Looking for advice 🤔⁉

[AmberG]

Hi my name is amber and i really need some advice about my relationship. I have been best friends with my boyfriend for a few years and 8 months ago we discovered that we are crazy in love so started a romantic relationship. Everything is great except for one thing...he never wants to have sex. I will admit i myself am a very sexual person so at first i thought there was something about me he didnt like..but after countless discussions and tears..he recently admitted to me that he has never been very sexual and that is why his past relationships have failed. It hit me then that he is asexual and wow i felt like an ass for putting pressure on him about sex. I love this man dearly and have no doubts that he loves me.. im even learning to adapt to having sex only once or twice a month even.. we are way more important than just sex. What i need advice on is this.. he is a mans man..you know was the quarterback in highschool type... and he feels like there is something wrong with him his whole life...it breaks my heart 😭 i want to help him see there is nothing "wrong" with him but not sure how to even talk to him about it...ex girlfriends called him gay and we live in a tiny town so it got around ..now he supersensitive about being seen as "gay" or even talking about sexuality... so i am afraid that if i talk to him about asexuality and it not being something to be ashamed of i am going to upset him and he will pull himself away from our amazing relationship. Any advice?

[Phie]

I'm not sure how qualified I am to give advice, but I'll try

I feel like finding people he can relate to might be a good start, I've seen quite a few aces on here that have experienced similar things and I think that quite a few asexual people are in loving, happy relationships with sexual partners 

Also, it might be a good idea to get out of that environment you're in if you're able to, travelling or moving to a bigger city can really be helpful for self discovery

I think communication is key, respect his boundries if he doesn't want to talk about it, but make sure he knows you're there for him if he does, just listening to him might already reassure him

 

not sure if that was helpful...

Anyways, I wish you a lot of happiness

[Bio 7]

Well I have no experience with relationships but I would try finding threads on here that might be about his sort of situation. Showing him them and this site might help, it seems to have done for others.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

Since he doesn't know that he's Asexual, he's likely to dismiss it.
The advice that springs to my mind is writing that realisation down in a letter, and including stories from other Asexuals.
You might find this helpful it's a short book on Asexuality that's free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[Guest]

Hi! Welcome to AVEN! I agree with everything said above. Maybe talk to him about it and maybe show him this website? It might help him to be surrounded by people like him and to see that he isn't alone. I wish you the best! 

[Lichley]

Welcome! Honestly, the best thing you can do is support and encourage him. You know it’s not his fault and you love him regardless, so say it to him  

[Spongebill]

I am in the same boat. I have been in 2 long term relationships with asexual men. The first one was 10years and my current one is 7yrs. We’re so close and am secure. I’ve wanted to discuss open relationships for almost 2 decades and have just recently become ready to make my needs known. For so long I have worried that he would reject me for even bringing this up. I felt like he couldn’t possible understand the polar opposite of himself. But, after Reading some threads here it seems the universe may have put us together for more reasons than I ever imagined. It seems like even more perfect than I ever knew. I haven’t spoken to him yet, any advice or pointers? 

[Spongebill]

@AmberG I feel ya. My hubby is the most caring genuine person you will ever meet. Heart of gold. He and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he was 38 and I was 30. This was his first relationship. In the first month or two he couldn’t perform at all. He wanted to. He eventually was able to but he can’t initiate sex. It’s great when we do and I always feel such a connection.  It didn’t bother me at all it was refreshing to meet a fellow gay man who wasn’t only interested in one thing. I was understanding and compassionate about it because I just knew he was special. 7yrs later....I have never felt so connected to another human being. We have a great relationship but there’s just one thing. I don’t feel desirable. I know It’a not his fault and I have never pressured him ever because I do truly understand it.  I’m about to ask to open things up so I can get those needs met on the side. He felt so insecure about this at the beginning that he almost dumped me over it but I fought for him/us hard and he stayed. 7 yrs later I’m so glad that I did. He’s my world! I hope he will understand and not be repulsed by my request.  I have needs too but I can’t imagine life without him. 

[Homer]

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends And Allies

Homer

Moderator Welcome Lounge

[nanogretchen4]

Spongebill, it sounds like you have met two homoromantic asexual men, is that correct? How did you meet them? Were you looking for asexuals, or was that a 1 on 10000 coincidence? 

[uhtred]

There is a wide range in people's levels of sexual desire and I think that sexual compatibility is vital for a happy relationship.   This is not something that is likely to change.