uhtred

What is typical and does it matter

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uhtred
43 minutes ago, HeyTay said:

 

@uhtredHave you guys tried talking to a healthcare professional? Studies show that there are biochemical and emotional reasons that people desire sex from their partner. It’s a little unfair to compare sex to dessert (if that is truly what she is doing). 😅

 

It is also possible that she is experiencing an extreme low post sex and could need a lot of attention or distraction afterwards? So even if she might feel neutral or enjoy sex, she could be experiencing post-sex blues. It can cause you to think you regret having sex.

 

And yeah... going to a sex-friend outside the relationship could be painful. I could see this enhancing an Ace’s feelings of inadequacy and make the Sexual question if their partner loves them enough to stop them from doing this super intimate thing with someone else. However, open relationships work for some people 🤷‍♀️ 

She is very resistant to talking about it because she doesn't see it as a problme.  (Its sort of like trying to convince an ACE person to go to a doctor an get "cured" - not sure thats really an appropriate action). 

She gives every impression of being happy afterwards.  She seems to enjoy sex - just very rarely. 

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HeyTay
7 minutes ago, uhtred said:

She is very resistant to talking about it because she doesn't see it as a problme.  (Its sort of like trying to convince an ACE person to go to a doctor an get "cured" - not sure thats really an appropriate action). 

She gives every impression of being happy afterwards.  She seems to enjoy sex - just very rarely. 

I didn’t mean to imply that. It is far from being about fixing someone and more about understanding the other person’s perspective.

 

It seems like you would feel better if she understood what you are feeling. She likely wants you to understand as well. That is the only reason I suggested seeing someone. I went to talk to a professional alone just so I could ask questions without feeling embarrassed or worried about hurting SO’s feelings.

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ryn2
41 minutes ago, HeyTay said:

It is far from being about fixing someone and more about understanding the other person’s perspective.

I was thinking this as well.  It’s unfortunately true that - even though no individual in a relationship has a problem that needs fixing - the relationship itself can have a problem that needs fixing... or at least discussion and understanding.

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Nicole18214

Unfortunately, communication in ALL aspects is a key to all parties being happy in a long relationship, and when one party has difficulty communicating or doesn't want to communicate it makes things very difficult.  

I don't have a lot of trouble putting myself in the position of your wife as I could see myself doing/saying a lot of those things.  I have been trying to learn more about what things mean to sexuals and communicate with my SO, especially when SO asks direct questions in regards to having/not having sex, but it is not an easy topic of communication and can be a lot easier to just continually push off or try to ignore/walk around the topic.

 

I also don't know if I missed it somewhere, but does your wife identify as asexual?

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uhtred
1 hour ago, Nicole18214 said:

Unfortunately, communication in ALL aspects is a key to all parties being happy in a long relationship, and when one party has difficulty communicating or doesn't want to communicate it makes things very difficult.  

I don't have a lot of trouble putting myself in the position of your wife as I could see myself doing/saying a lot of those things.  I have been trying to learn more about what things mean to sexuals and communicate with my SO, especially when SO asks direct questions in regards to having/not having sex, but it is not an easy topic of communication and can be a lot easier to just continually push off or try to ignore/walk around the topic.

 

I also don't know if I missed it somewhere, but does your wife identify as asexual?

If that is to me, then no.  She thinks her level of interest is normal, and that media vastly exaggerates the level of interest in sex that most people have. 

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HeyTay
39 minutes ago, uhtred said:

If that is to me, then no.  She thinks her level of interest is normal, and that media vastly exaggerates the level of interest in sex that most people have.

There are times I feel this way myself, so I can understand it. I can only speak from my perspective as a demisexual woman... you can feel like you have sex and the message to be sexy shoved in your face 24/7. And when you feel neutral towards sex, you can start to feel irritated that is pushed on you. Annoyed that when you turn on the radio, it seems like 90% of songs are about sex. Forming the view that it is exaggerated is easy. To me, it does seem exaggerated. There is comfort in having a getaway where sex and sexiness temporarily does not exist.

 

The world has a range from asexuals to hypersexuals, so every couple you see is doing something different to enjoy their relationship(s). Find a way to make her understand you want the conversation to be about you and her - not about societal norms or expectations. Don’t enter a conversation making demands or comparing yourselves to other people, but make the things you enjoy known. Maybe ask each other what they fantasize about doing with the other? It could be going to a zoo a petting baby animals, making an awesome couples cosplay, climbing the 7 peaks, or having sex under a meteor shower. Also, share the things you genuinely don’t like or the things that scare you.

 

I really do wish you the best.

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GoneForGood

@HeyTay I was reading that list and really loved it until the last item and I was like "but if there is a meteor shower I want to WATCH it", I guess that is just another asexual moment.

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HeyTay
9 minutes ago, MakeLoveNotWar said:

@HeyTay I was reading that list and really loved it until the last item and I was like "but if there is a meteor shower I want to WATCH it", I guess that is just another asexual moment.

Lol that is why I included it. My SO has mentioned this specifically as something romantic he would like to do in a dark zone.

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ryn2
31 minutes ago, HeyTay said:

There is comfort in having a getaway where sex and sexiness temporarily does not exist.

This might actually be very relevant here.  For many people a vacation is a way to escape the pressures of everyday life and instead focus on things you enjoy.  Doing things you enjoy with your partner can be “romantic,” in the sense of “this vacation is all about us.”

 

If one person’s hope is that the plate is being cleared of the the usual day-to-day pressure(s) in order to make room

for sex, and the other (has a lower need or tolerance for partnered sex, even - doesn’t really have to be ace - and) is hoping sex is one of those day-to-day pressures to be cleared off the plate, the combined experience is going to be disappointing.

 

It’s probably going to be disappointing for all parties, because no one will really get to relax and enjoy a happy time together.  At least one person (and maybe everyone) will be carrying nagging disappointment, which will then spill over as “not seeming to have much fun.”

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uhtred
2 hours ago, MakeLoveNotWar said:

@HeyTay I was reading that list and really loved it until the last item and I was like "but if there is a meteor shower I want to WATCH it", I guess that is just another asexual moment.

I"m sexual, but there we agree.  Sex is great, but there are lots of things that are better experienced without sex at the same time.  (like bungee jumping...)

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uhtred
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

This might actually be very relevant here.  For many people a vacation is a way to escape the pressures of everyday life and instead focus on things you enjoy.  Doing things you enjoy with your partner can be “romantic,” in the sense of “this vacation is all about us.”

 

If one person’s hope is that the plate is being cleared of the the usual day-to-day pressure(s) in order to make room

for sex, and the other (has a lower need or tolerance for partnered sex, even - doesn’t really have to be ace - and) is hoping sex is one of those day-to-day pressures to be cleared off the plate, the combined experience is going to be disappointing.

 

It’s probably going to be disappointing for all parties, because no one will really get to relax and enjoy a happy time together.  At least one person (and maybe everyone) will be carrying nagging disappointment, which will then spill over as “not seeming to have much fun.”

Agreed, and "romantic" situations can greatly amplify the issue if one person associates romance with sex and the other associates romance with no-sex. 

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ryn2
5 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Agreed, and "romantic" situations can greatly amplify the issue if one person associates romance with sex and the other associates romance with no-sex. 

Or even if one feels all romantic situations should (ideally, at least) involve/lead to sex whereas the other sees sex as but one of numerous romantic options.

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