Jump to content
(Creative name)

What do you think when people say "People can't be friends with the opposite sex"?

Recommended Posts

Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, CBC said:

What even is "American dating culture", actually. I haven't the foggiest.

That stuff involving rules about putting out by the third date and stuff. I have no idea beyond that, and it might even be mythical in the US, but it crops up on telly and AVEN quite often. So again, might be mythical.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

@Serran Same as your wife. I've no idea why I'd go on a date with someone I didn't already feel attracted to, either in that we'd been friends for a while or that we met somehow and felt a connection and decided to go on a date. 

 

What even is "American dating culture", actually. I haven't the foggiest.

What my wife finds weird is stuff like strangers walking up and asking me out that I have never met before. Or dating someone I didn't know and them being considered slow and respectful for only kissing after the third date, not trying before. And the whole "sex by third date or they arent into you" idea some people push. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

That stuff involving rules about putting out by the third date and stuff. I have no idea beyond that, and it might even be mythical in the US, but it crops up on telly and AVEN quite often. So again, might be mythical.

Its a cosmo type rule. So, not taken super seriously by adults but tends to come up occasionally... and most people I know like sex by first to third date, or they feel like time is being wasted. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, Serran said:

What my wife finds weird is stuff like strangers walking up and asking me out that I have never met before. Or dating someone I didn't know and them being considered slow and respectful for only kissing after the third date, not trying before. And the whole "sex by third date or they arent into you" idea some people push. 

That's because it is weird.

 

My only query would be the only kissing after the third date stuff - Brit etiquette is that kissing can happen on a first date, but only if you're both absolutely wrecked.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
5 minutes ago, Serran said:

most people I know like sex by first to third date, or they feel like time is being wasted. 

Wasted in the sense of 'enjoying the company of someone'? Odd. I mean, I'm awfully keen on sex but all these strictures seem a bit like visiting Florence with an itinerary that means you're all done and back on the bus in three hours....

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Ahhh gotcha.

 

Some guy asked me out on the bus once. I was 19, he told me he was 25. Gave me his number on a scrap of paper and said we should go to dinner. Like... huh?? You told me your job and your name and gave me a way to contact you. I'm sorry, am I supposed to be trying to contain my lust here or something now?

 

The rules shit baffles me from any aspect. "Activity X by date number X" is just as strange as "Wait for marriage to have sex". It's all weird, do whatever the hell you want, from banging a stranger after a chance encounter at the LCBO (oddly specific Ontario-based reference) to dying a virgin. And mind your own damn business whilst you're doing it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Snaonderneath a Mistlecone

I never wanted to date anyone I got to know well first, but that's probably because I never wanted to actually date people. :P I thought if I found people who were completely outside my social circle, it would be less of a disaster to date them. Yes, I was expecting all of my relationships to be disasters, because I knew I would be unhappy in one that worked. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serran
13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wasted in the sense of 'enjoying the company of someone'? Odd. I mean, I'm awfully keen on sex but all these strictures seem a bit like visiting Florence with an itinerary that means you're all done and back on the bus in three hours....

Wasted in the sense of was fun, but doesnt seem to be going anywhere... or seems like being strung along for free dinners without pay off, etc. 

 

Like people I know will say unless we are engaged by X, we should break up. Or after Y we should be living together. There are goals to meet along the way or else it is deemed not worth the time waiting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC
2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

because I knew I would be unhappy in one that worked. 

If you're unhappy though... how does that constitute "working"? :P 

 

That aside though, sounds kind of like the people who need constant relationship drama or they get bored. (Not saying that's your deal.)

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Snaonderneath a Mistlecone
4 minutes ago, CBC said:

If you're unhappy though... how does that constitute "working"? :P 

The same way people stay together "for the kids" - if it makes things look functional, it must be "working". :rolleyes:

 

6 minutes ago, CBC said:

That aside though, sounds kind of like the people who need constant relationship drama or they get bored. (Not saying that's your deal.)

I figured relationship drama would make me seem more interesting. I watched too much television, clearly. It wasn't at all compatible with my actual wants, values, or emotional state. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
General
18 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Personally, I think this issue has a LOT more to do with people struggling with developing romantic feelings than with sexual feelings. Which means it's about romantic people, not sexual people.

If allos are claiming that they can't separate romantic and sexual attraction, then how is it a romantic issue?  It would have to be a sexual issue.  Most of them aren't running off to cheat on their partners strictly for the romance.  No one would have to take a paternity test to find out who the baby's father is if it were only about romance.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
44 minutes ago, CBC said:

What even is "American dating culture", actually. I haven't the foggiest.

I guess that’s my confusion as well because while I’ve lived all my life here my own experiences are more similar to what tele describes.  People paid a lot of attention to things like “not calling too soon afterwards and looking desperate” when I was much younger but that seemed like teen self-esteem stuff and not like a lasting culture.

 

Even the (many) people I know who use dating apps (not things like Tinder and Grindr which were first and foremost hookup apps) still talk and get to know each other some before they go out...  the only real difference (sort of like going to singles events?) is that you know upfront both people are definitely, intentionally “on the market”?

 

I must be missing something.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LauraGarnham

I think its nonsense. I have had both girls and boys who have been my friends, just friends and nothing more, without me having to set any limits or anything. It is not as if everyone who could be attracted to you will be attracted to you...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
37 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That stuff involving rules about putting out by the third date and stuff. I have no idea beyond that, and it might even be mythical in the US, but it crops up on telly and AVEN quite often. So again, might be mythical.

I think there’s sometimes an expectation that someone who’s dating will eventually have sex as part of that but the “three dates” stuff that magazines like Cosmo push is mostly... just Cosmo.  It’s like makeup and fashion mags... they want you to feel a little uneasy/bad about yourself so you’ll keep coming to them for guidance.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
4 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

 People paid a lot of attention to things like “not calling too soon afterwards and looking desperate” when I was much younger but that seemed

like teen self-esteem stuff and not like a lasting culture.

As someone back on the market in middle age, yep, those seem to be teenage things. My age group make no bones and take no offence at the 'sorry, but no' and 'yep, actually, let's move this along'. Life at this point is quite literally too short.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
18 minutes ago, Serran said:

Like people I know will say unless we are engaged by X, we should break up. Or after Y we should be living together. There are goals to meet along the way or else it is deemed not worth the time waiting.

I’ve only seen this in real life in people whose real goal is having kids by x age.  They set the Kid Date and then back into a relationship project plan.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I've heard people in some of my previous workplaces talking about Snapchat etc and mentioning 'relationship goals '...seems to be a thing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Snaonderneath a Mistlecone
16 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

If allos are claiming that they can't separate romantic and sexual attraction, then how is it a romantic issue?  It would have to be a sexual issue.  Most of them aren't running off to cheat on their partners strictly for the romance.  No one would have to take a paternity test to find out who the baby's father is if it were only about romance.

If it's not about romance, then why would people be broken hearted over sexual infidelity? Why would people's feelings get hurt if they're rejected? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
41 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wasted in the sense of 'enjoying the company of someone'?

This is more of the kind of thing I’ve seen most often on the Baby Agenda... people have a sense that it they are not X by Y age they are failures.   There is a lot of general pressure in the US (not on everyone, from everyone, but it’s not rare) to get and stay on the Appropriate Life Path... and that means degree by age X, good job before Y, kids before Z, and so on.  Some of that requires a partner, and people who subscribe to that mindset feel like time is running out.

 

It’s not so much dating culture as it is “successful adulting” culture.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I've heard people in some of my previous workplaces talking about Snapchat etc and mentioning 'relationship goals '...seems to be a thing.

Relationship goals seems completely bizarre concept to me. The only goal really is to not fuck up the relationship or either of the participants.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
4 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I've heard people in some of my previous workplaces talking about Snapchat etc and mentioning 'relationship goals '...seems to be a thing.

Lots of people love a meme...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

It’s not so much dating culture as it is “successful adulting” culture.

They have a very different concept of successful adulting to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Relationship goals seems completely bizarre concept to me. The only goal really is to not fuck up the relationship or either of the participants.

#relationshipgoals is the cutesy, often tongue-in-cheek meme/term for “this couple is doing something adorable” or “this person has a good partner” or (less nicely) “this person has their partner right where I want mine.”

 

It’s not usually actual relationship goals in a big, formal way...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

(kind of like #careergoals applied to a picture of a person sampling beers)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

I usually think "relationship goals" is people (often younger people) gushing over what they perceive to be an ideal. Like a photo of a couple of celebrities who are dating and being all cutesy or something.

 

I dunno, not a phrase I use. I'm too old. In spirit at least haha.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
Just now, ryn2 said:

#relationshipgoals is the cutesy, often tongue-in-cheek meme/term for “this couple is doing something adorable” or “this person has a good partner” or (less nicely) “this person has their partner right where I want mine.”

 

It’s not usually actual relationship goals in a big, formal way...

Fair enough. I don't stick around long enough when it crops up to find out what it means. It's bad enough having annual targets at work, let alone in a relationship.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
CBC

Orrrrr... what ryn said as I was posting, yeah. :P 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They have a very different concept of successful adulting to me.

It’s usually the concept their parents had for them, exascerbated by companies who want to sell them ways to fix themselves.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 minute ago, CBC said:

 

I usually think "relationship goals" is people (often younger people) gushing over what they perceive to be an ideal. Like a photo of a couple of celebrities who are dating and being all cutesy or something.

 

Yes.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, CBC said:

a photo of a couple of celebrities who are dating and being all cutesy or something.

*vom*

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...