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Verylongdryspell

Been with my Asexual partner for 18 years since high school.

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

I think she is genuinely scared of living as an independent grownup. I think she genuinely wants a nicer house than she can afford on a single income. I think she genuinely has depression. I think she genuinely has no friends. And I absolutely think she is leveraging that guilt with strategic intent to hang on to her mixed relationship. I guess there is a small chance she is doing this subconsciously if she really lacks self awareness.

There’s actually a fairly good chance considering she’s been in this relationship since she was a teen.

 

What good does it do to villify either partner, especially when we barely know one and haven’t heard from the other?

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nanogretchen4

My intent is not to vilify anyone. However, the OP already asked for a divorce once and then agreed to stay because of the idea that the OP's wife is too helpless and fragile to survive on her own. I think it is important to examine this idea a little more critically. Is the perceived helplessness and fragility of the OP's wife an objective, unchangeable truth? If the OP's wife lacks certain life experiences, must she definitely remain forever dependant on the OP or could she maybe try to learn whichever chores and errands the OP usually does? If she is depressed, could she find a way of managing that so the responsibility for maintaining her mental health rests on herself rather than on the OP? If she has no friends other than a spouse who has already asked for divorce, she has to make some. Having one person who you know wants to leave as your entire social support network just won't work. Before the OP asks for divorce a second time he should contemplate the notion that his wife is an adult who earns as much money as he does, and she can take care of herself although she does not want to.

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ryn2

Again, we have the OP’s interpretation of the facts.  We don’t know how his partner feels/actually says she feels.

 

Assuming his interpretation is relatively accurate, trying to establish a solo life after an entire adult life spent together isn’t easy and may seem overwhelming.  That doesn’t mean OP should not get divorced, but it easily could mean his partner isn’t wilfully manipulating him.

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Serran

It is hard to establish a life on your own. And if you love a person still you may cling for various reasons, fear of change, love of a partner, loss of lifestyle. Its a lot of loss. And its natural to not want that. Doesnt make her a bad person for wanting to try to make it work. 

 

The OP needs to be firm in his desire for a split. Hopefully his wife will be amicable once she realizes it is inevitable. 

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Verylongdryspell

It doesn't seem like she is manipulating me to be mean.  As I said in the beginning, we make pretty good roommates, the poly as a solution might have worked if I didn't get so emotionally entangled with my lover.  

 

By the way, the other woman I was with has moved on and is now pregnant with the other Man's child so that ship has sailed.  I have no love interest outside or my marriage right now so if this takes six months or counseling in order for it to come to a reasonable conclusion, that's fine with me.

 

I think that my wife's dependence on me has been more harmful to our marriage than her asexuality.  Men need time alone (especially in a sexless marriage).  

 

Also, yeah Definitely, my perspective can't possibly by accurate because it's my perspective.  Ten different people would probably see things differently.

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ryn2

Maybe during the counseling timeframe she can work on being more independent?  It could change the dynamic enough that staying together is an option (not likely, understood), and it will help her be more prepared in the event you do split afterwards.

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Verylongdryspell
53 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Maybe during the counseling timeframe she can work on being more independent?  It could change the dynamic enough that staying together is an option (not likely, understood), and it will help her be more prepared in the event you do split afterwards.

I think this is really the solution I'm looking for and it's what I've been pushing for ever since I told her I wanted a divorce.  She stopped spending money and started saving as much as possible in her savings in case I left.  She went out to lunch with an old friend twice (she seems to see her every few months).  I can tell though, if she isn't constantly pushed, she will just assume everything is fine and give it up.  

 

I think if she heard a counselor say, this is unacceptable, you can't be this dependant on someone and also ignore their sexual needs, you will break your marriage that way, then maybe she might do something about it because they are a professional.  Not that there's anything she really can do because "Charity sex" is never going to do it for me.  That's not real sex at all.  

 

I suggested counseling last night and she agreed to it, but I think I will probably have to go find the counselor and drag her there.  I think I can do that though.  

 

I'm sure I sound pretty negative about this, and the fact is I do resent her and I know that puts tons of stress on our marriage even though I try very hard to keep my thoughts and words kind towards her.  Part of why I got on here was so that I could vent, it feels better talking to people who understand what I'm dealing with.  

 

I really don't think asexuality is a bad thing, I just think that a mixed relationship like mine is not a good idea.  

 

I might have mentioned this before but after really looking at this, I think asexuality is when someone is very much in their mind about sexuality.  My wife has never felt chemistry with someone except for a few times in the very beginning of our relationship.  If she finds someone attractive, it's almost like she has done calculations in her mind and determined that they are technically attractive.  

 

For me it doesn't work that way, my body plays the main role and my mind stays out of it.  Sometimes my body says, "wow, I really resonate with that other body over there.". This happened one time with a woman that was probably 30 years older than me.  She was twice my age but her vibes were so sexy to me, my mind rejected it and I moved on but my point is that there is this whole vibrational relationship between my body and another's that is a major component for me that is just completely missing in my marriage and when I talk about it my wife thinks it sounds crazy.  

 

My body craves that kind of interaction, even just touching someone that I vibe with while watching a movie is a relief for me because my body gets to play in that vibrational domain.  

 

I've been channeling excess sexual energy into excercise which has kept me sane but ultimately worked against me because even though it works out my extra energy, it also seems to give me more of that energy overall and being in the best shape of my life doesn't make me feel any better about my partner having no sexual desire for me.  

 

Geeze, I really sounds like I'm complaining here.  It's really not that bad, I mean it would be worse if I was with a woman that was always trying to get into arguments or was abusive on some way.

 

Thanks for listening to my rants about this everyone.  I think this is a very helpful outlet for me.  I tell my friends but every single one of them thinks that asexuality is not a real thing.  Sexuals have such a hard time understanding it and they always just assume that the ace just hasn't found the right person yet.

 

The bottom line is that I know I don't want to stay in this marriage and my wife is well aware of that.  I just want to find a way to end it with some kind of mutual agreement.  I'm hoping the counseling will help her to see that staying together is a really bad idea.  I feel like I need help here, I don't want to be the only one who tells her that this is not going to work out long term and I really want her to be able to talk to someone openly.  

 

Her life can be an adventure!  I am willing to stick around as her friend, maybe we could be much better friends if I'm not expecting anything from her that she's not able to give.  

 

I think I am feeling hopefull now.

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ryn2
2 minutes ago, Verylongdryspell said:

I think if she heard a counselor say, this is unacceptable, you can't be this dependant on someone and also ignore their sexual needs,

I don’t think you’ll find the counselor will say this but being in counseling may help your partner see that something is happening (and that she needs to be prepared).

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ryn2
5 minutes ago, Verylongdryspell said:

Her life can be an adventure! 

The problem is, that may not appeal to her.

 

Have you thought about mediation?  That might be a faster, clearer-cut (but still civil) way out.  Counseling usually implies there is still a chance...

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Verylongdryspell
14 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

The problem is, that may not appeal to her.

 

Have you thought about mediation?  That might be a faster, clearer-cut (but still civil) way out.  Counseling usually implies there is still a chance...

Yeah, you're right.  It doesn't appeal.  I've never heard of mediation but I don't think she would agree with it because she's so anti divorce.  The main thing that I desire right now is for her to see that divorce is not the end of the world.  

 

Taking her to counseling implies that there's a chance, but I think that's necessary to get her to co-operate.

 

Besides, there's always a chance that the counselor will help me to see something that I'm missing.  I am willing to be open minded about it.  We do get along well as roommates and I think something like that could work, I just need to be able to do what I want with my time.  Life is too short to spend it sitting at home watching TV.  

 

My life actually is an adventure every time I go out I to the world on my own.  I always have a great time when I go to events and stuff like that by myself or with friends.  I would like to be able to do that without feeling guilty that I'm leaving my wife at home.  

 

I guess I'm just totally burned out on being her entire support system.  If she could live on her own for a month it might completely transform her entire perspective and hey, maybe I would miss her.

 

Leaving her and staying single for a while might be a great service to her at this point.  These are the kind of things the counselor might suggest and I would be all for trying anything to help her be able to stand on her own.  Like I said, there's no woman out there waiting for me to be divorced.  I'm not in a hurry and I want her to be okay.

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ryn2

Mediation is used in general to help work through problems.  It’s more focused on finding practical solutions and less on working through feelings.  It doesn’t have to be a road to divorce, although it can be.

 

It will likely take your wife six to twelve months on her own to start to feel comfortable, but that’s not abnormal.

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nanogretchen4

Mediation is usually a tool for negotiating logistics and property division in an amicable divorce. Both partners reach a mutually acceptable agreement, instead of making arguments before a judge who then issues a ruling in a contested divorce settlement. You don't have child custody issues to worry about, so that's a big plus.

 

If you were to try counseling that would come before the mediation. The purpose of counseling would mostly be to help your wife accept the reality that divorce is going to happen and make mental and practical preparations for it. Secondarily it would be to reduce your feelings of guilt and obligation. Just because you choose to go to relationship counseling does not mean that you have to do so with the goal of saving the marriage. You can go to counseling with the goal of getting divorced as kindly and respectfully as possible. My concern is that although it is clear that you know you want a divorce, if you go to counseling you might feel like you have to pretend you are still in the saving the marriage stage, when actually you are way past that. If you mislead the counselor and give your wife false hope that will not be constructive. Only go if you are committed to honest communication about your feelings and motives.

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ryn2

The mediation places where I live also do “annual relationship tuneups” and the like but maybe that’s not typical.

 

That was my concern about counseling, though... it can take a really long time and seem way too much like an intent to fix things.... which can end up muddling the issue rather than helping if you’re not good at standing your ground.

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GoneForGood
2 hours ago, Verylongdryspell said:

I think if she heard a counselor say, this is unacceptable, you can't be this dependant on someone and also ignore their sexual needs, you will break your marriage that way, then maybe she might do something about it because they are a professional.

You want someone to tell her that she has to do her "wifely duties" because you split the bills?! How 1950s of you

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nanogretchen4

What he actually wants is a divorce. The dependence he speaks of is not financial, it's extreme, unhealthy emotional clinginess. Almost immediately after that in the same post he said he doesn't want wifely duties from an asexual.

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anisotrophic

@Verylongdryspell it does sound like the underlying problems are really about the dependence and sense that you're trapped!

 

If she is asexual, it isn't something that can be helped, but it can pretty easily become a part of broad dysfunction. On the other hand, sexual people that have relationship issues... stop wanting to have sex. I'd recommend avoiding making statements that imply she could do better at sex -- or that charity sex "isn't really sex". It is; it's honestly a standard part of marriage with sexuals too (just not the only way they can have sex!).

 

Please realize that if she actually can't experience attraction, it's like blaming someone for being gay.

 

Other issues -- becoming more independent, not making you feel trapped and forced to stay -- are things she can hopefully change about herself & get better at. Sounds like that's really the root of it?

 

I mean, sex problems are a trigger for you ... but you could plant some lasting self hatred if you lead someone to feel miserable about something like sexual orientation, which they can't help. You're feeling bitter, but hopefully you can set it aside here. In the end it's not really about that, it seems. And an asexual partner can show empathy, if not change who they are. For many aces this means they decide breaking up is best for their partners.

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Lara Black
On 12/26/2018 at 5:39 PM, Verylongdryspell said:

I told her that I wanted a divorce before I was with the other woman.  She really didn't like that option and it's probably why she accepted what I felt like I had to do.  I actually agree with almost all of your comments and suggestions.  She is still young and very beautiful.  She's even very fit!  I'm really not sure why she wants to stay with me even though I told her that I want a divorce and explored a romantic relationship with another woman.  It could be that she believes her value to be compromised because of her asexuality and maybe if I left her because of it it would reinforce that.  

It reminds me of my position in my first marriage. I didn’t have any friends because my ex was enough – I didn’t need anyone else. I was socially… helpless? And, although I’m sexual, my husband’s sex drive was much-much higher, so eventually we had to open our relationship.

So, judging by my experience, I can say a few things:

1. If a person feels compelled to open their marriage, there will always be something wrong or scary about it. Since these feelings are purely emotional, fixing the rational reasons for them doesn’t do much good.

2. When a person feels so comfortable in a marriage that they don’t have friends and such, the chance of them suddenly changing and becoming more sociable is slim to nil.

3. Break-ups are hard, but after all the pain many people feel liberated, empowered.

I can’t speak for your wife, but I’m very happy that we broke up with my first husband. Although the break-up was the most emotionally painful thing I’ve ever experienced, I’m much stronger now: I’ve got my own friends and a partner who is much better matched with me than my husband was. We keep in touch with my ex, we can be called friends, but as partners we were just wrong for each other. So, even though ending a long-term relationship is really painful, it might be beneficial for the both of you.

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Lara Black
4 hours ago, Verylongdryspell said:

I think if she heard a counselor say, this is unacceptable, you can't be this dependant on someone and also ignore their sexual needs, you will break your marriage that way, then maybe she might do something about it because they are a professional.  Not that there's anything she really can do because "Charity sex" is never going to do it for me.  That's not real sex at all.  

 

1 hour ago, MakeLoveNotWar said:

You want someone to tell her that she has to do her "wifely duties" because you split the bills?! How 1950s of you

I think it’s not about “wifely duties”. There is a saying in my country: “Don’t saw the tree branch you’re sitting on”. Basically, being totally financially and emotionally dependent on a man who is increasingly unhappy in this marriage is working against oneself. So, self preservation demands a decision – either make sure your husband is happy or become self-sufficient. Sounds like a fair advanced warning to me.

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nanogretchen4

anisotropic, I don't think the OP has reached the bitter stage of feeling trapped in a mixed relationship yet, and hopefully he will end the mixed relationship before that happens. He seems genuinely concerned for his wife, actually, and not all that angry under the circumstances. He just wants a divorce. The whole sexual incompatibility thing is instantly transformed into a non issue once the decision is made to divorce. Both partners can stop processing that and working on it. As long as they keep moving forward on the logistics of separation, they never have to discuss sex with each other again. By the same token, I guess it would be nice if she would work on becoming more independent and not making the OP feel forced to stay. But the important thing to make clear to her is that the OP is not going to stay, period. She will in fact be more independent out of necessity once she has no husband to depend on. Making a firm decision to leave an unworkable relationship relieves both partners of the necessity of continuing to work on and process the relationship.

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anisotrophic

@nanogretchen4 my concern is the way he writes bitterly about the inadequacy of sex. It's borderline blaming, "not real sex" is a hostile attitude to be carrying -- and not particularly true. I'm sexual, probably had more sex than him, with a greater variety of people. I'm sympathetic ... to a point.

 

But he also wrote:

 

18 hours ago, Verylongdryspell said:

I think that my wife's dependence on me has been more harmful to our marriage than her asexuality. 

Great. Focus on that. Avoid turning this into a blame game about some  (speculated?) aspect of an individual that they can't change and very possibly don't understand about themselves -- or didn't, in the past.

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Sally
On 12/26/2018 at 8:30 AM, Verylongdryspell said:

She also hasn't told her parents about her asexuality and is really worried about that.  When I told her that I told my parents about her asexuality and that I was with another woman, she was really upset.  

 Of course she was upset!   Why would you do that?  Why would either of your parents deserve to know about such personal things?   That can only cause your parents -- who in some ways have become her family also  -- to feel that it is her fault if you divorce.   

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Verylongdryspell

You both have it right.  @nanogretchen4 seems to understand how I feel and I really appreciate that.  I didn't come here just to be understood though, I need to get other perspectives, but it definitely feels good to hear that you get what I'm saying.

 

@anisotropic has a point.  Yeah, I'm a little bitter, probably not as much as I sound because yeah, I'm venting.  It would be more accurate to say that I'm not interested in sharing a part of myself that I think is very beautiful with someone who thinks sex is gross.  I just can't do that to myself and it's not doing her any good either.

 

I'm going to go ahead and relieve her of that burden by just accepting her as an asexual.  I've already done that anyway.  We don't have a sex life.  This is more about what's happening in my own mind which I suppose does affect her.  

 

Probably the reason she wants to stay with me is that I have been accepting her this whole time, I haven't been pressuring her to have sex with me.  I've essentially sacrificed my sexuality for the good of my marriage, I just didn't realize how foolish that was.  I thought I could do it forever but I've changed my mind.  I was way too young to make a decision like that and at the time I thought sex was just about getting off.  I realize now it's an entire dimension of experience that can be shared with someone.  It's not something that you understand just because you are a sexual person.  How many times have we all heard sexual people complain about their sex lives?  It's pretty rare to find someone who matches you in terms of their emotional capacity, energy level, magnetism, ability to get out of their head and have a truly physical experience and whatever else makes it possible to have what I would consider to be "real sex". 

 

@Sally

I did this because my mom really wanted to understand what was going on and why we aren't having children.  I also get fed up with this secrecy.  It's cool for her to keep her secret but when it comes to my mom, she's actually asking me to lie in a way.  I did that for 18 years, how long does she expect this to go on?  I don't regret telling her.  

 

This isn't about blame, this is about me being honest.  Being married to an asexual has a big impact on me.  I have the right to be open about it just as much as my wife has the right to keep it a secret.  I would never tell her parents about it, but I can tell my mom the truth.  That's just how it is.

 

She could tell that we aren't connected in a certain way.  My mom is very sexual and she picks up on stuff like that.  

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anisotrophic

@Verylongdryspell I should note that my partner is, if anything, less repulsed by sex than I am. It's just an activity to him, and takes effort to do it. If your partner is making you feel like your sexuality is gross, yeah: that's a corrosive thing to live with. At issue isn't about having sex, but having one's sexuality rejected.

 

FWIW family is the only category of people that is off limits to me talking about this with. So I would tend to feel as @Sally  does on that point. And I can see why: there's a lot of shame & worry my family would blame him, but that's unfair: we didn't know about asexuality 15+ years ago.

 

And I don't think that any marriage has a "right to be open" about dirty laundry: whatever the topic, bringing others into issues or disagreements may be seen as an betrayal of trust or respect.

 

I did feel frustration with wanting to share, because it felt unfair. And I'm allowed to share with pretty much anyone else. But I've also found that sharing doesn't accomplish much, it's just dropping a turd in conversation.

 

Edit to add: I have had some amazing sex imho, in my life. A menage a trois with both partners giving me the attention? 💯! Can't say it wasn't pretty wow. It was upsetting to realize how distant that is now but... ah well. What's done is done.

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Verylongdryspell

@anisotropic Yes, the rejection of my sexuality was done over time and I don't think it was her intention.  I love to do massages and I would spend an hour doing that and each time she would fall asleep, I would get really tired too.  

 

When I was with the other woman, it was a totally different story.  It was like my body was willing to offer unlimited energy for romantic things like that and my lover would get so turned on and tell me that I was torturing her with too much foreplay.  She just wanted me that bad and it showed me that my sexuality was actually okay, better than okay because we would have sex for hours and she would have multiple orgasms during sex while making the most enjoyable sounds I've ever heard.  She is such an amazing woman and she taught me the idea of bringing one's awareness entirely into the body and that the body has the most amazing intelligence of it's own.  She called it embodiment and she had basically mastered it.  

 

She broke my heart by leaving but she helped repair the damage that was done in my marriage.  She also helped me by breaking my heart because that was the only time something like that had ever happened to me and it awakened a deep emotional awareness that I never knew existed.  Now I feel everything and I deal with it by going as deeply as I possibly can into it.  I learned that from someone who was taught to do that by their therapist and although it's painful, it really works for me.  

 

Of course, my wife wasn't expecting me to find a lover that was so incredibly capable and she was understandably unhappy about that.  In a way it worked out because I think that it's unlikely that I will ever find a match like that again.  The only reason she left was that she couldn't handle me being married.  She was not poly, she just wanted to experience me as a lover and was willing to deal with my circumstances until she wasn't.  She was hoping to remain my friend and even her new guy was open to that but when I saw them together and he was being affectionate towards her, I just couldn't do it.  It was so painful to watch.  Now they are having a baby so that gives me some solid closure that I needed, otherwise I would not be able to stay away.  

 

It's probably not hard to see from this story that opening a marriage can be very dangerous to the marriage.  I found the love of my life and because I stayed with my wife, I lost my lover.  I guess the lesson is, if you are going to go poly, make sure the people who get involved with you are also poly, but does it really work that way?  I mean, you fall for whoever you fall for right?  

 

I tell myself that it all happened the way it was supposed to and that keeps me from resenting my wife(kinda) but this makes me wonder, "what if I find another person who matches me like that?".  Chances are they will not be poly and they are not going to be okay with me being married.  Because of my experience, I see great value in being available.  

 

I thought I had what it takes to be poly, but I was wrong.  I have never ever been the jealous type but when I saw them together it was like getting hit by a bus.  I just had to get out of there as fast as I could.  

 

Still, I think that poly people are fascinating.  This seems like a good way to go for anyone who can make it work.  From what I understand, it takes really great communication which I just don't have with my wife.  She tends to shut down if I talk about our marriage or anything emotional that's not in her favor.  It's like hitting a brick wall and I have to choose my words very carefully.  

 

She also experienced unexpected jealousy and even rage when I actually told her that I was in love with another woman, that is wasn't just sex.  I think that she didn't realize this possibility because to her, sex is just sex.  She can't comprehend what it can do in terms of bonding two people together and I think she would very much like to have that bond with me it's just that her body will not cooperate which is really not her fault and my body has given up on her.  We just don't fit together that way.  I'm not blaming her for that, I just don't want to be denied this experience of human love that I now know is possible.  I would like to explore romance without limitations.  I'm not willing to put my sexuality in a box and store it in the basement.  

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ryn2

In reading your posts it sounds like you’ve already tried and ultimately ruled out the non-divorce options (compromise, celibacy, opening your marriage).  Unlike @anisotropic‘s situation, it also sounds as though you’re generally dissatisfied with other areas of the relationship as well. From what you describe you’ve essentially made up your mind and the main - if not only - thing holding you back at this point is the effect divorcing will have on your wife.

 

It’s going to have that effect whenever you do it.  Unfortunate, sure, but inevitable.

 

The sooner you start, the sooner she - the sooner you both - can move through and ultimately past the painful, difficult pieces.

 

If you keep trudging along, in a year (or two, or five), your wife will be in the same place she is now.  The two of you make like one another less, as trying becomes more and more of an effort, but things will be essentially the same.  If you divorce now, in a year your wife will be settled in a new home and well along the path to independence (or to dependence on someone who isn’t you, if that’s the choice she makes instead).

 

Likewise, the “negative press”... if you do nothing, a year from now you will still have to face the looming discomfort of knowing some friends and family will label you a cheater and judge you and your choices harshly.  If you divorce now, in a year the dust will have settled and the gossips will have moved on to new and different things.

 

Waiting doesn’t change what you have to go through.  It just doesn’t get it over with as quickly.

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Serran

I got with my first spouse at 19. He didnt really like me working, so when I moved out I was rather... not setup. I had a broken down car, no money, no real work experience, no degree, no friends beyond a few online ones that werent that close. I also had very little experience driving cause I preferred to walk places, so never really driven beyond to get my license or to a store 2 minutes down the road. 

 

But, I was OK. I went to family to stay, driving 18 hours through big cities with all my stuff and my pets in this beaten up old car. I had just enough money for gas and a hotel to stop on the way since I couldnt safely drive overnight with no experience. I found a job when I got there. I got back into school. I met some cool people and gained good friends ( @Puck you are one of them 😛) and one of those friends is now my spouse, asleep in bed beside me and we dont have a big sexual incompatibility issue.. we are great together. 

 

However, all that new stuff is frickin scary when you are trying to decide to move on. So its natural your wife doesnt want to. However, you dont have to take care of her. She will be OK. Humans can pick themselves up and usually find a life that fits them. Maybe she will find someone compatible, maybe you will too. 

 

Staying around each other is just going to hold you both back. 

 

Edit: And note im much happier now than the 10 years with my ex. I have a good job, headed to a career, I have a wonderful spouse and I can handle myself if I need to. None of that I would have had if I stayed with my ex. So im very glad it ended. 

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Verylongdryspell

I think I've made things sound worse than they are because of my sexual frustration.  I really felt like I needed to vent, not only to people who understand how I feel but also to people that have a similar perspective as my wife.  Maybe I wanted to target some asexual people here with some of that bitterness because I'm upset with asexuality in general.  That's totally unfair but hey, I'm not a saint or anything. 

 

Most of the time when a marriage goes bad, there's all kinds of hatred and fighting that happens, with my wife it's not like that, we get along well, things are pleasant, really the only thing wrong is that it's like living with my sister at this point.  There's nothing that we do together that we couldn't do as friends so I feel like we should just go ahead and stop pretending to be married and just be friends or roommates or whatever it is that we actually are.  It's not so much that I want to change my living situation as it is that I want more honesty.  

 

That's such a big thing to me.  Someone on here said something about people gossiping about me cheating on my wife because I told my mom about it.  I just don't see it that way, I'm not ashamed about it and I certainly don't regret it.  Hell, my mom has even had an affair that she initiated and I think my dad probably has too. It happens and it's not like I was even having sex with my wife while I was with the other woman.  

 

Seriously, who cares?  The truth is the truth, there's no point in trying to hide it, at least that's how I would like live my life.  In my experience, if you allow yourself to be truly vulnerable, you can tell people anything and it's okay.  It's life, we are all human and everyone knows that on some level.  

 

I don't care that much about other people being honest with me, I don't expect that, I just want to be completely honest with other people about my life.  

 

Sometimes I need to go out there into the world and play.  I need to look a woman in the eyes and feel that sweet chemistry.  I don't need to rip her clothes off and ravage her, I just need to feel alive!  I need to include my body in my experience.  My body has been so good to me after all. 

 

After hearing all of your points, I completely get where all of you are coming from.  Based on what I've told you, it makes sense to end it as soon as possible but I don't think I did a great job of illustrating what is going on.  

 

In some ways I'm very grateful for my wife.  I think she kept me from going down a dark road of being a player and possibly even a womanizing drug abuser.  I really think I might have become a sex addict or some other kind of addict.  

 

Because I have been with an asexual for 18 years, I had a chance to really confront my sexuality and learn about it.  I actually read books about it and learned as much as I could to find ways to cope with it much in the same way that a celibate man would because I was celibate for most of my marriage.

 

This was ultimately really helpful because now I have found ways to channel all that extra energy in ways that are pleasant for the people and myself.  I guess you could say, I learned how to be sexually on fire without being creepy, possessive or imposing in any way.  I can even fall asleep while feeling that intense fire.  This took many years to work out and it never would have happened if not for these circumstances.  So you see, I'm not entirely bitter about it, I just get really frustrated sometimes because I know that I have something very special to share that feels forbidden and unwanted.

 

She recognizes that I've grown and feels used because I became a much better man while I was with her and now I just want to go off and be free.  It seems unfair to me too.  

 

Out of necessity I struggled to find my own solutions to my frustrations and that has yeilded fruit, she has been just coasting along thinking that everything is fine.  

 

It was only in the last year that I've changed my mind about our marriage.  It really caught her off guard because she thought I was happy being celibate, after all it does have some advantages.  The truth is that I was happy, it just feels like such a waste to supress this entire dimension of my being.  

 

Clearly I'm conflicted and I need to work it out.  It seems like I'm looking for something that most people here believe is not possible, my wife's blessing in a separation.  

 

Can you blame me for not wanting to just pull the rug out from under her?  Isn't it possible that I could find a way to get her to agree with me that separation is the right thing to do?  

 

Call me stubborn but I have to keep trying. I believe this is possible.  We are going to try counseling and see what happens.  I think I owe her that much.  I will tell the counselor that I want out of marriage.  I will be clear about that.  I'll also be open minded that maybe things could work for us but I'll keep that to myself until something changes my mind about it.  I think she needs at least that much of an incentive to become independent.

 

I decided to stop wearing my ring as a statement that I am not pretending to be married anymore.  As far as I'm concerned, it's just on paper now.  We are friends and roommates.  Out of respect for her, I will keep away from other woman but I'll try to make sure she knows that I'm not into marriage.  

 

Honestly I don't think I'll ever get married again unless I change my mind about having children.  

 

Thank you all so much for listening to me rant about my problems and for giving me your insights.  

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ryn2
11 minutes ago, Verylongdryspell said:

Most of the time when a marriage goes bad, there's all kinds of hatred and fighting that happens, with my wife it's not like that, we get along well, things are pleasant, really the only thing wrong is that it's like living with my sister at this point.  There's nothing that we do together that we couldn't do as friends so I feel like we should just go ahead and stop pretending to be married and just be friends or roommates or whatever it is that we actually are.  It's not so much that I want to change my living situation as it is that I want more honesty.  

This is nearly word-for-word what my former partner described... right up until he suddenly couldn’t stand it.  For some, at least, it’s not infinitely sustainable.

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ryn2
6 minutes ago, Verylongdryspell said:

Isn't it possible that I could find a way to get her to agree with me that separation is the right thing to do?  

It’s possible but, if she’s reasonably happy and comfortable, unlikely.  Splitting up has clear, appealing, tangible benefits for you whereas for her - especially if the relationship is pretty good except for the secual

mismatch - it’s probably largely negative.  It’s asking a lot of someone to willingly, even happily offer up something that’s quite bad for them because it’s good for you.

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Serran

A split can be amicable without her being on board. But, if you want to try, then try. However, it sounds like a waste of time, honestly. For her, it doesnt sound like you are her room mate and brother. Asexuals can still feel strongly romantically in love and not want sex. She can still feel all the same strong bonds down to her core, just it doesnt come out in sexual energy. But, doesn't mean she isn't strongly attached. And it doesnt sound like she has any positives to leaving the marriage. It is hard to be on board, the most I would hope for is grudging acceptance that you are done. 

 

As for the cheating..  yeah it happens but it is still a big deal. And for her, probably something that feels shameful and embarrassing. She probably has guilt over being unlike other women, feelings of low self esteem for not being enough, etc. Telling others about a person being asexual before they are ready to be out is kind of like someone telling you a huge, personal, taboo secret like a fetish everyone finds distasteful and then you turn around and tell people you know "Yeah I cant be with this person, they are disgusting, you know what they are into?!?"... 

 

Which that isnt how you meant it, but that can be how it feels to the person who had the secret you just blabbed without permission. Like the person you trusted most just betrayed and bad mouthed you in the worst way to the people probably both of you care about. Hence anger. 

 

Its ok to live honestly. But, sometimes people let you know them and trust you wont share that info. I am totally open about myself, but there are some things my spouse wants kept secret so i cant be open about her, or that would rightfully hurt her. 

 

But. You have told her you want a divorce and you did tell her you had an affair. And that you outed her to your family. So, its up to her to decide what to do with these things. Sounds like shes opted for forgiving, which isnt what you want anyway. 

 

Hopefully in the end you two can split with minimal hassle. 

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