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What do you think when people say "People can't be friends with the opposite sex"?


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3 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

Anyone mind if I throw a spanner in the works and ask another question in relation to this, do you tell your friends that you love them if you do, regardless of gender?

German offers expressions to get that point across in a non-romantic sense. And yes, I use it where I deem it appropriate.

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53 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Is this another geography thing, maybe linked to the way gender roles seem a lot more rigid in the US than Europe? Or maybe somehow linked with the whole dating culture thing, which also seems alien - if you see the opposite gender as dating fodder, being friends is going to seem odd, I guess. Or maybe it's me in my pleasant middle class bubble...

 

I've always had male and female friends, and it's always been common in my friend group. If they start spending a lot of time alone together in a pair, then maybe there simply is more developing.

The belief may be cultural/geography-based.  In practice, plenty of people have opposite-sex friends in the US without anything developing.

 

I keep hearing people say US dating culture is weird.  While that may be true, I’m a little puzzled (genuinely, not in a snarky way) because I guess I don’t know what our “dating culture” is that’s so different than other places (at least places that don’t arrange marriages).  I have friends all over the world and their dating stories seem similar... and the dating apps in use seem to be the same.

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Oh, I should add that @Homer frequently says it. Europeans, amirite?? :P

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2 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Oh, I should add that @Homer frequently says it. Europeans, amirite?? :P

What's worse: I also mean it. I guess I ate one too many gay frogs for lunch :D

 

Seriously though - re: original question: I think they're wrong. Simple as that.

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MysteryAuthor

I think anyone can be friends, regardless of gender. That whole "men and women can't be friends" thing is ridiculous to me. I see people as people, not their gender or sexual orientation, and I certainly believe that any two people can be very close without sexual attraction or desire entering into it.  I've had male friends, and honestly, without sexual attraction on either side, and as a woman with lesbian friends, I feel I can be close to those friends without sexuality entering into the relationship as well. 

 

The whole issue arises from expectations put on us by the media, society, religion, etc. But those are constructs, not what is necessarily honest and true in actually experiencing life. 

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Duke Memphis

If I befriend women, I hope they don't stab me in the back. I may be romantically inclined to women, but I don't expect my friendships with women to turn romantic for the most part. I know the value of a great friendship and platonic love.

 

No matter who someone is, I just don't want anyone to stab me in the back.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Nah, just folk who are sparing with such serious emotions.

I fear there are too many gushing insincere 'love you's ...they kinda tend to be said by the same types that say 'awesome', 'adorable' and the like.

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I think there’s a difference between things like “love ya,” “OMG I love you!!!” (as a form of “thank you”), etc., and a one-to-one “I love you” as a confession of deep feelings (romantic, especially, but also familial and potentially platonic).  It’s the latter where things can get awkward if misinterpreted.

 

I might tell one friend “I love [other friend]; I don’t know what I would do without them!” but I probably wouldn’t sit down 1:1 with [other friend] and tell them I love them.

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My children are told how much they’re loved often which comes naturally, but rarely do I say it to my husband. On the other hand, my lover is convinced that I’m in high school.  Apparently, being transparent, and without inhibitions makes one seem younger?  Whatever is fine by me, as long as he knows how I feel.  

 

Oddly, given English is his second language, I really like to tell him in his own language.  I like it about as much as I enjoy cursing, ordering dinner, asking for certain physical acts or pondering deep thoughts in the phrases he’s taught me. Simply put, it’s just enjoyable to feel like I’m communicating in a more meaningful way with him. It’s all in my head of course, but meh. He has no idea what I’m saying sometimes, but I’ll throw in a few dirty words to right the ship...

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8 hours ago, ryn2 said:

The belief may be cultural/geography-based.  In practice, plenty of people have opposite-sex friends in the US without anything developing.

 

I keep hearing people say US dating culture is weird.  While that may be true, I’m a little puzzled (genuinely, not in a snarky way) because I guess I don’t know what our “dating culture” is that’s so different than other places (at least places that don’t arrange marriages).  I have friends all over the world and their dating stories seem similar... and the dating apps in use seem to be the same.

My wife is from the UK and she finds the idea of dating a person you arent friends with first odd. She also finds any sort of should do this or that by X date idea weird (like the 3rd date rule cosmo and tv shows push). 

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Tinder and Match etc. have brought the whole dating thing over here (the UK) to a bit, but basically, yep - UK dating protocol involves taking a shine to someone you meet socially, talking to them more and more over a period of (probably) weeks, possibly a few transparent excuses to meet up without other people, and then an embarrassed alcohol-fuelled pass. 

 

That's how we do it, and that's how we like it.

I think thats why 3 out of 5 of my partners have been British...

 

I dont like dating strangers. I tried it and it is just weird, awkward and all kinds of not working for me. Kissing someone after hanging out only three times?!?!?!? Omg just cant do it. 

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2 minutes ago, CBC said:

@Serran Same as your wife. I've no idea why I'd go on a date with someone I didn't already feel attracted to, either in that we'd been friends for a while or that we met somehow and felt a connection and decided to go on a date. 

 

What even is "American dating culture", actually. I haven't the foggiest.

What my wife finds weird is stuff like strangers walking up and asking me out that I have never met before. Or dating someone I didn't know and them being considered slow and respectful for only kissing after the third date, not trying before. And the whole "sex by third date or they arent into you" idea some people push. 

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

That stuff involving rules about putting out by the third date and stuff. I have no idea beyond that, and it might even be mythical in the US, but it crops up on telly and AVEN quite often. So again, might be mythical.

Its a cosmo type rule. So, not taken super seriously by adults but tends to come up occasionally... and most people I know like sex by first to third date, or they feel like time is being wasted. 

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I never wanted to date anyone I got to know well first, but that's probably because I never wanted to actually date people. :P I thought if I found people who were completely outside my social circle, it would be less of a disaster to date them. Yes, I was expecting all of my relationships to be disasters, because I knew I would be unhappy in one that worked. 

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13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wasted in the sense of 'enjoying the company of someone'? Odd. I mean, I'm awfully keen on sex but all these strictures seem a bit like visiting Florence with an itinerary that means you're all done and back on the bus in three hours....

Wasted in the sense of was fun, but doesnt seem to be going anywhere... or seems like being strung along for free dinners without pay off, etc. 

 

Like people I know will say unless we are engaged by X, we should break up. Or after Y we should be living together. There are goals to meet along the way or else it is deemed not worth the time waiting.

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4 minutes ago, CBC said:

If you're unhappy though... how does that constitute "working"? :P 

The same way people stay together "for the kids" - if it makes things look functional, it must be "working". :rolleyes:

 

6 minutes ago, CBC said:

That aside though, sounds kind of like the people who need constant relationship drama or they get bored. (Not saying that's your deal.)

I figured relationship drama would make me seem more interesting. I watched too much television, clearly. It wasn't at all compatible with my actual wants, values, or emotional state. 

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18 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Personally, I think this issue has a LOT more to do with people struggling with developing romantic feelings than with sexual feelings. Which means it's about romantic people, not sexual people.

If allos are claiming that they can't separate romantic and sexual attraction, then how is it a romantic issue?  It would have to be a sexual issue.  Most of them aren't running off to cheat on their partners strictly for the romance.  No one would have to take a paternity test to find out who the baby's father is if it were only about romance.

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44 minutes ago, CBC said:

What even is "American dating culture", actually. I haven't the foggiest.

I guess that’s my confusion as well because while I’ve lived all my life here my own experiences are more similar to what tele describes.  People paid a lot of attention to things like “not calling too soon afterwards and looking desperate” when I was much younger but that seemed like teen self-esteem stuff and not like a lasting culture.

 

Even the (many) people I know who use dating apps (not things like Tinder and Grindr which were first and foremost hookup apps) still talk and get to know each other some before they go out...  the only real difference (sort of like going to singles events?) is that you know upfront both people are definitely, intentionally “on the market”?

 

I must be missing something.

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LauraGarnham

I think its nonsense. I have had both girls and boys who have been my friends, just friends and nothing more, without me having to set any limits or anything. It is not as if everyone who could be attracted to you will be attracted to you...

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37 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That stuff involving rules about putting out by the third date and stuff. I have no idea beyond that, and it might even be mythical in the US, but it crops up on telly and AVEN quite often. So again, might be mythical.

I think there’s sometimes an expectation that someone who’s dating will eventually have sex as part of that but the “three dates” stuff that magazines like Cosmo push is mostly... just Cosmo.  It’s like makeup and fashion mags... they want you to feel a little uneasy/bad about yourself so you’ll keep coming to them for guidance.

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18 minutes ago, Serran said:

Like people I know will say unless we are engaged by X, we should break up. Or after Y we should be living together. There are goals to meet along the way or else it is deemed not worth the time waiting.

I’ve only seen this in real life in people whose real goal is having kids by x age.  They set the Kid Date and then back into a relationship project plan.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I've heard people in some of my previous workplaces talking about Snapchat etc and mentioning 'relationship goals '...seems to be a thing.

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16 minutes ago, AceOfHearts_85 said:

If allos are claiming that they can't separate romantic and sexual attraction, then how is it a romantic issue?  It would have to be a sexual issue.  Most of them aren't running off to cheat on their partners strictly for the romance.  No one would have to take a paternity test to find out who the baby's father is if it were only about romance.

If it's not about romance, then why would people be broken hearted over sexual infidelity? Why would people's feelings get hurt if they're rejected? 

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41 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Wasted in the sense of 'enjoying the company of someone'?

This is more of the kind of thing I’ve seen most often on the Baby Agenda... people have a sense that it they are not X by Y age they are failures.   There is a lot of general pressure in the US (not on everyone, from everyone, but it’s not rare) to get and stay on the Appropriate Life Path... and that means degree by age X, good job before Y, kids before Z, and so on.  Some of that requires a partner, and people who subscribe to that mindset feel like time is running out.

 

It’s not so much dating culture as it is “successful adulting” culture.

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4 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I've heard people in some of my previous workplaces talking about Snapchat etc and mentioning 'relationship goals '...seems to be a thing.

Lots of people love a meme...

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Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Relationship goals seems completely bizarre concept to me. The only goal really is to not fuck up the relationship or either of the participants.

#relationshipgoals is the cutesy, often tongue-in-cheek meme/term for “this couple is doing something adorable” or “this person has a good partner” or (less nicely) “this person has their partner right where I want mine.”

 

It’s not usually actual relationship goals in a big, formal way...

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(kind of like #careergoals applied to a picture of a person sampling beers)

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3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

They have a very different concept of successful adulting to me.

It’s usually the concept their parents had for them, exascerbated by companies who want to sell them ways to fix themselves.

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1 minute ago, CBC said:

 

I usually think "relationship goals" is people (often younger people) gushing over what they perceive to be an ideal. Like a photo of a couple of celebrities who are dating and being all cutesy or something.

 

Yes.

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8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

This is more of the kind of thing I’ve seen most often on the Baby Agenda... people have a sense that it they are not X by Y age they are failures.   There is a lot of general pressure in the US (not on everyone, from everyone, but it’s not rare) to get and stay on the Appropriate Life Path... and that means degree by age X, good job before Y, kids before Z, and so on.  Some of that requires a partner, and people who subscribe to that mindset feel like time is running out.

 

It’s not so much dating culture as it is “successful adulting” culture.

I've  noticed that this "do it now/soon or be a failure" seems to hit people at around age 30.  

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