SisterHazel Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 I found AVEN a week ago and I just have to say thank you! Also I would like to say sorry this is going to be all over the place. So I will just get right into it. I'm 31 sexual F and my fiance is 33 M and I think he is Asexual. He's never really been one to want to have sex and I just love him so much that I guess I put my sex brain alarm on silent. I have broke down crying a few times when he asked me what's wrong and its the same thing "why dont you want to have sex with me" he gives the same reasons, work stress, the general blank sad look, the normal go to's. Now I'm getting more and more mad and that's scaring me. He makes me so upset because after every talk he does nothing. I don't even try to initiate any more it has to be on him because I just cant stand getting rejected anymore. We got engaged 4 months ago and we didn't even have sex then or my birthday. Two weeks ago I finally broke down again (less crying) and we talked he said gr would go t ok the Doctors and all the normally sorry stuff. We had sex once since then and it was the same thing lights off and try and get it over with feeling. Then on Christmas night he what I thought wanted to have sex (boner poke) I was so happy my heart was so happy I turn over and then he just lays there while I try to kiss him and I felt like i was kissing a sleeping person, he would t touch me and then just asked for a blow job and I did. I silently cried myself to sleep that night. Like mother F'er why why would you do that to me? I dont even know what I'm trying to ask but this is the man love and we are getting married next year. Sorry this is so long and rambling. Thank you to whoever has any help for me. Link to post Share on other sites
GoneForGood Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 I think you need to really talk it out with him, maybe even with a couples councilor. If he is going to refuse to compromise then your only choices are going to be Put up with not having sex in the relationship End the relationship I have been in long term relationships with sexual people and we had to work out a compromise. This means more often than I would choose and less often than they would choose. Link to post Share on other sites
Serra Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 I honestly admit that Im not sure how to advise you.. but have you tried actually TALKING to him about how he might be feeling? any relationship is difficult, but you both need to be able to communicate clearly about what you want and how you feel- otherwise feelings will continue to be pent up before exploding and the end could be much worse than it could have been if you both just had a conversation and figured out where you both really were at. I know you both love each other- but if you cant communicate/show actual feelings for each other- Maybe this relationship isnt for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 @toothtech Welcome to AVEN! It sounds like he is Asexual and doesn't know, meaning he's likely to dismiss the possibility reflexively. It might help to show him this it's a short book about Asexuality that's free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/ Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, Link to post Share on other sites
SisterHazel Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I dont know how to bring it up any differently. We talk about it and I think he understands my need amd my feelings but then we just slip back. I've been trying to let him know when he "accidentally" turns me on like he will touch my upper thigh and I have to tell him to stop if he isn't prepared to have sex and I feel like a monster but I feel like if I dont then he wouldn't know how much or how easy I'm turned on. Link to post Share on other sites
Serra Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 You guys need to sit and have a REAL conversation- not just these little- mini ones- nothing will get resolved otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
SisterHazel Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 How do I even go about asking if he is Asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
GoneForGood Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 He might not even understand that he is asexual. I know that I did not understand it for a long time. You may have to talk to him about what it is. The book mentioned above may help Link to post Share on other sites
Serra Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 dont ask him directly- ask him how he feels- do your research on asexuality- then ask him questions that pertain to the possiblility... you know? Lead him into the possiblity- help him understand how he feels so he can understand how you feel. Its much easier to get actual answers if the person youre talking to feels less alone in their feelings- Validate how he feels- as he should validate how you feel... TALK it out. If you can figure it out together- then you can figure out where to go together too. Link to post Share on other sites
andreas1033 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 There could be many reasons why. Gay males alot of times get involved with females, and they cannot do it. So telling the difference between a gay male, and a asexual male, from the point of view of a female, will not be easy. There probably are other reasons too. Do you know anything about his history before you got together? Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 32 minutes ago, toothtech said: We talk about it and I think he understands my need amd my feelings but then we just slip back. If he's ace and doesn't know it, he doesn't really understand you: he's never experienced what you experience, it's something he has to wrap his head around. And if he's asexual, it means he can never feel attracted to you. You'll never have "enthusiastic consent" or his desire to do it. If he is asexual, what you might manage to have -- a best case scenario -- is a compromise where he realizes how much it means to you, and you shift your expectations of what you need to be happy with what he can give you. Achieving that requires a lot of empathy and communication. Sex is a chore -- maybe minor, maybe major -- the best you can do is make it a minor one that he wants to do because he likes to see how happy it makes you. If he doesn't know about asexuality, give him time to learn. Don't expect him to immediately get it or identify with it. Learn a lot yourself. Learn that romantic attraction can get confused with sexual attraction, people can experience one without the other. It's very hard to realize "I never feel X" when you have never felt it; it's like someone realizing they're colorblind in a world where nobody told them it was possible to be colorblind. Educate yourself so you can (1) be sure he is educated, and (2) know what you're potentially facing in a future with him. Don't go forward with marriage without working through this. It is not "just sex"; sex affects you emotionally, that's your orientation, respect yourself. There's a good chance you decide that it's a bad idea to move ahead with marriage -- because he fails to communicate or show empathy, or because it's too hard for you to live with. I hope you can bring the subject up with love and understanding, but I think it absolutely does need to be confronted. Edit to add: another book I'd recommend is "the invisible orientation". Do educate yourself. And you should have some idea about what you're willing to live with, if this is a dealbreaker or if you want to try to find a compromise. You have way less invested in this relationship than I had in mine: it's much easier for both of you to move on, and that might be best. We're happy but it was hard work, and we faced it together. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 1 hour ago, toothtech said: ... mother F'er ... the man I love ... Why call what you feel ‘love’, when the person makes you miserable? Quote ... we are getting married next year. ... Oh dear, I don’t think that’s a very good idea. You sound totally incompatible, both sexually and communication wise. My advice would be to break up immediately. Start dating again and try to find a nice partner with the same sexual needs you have. Link to post Share on other sites
GoneForGood Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 8 minutes ago, Thea2 said: Why call what you feel ‘love’, when the person makes you miserable? Oh dear, I don’t think that’s a very good idea. You sound totally incompatible, both sexually and communication wise. My advice would be to break up immediately. Start dating again and try to find a nice partner with the same sexual needs you have. It is possible to love someone who makes you miserable. Love is what you direct to them and feel about them not what they feel about towards you or how they act towards you. I would say attempt communication again first and then if the communication doesn't approve leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 1 minute ago, MakeLoveNotWar said: It is possible to love someone who makes you miserable. Love is what you direct to them ... Not a clever thing to do to yourself now, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
GoneForGood Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 4 minutes ago, Thea2 said: Not a clever thing to do to yourself now, is it? Feelings don't have thoughts they just are. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 3 minutes ago, MakeLoveNotWar said: Feelings don't have thoughts they just are. I am happy to say that I am able to balance my feelings with some rational thought and keep myself out of damaging relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
GoneForGood Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 2 minutes ago, Thea2 said: I am happy to say that I am able to balance my feelings with some rational thought and keep myself out of damaging relationships. I wish that I had been able to stay out of abusive relationships, I was too damaged by my parents though. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 7 minutes ago, MakeLoveNotWar said: I wish that I had been able to stay out of abusive relationships, I was too damaged by my parents though. I, personally, for me, I decided in my life that there is no point in blaming my parents, that is a dead end trap. I decided it’s my brain and took out the garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 At least cancel any wedding related services you have already scheduled and try to get your money back. Put marriage on hold indefinitely. Right now inertia favors going through with the wedding. Once you cancel the wedding plans inertia will favor not getting married. You will then have as much time as you need to figure out whether you are happy in this relationship and whether marriage is a good idea without the wedding date marching ominously closer. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Agreed with @nanogretchen4: do not let momentum carry you forward into entangling yourself further! Don't schedule a ceremony if you haven't yet. Reschedule or postpone it if you can. Above all, do not do the legal thing -- a marriage contract -- without getting this resolved. Which is going to require better communications, more empathy, and probably some counseling/therapy. If it doesn't resolve, it's almost certainly for the best: this is something that can cause an enormous amount of pain, it doesn't go away. My partner and I wish we'd understood it many years earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 2 hours ago, andreas1033 said: ... Do you know anything about his history before you got together? Good question. Yes, I too think that is relevant here. Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 Hi @SisterHazel It is a very tough situation you are in. We need a proper talk with you fiancé. You are really in distress at the situation and that is very understandable. Pease don't feel you have to go through with the wedding as you are not happy in the relationship as it stands so if you and him can not talk it through beforehand, how will you feel in 5 years, 10 years etc You must be happy in the relationship before you should consider marrying him. Link to post Share on other sites
SisterHazel Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 31 minutes ago, Thea2 said: Good question. Yes, I too think that is relevant here. I know he has had 3 long term relationships I dont know the reason why they ended. I do know that they all ended on good terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 5 minutes ago, SisterHazel said: I know he has had 3 long term relationships I dont know the reason why they ended. I do know that they all ended on good terms. Have you met any of the exes? Hearing their stories would be illuminating. Link to post Share on other sites
SisterHazel Posted December 30, 2018 Author Share Posted December 30, 2018 I have only met one, she was nice and she knows my sister (she works at the daycare my sister uses) and only had nice wonderful things to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobie Posted December 30, 2018 Share Posted December 30, 2018 15 minutes ago, SisterHazel said: I have only met one, she was nice and she knows my sister (she works at the daycare my sister uses) and only had nice wonderful things to say. Arrange to meet again and let her read this thread. Her feedback will be decisive. Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 5 hours ago, SisterHazel said: I dont know how to bring it up any differently. We talk about it and I think he understands my need amd my feelings but then we just slip back. This is where a neutral third party like a counselor or therapist can be really helpful. Agreed with those above who have advised against going forward with a marriage at this point, though, and I frankly doubt counseling will change that. What it will help is facilitate communication so you can be more confident in your final choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Welcome @SisterHazel. Frankly, I believe that it’s never going to get better. This is as good as it will get. You may hit lower lows, and he may step up from time to time to quiet your angst, but frequency will diminish with time and your unhappiness will only grow. If you think it’s hard to make a break now, imagine adding children, a household and years of a shared history and likely you’ll be trapped for decades if not life. Perhaps you could find a compromise down the line, but you know now. Why go in eyes wide open? Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 23 hours ago, SisterHazel said: we are getting married next year Put the breaks on this one. You need to sort out the relationship issues before getting married. Marriage is not a magical cure that will finally fix the relationship. On the contrary, it will preserve and aggravate the problems you've had before. 22 hours ago, SisterHazel said: How do I even go about asking if he is Asexual? Don't. It's just a word. If this word isn't in his vocabulary, don't bother asking about it. Ask him how he feels about sex. Not why he's not having sex with you, but how he feels when having sex, and afterwards. In the present with you, in the past with his exes. What it does or does not do for him. Whether (partnered) sex is something he desires, or at least likes, at all. Whether he feels a connection with his partner when having sex. Strip away the words, get down to the feelings, the emotions. Consider getting professional help for these talks, as suggested by others. And cancel the wedding. Your future happiness is on the line here, make no mistake about that. And don't leave any doubt about it to your partner. If he wants a life-long engagement with you, he needs to do much better in addressing your needs and concerns. Love is not enough. Despite your currently gloomy situation, I do wish you a happier 2019! You can make it. Link to post Share on other sites
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