnered sex (which I did notice when I did do it did take care of the "drive")

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Sexual person here :)

 

on its most basic level, sexual attraction is a desire to connect sexually with another person for pleasure. All sorts of different things can motivate this desire (love, a desire for intimacy, hornyness, someone's appreance, different things for different sexual people) but at its most fundamental level there is a desire to connect on a sexual level with another person, and that's why masturbation can't 'meet' the need. That's like saying that if you need a hug, just hug yourself and you'll feel better lol. But a hug is a desire for SOMEONE ELSE to hold you, so holding yourself (even though the action is the same) can't meet that need.

 

Does that help @SiLLiC? :)

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Apollo11
10 hours ago, Ficto. said:

That's like saying that if you need a hug, just hug yourself and you'll feel better lol. But a hug is a desire for SOMEONE ELSE to hold you, so holding yourself (even though the action is the same) can't meet that need.

 

Does that help @SiLLiC? :)

So then it means that sexual attraction is an emotional/psychological need, rather than a physical one? 

 

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
Just now, Apollo11 said:

So then it means that sexual attraction is an emotional/psychological need, rather than a physical one? 

 

 

It's both really. :)

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Apollo11

  

2 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

It's both really. :)

That sheds some light in my mind. I guess I never considered sexual attraction as having also an emotional aspect to it.

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HayaH
1 hour ago, Ficto. said:

It's both really. :)

Ficto, do you think males and females (men and women) have different view on sex? (experiencing sexual attraction differently).

(question is for anyone who can answer )

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, HayaH said:

Ficto, do you think males and females (men and women) have different view on sex? (experiencing sexual attraction differently).

(question is for anyone who can answer )

 

In general, men do experience it a bit differently than women (often for men, it can be a lot more visual and for women it can be a lot more emotional). HOWEVER, I've also met men for whom it's ENTIRELY emotional with no visual aspects to it at all and women for whom it's almost entirely visual with no emotional aspects, and then of course many people for whom it's a mixture of those things!! But, underneath all that, there is still a desire to connect sexually with certain other people under specific circumstances - that's why I think that's the best way to define sexual attraction. It's the draw to connect on a sexual level with another person for pleasure, regardless of whether that's driven by physical desire, an emotional need, a mixture of the two, or something else entirely!! :) 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 hours ago, Apollo11 said:

 

3 hours ago, Ficto. said:

It's both really. :)

 

That sheds some light in my mind. I guess I never considered sexual attraction as having also an emotional aspect to it.

I have literally no recollection of making this response to you :o It says I replied to you 3 hours ago but I don't even remember being on AVEN 3 hours ago? Last time I remember commenting on this topic was like 3 days ago I am sure 😕 Oh man, I hope I'm not losing my marbles 😕 I usually have trouble with following time but it's never been this bad. The quote system must be temporarily broken or something because I definitely wasn't commenting on AVEN 3 hours ago and haven't commented in this topic since a few days ago (until I made my response to HayaH just now). Meep. 😕 

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HayaH
2 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

HOWEVER, I've also met men for whom it's ENTIRELY emotional with no visual aspects to it at all and women for whom it's almost entirely visual with no emotional aspects, and then of course many people for whom it's a mixture of those things!!

Thanks Ficto. Yeah, we noticed also those differences (or tendencies), but as you say, in quote, it's not a rule. 

 

3 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

I have literally no recollection of making this response to you :o It says I replied to you 3 hours ago but I don't even remember being on AVEN 3 hours ago? Last time I remember commenting on this topic was like 3 days ago I am sure 😕 Oh man, I hope I'm not losing my marbles 😕 I usually have trouble with following time but it's never been this bad. The quote system must be temporarily broken or something because I definitely wasn't commenting on AVEN 3 hours ago and haven't commented in this topic since a few days ago (until I made my response to HayaH just now). Meep. 😕 

What do you mean? Like, someone else entered into your account? (asking because you complained having security warnings few days ago)  Check up your time zone of your comments, as we noticed you always are active about 12-13 hours from our time zone, and find  if you see something unusual. 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
7 minutes ago, HayaH said:

What do you mean? Like, someone else entered into your account? (asking because you complained having security warnings few days ago)  Check up your time zone of your comments, as we noticed you always are active about 12-13 hours from our time zone, and find  if you see something unusual. 

I've never had this problem with the AVEN quote system before, for me if it says I made the comment 2 hours ago or 5 mins ago or 6 days ago it will always record that accurately :o  The issue is that I do remember briefly responding to Apollo11, but the response was a few days ago and not a few hours ago. But it's saying that Apollo asked the question only a few hours ago and that I responded to them quite soon after they asked that question.

 

I have always had this bad problem with time 'changing', so like I will think only a short amount of time has gone past but actually it's been a few days, or I might remember something like it happened a couple of days ago but actually it was a month since it happened or sometimes even a year, but I certainly have no recollection at all of being on AVEN a few hours ago. I was on call with a friend in Argentina and we watched a TV show together, then I was researching juicer brands as I am going to go on a juice fast soon. I thought this was the first time I have logged onto AVEN this evening! (well, it's now 3am for me)

Like I said, I do remember responding to Apollo, I just don't recall the actual words and I remember it happening a few days ago.. not a few hours ago when I wasn't even on AVEN!! I know someone hasn't accessed my account (and I wasn't drinking alcohol either) but my brain has just completely warped the response time I guess 😕 I just truly don't have any recollection of being here a few hours ago even though I remember making my brief response to Apollo in this thread a few days ago.. but apparently Apollo only asked me that question a few hours ago. Urgh.

This is what I see:

eh.jpg

 

I just remember that happening three days ago, not three hours ago 😕 

Anyway this is off topic, sorry OP. I think my brain must just be overwhelmed I guess :c 

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HayaH

@Ficto.

What is important is that everything is fine. Take care of yourself, sleep well, and all will be great, no worries! :  )

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 minute ago, HayaH said:

@Ficto.

What is important is that everything is fine. Take care of yourself, sleep well, and all will be great, no worries! :  )

Thank you, I am definitely going to get some sleep now, this gave me quite a fright :c take care, and thank you both for being wonderful! :cake: 

 

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GoneForGood
4 hours ago, HayaH said:

Ficto, do you think males and females (men and women) have different view on sex? (experiencing sexual attraction differently).

(question is for anyone who can answer )

 

I used to think this in a big way. I avoided men because they were incredibly aggressive in their pursuit of sex and blatantly obvious that they (the ones pursuing me at least, not a condemnation of all men) cared ONLY about sex. After years of identifying as a lesbian and spending more and more time with them what I finally realized is that women were just as interested in sex and many (again only going by those that I have met, not generalizing all women) also cared only about the sex act itself. 

 

I am growing to understand that sexuals are driven seemingly in the same way that the rest of mammals are only during the period that they are "in heat". But somehow, once in a relationship they finally get an emotional attachment thing and then that part becomes an integral part of it (evolution at work, spreading seed widely until it succeeds then changing the person so that they support the resultant offspring?). No idea if I have only met terrible people in my life or what.

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Dollyrose09
6 hours ago, MakeLoveNotWar said:

I am growing to understand that sexuals are driven seemingly in the same way that the rest of mammals are only during the period that they are "in heat". But somehow, once in a relationship they finally get an emotional attachment thing and then that part becomes an integral part of it (evolution at work, spreading seed widely until it succeeds then changing the person so that they support the resultant offspring?). No idea if I have only met terrible people in my life or what.

I definitely know people like that & I can understand it somewhat even if that ain't me. For some, the prospect of experiencing mutual pleasure instead of getting off alone in any capacity is exciting even if it'd be better in a relationship (unless they're not the settling down type or something?).  Also it might have something to do with your feelings on sex. Personally my need for an emotional connection overrides any desire to even consider it because it's an expression of love. I thought I had no interest at all but have since realized that it's likely I had sex with a man instead of a woman

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burobu

As a sort of fringe case myself, I think I may be able to contribute to the conversation.

 

 

On 1/6/2019 at 5:37 AM, The_Squished_Elf said:

There's also an urge to have sex that's about twice as strong as sex revulsion, and in fact almost the opposite feeling; where sex revulsion can feel like a deep sickness in the pit of your stomach, almost a squeamish feeling, at the thought of sex, sexual attraction can feel the same at the thought of *not* having sex with that person - importantly, masturbation doesn't really help too much with that. Gave me a bit more respect for allosexual life when I realized that.

 

I think that's not the case most of the time if you're really just talking about "sexual attraction/desire" in general. What you describe sounds to me a lot more like infatuation than like regular everyday sexual attraction. "Being in love", in other words. Which is pretty much a whole mind-body syndrome, tied to hormonal activity. For me, when it comes to anything related to sex drive, masturbation does help and is actually enough on its own. I know it doesn't work like this for most people, but still, it already shows that there isn't an automatic connection between one thing and the other (fortunately! :lol:).

 

I've always had serious trouble regulating emotions or even just tolerating strong emotions of any kind (even positive ones), and I'm very aware that this is why I don't even consider (anymore) the possibility of having any type of intimate relationship (by any meaning of the word "intimate"). I was able to develop exactly one intimate relationship in my life (with someone with similar issues, in my late 20s), and that was enough for me. When I remember it, I feel glad that I pursued it wholeheartedly, but I also feel really glad that it's long over. :lol:

 

Until that point, I struggled a lot in my life with infatuation. But since then, I don't anymore, because the visceral reminder that it has no possible satisfactory conclusion is stronger, so it just doesn't happen. Still, I don't feel like my sexuality has changed at all. My libido still fluctuates the same way as it used to, and the proverbial little voice in my head (or "down there", when that's the case) still has the same things to say about physical features and behavior of women (and depictions of women) that I see. Sexual satisfaction still revolves around the imagined act like it used to.

 

What's not there in my head anymore is the emotional purpose of it, which to me was always the whole point as far as real life is concerned. So I just see my sexuality as a quirk of my head/body. No use in denying that it's there or trying to fight against it (and in small doses it can give an extra layer of meaning to certain types of art and fiction), but no use in giving it any further credence either.

 

Edited by burobu

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Graceful

U

On 1/9/2019 at 11:59 AM, GoneForGood said:

I am growing to understand that sexuals are driven seemingly in the same way that the rest of mammals are only during the period that they are "in heat". But somehow, once in a relationship they finally get an emotional attachment thing and then that part becomes an integral part of it (evolution at work, spreading seed widely until it succeeds then changing the person so that they support the resultant offspring?). No idea if I have only met terrible people in my life or what.

Not sure where you got that info? That’s a very crude and inaccurate description in my opinion. It’s very different for everyone. Some sexuals enjoy sex for fun without attachments, yes. But I think the majority either strongly prefer or would only even consider sex with someone they genuinely care about and have a commitment with. The thought of having sex with a stranger is repulsive to me but I do enjoy sex with my partner. I don’t know many people who would even want a one night stand when they’re single. There’s a reason it’s portrayed as a cause of regret and shame on tv and in movies. Because that’s how people actually feel most of the time. Some don’t though and that’s okay too. Sexuals are individuals and have sex for their own reasons and have their own unique preferences.

 

I relate a lot to Pan’s hug analogy. I’m sexual but don’t have much of a libido. I guess for me, sexual attraction is the feeling I get when I want to share sexual intimacy with someone at some point. It’s not arousal because that’s fleeting and provoked. But it can cause arousal. Sexual attraction for me is very intimate. It’s not a focus on the sex itself, but the intensity for lack of better words. I really can’t explain it better than the hug analogy! 

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CBC
On 1/9/2019 at 11:59 AM, GoneForGood said:

I am growing to understand that sexuals are driven seemingly in the same way that the rest of mammals are only during the period that they are "in heat". 

I've literally never been "in heat" in my life. 😶

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Goonie
8 hours ago, CBC said:

I've literally never been "in heat" in my life. 😶

So you mean it's not normal to go around yowling to let others know I'm fertile while staying in downward dog pose or the standing mounting position?  :D

 

If humans experienced "in heat" symptoms life and social interactions would be drastically more colorful. Though, that could lead to indecent exposure and a higher rate of voyeurism. 

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CBC
6 hours ago, Goonie said:

So you mean it's not normal to go around yowling to let others know I'm fertile while staying in downward dog pose or the standing mounting position?  :D

Might be normal for some! 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Serran
On 2/12/2019 at 10:03 AM, Goonie said:

So you mean it's not normal to go around yowling to let others know I'm fertile while staying in downward dog pose or the standing mounting position?  :D

 

If humans experienced "in heat" symptoms life and social interactions would be drastically more colorful. Though, that could lead to indecent exposure and a higher rate of voyeurism. 

I wonder if that would work, or scare people away. :lol:

 

For me sexual attraction is based on intense emotional feelings which manifest in wanting to express it through sexual intimacy. Only felt for my spouse, not randoms

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