How to ask for more

[Pappeh]

Hi everyone! Prior to my question, a quick summary:

My wife is asexual and we have worked really hard to get to a place where we're both incredibly happy. We want to be with each other. We enjoy cuddling and have established what my wife feels comfortable with right now in terms of touch/intimacy. I can honestly say that since we shifted the focus of our marriage away from "well how do we make sex work?" we have vastly improved in all other areas of our relationship. However, I would like to have the conversation with her about whether we can increase the amount of intimacy we share, whether that's moving from cuddling with clothes to cuddling with less clothes, or a smaller move to something like more passionate kissing than we currently do. Or maybe she's not ready to make any changes to the level of intimacy we share. I'm just not sure the best way to broach the topic, because I feel like it disrupts this peace we've finally created where she doesn't feel any pressure to be sexual. I wish I knew more about how she feels about sex and intimacy, but I know she's still trying to figure it out herself.  

 

How do I approach this?

[Guest]

Maybe try bringing it up and saying you just want to understand how she feels. Make sure she knows that it isn't a ploy to pressure her into something. 

[ryn2]

Agreed, talking about how she feels about various activities (especially if her feelings are potentially evolving) would probably be a good precursor to asking if more is possible.

 

Once you’ve established that she is - or at least may be - okay with one or more things you aren’t doing presently, you can (ideally in a subsequent discussion, to keep understanding her interests separate from

advancing an agenda) float the idea of adding it/them into your repertoire.

 

Also think, though, about what happens if this is it; if she’s not comfortable adding anything, or if she tries it and decides it isn’t working.

[nanogretchen4]

If you've just got done establishing what she's comfortable with, I think you should stick with that for quite awhile and see if you can live with it. If there's no compromise you can both live with, the marriage might not be viable in the long term. But I don't see how anything good can come of trying to push her boundaries as soon as she has identified them and you've reached some kind of stable peace. I'm not asexual, but if I had just told a guy I was only willing to cuddle with my clothes on and he tried to talk me into cuddling naked, that would not work out well. Not only would I not be comfortable with the naked cuddling itself, I would also have a strong belief that if I gave in he would not stop there and would keep pushing for more and more. I could not feel relaxed and confident with someone who couldn't leave my boundaries alone, so I probably would no longer feel comfortable cuddling with clothes on either.

[SCPDX]

I would focus less on trying to see what more you can get and more on trying to maintain what you have. It was really easy for my averse partner to remove things. It’s impossible for her to bring them back. 

 

 

[Pappeh]

Thanks everyone! I agree, patience seems key here, as does an understanding her feelings before moving forward with anything. I want to make sure she has room to try to understand herself before we push for any changes. 

 

[Evren]

I know several of the people on here who are in mixed relationships, have found that they have the most success in sex/higher intimacy when the asexual is the one in control of the timing. So you talk to each other and say we can compromise by having sex twice a week instead of 5 times a week or whatever. Then the asexual says I really don't want to have sex today but they are ok with it the next day. Or it may be that they don't want to have sex ever, which is a different conversation, but that should be talked about too.

[Scottthespy]

Approaching the topic from a place of mutual understanding is a good place to start. No harm in figuring out YOUR limits and comfort zones while your at it! Depending on how long its been since you 'shifted your focus', you could broach the topic in different ways. Has it been several months and everything's fairly cozy and comfortable? If so something like 'So things have been good since we stopped focusing so much on sex, but I've been wondering lately about how exactly the sex was making you feel. Is it possible to talk about that?'. You can start out by telling your wife that you want to understand and be understood better because that will make your relationship stronger. Open and honest communication always helps in relationships. It'd be good to mention that you also feel the relief that this less sexual lifestyle has brought to your relationship, but you could also say that there are still things your mind wanders to, and you want to talk about them just to figure out where you both stand. This could be important because understanding how some one feels can help you be more comfortable with how to act around them, but it could also lead to a greater emotional intimacy between you two. Opening with a desire to understand her emotional responses better, and offering that you've also been trying to understand your own desires and responses better, could be the start of a conversation that leads you both to understand yourselves and each other on a deeper level, which will lead to more emotional intimacy as a matter of course. 

 

As an important side note, talking about this sort of thing is important for all couples, and people who don't tend to have more relationship problems. True understanding of how some one feels makes it easier to teat them the way they want, because not only are you clear on what they desire, you can also picture what they'll be feeling and know whether or not you'd enjoy feeling that way yourself.

 

 

 

If its only been a few weeks, its probably better not to bring it up yet, since it will probably sound a little like pushing. Spend some time being sure you know your own desires and limits. When you bring it up, it should feel like this is a move made towards a closer relationship, not like you've just been waiting until a 'polite amount of time' before pestering.

[anisotrophic]

Just as you hear how she feels, I think it's worth talking about how you feel -- carefully, but...

She's your partner, this "feelings" thing is a two way street. It's hard to be honest with each other, and make space for that honesty. That includes confessing emotional vulnerability.

You can also start at a more abstract point, almost essentially the question you posed to us: "How do I talk about this with you?"

Like... "It feels like things have been much better. But I wish I could talk about my own experience, and hear more about yours, and I'm worried about how to do that -- because you've seemed so much happier and that means a lot to me."

[Sally]

As an asexual, what you said, OP, makes me feel a bit anxious.  It's like hearing, "Well, we've had a nice comfortable time lately, and it's fun and all, and I'm glad you feel OK about it, but I'm wondering when we can get serious and do stuff I really want to do."   Maybe think about whether that is really what you're feeling before you approach her about it.  Because she'll know what you're really saying.  

[kevinkedar]

have you heard of something like BDSM...you can spice up your sex life with BDSM or if she is not into this as she is asexual, you can try with vibrators? Just a suggestion as I am not expert but this is how things works in long term relationship according to my experience. 

[Sally]

2 minutes ago, kevinkedar said:

have you heard of something like BDSM...you can spice up your sex life with BDSM or if she is not into this as she is asexual, you can try with vibrators? Just a suggestion as I am not expert but this is how things works in long term relationship according to my experience. 

they may work in long-term relationships between two sexuals, but...

[uhtred]

I think that hoping for more can lead to frustration and constant tension. Remember that she is likely hoping for *less*.