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What do you think when people say "People can't be friends with the opposite sex"?

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bookwormgirl

My mother would say when I was young that it's dangerous to be friends with the opposite sex, especially if you or they have a significant other. 

 

I didn't get it then. I don't get it now. 

 

For whatever reason, I tend to end up better friends with men than other women. And I would expect any potential partner to realize that I know the difference in my own feelings as to whether or not I am romantically attracted to another guy. (In which case, yes, I would have the common sense to put space there if I was already seeing someone).

 

I've been regularly texting a male friend of mine lately. He knows I'm ace. I know he's heterosexual. He also has a girlfriend. It doesn't freaking matter what other people think. We both know where we stand. 

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caLIBRAtor

Yeah, I don't really get that. It's just a heteronormative thing people say i guess. People think that since ''everyone is straight'' they can't be friends with each other without developing some deep serious romantic feeling even though that is not the case. 

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Telecaster68
Just now, caLIBRAtor said:

People think that since ''everyone is straight'' they can't be friends with each other without developing some deep serious romantic feeling even though that is not the case. 

Most heterosexuals can be friends with the other sex too.

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Firefly8

I think whoever says this has seen When Harry Met Sally too many times and should try to not project their movie quotes onto everyone else. I'd also feel sorry for that person's friendship limitations and egocentric frame of mind. 

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Telecaster68
8 minutes ago, Firefly8 said:

seen When Harry Met Sally too many times

Sorry, I don't understand the concept of seeing that film too many times... 

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3Xi3X

See, growing up I was that guy who chose to walk with literally a mob of girls around me. I was just talking to them and validating them and being real with them and we were always deep in conversation and interested in the topic. Guys hated me or treated me like I was “not normal”.

 

It wasn’t until high school when I spoke to anyone and everyone freely. I became known as that one guy who could sit at any time and was welcome. Even with all the “cliques” I was the exception haha. I always had at least one or two friends that would vouch for me and then everyone else would shut up and I just continued to do that for four years. 

 

Now as an adult I have more guy friends than ever before but still.

 

So long story short, f*** that. Talk to who ever you want. Be friends with whomever you want. Be yourself.

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Firefly8
1 hour ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sorry, I don't understand the concept of seeing that film too many times... 

😂 Fair enough. I didn't care for it.

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will123

I can't recall having being told this. I do know that in my 20s I hung out with and did a lot of outdoorsy stuff with a female friend.

 

Of course this lead to the "Anna is your girlfriend and you're sleeping with/banging/(fill in the blank) her eh? "She's a friend who is a girl and I'm not (fill in the blank) her!"

 

As much as I tried to deny it nobody would believe me.

 

 

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WoodwindWhistler
On 7/21/2019 at 9:17 AM, Nylocke said:

Really ...??? How many anime conventions have you attended again???

 

In my personal experience I find that the fanboys and the fangirls of anime tend to be on the younger side especially the ones that get into it in their teens. It is possible to outgrow that phase as one gets older though and to also develop a genuine appreciation for anime as an art style, a medium of entertainment and whatever else anime might mean to them. Though there are some that never outgrow this phase and that's just some people. Remember, everyone is different.

Uh . . . *counts on fingers* Four? Five? And a couple of those I've been to 2 or 3 times. I don't make a habit of making assumptions about people based on their age. (Although I have seen actual academic papers doing some other data gathering on con goers) Are you claiming that males have more 'sticking power' than females, per the original question at hand? :/ Which was: is there an imbalance of males and females. I think it's more likely that it's now acceptable for females to be into nerdy stuff, therefore they may skew younger. And how old are you and your friends, exactly? Older than twenties? 

 

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WoodwindWhistler
On 7/25/2019 at 1:19 PM, bookwormgirl said:

My mother would say when I was young that it's dangerous to be friends with the opposite sex, especially if you or they have a significant other. 

 

I didn't get it then. I don't get it now. 

 

For whatever reason, I tend to end up better friends with men than other women. And I would expect any potential partner to realize that I know the difference in my own feelings as to whether or not I am romantically attracted to another guy. (In which case, yes, I would have the common sense to put space there if I was already seeing someone).

 

I've been regularly texting a male friend of mine lately. He knows I'm ace. I know he's heterosexual. He also has a girlfriend. It doesn't freaking matter what other people think. We both know where we stand. 

The only way it would be 'dangerous' is if someone had no emotional awareness of their own feelings. If you start to develop feelings for another person when you have an S.O., that's not some doomsday death sentence that you have to cheat . . . it's just a signal to pull back. I'm pretty sure even allos don't just suddenly get hit by the "let's f*** now" bug generally. I mean maybe it's that way for some. But to force that advice on everyone else because some people can't handle it is like saying NON ONE can drink alcohol or smoke marijuana because A FEW people are alcoholics or total worthless stoners. 
 

 

On 7/25/2019 at 1:24 PM, caLIBRAtor said:

Yeah, I don't really get that. It's just a heteronormative thing people say i guess. People think that since ''everyone is straight'' they can't be friends with each other without developing some deep serious romantic feeling even though that is not the case. 

And then there's the old standby . . . 'what would that mean for bisexuals? They can't be friends with anybody?'

 

On 7/25/2019 at 3:42 PM, 3Xi3X said:

See, growing up I was that guy who chose to walk with literally a mob of girls around me. I was just talking to them and validating them and being real with them and we were always deep in conversation and interested in the topic. Guys hated me or treated me like I was “not normal”.

It's funny because my current boyfriend and a sort-of-QPR I had both are both this way. XD But I prefer the company of men . . . Said QPR had a pretty insecure, jealous and clingy girlfriend and he tried to make it work, but she just could not get used to the fact that he was platonically invested in girls.

 

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AuraChicken

To answer the original question I think, no just shut up.

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Nylocke
12 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Uh . . . *counts on fingers* Four? Five? And a couple of those I've been to 2 or 3 times. I don't make a habit of making assumptions about people based on their age. (Although I have seen actual academic papers doing some other data gathering on con goers) Are you claiming that males have more 'sticking power' than females, per the original question at hand? :/ Which was: is there an imbalance of males and females. I think it's more likely that it's now acceptable for females to be into nerdy stuff, therefore they may skew younger. And how old are you and your friends, exactly? Older than twenties?

 

As far as I know I hear there are more females into anime then men these days. I don't know what you mean by "sticking power". Still in my 20s but generally the early 20s is where the "fangirl/fanboy" deal starts to taper off.

 

12 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

The only way it would be 'dangerous' is if someone had no emotional awareness of their own feelings. If you start to develop feelings for another person when you have an S.O., that's not some doomsday death sentence that you have to cheat . . . it's just a signal to pull back. I'm pretty sure even allos don't just suddenly get hit by the "let's f*** now" bug generally. I mean maybe it's that way for some. But to force that advice on everyone else because some people can't handle it is like saying NON ONE can drink alcohol or smoke marijuana because A FEW people are alcoholics or total worthless stoners.

 

My mom has also mentioned this "not being friends with someone in a relationship" deal due to the same kinda issues. She literally stated that people in relationships usually wanna only hang out with other people in relationships because its easier for them. I can't say I relate exactly because meeting people of any type single or not is not so easy for me but I guess people will do what they're gonna do.

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rawersace

i think it’s so stupid honestly but i’ve had some guy friends that just claim that it’s impossible and try to get at me a lot and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

i really enjoy talking to guys just cause they’re funny and cool or whatever and i’ve always dreamed about having a strictly platonic friendship with a guy but it’s so hard to find.

 

but yea dood i think it’s BONKERS for heteros  to think men and women can’t be friends like shii r y’all that unable to keep it in ur pants?? buncha loonies.

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WoodwindWhistler
On 7/29/2019 at 11:23 AM, rawersace said:

i think it’s so stupid honestly but i’ve had some guy friends that just claim that it’s impossible and try to get at me a lot and it makes me uncomfortable.

 

i really enjoy talking to guys just cause they’re funny and cool or whatever and i’ve always dreamed about having a strictly platonic friendship with a guy but it’s so hard to find.

 

but yea dood i think it’s BONKERS for heteros  to think men and women can’t be friends like shii r y’all that unable to keep it in ur pants?? buncha loonies.

Horn dogs. 

If you want a strictly platonic relationship with a guy (really? You never have?) then try an app like Yubo that's more geared toward friendship than its dating aspects. Or go on Acebook! Meet Mindful is one that I've been meaning to browse, too. 

I don't think this attitude is as prevalent in like, churches and stuff where sexuality isn't so much of a capital-I identity. Hardly any still have the old conservative idea that men and women should be de-facto segregated. There are some that have "Billy's Rule" which is basically no two people of the opposite gender should be completely alone together, but that still leaves meeting in public, mixed groups of three and whatnot. 

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CBC
On 7/29/2019 at 11:23 AM, rawersace said:

but yea dood i think it’s BONKERS for heteros  to think men and women can’t be friends like shii r y’all that unable to keep it in ur pants?? buncha loonies.

Not to go all "not all men" here or anything, but there are definitely loads of heterosexual people (yes, even hetero guys) who don't think it's impossible. I know lots of them, I've been friends with straight guys. Also lots of people are capable of keeping it platonic even if attraction exists. Done it myself with both guys and women. (Yes I'm aware I identify as gay, that's because I much prefer relationships with women, really only experience the love/sex connection with women, and would only want a long-term partner who was female, but I can feel a sexual draw towards guys sometimes.) If it's not gonna go anywhere, keep it platonic and interact as friends. It's not really that difficult. People can even acknowledge attraction without having to do anything about it (perhaps more difficult if you've actually fallen in love with someone though, as opposed to just having casually flirty-type feelings or whatever). And 99% of people I meet of any gender, I'm not attracted to in that way anyway -- even if I like them -- so no problem.

 

I know there are some people who think otherwise, but they tend not to be super mature.

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rawersace
2 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Horn dogs. 

If you want a strictly platonic relationship with a guy (really? You never have?) then try an app like Yubo that's more geared toward friendship than its dating aspects. Or go on Acebook! Meet Mindful is one that I've been meaning to browse, too. 

I don't think this attitude is as prevalent in like, churches and stuff where sexuality isn't so much of a capital-I identity. Hardly any still have the old conservative idea that men and women should be de-facto segregated. There are some that have "Billy's Rule" which is basically no two people of the opposite gender should be completely alone together, but that still leaves meeting in public, mixed groups of three and whatnot. 

thank u for this i’ll def try Yubo and Acebook!! i’ve never heard of the two so thank u :)

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nutterwithasolderingiron

short answer? "bollocks" 

longer answer? i find it more of a telling sign when people cant see someone of the opposite sex as a friend. to me it shows a horrible attitude that i avoid at all costs. usually these are the same people who think the friendzone exists and thinks incels speak 100% truth

 

honestly, there is an animated series i really love called people watching and i think they do a better job describing the whole think in 7 mins than i ever could

 

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bangyougotme

I only had issues with this when I was younger. It was normally men who I was close with who would develop feelings for me. I would tell them “I am asexual, no thank you.” And they would use this line. I always thought it was a very manipulative move.

 

Not to make anyone super uncomfortable, but I think friendzone culture is rape culture. It is people feeling entitled to other people. 

 

Summarized feelings: Very uncool

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bangyougotme
1 hour ago, nutterwithasolderingiron said:

 

 

honestly, there is an animated series i really love called people watching and i think they do a better job describing the whole think in 7 mins than i ever could

 

This video is so cute. Goals though.

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nutterwithasolderingiron
4 minutes ago, bangyougotme said:

This video is so cute. Goals though.

oh defo. you should watch the 2 seasons. it's great. 

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will123

There's seven minutes I'll never get back...

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Xue

I have that issue all my life. 

Most of my friends are boys. I was a bit of a tomboy growing up too and I do feel slightly more in tune with guys than girls (you'll never catch me talking about makeup or boys *rolls eyes*) though I've met some really good girl friends over the years. 

 

When it came to boundaries, I have trouble determining what can or can't be done. 

My mom's very conservative. She just can't understand why I run around with boys a lot or talk openly with them. 

I'm too close physically with them, she puts it. 

 

I honestly don't think so but then I just treat them as how I would with my girl friends. Sometimes it backfires. Sends guys the wrong signals.

Then the friend zone and awkward silences happen.

Ugh.

 

Honestly, I'll like to think it's possible for guys and girls to be friends without any expectations. 

When you meet someone new especially, it's just so difficult to send that message across. 

 

 

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Mango92

This is a bit true for me. All of my straight male friends in the past have asked me out. All of them. I currently only have 1 straight male friend (and he's asked me out multiple times before in the past), and that's it lol. I kinda do think as a woman it can be hard to just be platonic friends with a straight male. Not impossible though, but it's been my experience that it's extremely hard. 

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twetzel59
Posted (edited)

To answer the original question...

 

As far as I'm concerned, it's some BS that was invented to enforce heternormativitiy.

 

I treat everyone the same. Gender is like, the last thing on the list of things that make me associate with someone. I just associate with the people I like, which, incidentally, is mostly girls because boys my age that aren't ace are usually jerks, let's be honest.

Edited by twetzel59
typo
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Philip027
Quote

This is a bit true for me. All of my straight male friends in the past have asked me out. All of them. I currently only have 1 straight male friend (and he's asked me out multiple times before in the past), and that's it lol. I kinda do think as a woman it can be hard to just be platonic friends with a straight male. Not impossible though, but it's been my experience that it's extremely hard. 

Out of curiosity, why are being asked out by someone and being friends with someone mutually exclusive to you?

 

The only people I've ever confessed a crush to were friends (kinda has to be that way for me, as a demiromantic).  Not all of them have reciprocated, and that was fine; life goes on.  It didn't mean we weren't friends anymore.

 

I guess it's true that once someone views someone else as a romantic interest but they aren't interested back in the same way, it's typically difficult for them to remain friends with that other person, but I've never understood why.  I feel like I don't get "crushed" by crushes as much as most other people do, which has had me questioning before if they even were crushes.  Mehhh

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ElasticPlanet
On 8/6/2019 at 3:58 AM, twetzel59 said:

it's some BS that was invented to enforce heternormativitiy.

I expect you're right that's how it came about... I just find it mindboggling that anyone thought it would actually 'work' and achieve their desired goal. I mean, as someone who used to identify as male and straight (because nobody actually explained properly what binary gender or sexual attraction were, so how was I even supposed to know that I had neither) I resented feeling trapped in an entirely male social circle. And not just because I didn't want to be male! How was I supposed to get to properly know any of the non-male people who I might be (romantically) attracted to?

 

Even if they assumed everyone was straight, how is isolating people from potential partners supposed to help the creation of more straight relationships?

 

This kind of system seems to privilege the men with the most social confidence and the most conventional relationship needs/wants, who might somehow be able to end up in a viable relationship after some finite number of dates with women who they knew basically nothing about beforehand. 🙄

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twetzel59
5 hours ago, ElasticPlanet said:

This kind of system seems to privilege the men with the most social confidence and the most conventional relationship needs/wants, who might somehow be able to end up in a viable relationship after some finite number of dates with women who they knew basically nothing about beforehand. 🙄

Sure enough, that seems to be the preference of society, unfortunately. Our social structure always expects that men will initiate any romantic relationship, prefer male company, feel secure in their gender, and experience primary sexual attraction to women.

 

Hence the reason why I don't really like to think of myself as a conventional male...

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will123

I sometimes wonder the ease in which wives girlfriends of my buddies felt in talking with me is was that I wasn't 'threatening'? Or maybe since I never had a girlfriend they thought (possibly correctly) that I wasn't interested in females?

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Acing It
On 7/25/2019 at 6:19 PM, bookwormgirl said:

We both know where we stand.

Does his girlfriend? That's where things usually get difficult or go wrong, especially at times when their relationship is under strain, which invariably happen at some point.

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bookwormgirl
1 hour ago, Acing It said:

Does his girlfriend?

Without giving away too much of my personal life, she doesn't know I'm asexual (screw that, I had a hard enough time telling him), but the way things stand at the moment I actually see her in person more often than I see him, and she's been completely civil and friendly with me. If it ever came up I'd tell her flat out myself that I don't see him that way and I never have.

 

Believe me, I see the problem. Another one of my male friends is married, and I make am effort to stay in touch with his wife as well (whom I like but don't know as well). Probably unnecessary in her case, but I feel better showing that I'm not trying to sneak around with him behind her back.

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