legume Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 Hi all. Thanks for all the replies. You all had very good advice and I've learned a lot. I'm a bit embarrassed and feel kinda gross about myself regarding the original post after some of the things you all brought to light. I've had a perspective shift; as I said, I'm continuing to learn more and more about asexuality. I need to do a ton of thinking and seriously reconsider things. I definitely still want to be in a relationship with her no matter what, sex or no. I guess sex just isn't meant for this relationship. Thank you all again for your honesty and your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 You sound like a very sensitive guy, Legume. I'm an asexual who had sex with sexuals for a pretty long time, before I knew anything about asexuality as a thing, and once I knew, I determined I'd always been asexual. I think the important thing is to ask her if she's willing to try sex. She indicated to you that she might "in the future", but that doesn't necessarily mean 3 months into a relationship, and I'm assuming that since you're about 17, she's no older than that. Have that conversation with her knowing that she could indeed say no, or later, or the future, or anything. She will also probably not want to disappoint you, so there will be some pressure on her when you ask. Know also that if she is willing, she may find it unpleasant. Think before you ask her whether you would still want a relationship with her if she doesn't want sex, or doesn't want to continue to have it once she tries it. Link to post Share on other sites
roland.o Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 2 hours ago, legume said: I understand how awkward and weird losing one's virginity can be as a sexual, so for an asexual I realize it might be even more so. Sounds like you're planning straight for penetration, the PiV type of sex? Doesn't that seem a bit rushed to you? There's a lot of intermediate ground to cover between here and there. Cuddling and petting, sleeping in the same bed, with gradually less clothing involved. Stimulating eachother, or eachself in the presence of the other. My advice is to take things further gradually, stretched over weeks or months. Discuss in advance what exactly she's willing to try, and afterwards whether she liked it and whether she's interested in repeating it (which are two different questions). Maybe filling out lists could help? http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist Link to post Share on other sites
legume Posted December 25, 2018 Author Share Posted December 25, 2018 4 hours ago, roland.o said: Sounds like you're planning straight for penetration, the PiV type of sex? Doesn't that seem a bit rushed to you? There's a lot of intermediate ground to cover between here and there. Cuddling and petting, sleeping in the same bed, with gradually less clothing involved. Stimulating eachother, or eachself in the presence of the other. My advice is to take things further gradually, stretched over weeks or months. Discuss in advance what exactly she's willing to try, and afterwards whether she liked it and whether she's interested in repeating it (which are two different questions). Maybe filling out lists could help? http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist Got it. I guess I'm uneducated on the whole sex thing as well. Perhaps I'm being a bit rash in my thinking. She enjoys making out rather sensually, so perhaps that is a good starting point. Thanks for the link and the advice! 6 hours ago, Sally said: You sound like a very sensitive guy, Legume. I'm an asexual who had sex with sexuals for a pretty long time, before I knew anything about asexuality as a thing, and once I knew, I determined I'd always been asexual. I think the important thing is to ask her if she's willing to try sex. She indicated to you that she might "in the future", but that doesn't necessarily mean 3 months into a relationship, and I'm assuming that since you're about 17, she's no older than that. Have that conversation with her knowing that she could indeed say no, or later, or the future, or anything. She will also probably not want to disappoint you, so there will be some pressure on her when you ask. Know also that if she is willing, she may find it unpleasant. Think before you ask her whether you would still want a relationship with her if she doesn't want sex, or doesn't want to continue to have it once she tries it. Ah yeah. I understand that she could say no, I've always recognized that as an option. I didn't really consider that just asking her could put pressure on her; I'd hate if it did. I also didn't really consider the "in the future" part. I guess I was looking at it from from a more sexual viewpoint, as to a sexual teen that sounded like a short while away, but perhaps to her it means several years into the relationship. I think I'll hold off a little longer on this conversation then, until I'm sure I'll be able to talk about it in a way that is completely pressure-free for her, and we're both completely on the same page about the issue. As I said before, I went into this relationship knowing she was asexual, and back then I thought that meant sex was completely out of the picture. I really do love her, and, at least for the time being, having sex means nothing compared to that. If I had to choose between sex and her it would be her 112% of the time. I guess I have a lot to think about. Thank you both so much for your replies, they really helped! Link to post Share on other sites
nanogretchen4 Posted December 25, 2018 Share Posted December 25, 2018 If she is asexual, she doesn't actually want to have sex. It may be a compromise she is willing to make, in order to maintain a mixed orientation relationship, but she doesn't want it. Stop and think about what that means. Do you want to have sex with someone who is not into it? Do you want your first time to be with someone who is making a grocery list in her head and hoping it will be over soon? Do you want your first time to be with someone you can't please sexually no matter what you do? I do not think you should try to lose your virginity with this girlfriend. Date her for as long as you are both enjoying the relationship, abstinence and all, but sex is something you should save for someone who actually wants it. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 26, 2018 Share Posted December 26, 2018 19 hours ago, legume said: Hiya. I tend to ramble so skip this next paragraph if you don't care about details. New here, as mentioned in the title. I'm a male senior in high school, sexual (with a decently high sex drive), and a virgin. My girlfriend is asexual and we've been dating for over three months. She's the first girl I've ever been in love with. We were friends for a while before that, so we're really close and comfortable with each other. I knew she was asexual before the relationship, but I still didn't really understand it. After we started dating I did a ton of research, and, like I said, we're really close, so if I ever have any questions she's always down to answer. This forum's been a ton of help. Until now, sex hasn't really been discussed in our relationship (I didn't think it was a possibility at first, she corrected me on that), although she has told me (in a sort of indirect way) that she would be down to have sex in the future. I'm planning on asking her about starting to have sex, and discussing a compromise. Any advice on how to go about it sensibly and sensitively? And, beyond that, any advice on the actual sex part (keeping in mind it's my first time as well)? I want to make the experience as accommodating/comfortable/enjoyable for her as possible. I don't even necessarily care about whether or not I get pleasure out of it the first few times. I understand how awkward and weird losing one's virginity can be as a sexual, so for an asexual I realize it might be even more so. I want to make sure it isn't a burden on her. It should be just another way for us to connect as a couple, because sex is supposed to be an emotionally and physically connective experience for both partners. I want her to be completely comfortable and, if she can (?), to enjoy the experience as well. I love her a ton, and I would never forgive myself if I overstepped any bounds or harmed her or our relationship in any way. Any advice is appreciated, as well as any corrections to the way I phrase or talk about things. I'm new here, still learning, trying to be as sensitive as possible. Thanks! Sex is not supposed to be something special, when she is asexual. Perhaps she will enjoy some. Perhaps she will agree on a plan to give you a sex life with her. If she is asexual, then she will never really need it with you. You need to figure out, if you want her more than you want/need sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 On 12/26/2018 at 12:06 AM, MrDane said: I'm a male senior in high school ...My girlfriend is asexual Move on. It'll spare you a lot of banging your head against a wall. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said: Move on. It'll spare you a lot of banging your head against a wall. Well, well, well....I remember giving that advice, but it took a while. Glad it's been taken at last!😁 Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 7 minutes ago, chandrakirti said: Well, well, well....I remember giving that advice, but it took a while. Glad it's been taken at last!😁 Yeah, well, some things just take some building up to.... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 'Oh wad some pow'r the giftie gie us - tae see oorselves as ithers see us'...good old Robert Burns! Link to post Share on other sites
Telecaster68 Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 29 minutes ago, chandrakirti said: 'Oh wad some pow'r the giftie gie us - tae see oorselves as ithers see us'...good old Robert Burns! I heard that quoted (not at me) somewhere else recently. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Jetsun Milarepa Posted December 28, 2018 Share Posted December 28, 2018 It's my mother tongue - I've grown up with Burns. He was a visionary. Link to post Share on other sites
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