Hetero-romantic / Coming out would betray partner's privacy

[Mollie]

Hello! I'm an asexual hetero-romantic. It's tough.

 

Dream - I fall in love and enjoy a deep romantic bond

 

Nightmare - I have to have sex so the man I love won't leave me

 

I'm currently in love with a sexual man. He's very patient and understanding. He wishes we had sex more often, but he doesn't pressure me. I know it's hard for him though. We've been together almost 3 years. Our romance is wonderful. But the sex side is sad. I understand how he needs sexual connection like I need cuddles, but I can't create that for him. I can have sex, but I cannot create that connection. Sex with me is empty, even though I try to be positive about it on the surface.

 

I haven't come out as asexual because I don't want to betray the privacy of the man I'm in love with. The sexual world is so judgemental. I don't want to announce my asexual orientation and at the same time reveal to his friends and co-workers that his sex life is lame.

 

Can any of you relate to this? 

 

The hetero-romantic asexual combo is just so hard. I want to have a nice, long relationship with this man I love, but it comes at a price: I have to have sex, and I can't be open.

 

Anyway, it is what it is. I don't want to break up. And even if I did, the math indicates it's highly unlikely I'll fall for a fellow ace. I guess I'm mostly just looking for commiseration. Who else in this forum is like me?

 

Thank you 🍰

[anisotrophic]

But he knows, I take it?

 

Have you talked to him about whether he'd be happier or embarrassed or upset if you were out?

 

Because for me, I kind of wish my partner were out, but I understand his hesitation, it's okay that he isn't. My sex life isn't lame, it's just... idk... funny but difficult? Unique. I'm glad he agrees to have sex sometimes and doesn't make me feel ashamed for it. So I do feel like I have a sexual connection, I just hope I'm not too annoying about asking for it.

 

And maybe someone would hit on me, realizing I'm liable to respond. That's be cool! I think? Because I have permission, but no time to exercise the option. And it's not that interesting. I'm mostly attracted to someone I love.

 

Anyways, I'm sure it depends on the partner. You might as well ask him?

 

As for the price of sex, maybe he could do more to make you feel thanked. 😕 I thank my partner a bit profusely at times... But it means so much to me, it's how I experience my own love, so I'm very grateful.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Why would anyone else need to know? Just tell him. He deserves be told, and keeping such big secrets in a relationship is a bad sign.

[Mollie]

Sorry, I failed to clarify: yes, my boyfriend knows I'm asexual. I told him early in our relationship, and Todd from Bojack Horseman explained it. Ha ha

[Philip027]

Quote

I haven't come out as asexual because I don't want to betray the privacy of the man I'm in love with. The sexual world is so judgemental. I don't want to announce my asexual orientation and at the same time reveal to his friends and co-workers that his sex life is lame.

Your/his sex life, quite frankly, isn't any of their business anyway, nor would you saying you're asexual necessarily say anything about the quality of your sex life (even if other people think it does).

 

Society will assume/judge over literally anything.  People, your partner included, just have to grow a thicker skin and tell them to butt out of stuff that isn't any of their business, or otherwise let it simply go in one ear and out the other.

 

Your world will feel a whole lot freer once you just stop giving a shit about what judgmental people who don't really matter to you think about you.

[Tunhope]

In theory, I agree with the 'Who cares what other people think?' idea. I practice, I relate to your concerns totally.  My husband and I have been married a long time. A lot of people my age don't understand asexuality at all and I wouldnt dream of telling most of them that I am ace and he isn't. Even if they could get their heads round the idea, I would worry that they would talk behind his back ( He shouldn't let her get away with it! He should have chucked her years ago!) No, I fully understand your concerns about privacy. 

I would hope, though, that you are a lot younger than I am and that, given the education and visibility and greater ace awareness that is happening now, things will change and that, sometime soon, you won't have to protect your partner in this way.

[Mollie]

 

8 hours ago, Tunhope said:

 

Thanks, @Tunhope 🙂

Also, it's really encouraging to hear that you've been married to your husband a long time. I hope you two are happy together ♥️

 

[anisotrophic]

To follow up a little... specifically my partner worries about how my family would feel, not understanding and be unhappy/upset with him. It's possible you might worry about that too; one can't pick family.

 

Also @Mollie I hope you don't resign yourself to feeling stressed and unhappy about sexual stuff with him. I'm not sure that I have advice... but communication tends to be good, and being happy probably requires a lot of empathy from both partners. But empathy isn't the same thing as self sacrifice!