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Ziffler

Giving Up on Relationships?

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Ziffler

Is there a point where you give up trying to find that ideal relationship?

All my life I wanted a real, intimate relationship where I was loved and I could share the love that bubbled up to overflowing inside me with someone and it really didnt matter if they were female or male since I didnt want sex to be a part of the relationship. All through my adult life from teenager into my late 40's I tried to find such a relationship. I tried many times to make one happen with different people that I really cared about. I can remember laying awake at night dreaming of just what I wanted in a relationship. I can remember praying to God to send that right person/ that soulmate to me. I can remember crying nights because the reality of my life was lonliness and I didnt want to be alone.

Then somewhere along the line, as I grew older the desire for a relationship faded away. Now it no longer exists. Now I wouldnt get into a relationship for any reason. Now I enjoy my lonliness and freedom. Does age play a factor in this? Does failing and failing over and over again with relationships play a factor? Has anyone else just given up and resigned themslves into a lone existence?

Ok, there you go. Another new topic to sink your teeth into. Hope it involves some inner reflexions.

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KAGU143

I'm not sure whether I have or not.

In one sense, yes. I have completely given up on the idea of having a faithful, monogamous husband who will stick by me and only me, no matter what. I have come to realize just how unnatural and, frankly, in some ways, sexist that scenario is. Up until I found AVEN and really had a chance to TALK to men who were genuinely communicating rather than merely courting, I honestly didn't know. I had read about it, but it didn't seem real to me. I think the majority of the younger female AVENites STILL don't know, (but I digress.)

Anyway, I have totally given up on the traditional marriage idea.

'Ain't gonna happen.

BUT ... I desperately need my friends. Without at least SOME human contact, even if it's only online, I deteriorate into depression very quickly.

I have come to realize that I am unable to live completely alone.

There is a certain amount of anxiety that seems to be inevitable in this situation, since I am depending on my friends to stick around because they want to, rather than because they have to. Still, I think a relationship that has to be enforced is actually worse than none at all. An enforced relationship is still sufficient to limit my options, but it leaves me just as lonely and alienated as being alone, if not more so.

Total aloneness is empowering in a way since the option of simply ending the pain becomes a valid one at that point.

I'm not sure whether I answered your question or not. I guess, in a nutshell, I would say "yes and no."

I don't feel very decisive today.

-GB

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Tanwen

We are, by nature, social animals - for countless generations we've lived in family groups/tribes etc. Few humans can live entirely alone, though there are some.

I think I'm a bit 'Jeckyll and Hyde' (probably spelt that wrong). Part of me needs interaction, I would love to have friends but haven't had a close one since I left Primary School at 11 - mainly because of the other side who thinks the ideal living environment would be a single-berth canal barge.

It's completely unreasonable for me to expect anyone else to be a partner to such a selfish, one-sided arrangement. So solitary is how I'm going to have to be.

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roddy9uk

Having been married with said marriage ending in acrimony I could never conceive of ever again entering into such a relationship. This I see not so much a matter of personal choice but more as a physical (psychological maybe) impossibility. Basically I could never give the utter trust implicit in the marriage vows to another person.

roddy

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PollyB

I agree with Greybird, I desperately need, and depend on, friends. I still somehow need to define myself as lesbian-asexual because of who I've been all this time, but it's not particularly "romantic", and actually the wish for a partner just kind of drifted painlessly away while I was going through some combination of my mother becoming older and frailer, then dying, and my own (earlyish) menopause. I'm really lucky in the number of trusted people in my life, but "friends" is the heading they all, in various ways, come under. And I agree with Tanwen about a certain Jekyll-and-Hyde factor which means I can shut the door on them when I'm home, too!

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lux

I agree with Wordwich,I need my friends,but I also need to find to somebody special to me,a soulmate,preferibily a woman who cares me and stand by me,although she must let to have my own space,because I am very independent and I couldn't to have somebody always around me,all the time,24 hours per day,like the most of couples you see in the parks,giving their hands and falled in love each to other,no,I'm so independent to this.I dream to meet a woman who let my own space,who knows to understand me,but,at the same time,take cares of me.A miracle!!!. :roll:

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pinkfizzie

Well ZIffler, I certanly agreed with the first paragraph, it was as if you wrote my thoughts. In one sense I do feel I have given up hope of everfinding my special man, yet secretly I think hope springs eternal. In part I think it is becasue of my age, I assume if I did not find anyone by now what are the chances. I hear of people my age getting hitched,etc and I feel that empty twinge again. Time for Miss Havesham to go rock.

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Steel

I've moved my focus from wanting a human relationship to having a relationship with my creator. And pursuing a calling. I like the idea of having left something postive in my wake. I have had to deal with far too much emotional blackmail and drama over love in my life.

It's left me soured and distrustful of it. So when someone begins yammering on about the wonderfullness of love now......I roll my eyes and think..........."Here we go again, please.......just spare me, go find someone else to prop up your emotional content."

I've lost my fear of losing the attention of manipulative people. I send them on down the line to be pests to others, more deserving of thier rich gifts of mind-buggery. The ones who light me up are those who share some common interests-without trying to use them as masks over hidden agendas.

I have noticed a pretty universal thing about desperate people. They don't really want YOU. What they really want, is for you to step into a cute little costume they constructed in thier febrile imaginations. And make it move around to the puppet like steps they scripted.

I prefer something more authentic.

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sunset
I have noticed a pretty universal thing about desperate people. They don't really want YOU.

Yes, I totally agree. That's what I don't trust about sex. When someone wants sex, they act like you're the greatest thing in the world. If you don't give it, suddenly you're no one special.

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Ziffler

Thank You Steel,

I couldn't have put it better myself.

You have captured my feelings exactly.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

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artemisbrowndeer

Steel, thank you for putting into words what I am also feeling. I am tired of the manipulation, the selfishness, and the drama that seems to automatically come with romantic/sexual relationships.

I have also been looking long and far for an appropriate partner, but to no avail, because most others thrive on the drama and the manipulation. But not me. So life goes on, with the pain that comes from being perceived as different than most others.

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Aeriel

Whoa, Steel! Awesome post! Thanks for writing.

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Frigid Pink

Wow, Greybird, I really relate to what you said. Practically word for word.

And Ziffler, I find it disheartening to hear how difficult it is to enter a relationship that really works for you.

I certainly wish you happiness in your life, regardless of whether that includes a relationship or not.

I am one of the younger AVENites (I'm 21). I certainly hope the possibility of an authentic romantic/asexual relationship with someone exists. I am not particularly looking for these relationships, though they do appeal to me if and when I meet someone I connect strongly with and am willing to explore a relationship with.

I am a very independent person. I do not want to be manipulated or suffocated. I need my space. I am also very social and I need people and friendships in my life to be healthy and happy. A lack of social interaction and meaningful relationships with others leads me to a depressive state, as well.

I wonder if this will be my story when I am forty, or fifty, or whenever. I, too, wonder if what I want will be possible for me.

I am currently interested in exploring a romantic/asexual relationship with someone (who is a sexual), so long as they would be willing to enter into a relationship that would not involve sex.

I have decided to ask them if that may be something they'd like to explore with me, though I honestly have no idea as to what their answer will be.

They claim to really like me, also. I just wonder if I'm likable enough, as far as a prospective relationship is concerned.

I still want to spend time with other people, with my friends (both male and female, one-on-one or in groups). And I'm not willing to compromise sex for a relationship with anyone, which might be a very difficult thing for a sexual to overlook.

Regardless, I'm going to act on what I'm feeling for this person.

Whatever makes me happy is worth exploring.

And I don't believe there is ever a cut-off time for exploring or for finding someone you are compatible with.

I won't say to give up hope, but I will say to be happy in whatever way you can :D

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Frigid Pink

I really, really like this person.

I am currently interested in exploring a romantic/asexual relationship with this person (who is a sexual), so long as they would be willing to enter into a relationship that would not involve sex.

I have decided to ask them if that may be something they'd like to explore with me, though I honestly have no idea as to what their answer will be.

They claim to really like me, also. I just wonder if I'm likable enough, as far as a prospective relationship is concerned.

I still want to spend time with other people, with my friends (both male and female, one-on-one or in groups). And I'm not willing to compromise sex for a relationship with anyone (even though it is physically possible, I just can't bring myself to do that---I feel it would be very unhealthy and damaging to me), which might be a very difficult thing for a sexual to overlook.

Regardless, I'm going to act on what I'm feeling for this person.

Whatever makes me happy is worth exploring.

Any advice/thoughts are welcome.

Oh, and support---support would be AWESOME :D

-FP

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Ziffler

Frigid PiNk

Thanks for the post and well wishes.

Actually I am living a very happy life. I know sometimes It might not sound that way, when I post. Usually that is do to reminencing about the past and how I felt back then. Those days are gone and over with. I am very happy with my life as it is now.

Frigid PiNk I also wish you luck and happiness with your relationships. I would be remiss if I didnt say this, and I dont really want to say it but I am cause, well just cause of my experiences and wish to help others avoid my mistakes or allusions. Yes, you can have a fun and happy relationship with a sexual person, for awhile. At first it isn't about the sex it's about the friendship. But eventually, the sexual person is going to want to go in that direction. Its just part of who they are. So enjoy your relationship, have fun but please dont build the allusion that it will be permenant. That will lead to much sorry.

Hope I haven't squashed your dreams too much. And you never know, your sexual friend, might be willing to submerge (wrong word but I can't think of the right word at this moment) their desires for the friendship.

Thanks again for your well wishes ands be assured that I am a very happy person with my life as it is, and with the future that is ahead for me.

Ziffler

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Frigid Pink

Thanks, Ziffler.

I'm glad to hear you are happy.

Just because this person most likely will not remain with me, does that mean it is even worth it to enter the relationship?

Or, does it really matter if you enter a relationship you know will not last?

Do you think this will be damaging to our friendship?

Or, do you think we should just do this and have fun with it?

I'm sorry for bombarding you with all of these questions.

I'm just very confused concerning how to handle my feelings (and my friend's feelings) in this situation.

I want to do the "right" thing, and by that, I mean, the best thing for me (and for my friend).

If I don't act on these feelings, then I guess I will never know if anything would have come of them.

Also, I have only been in one relationship before (three years ago) that lasted two months. I have not been dating or involved with anyone romantically since then, so this is not something I am experienced with.

I do sincerely appreciate the advice you have given me.

I'm just unsure of what to do now.

Thanks again!

-FP

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Ziffler

Frigid PiNk

Hopefully, You are addressing those questions to the entire community and not to just me because I lack the experience to answer those questions. I chose at a very young age, to NEVER get involved in a romantic relationship, long before I knew about asexuality.

There are people here at AVEN that have experienced successful relationships. They would be best to answer your questions. I will give you answers from my limited experience but dont put too much importance on what I say, but what those who have experienced relationships have to say. ok?

Ok. I re-read your initial post so here are my answers.

Just because this person most likely will not remain with me, does that mean it is even worth it to enter the relationship?

I say yes, its worth it if you want a relationship. The old cliche, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." In todays society where committment doesn't mean anything, even sexual relationships have no guarranties of lasting. So your chances of having a meaningful relationship are about the same as theirs.

Or, does it really matter if you enter a relationship you know will not last?

Yes it matters. The question is, what do you want? Would you be satisfied with a short term relationship that was beautiful and caring during its short duration? Or are you determined the relationship has to be long term or nothing?

Do you think this will be damaging to our friendship?

This is a risk everyone takes when they move their friendship to a more intimate relationship. If the relationship falls apart, so might the friendship if the relationship crumbles under bad circumstances. (For me, any time a woman hinted at going into an intimate relationship, I fled. So it ruined our friendship.)

Or, do you think we should just do this and have fun with it?

Oh no. You aren't getting me to make your decision for you. :D

I think if you and your friend decide to go for it, then I think both of you should sit down and discuss what you expect from each other and what neither of you will compromise on, before taking the plunge. Being asexual vs sexual is an important stumbling block that needs to be talked about. Don't go into a relationship with your friend with them thinking it might become sexual at a later time, if you aren't willing to go there.

Those of us of the older generation call this "THE TALK". :D :D :D

Now, with all that said. There are some asexual couples here on AVEN. I don't know who they are or where they hang out, but I have read some posts they have made, so I know that asexuals that find each other can make a relationship happen.

Asexual/sexual, there are some of those here also. I believe I read a post somewhere on here about such a couple and their relationship works.

So I believe it can work if two people are willing to commit to it and focus on the things that are more important than sex. Friendship, loyalty, caring, romance, mutual interests, honesty, communication and etc.

Hope this helps.

I am assuming that you are reading the "Asexual Relationships" and "For Sexual Partners, Friend and Allies" forums as well. Should be able to find some good info in those two forums.

Good luck and I do hope all works out for the best for you.

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janlascko

to my friends here...

I have given up on a 'relationship'. I was watching TV the other night, on TLC, about this nice lady, a quadriplegic, who married this really handsome guy and was struggling to have a child. And through all the drama of the baby's birth, all I could disgustingly think of is "how could this woman, who can't walk and must be cared for almost 24/7 find this really nice looking caring guy who looks that good?!?!" :cry: My jealousy was STUPID, because duh, Jan, she can't walk, or hold her baby or care for him herself! I FELT AWFUL for being so jealous of this gal! I've tried EHarmony, Match.com, Yahoo personals - nothing. Not that I'm not happy being me - I'm a productive member to society and going to school, raised my kids by myself, but what's wrong with me, that I can't seem to click into a relationship - always the wrong guys! I always 'settled' with what came along, glad they even talked with me. I made so many mistakes.... :oops: I did sign up at www.asexualpals.com so let's see what comes from that....

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