Lonely and no will to go on

[Guest community6seasons]

It seems like years now, but it was only a week ago when I was reasonably at peace, looking forward to studying, to the future etc. Then my friend wished me on my 33rd birthday and the spiral started. He's someone I have been in love with for the past 5 years I think. He's younger to me by 4 years. Very early on, I had confessed to him that I like him. But he gently rebuffed me. He then shifted to another city and I thought that was that and I would never hear from him again.

But somehow he did contact me occasionally. I was depressed though by his rejection and it took me a long time to get over him. Meanwhile, things happened. My parents and I started living together in 2016. Then within a few months, my Mum passed away.

8 months later in 2017, I had pinged my friend to wish him on his birthday and I told him about my Mum. Then I didn't hear from him for another 4 months. I don't know why but I was hurt. I felt he could have asked after me at least once to check if I was doing ok. I endured my grief totally by myself.

So when he pinged me 4 months later on my birthday, I was all ready to not reply. But somehow I did. Turns out he actually wanted to meet up to make sure I was doing ok. And ever since then I have been back on the love train as they say. In fact, I felt much closer to him this time. He told me to ping him whenever I wanted and that he would reply.

But of course my BPD reared its head. I would agonize for hours over whether to ping him – whether I was simply disturbing him. Then I would fear for the future that eventually he would get hitched to someone and what would I do then- how would I handle myself for I would be simply devastated.

Subconsciously I started jeopardizing the friendship. Once, I told him we should stop talking. He said ok, if that was my wish. Then I apologized for my outburst and said it would never happen again. Then I felt even our friendship was very one-sided. Of course, he was quite busy at work and I was unemployed. Even then he would hardly make the first contact. I felt that I was pinging him most of the times and he was simply responding/tolerating me. I became convinced that he had got bored of me.

So it was around in August that I decided to leave it up to him. As in, when he was free, I thought, maybe he would ping me himself. Of course, that never happened. I realized he was going to ping me directly during my birthday in December, which is exactly what happened.

Well predictably I lashed out at him. Of course, I didn’t tell him directly that I was hurt by the non-contact, but I said some other nonsense. Then mortified at what I had done, I finally revealed to him that I suffered from BPD. Fearing that I would hurt him again, I said it’s best if I stayed away from him.

He was understanding and calm about it. Anyway, the long and short is that I have driven him away. I totally regret what I have done and I don’t know how I can carry on with life. I mean, of course I knew somewhere at the back of my mind that he was never to going to feel the same way about me, plus our age difference was always an obstacle. But it still hurts that I have also lost his friendship. It’s that horrid feeling when you go from being close to someone to that person being distant towards you. I have sunk into depression again.

Apologies for the long ramble, but I just needed to get this out somewhere. I am lost and drifting.

[Guest]

Im sorry I dont have any good answers or comforting words that will take away what youre feeling, but Id like to offer my sympathy and a virtual hug. I know how much it hurts and it sucks.

 

Are you getting help for that BPD? It wont solve this problem of course, but it might make it a little easier for you on the way if you do.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, community6seasons said:

I said it’s best if I stayed away from him

But, you are worth love too... I know you feel like a worthless piece of shit. Deserving nothing at all. 

 

But even if you have BPD... You are NOT BPD... You're still a person. And people deserve love... Even in your darkests moments... You don't want to burden anyone with your shit. 

 

But, your screaming... Pleassseeee, help me... And it's also fair, to a world that has always abandoned you... That you are finally allow yourself to get helped, no?

 

*huggles*, 

 

-From another person, with BPD

[alto]

I don't have BPD, I have bipolar.

 

However, I also know what it is like to lose someone you love.  In my case, two come to mind right now.  There was this girl I knew when I was in my late teens...she was very important to me.  She was hit by a car and died.  Even worse, the funeral was scheduled on the weekend that I had planned to go visit her (she lived across the state).

 

The other person that comes to mind was a man I knew.  He actually cheated me out of a sizeable sum of money, so I should be mad at him right now.  But i'm not.  I'm just sad that he's left my life.

 

My point in saying all this is that you are not the only person to lose a loved one.  We all go through it at some time or other.  You could even say it's inevitable.  So you're not alone in this by any means.  Does that help?  ❤️

[Spotastic]

@community6seasons My wife is 5 years older than me, and we've been married for 11 years now, together for almost 12. She has seasonal depression, complex PTSD, and BPD. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, like all relationships do, but we always get through it. One of the things that my wife is constantly telling herself is "Depression Lies" I also am someone who almost never initiates conversations. We started as a long-distance relationship, and she was always the one to call first. We also didn't know that I was autistic until a few years ago. From my understanding, a lot of men are less likely to initiate conversation than women are, and this could be as simple as he thinks about you but doesn't call. My wife would freak out about things like that, too, until we talked about things and she knew what was going on in my head. One of the biggest positives about our relationship is that we've always had open and honest communication about anything. You're not alone. Don't give up. *hugs*

[daveb]

2 hours ago, Spotastic said:

From my understanding, a lot of men are less likely to initiate conversation than women are

That's definitely true for me.

[Sally]

It might possibly help you to think of it this way:   He hasn't rejected you.  It's just that you and he had a friendship, but not a love relationship.  You wanted that with him, but he did not.  That doesn't invalidate you as a person.  You are deserving of love, just as everyone is.   That kind of relationship will not happen with him, but it can and probably will with someone else in the future.  In the meantime, seek some help for the BPD, so that your anxiety and depression can decrease.  

[gisiebob]

our stories are not a matter of a single person, or even two people. when you find yourself at the end, of a chapter or a page or a word, turn to the next page and there is a whole new canvas for you. this canvas still loves you.

[Guest community6seasons]

Oh God. I am thoroughly embarrassed that I actually put this down in words. But, I am overwhelmed and love you all for caring and showing concern. That itself means a lot to me and gives me the strength to carry on. Thank you everyone so so much. It will take me some time to process what each of you have said.

[Skycaptain]

@community6seasons, sometimes showing how you feel can cleansing. The whole point of AVEN is that we are a safe area for people to express their opinions, air their doubts, etc 

[Homer]

I have both friends with bipolar and BPD, so I have learned a thing or two about the matter. Now of course I don't know how you worded that talk; if you talked about needing a break or if you said "that's it, we're done." or whatever happened exactly.

 

When my friends told me about their issues, I went down the rabbit hole and read books to learn what these disorders do and how to navigate them as a bystander. Maybe he would be willing to do just that if you sat him down and talk things through (assuming you're interested in the first place). I had a boatload of questions and I just wrote them down and mailed them since talking about these things can be draining as heck. Mailing gave them the option to answer as they could.

 

So yeah, if you regret what happened, it might be worth reaching out to him. However, one thing that gave me great comfort while dealing with this is knowing that it's okay to say no. (It's nothing I want to do, if I can help it, nor did I ever think about leaving them, but knowing that it's a valid option is good.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's possible that his answer is "no", so that possibility would have to be taken into consideration.

 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Homer said:

I have both friends with bipolar and BPD, so I have learned a thing or two about the matter. Now of course I don't know how you worded that talk; if you talked about needing a break or if you said "that's it, we're done." or whatever happened exactly.

 

When my friends told me about their issues, I went down the rabbit hole and read books to learn what these disorders do and how to navigate them as a bystander. Maybe he would be willing to do just that if you sat him down and talk things through (assuming you're interested in the first place). I had a boatload of questions and I just wrote them down and mailed them since talking about these things can be draining as heck. Mailing gave them the option to answer as they could.

 

So yeah, if you regret what happened, it might be worth reaching out to him. However, one thing that gave me great comfort while dealing with this is knowing that it's okay to say no. (It's nothing I want to do, if I can help it, nor did I ever think about leaving them, but knowing that it's a valid option is good.) I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's possible that his answer is "no", so that possibility would have to be taken into consideration.

 

 

Say no is perfectly ok. Just really, let us know, you're not going to leave.  Because that 'no' feels like rejection and therefor will leave. 

[Homer]

42 minutes ago, Phoenix the II said:

Say no is perfectly ok. Just really, let us know, you're not going to leave.  Because that 'no' feels like rejection and therefor will leave. 

I'd never say that I won't leave or that I'll always be there or whatever. What I will say though is that I'll always try my hardest to be there

 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Homer said:

I'd never say that I won't leave or that I'll always be there or whatever. What I will say though is that I'll always try my hardest to be there

 

Mhmm, But to have a friend that actually goes out on their own, to search what BPD/bipolar does to someone, to be able to support and understand them better. 

 

Is something rare. Usually, we're pushed away by our behaviors and complexity... Seen as weird ect. 

But also, will push away ourselves, because once someone does try to understand.. It's weird to us. And  therefor, not true. False. No one does that. So why would you? 4

 

 

[Homer]

I tried and I believe that it actually worked but yeah, I'm a weirdo so there's that. BTT?

[Spotastic]

My wife and I talk about just about everything, and when we first got together, she had been diagnosed as bipolar since she was 16. It was only after a number of years of us being together (which was when she was 34 or 35) that we found out it's actually BPD. Her mom still thinks we made up the new diagnosis, even after telling her that it's a doctor's diagnosis, but there are many reasons we stopped talking to her 3 years ago... But the two of us have specific safety nets in place to ensure that she is understood and feels safe, just like there are things that she keeps in mind about how I say or do things as someone who is autistic. People always seem amazed that my wife and I have been together so long after initially being an internet relationship, but the main thing I always tell people is that we have always been open with our communication whenever major or minor things come up. Just like I'm gray asexual and she's not asexual at all, but we still make intimacy work for both of us.

[Guest]

If I may? 

 

*hug* 

 

It's okay to ramble on here. I've done it from time to time. 😊 

 

I'm sorry about your mom. 😢 

 

And I'm sorry about your friend. I was diagnosed with BPD several years ago. I'm not 100% certain if that diagnosis was correct or not, but I do know somewhat of what you're going through. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out relationships, and at times that's led to misunderstandings. I also have problems with trust and intimacy, so relationships tend to be very difficult for me. 😟

 

Not sure what to say here. I do hope that you're able to get help with the BPD, tho. The ups and downs can be a killer. Talking to someone IRL about how I was feeling really helped me. Hopefully you can find someone like that. 🙂

[kiaroskuro]

@community6seasons I can relate to your story, sth similar happened to me. Only in my case, the friend I was secretly in love with just broke off contact with me all of a sudden. There wasn't any conflict, and I never consciously jeopardized the friendship. It's this not-knowing-why that is still bothering me.

Today I just try telling myself that it's been an important - although very painful - life lesson. 

 

Don't be hard on yourself, and please take care of yourself. You definitely deserve to be happy.

I'm sending you a virtual hug if that's okay.

[Guest community6seasons]

Thank you everyone again. Just being validated is making me feel better. I have sent this mail to him today, but haven't got any response from him. I don't have much hope of getting one either.

 

 

Since you haven't replied, I am guessing you are angry or scared of me now.

 

I don't know how to earn your trust back. I can understand why you would rather not want to deal with all this. It's something too much to handle for most people. I am again sorry for everything. I can't believe what I have done - driven away the one person who was so patient and understanding. I would do anything to make up for all this.

 

I only got diagnosed this year. I will take up therapy as soon as I land a job. Meanwhile, there's online therapy that I am trying out. All I can say in my defence is that I got dealt a raw hand in my childhood, because of which I got BPD. I certainly didn't ask for it. People with BPD just need some understanding from their friends and you were so understanding. I am not some monster Just somebody struggling with something.

 

I miss being friends with you. Is there any hope or small chance you would consider being friends again?

 

[Phantasmal Fingers]

Give up.

 

As soon as you do you'll catch yourself as you fall. When you do you'll know you've always been okay. There's no-one else. There is only you and you (already) know this.