I cannot figure out an appropriate label

[GoneForGood]

I don't need it to define me, just to be able to tell others a bit about myself. None that I have found really seem to fit. I am also unsure how much detail to share.

 

I have a complicated history due to how I was raised and due to physical health issues. My upbringing programmed me to be a people pleaser, which has led to a number of abusive situations.

 

I have experienced attractions and even been sexually active, though I regret every sexual partner that I have had. If I could do it all over again I would still be a virgin in my late 50s. Most of the times that I have had sex I was really trying to find affection, many times even negotiating that I would pretty much pay for cuddling by having sex (which normally ended up in my giving the sex up but not getting the cuddling).

 

I was never really as interested in sex as any of my partners. As I have gotten older (and more likely to stand up for myself) I have become even less interested and even a little sickened at the idea of having sex with anyone.

 

It seems possible that I may have started as Greysexual (homoromantic) but have drifted in the direction of sex repulsed Asexual.

[NickyTannock]

When you say that you may have started as Greysexual, what do you mean?

 

 

[GoneForGood]

1 minute ago, MichaelTannock said:

When you say that you may have started as Greysexual, what do you mean?

 

 

Low libido in general, not understanding jokes about sex etc but I have felt attractions and even been willing to have sex with people. It doesn't seem to fit Demisexual since I can find people attractive but most of my life I only really wanted or was willing to have sex with someone if I was already emotionally close to them.

[NickyTannock]

An Asexual can still find people attractive though since there are different kinds of attraction beyond Sexual Attraction, so it sounds like you could have been Asexual all along.

[GoneForGood]

oh, I have heard people say (sometimes insist) that being asexual means not having any attraction at all.

[Guest]

7 minutes ago, MakeLoveNotWar said:

oh, I have heard people say (sometimes insist) that being asexual means not having any attraction at all.

Those people are wrong!! Many asexuals experience different kinds of attraction to other people, even sometimes attraction that may seem sort of sexual in nature, it's just that asexuals have no innate desire to connect sexually with other people (for pleasure) no matter how attractive they may find someone.

[NickyTannock]

That could explain the difficulty you're having finding a label.

The different types of attraction are defined by what they cause you to desire.
Here's a simplified breakdown:
Sexual Attraction makes you desire sex with someone.
Sensual Attraction makes you desire intimate non-sexual contact with someone, like a cuddle.
Romantic Attraction makes you desire a romantic relationship with someone.
Aesthetic Attraction makes you want to appreciate someone aesthetically.

 

The A-, Hetero-, Homo- and Bi- prefixes are added to signify the direction of the attraction.
So if for example, you're Sexually attracted to no one, Sensually attracted to the same sex, Romantically attracted to the opposite sex, and Aesthetically attracted to both sexes, that combination would make you Asexual, Homosensual, Heteroromantic and Biaesthetic.

 

The Demi- prefix can be added to these as well (except the A-) to signify that you only experience the attraction after forming an emotional bond.
So if we take the previous example and say that you only experience say Sensual and Romantic after forming an emotional bond, that would make you Asexual, Demihomosensual, Demiheteroromantic and Biaesthetic.

 

I hope the explanations and examples helped.

[GoneForGood]

11 minutes ago, MichaelTannock said:

That could explain the difficulty you're having finding a label.

The different types of attraction are defined by what they cause you to desire.
Here's a simplified breakdown:
Sexual Attraction makes you desire sex with someone.
Sensual Attraction makes you desire intimate non-sexual contact with someone, like a cuddle.
Romantic Attraction makes you desire a romantic relationship with someone.
Aesthetic Attraction makes you want to appreciate someone aesthetically.

 

The A-, Hetero-, Homo- and Bi- prefixes are added to signify the direction of the attraction.
So if for example, you're Sexually attracted to no one, Sensually attracted to the same sex, Romantically attracted to the opposite sex, and Aesthetically attracted to both sexes, that combination would make you Asexual, Homosensual, Heteroromantic and Biaesthetic.

 

The Demi- prefix can be added to these as well (except the A-) to signify that you only experience the attraction after forming an emotional bond.
So if we take the previous example and say that you only experience say Sensual and Romantic after forming an emotional bond, that would make you Asexual, Demihomosensual, Demiheteroromantic and Biaesthetic.

 

I hope the explanations and examples helped.

This does help, I think then that I am

 

Asexual

Homosensual

Homoromantic and

Homoaesthetic 

 

though I am now in a relationship with someone who is nonbinary and that is making me rethink being only Homo...

[Sweet Dream]

@MakeLoveNotWar

 

Your post is entirely too relatable. For me sex has always been the payment for a romantic relationship. I'm so done with that kind of scenario. It's not healthy. You're not alone. ❤️

[MacAran]

@MakeLoveNotWar A quick note on my observations of common usage: much of the time, you will see people only using one or two of the attraction labels as identifiers just for the sake of simplicity.  So, 90% of the time, I just straight up tell people I'm "asexual" without going into more detail than that, because it's not super relevant most of the time, unless I'm talking to someone I'm interested in romantically, that I am heteroromantic.  On Aven, I list them both because 1) there tends to be a broader understanding in this community, and 2) in my mind, romantic/aromantic tends be a bigger divider of lived experience within the community than hetero/homo/bi/pan.  In my mind, aesthetic and sensual attraction just sort of nests under that "heteroromantic" for most discussion purposes.  Outside Aven (or occassionally Tumblr), saying that I'm "an cis-by-default male asexual heteroromantic demihomosensual, panaesthetic with low libido and *autochroisexual tendencies" would be so much information overload that I'll have lost them before they can even begin to try and relate.    

My point is, you don't have to use all of what describes you all the time.  Sometimes, you may just want to say "I'm asexual" and that totally fits, because there are Aces who are romantics like you and me, and there are Aces who aren't, and being one or the other doesn't alter or diminish the fact that you are asexual.  So, use as few or as many of the labels as you want/feel are necessary or relevant to the situation/and happy with. 

*don't worry about this one, it's not super relevant to the discussion

[Karst]

Labels aren't as important as some people think.  

[Moon6Shadow]

On 12/19/2018 at 9:35 AM, GoneForGood said:

I have experienced attractions and even been sexually active, though I regret every sexual partner that I have had.

I can't label you, your experiences or feelings that is up to you but... when you say you experienced attraction, perhaps you were experiencing sensual attraction (and romantic attraction?) rather then 'sexual attraction'? Running with that assumption you may have always been a '-sensual' rather then a greysexual (someone who desires sex occasionally). So I'm going to second MichaelTannock in thinking you may have always been Acespec (on the Asexual Spectrum).

 

On 12/19/2018 at 11:18 AM, GoneForGood said:

though I am now in a relationship with someone who is nonbinary and that is making me rethink being only Homo...

Some people add an '?' to their labels eg. 'Homo?romantic' which might help with this.

On 12/30/2018 at 8:35 PM, MacAran said:

My point is, you don't have to use all of what describes you all the time.  Sometimes, you may just want to say "I'm asexual" and that totally fits, because there are Aces who are romantics like you and me, and there are Aces who aren't, and being one or the other doesn't alter or diminish the fact that you are asexual.  So, use as few or as many of the labels as you want/feel are necessary or relevant to the situation/and happy with.

There is also Acespec for those who fall under the 'Asexual Spectrum' and might not identify as 'Ace (just Ace)'. (More likely to come up as a labeling confusion issue in community rather then outside the community)

 

As for romance; romance and asexual is considered two different things using the split model so you can be a Romantic Asexual, an Aromantic* Sexual, an Aromantic Asexual or fall under the Asexual and/or Aromantic spectrums somewhere (aka Acespec and/or Arospec). ... or to cut a long story short being on the Asexual Spectrum doesn't mean you can't or don't experience romantic attraction. It's just that typically people tend to lump romantic and sexual attraction in together as one thing. They can also be confusing to untangle so you don't have to worry about that too much aside from the fact that, 'no being an asexual or acespec does not mean you can't feel romantic attraction'.

 

*Aromantic: Doesn't experience romantic attraction.