Staying friends after someone confessed

[charlieschmitt]

Just some background before I get to my problem...

 

Do you ever get that thing when someone tells you they like you and you don't like them, then it gets all awkward? I generally try to be friends but at a certain point in time it feels like I might be leading them on, so I have no idea how close to get to the other person. I care for them as a friend and want them to move on, but perhaps staying close to them isn't helping?

 

Anyway, I'm an asexual female and after guys confess, I still talk to some of them but it's just casual chats so we're not extremely close. The problem now is that a girl confessed to me big time, many times, and we still constantly talk, just that sometimes she gets too close that I'm uncomfortable. I don't know whether it's the fact that she confessed, or just that she's getting way too close, more than any of my other friends, but I realise that everytime I'm around her, I start flinching whenever she comes close. I think it should not make any difference whether it's a guy or a girl who confessed, that I should still treat them as friends, but perhaps the regular girls' friendship and distance is closer than a guy with a girl? I don't want to be unfair to her and purposely keep a distance from her, but I don't know if I'm leading her on. Also, the other point about being asexual, people don't really understand it, and they kind of just treat it as me being single and available forever. It's just getting really uncomfortable and I need help dealing with it.

 

Sorry for the long post. I'm kinda stuck and in need of some advice or other points of view. Thanks in advance!

[Serra]

This can be a super difficult situation, especially if its someone you care about.. Maybe you need to talk to her seriously about this problem? Otherwise your two sides will possibly continue to think differently... it may not end how you'd like... but talking about an issue rather than letting it continue to grow without either of you knowing the truth is not the better choice here.

 

[Chihiro]

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[Philip027]

I've confessed unrequited feelings a few times, but it's never gotten awkward.  These people have always been friends (as a demiromantic, I can't develop feelings any other way) and things just went back to business as usual afterward.  But, I think I'm kind of unusual in that unrequited feelings don't particularly bother me.  I like being able to feel that way for people (to use a cheesy cliche phrase, it's something that makes me feel alive) and I don't really need or expect anything back.

 

I don't really think you're guilty of "leading someone on" if you explicitly said no.  Someone not being able to gracefully accept being let down is their own fault, not yours.

[anisotrophic]

I've been confessed to and confessed.

 

The most important thing is to be very clear about the "no", and in a way that tries to leave no room for hoping the answer will change. You might redo this if you think it wasn't effectively done the first time.

[JaxAlligator]

I am still friends with two people that used to have crush on me. It can work.

[TheGeekyNobody]

You see I've been on the other side of this. I confessed to a really close friend of mine, and we're still good friends, but largely because I respect his feelings, and valued our friendship way too much to push for him to date. He basically said he liked me too but we're long distance and he's had some really bad exepreinces in the past with long distance relationships. I've since moved past those feelings. I think it was also largely easy for me to move on because I was honestly expecting to be totally shot down, but I'd been in such an state while dealing with the feelings that i kinda ended up feeling like if i didnt tell him I'd just implode.

 

I guess it depends on the person, hopefully they will value your freindship enough that even if you don't date they'll remain freinds. 

[Crusty]

I had a really difficult up and down kinda relationship with this guy i was friends with in college. Basically he was head over heels for me and i just thought of him as a friend. A few times he said he couldn't be friends with me anymore but that changed. We did date for a few months but it didn't last. Thankfully he understands me being asexual. Things seem pretty okay now. We hadn't talked for about a year until i went down to the city i went to college to. i found him and we talked for a little. about a week ago, he called me and we talked for a while. i'm planning on going down to hang out with him later this month. So yes, it can work.

 

In your case, you need to sit down and try and explain to her that you aren't interested in her beyond being friends. Maybe showing her an article or something online would help. I know for me, sometimes other people can explain asexuality better than i can. If that fails, then maybe it's best that you spend some time apart? It's not really benefiting either of you if she keeps making you feel uncomfortable. That won't be easy, believe me, I've been there. but it could help. Just start by talking to her and go from there. I hope everything works out.

[Ana Nymus]

That's a really difficult situation to be in. I've experienced similar things (also from both male and female friends), and I think the outcome tends to depend on the clarity of communication and the maturity level of the people involved. In high school, two of my friends confessed that they had a crush on me and wanted to ask me out (not at the same time, fortunately). Admittedly, for the first friend I didn't handle it very well: I panicked and didn't give him an answer for over a week. However, when I finally did, I tried to tell him in no uncertain terms that I saw him as a friend, not a romantic partner. We became distant for about a year, but I think that was for the best. He found a girlfriend who did reciprocate his feelings, and I figured out myself better, and we were able to reconnect as friends afterwards. To this day, we still have a strong, lasting friendship. The second time a friend asked me out in high school, I knew to be much more direct and upfront, and she was similarly understanding. It was awkward for a few months, but again once she had had time to move on and pursue other crushes/relationships, we were able to rekindle our friendship. It's another of my few lasting friendships from high school!

 

Unfortunately, this outcome does rely on a certain degree of emotional maturity from all people involved. In middle school, a long-time friend made no secrets of his crush on me, and while I tried to tell him that I just wanted to be friends with him, he didn't really listen. He continued to try and get me to be his girlfriend, and eventually it became unbearable to spend time with him. I'm sure I could have handled things better as well, but his unwillingness to take no for an answer ultimately ended our friendship.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's absolutely possible to stay friends with someone after a confession, but it's not a guarantee. What you can do is be honest about your feelings, and respect your own right to comfort in any sort of relationship (friendship, romantic, or otherwise). You may want to talk with her to try and arrange some time apart in order for you both to examine your feelings and move on from the confession (if you're still in school, summer break is good for this). In the end, though, you can only meet her halfway in terms of moving on from this confession. 

[Tasha the demi squirrel]

One way to think of it is if things were reversed how would you feel? I tend to worry about confessing romantic feelings because I don't want to lose the friendship (I fluctuate between Aromantic and Demiromantic so it's always a friend or acquaintance at the least) but I'm happy to say it is possible to stay friends

 

1 guy who said we could remain friends ended up uncomfortable and instead of talking to me about it just backed off which hurt as I'd have rathered he talk to me about it instead of finding out through someone else but a guy I recently-ish confessed feelings for was not only really nice when turning me down but has stayed good friends with me which is much better

 

The best advice I can give is to talk to her about how you are feeling......she may not even realise herself getting too close (just like I didn't realise that hugs were making a guy I liked uncomfortable) so by talking about it she can reasure you that you're not leading her on and you can explain how you want the friendship to work