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How to let my son know ACE is normal/OK


ElizaB

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Hi everyone,

 

I’ve joined the group because about six months ago I was talking to my family and told them about how my bosses’ daughter is asexual. My eldest son, 11 at the time said, “that is me, that’s what I am.”

 

He has since turned 12. I know you may be thinking “he is too young to know” or a late bloomer, but I have two other sons and though everyone is different, I genuinely feel he may be asexual. Over the years he has been extremely reactive when people have asked/teased about girlfriends....he would become very angry and aggressive. For some reason it’s a major trigger for him.  I spoke to a counselor recently who suggested it may be because he feels he’s different and it’s a defense mechanism.

 

Anyway, whether he is or isn’t asexual, I need to find a way to let him know it’s ok, and I have no idea how to do this. There seem to be more natural opportunities when it comes to homosexuality as there are many same sex couples in our community, so the boys see this and know it’s normal and natural.

 

My question is also complicated by the fact that though extremely intelligent, he has emerging behavioural and mental health issues. 

 

Should I just wait for him to bring it up (he may never)? I have read that it is best not to bring up orientation directly, but how can I create an environment where he knows there are other asexual people (if he is) and that it’s ok?

 

Thanks for your advice. Sorry in advance if this is not the right kind of topic for this forum. 

 

Luz

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:) Hello, and welcome! :cake:

 

Don't worry; your post is in the correct forum. It's nice to hear that you're supportive of your son's possible asexual orientation. Are you sure your son isn't accepting of his possible asexual orientation, or is he just frustrated with others asking/teasing him about whether he has a girlfriend, etc., and needs help with knowing what to say or how to respond to others who ask him those types of questions?

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I wouldn't give him the idea that he is too young to know. When I first started to identify that ace, the idea that I might "grow out of it" was scary because it implied that if I came out as ace but changed my identity, it make identifying as asexual "fake" and "just a phase." I would recommend reinforcing that it is okay for his identity and how he feels to change, and that it is okay for it to stay the same. Introduce him to AVEN or tell him about ace-positive blogs on tumblr. Be willing to answer a lot of questions if he has them, and show him how to ask people on tumblr and AVEN (anonymously and SAFELY) if he has a question you can't answer. Show  support for the LGBT+ community as a whole--showing that you are accepting and supportive towards other not-straight people will show him that you are probably accepting of aces too.

 

tl;dr just be as accepting and supportive as possible. It sounds like you're already doing a great job. Good luck!

 

also, here are my two favorite ace-positive tumblr blogs:

http://aspecpplarebeautiful.tumblr.com/

anaceplace.tumblr.com

an ace place is currently deactivated, but may be back in the future. Both blogs will accept anonymous asks about amything regarding asexuality. Some stuff may be inappropriate for a 12 year old because sexuality is discussed a lot, sometimes relatively explicitly, but that's at your discretion. I hope these help both him and you :)

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Hi and welcome! :cake: It's great to hear that you want to get this message across at an early age.

 

You mentioned that there are enough same-sex couples in the community to make that seem normal. Are there many happily single people? I didn't realize I was asexual until I was older, but I always had a sense that I wanted to be single and independent my whole life. My mom had an aunt who never married who died when I was young, but my mom always spoke positively of her and how important she was to the family. I think that really helped me comfortably express my contentment without romantic relationships. Maybe if there's someone in your extended family or community (ideally male) who can serve as an example of how not everyone needs sex or romantic partners, you can subtly mention or highlight that in a way that's validating to asexuality (or aromanticism) in general.

 

Adolescence is rough for so many reasons. I had a lot of mental and physical health struggles in those years of my life. Looking back, I am veeeerrrrryyyy glad I felt okay pushing aside the teenage romance aspect so I didn't create more problems putting myself in messier situations. That's something I had control over, and I learned through my friends making smart and/or dumb choices rather than me going through it. I think the general message of it being okay to be single covers multiple bases in this difficult time - not needing to do what everyone else is doing, forming relationships based on trust rather than image, going with your heart instead of what's expected of you, etc. If you have a diverse range of possible role models in your circles, he will hopefully find an anchor to help keep him grounded while his peers go through a much hornier puberty (if that is the case).

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Personally I'm of the opinion that the best way of making something appear "normal/okay", is to not make a huge deal about it :) I'd rather wait until he brings it up. Approachig him about the subject might give him the idea that this aspect of him stood out to you, which might make reassurig him about how "normal" this is more difficult. If you manage to create an environment where he feels safe and secure talking about these things, chances are he will once he feels the need.

 

:cake:

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2 hours ago, Homer said:

the best way of making something appear "normal/okay", is to not make a huge deal about it :)

I agree, when it gets personal. It wouldn't make sense for @ElizaB to explicitly tell her son that "it's perfectly fine if you are asexual". But her son might feel different all by himself, and could be afraid of the possible reactions of a coming-out. So I think it wouldn't hurt to drop some general remarks, regarding other people, once in a while: "Some like it this way, some the other way, some neither, some both". Just to express the attitude that various lifestyles are OK. And then let the son decide when to bring up the subject. :cake::D

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It’s not normal or okay. It’s shit. 

If you want to comfort anyone who is ace you should just say “I’m cool with it” don’t make some big thing about it being okay and normal...blah blah blah. 

Just say you’re chill. 

 

I came out to my mother when I was 9. She was chill my father got very very angry. 

 

So just be chill. 

 

Good luck, have some cake 

sorry im Cynical

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Since he's already said that he feels he is asexual, you could just tell him that you think that's OK, and you will support him however he feels.  No need to beat around the bush about it.  

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4 hours ago, ElizaB said:

My eldest son, 11 at the time said, “that is me, that’s what I am.” 

4 hours ago, ElizaB said:

Over the years he has been extremely reactive when people have asked/teased about girlfriends....he would become very angry and aggressive.

4 hours ago, ElizaB said:

though extremely intelligent, he has emerging behavioural and mental health issues. 

These things you say about your son resonate with me. It sounds very much like me when I was the same age. I would react in exactly the same way to any mention or teasing about girlfriends. Thoughts of feeling different and it being a defence mechanism may be part of it, but I think it is a rather complex psychological issue and there is certainly more to it than that. As such, I find it difficult to say why I reacted like that; I am not really sure if I even know.

 

Nevertheless, I will try to unpick my thoughts and explain what was going through my head as best as I can. I was and still am a very private person, I don't like sharing many of my thoughts and feelings with other people. If anyone talked to me about whether I had or wanted a girlfriend, or told me they thought I should have one, I found that to be extremely invasive into my personal life in a way that I felt overstepped the mark. I thought that anyone raising the subject of my personal thoughts and feelings which should be private to me was out of order. It also invoked feelings of vulnerability.

 

I think it also made me angry because I did indeed know I was different, and I knew that I wasn't interested in girls or boys in a romantic way. I thought it was very presumptuous and disrespectful of people to make incorrect assumptions about me, and just assume that because most other boys were interested in girlfriends, I was too.

 

So, trying to put myself if the position of twelve year old me, and think about what would have been the right way to handle me at the time, I definitely have to agree with @roland.o and @Homer. I would avoid raising the subject directly and talking about it explicitly, as he probably won’t want to talk about it, and worst-case scenario is it could provoke an adverse reaction. If at any point he makes another remark like he did when he said “that is me, that’s what I am”, maybe that would be a good opportunity to tentatively pick up on it and talk casually about it.

 

Another thing I would say is that if you do talk about it, I would avoid using the word “you”. Don’t talk about “him”. Talk about “people” in general. Rather than saying something like “If you are asexual, that is OK”, say “There are some people who are asexual, and that is OK”.

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4 hours ago, Acemaybebaby said:

Introduce him to AVEN or tell him about ace-positive blogs on tumblr. Be willing to answer a lot of questions if he has them, and show him how to ask people on tumblr and AVEN (anonymously and SAFELY) if he has a question you can't answer.

I would be very cautious about that, I think that is probably not the best course of action at this stage. Maybe in two or three years time. Whilst I don't think that twelve years old is too young to know your sexual orientation, I do think that twelve years is a bit too young to be utilising these methods of info sourcing and connection. People aren’t supposed to register on AVEN until they are thirteen, so at this time he would only be able to read the publicly visible parts and not actively participate in any case.

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16 minutes ago, Ortac said:

I would be very cautious about that, I think that is probably not the best course of action at this stage. Maybe in two or three years time. Whilst I don't think that twelve years old is too young to know your sexual orientation, I do think that twelve years is a bit too young to be utilising these methods of info sourcing and connection. People aren’t supposed to register on AVEN until they are thirteen, so at this time he would only be able to read the publicly visible parts and not actively participate in any case.

And he probably shouldn't  be on AVEN at all, since there's quite a bit that he could read that might be disturbing to a 12-year-old.  

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5 hours ago, ElizaB said:

...Over the years he has been extremely reactive when people have asked/teased about girlfriends....he would become very angry and aggressive. For some reason it’s a major trigger for him.  I spoke to a counselor recently who suggested it may be because he feels he’s different and it’s a defense mechanism...My question is also complicated by the fact that though extremely intelligent, he has emerging behavioural and mental health issues...Should I just wait for him to bring it up (he may never)?...

Does the counselor you spoke to have an idea of what to do about your son being teased? Is your son seeing a counselor to help with the "emerging behavioural and mental health issues"? Usually, counselors advise parents to help their children going through bullying, teasing and other problems that upset them or cause them to feel angry, so that they feel happier, don't feel lost in what to do, or feel so alone that they decide to take their pain out on others and bully others.

 

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html

 

I grew up being emotionally bullied by children, growing up, (and physically bullied by two, one whom I was told was taking medication for something like ADHD; and the other whom was apparently, according to the parents of the child, bullying me due to feeling emotionally upset about her parents' divorce. From what I was told by my parents, who found out from my teachers--who'd talked to the parents of the bullying children--they were aware of their child's behavioral issues, but weren't really helping them.) I also had relatives who grew up being abused and bullied by kids at school, who didn't receive any help from their parents in dealing with any of these things, which caused them to grow up into bullying, abusive people, themselves. 

 

So, all these things are why I thought you were doing an important, good thing in trying to help your child who's feeling frustrated and angry about being teased by others about their lack of a girlfriend. Because, ignoring the teasing and letting your child to continue to feel angry and frustrated might not help your child, in the long term, and with the mental health issues, might cause more problems in the future, like them turning into a bully, themselves, as a way to deal with their frustration and feelings, or develop depression, if they don't receive guidance or help from others. I could've used a counselor's advice, myself, to help me deal with my anger and depression as a teen at being bullied by others.

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Hmm...

Back him up whenever anyone mentions girlfriends/relationships.

If he's like me and will read anything left lying around, there are a few books about asexuality. Maybe just have one in the house, where he can see it. Same goes for newspaper articles( check World Watch). The right one might be a good starting point for a discussion.

If he's seeing a counsellor/ therapist, make sure they're ace-positive.

Twelve definitely isn't too young to know. I knew at twelve. A fairly common answer to "when did you know?" Is " When I first heard the word asexual".

Finally, and I might be completely wrong, but smart, having problems, knows he's different? Autistic?

 

And here's a welcome cake

 Amazing-Chocolate-Wedding-Cake.jpg

 

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1 hour ago, Zebrafinch said:

Finally, and I might be completely wrong, but smart, having problems, knows he's different? Autistic?

That thought had crossed my mind as well. In my case, I didn't find out about it until I was quite a bit older, but it turned out that I was indeed on the autism spectrum.

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Welcome!

 

Make sure any counselor or therapist your son sees for his behavioral/mental health challenges is ace-aware and generally LBGT+ friendly.  He may not need help around his orientation, but it’s important that anyone working with him supports and respects it.

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8 hours ago, Acemaybebaby said:

Introduce him to AVEN or tell him about ace-positive blogs on tumblr.

The minimum age to sign up on here is 13.

 

I'd also stay away from Dumblr as far as I can, but maybe that's just me. Too much nonsense on there.

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10 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

:) Hello, and welcome! :cake:

 

Don't worry; your post is in the correct forum. It's nice to hear that you're supportive of your son's possible asexual orientation. Are you sure your son isn't accepting of his possible asexual orientation, or is he just frustrated with others asking/teasing him about whether he has a girlfriend, etc., and needs help with knowing what to say or how to respond to others who ask him those types of questions?

You know what, that’s a really good point. 

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6 hours ago, AussieIsAce said:

It’s not normal or okay. It’s shit. 

If you want to comfort anyone who is ace you should just say “I’m cool with it” don’t make some big thing about it being okay and normal...blah blah blah. 

Just say you’re chill. 

 

I came out to my mother when I was 9. She was chill my father got very very angry. 

 

So just be chill. 

 

Good luck, have some cake 

sorry im Cynical

I know what you mean. Don’t apologize. I think it’s good advice not to make it a huge production.

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4 hours ago, Zebrafinch said:

Hmm...

Back him up whenever anyone mentions girlfriends/relationships.

If he's like me and will read anything left lying around, there are a few books about asexuality. Maybe just have one in the house, where he can see it. Same goes for newspaper articles( check World Watch). The right one might be a good starting point for a discussion.

If he's seeing a counsellor/ therapist, make sure they're ace-positive.

Twelve definitely isn't too young to know. I knew at twelve. A fairly common answer to "when did you know?" Is " When I first heard the word asexual".

Finally, and I might be completely wrong, but smart, having problems, knows he's different? Autistic?

 

And here's a welcome cake

 Amazing-Chocolate-Wedding-Cake.jpg

 

I love your response. Thank you. He saw a psychiatrist and counselor a few years ago for behavioural issues and so far hasn’t been identified as being on the spectrum.

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5 hours ago, InquisitivePhilosopher said:

Does the counselor you spoke to have an idea of what to do about your son being teased? Is your son seeing a counselor to help with the "emerging behavioural and mental health issues"? Usually, counselors advise parents to help their children going through bullying, teasing and other problems that upset them or cause them to feel angry, so that they feel happier, don't feel lost in what to do, or feel so alone that they decide to take their pain out on others and bully others.

 

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/bullies.html

 

I grew up being emotionally bullied by children, growing up, (and physically bullied by two, one whom I was told was taking medication for something like ADHD; and the other whom was apparently, according to the parents of the child, bullying me due to feeling emotionally upset about her parents' divorce. From what I was told by my parents, who found out from my teachers--who'd talked to the parents of the bullying children--they were aware of their child's behavioral issues, but weren't really helping them.) I also had relatives who grew up being abused and bullied by kids at school, who didn't receive any help from their parents in dealing with any of these things, which caused them to grow up into bullying, abusive people, themselves. 

 

So, all these things are why I thought you were doing an important, good thing in trying to help your child who's feeling frustrated and angry about being teased by others about their lack of a girlfriend. Because, ignoring the teasing and letting your child to continue to feel angry and frustrated might not help your child, in the long term, and with the mental health issues, might cause more problems in the future, like them turning into a bully, themselves, as a way to deal with their frustration and feelings, or develop depression, if they don't receive guidance or help from others. I could've used a counselor's advice, myself, to help me deal with my anger and depression as a teen at being bullied by others.

We don’t have concerns about bullying. It was us that teased him—me, my middle son—just here and there, oh “so-and-so likes you....is she your girlfriend?” That kind of crap. We haven’t mentioned girlfriends or anything in a long time. We have access to a group of professionals for the mental health and behavioural issues,  but they have told me, at his age, he has to go voluntarily. He won’t budge. So unless we have a crisis, it’s unlikely I will be able to get him to a professional. 

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2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Welcome!

 

Make sure any counselor or therapist your son sees for his behavioral/mental health challenges is ace-aware and generally LBGT+ friendly.  He may not need help around his orientation, but it’s important that anyone working with him supports and respects it.

Good point that I’ll need to double check if he ever ends up agreeing to going. I guess I can’t assume they would all be friendly. 

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10 hours ago, Snao Cone said:

Hi and welcome! :cake: It's great to hear that you want to get this message across at an early age.

 

You mentioned that there are enough same-sex couples in the community to make that seem normal. Are there many happily single people? I didn't realize I was asexual until I was older, but I always had a sense that I wanted to be single and independent my whole life. My mom had an aunt who never married who died when I was young, but my mom always spoke positively of her and how important she was to the family. I think that really helped me comfortably express my contentment without romantic relationships. Maybe if there's someone in your extended family or community (ideally male) who can serve as an example of how not everyone needs sex or romantic partners, you can subtly mention or highlight that in a way that's validating to asexuality (or aromanticism) in general.

 

Adolescence is rough for so many reasons. I had a lot of mental and physical health struggles in those years of my life. Looking back, I am veeeerrrrryyyy glad I felt okay pushing aside the teenage romance aspect so I didn't create more problems putting myself in messier situations. That's something I had control over, and I learned through my friends making smart and/or dumb choices rather than me going through it. I think the general message of it being okay to be single covers multiple bases in this difficult time - not needing to do what everyone else is doing, forming relationships based on trust rather than image, going with your heart instead of what's expected of you, etc. If you have a diverse range of possible role models in your circles, he will hopefully find an anchor to help keep him grounded while his peers go through a much hornier puberty (if that is the case).

There ARE happily single people in the community and extended family. Thank you!

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3 minutes ago, ElizaB said:

I guess I can’t assume they would all be friendly. 

Yeah, just like people in general, their degree of familiarity with sexual orientations, genders, etc., outside the mainstream

varies.  Some may have problematic (from the perspective of working successfully with your son) religious or personal beliefs, but more may just lack the knowledge needed to provide helpful guidance and to avoid treating his orientation like a problem that needs fixing.  Someone who lacks knowledge but is immediately and cheerfully/enthusiastically willing to “read up” may work out fine, but ideally the therapist/counselor would have past experience working with LBGT+/ace clients.  Local LGBT+ organizations often maintain lists of non-mainstream-friendly counselors and therapists.

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7 hours ago, Ortac said:

 

These things you say about your son resonate with me. It sounds very much like me when I was the same age. I would react in exactly the same way to any mention or teasing about girlfriends. Thoughts of feeling different and it being a defence mechanism may be part of it, but I think it is a rather complex psychological issue and there is certainly more to it than that. As such, I find it difficult to say why I reacted like that; I am not really sure if I even know.

 

Nevertheless, I will try to unpick my thoughts and explain what was going through my head as best as I can. I was and still am a very private person, I don't like sharing many of my thoughts and feelings with other people. If anyone talked to me about whether I had or wanted a girlfriend, or told me they thought I should have one, I found that to be extremely invasive into my personal life in a way that I felt overstepped the mark. I thought that anyone raising the subject of my personal thoughts and feelings which should be private to me was out of order. It also invoked feelings of vulnerability.

 

I think it also made me angry because I did indeed know I was different, and I knew that I wasn't interested in girls or boys in a romantic way. I thought it was very presumptuous and disrespectful of people to make incorrect assumptions about me, and just assume that because most other boys were interested in girlfriends, I was too.

 

So, trying to put myself if the position of twelve year old me, and think about what would have been the right way to handle me at the time, I definitely have to agree with @roland.o and @Homer. I would avoid raising the subject directly and talking about it explicitly, as he probably won’t want to talk about it, and worst-case scenario is it could provoke an adverse reaction. If at any point he makes another remark like he did when he said “that is me, that’s what I am”, maybe that would be a good opportunity to tentatively pick up on it and talk casually about it.

 

Another thing I would say is that if you do talk about it, I would avoid using the word “you”. Don’t talk about “him”. Talk about “people” in general. Rather than saying something like “If you are asexual, that is OK”, say “There are some people who are asexual, and that is OK”.

Thank you so much for your reply. I really, really appreciate it.

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Thank you everyone for your advice. It is truly appreciated. I have made it painfully obvious that I don’t know how to reply to replies properly...how do you cut the content or can you reply without quoting?

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20 hours ago, ElizaB said:

how do you cut the content

On a desktop computer, use the mouse to select the part you want to quote. Then you'll see a bubble with a "Quote selection" button appear.

You can put multiple quotes into a single response:

 

20 hours ago, ElizaB said:

can you reply without quoting?

20 hours ago, ElizaB said:

Ok, never mind I figured it out haha.

Good :D:cake:

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Hi @ElizaB

 

An idea occurring, maybe find a YA novel for your son with a positive Asexual main character as a way to bring up the subject (if he likes reading?)

 

TV/books are a really good way to help show that it is ok (as long as it is positively portrayed)

 

I'm not sure of any, we do have this list of books though But I am not sure if any are young adult

 

 

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blueheroness

Maybe casually incorporating opportunities for him to be exposed to asexual people could be helpful. Something like attending a pride event where you know there will be positive ace representation. That may be a way to indirectly affirm for him that you are supportive of all orientations and also allow him to hear more information from a reliable source that could encourage him. 

It could also give you a chance to ask what he thought about the event to see if he wants to open up about his personal feelings.

But overall just the fact that you didnt respond negatively to his revelation is a wonderful thing!  He is blessed to have a kind parent like you! 

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