Asexuality or desensualization?

[RDFab]

20 years old male, virgin (and I don't think it's a problem, there were too much problems in my youth to depress myself over it; pals sometimes laughted at me, although this never convinced me to say "I should go with the first one/with a hooker"). As I said, I had some economical and social problems in my teenager years, so a relationship was the last of my desires (especially because I was afraid to annoy, I did found some aestaticastly pleasing girls but I wasn't interested - and I was distracted by other things). Sometimes I wanted an engagement, at least a romantical/emotional support; I don't mind sex however girls I imagined to fall in love with weren't chosen on "appealing", I honestly don't remember if I ever imagined having sex with them but I definitely confirm it wasn't the first reason of my attraction.

In the meantime, as an ugly duckling during middle/high school, treated as a retarded because physically clumsy (many factors, overweight and a medical slowness of my eyes) I found out porn (maybe 13-14, although I was masturbating, unkwonwingly \lol, since I was a kid) and maybe I became addicted to it, especially in the last year because I did explore categories/fetish sometimes extreme for a common heterosexual guy (futanari/shemale hentai for examples), "normal" porn didn't catch me anymore that much (note: I usually watch the firsts minutes of any porn video I choose, the bare minimum to ejaculate and I lose quickly interest; I'm not attracted by a penis, although for a long time I enjoyed femdom/strapon porn). However masturbation has always being a kind of distress or something made to pass time if I'm bored. I can really go for days or weeks without masturbating. I wasn't interested in relantioship because I repeated myself I wasn't "ready", there were more interesting guys than me, however I don't know if it was a excuse for not wanting to challenge myself.

The fact is that recently I improved myself a lot, through study and fitness, I opened me and I became a social guy with great friends (sorry, I'm usually modest but it's kind of victory towards those who were a real shit with me). Anyway, my terapist says this "relationship block" persists, I'm not so interested in gals irl, they seems more interested in sex than in anything else, although many have showed sort of attraction for me (someone mistook me for gay because I don't want to have sex/I treat girls only as friends)

I stumbled across the definition of asexuality some months ago and I think I can relate (in fact, you could masturbate and be asexual at the same time) however my "porn addiction" obstacles my sexual orientation, maybe I only idolized porn too much that I can't recognize beauty irl (it's not my case, I distinguish persons according to aestatich, however they are all the same for me). I don't what to think, it's not a lifesaving question, I'm only curious, I even developed an intimate friendship with a girl from my university and I really like her (and she's asexual too),

Of course, I don't expect your answers will define my person/my sexual orientation, however if I post the same story in a "no-fap"/broscience forum, they would said me I'm not asexual and I should follow their advices (like this one https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/am-i-asexual/ which honestly seems bullshit)

Thanks in advance! Sorry for being quite rude, I'm not a native speaker ;_;

[NickyTannock]

@RDFab Welcome to AVEN!

 

I think it's more likely that you're Asexual.

In my case, I'm 33, and I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[œddy]

Wow.. That website is.. something. Those testimonials all sound like they are unfulfilled or lacking in some way, I've had similar thoughts that porn 'broke' my sexuality but fundamentally I can't relate to anything on that page. 

 

Anyway welcome! It's a long period of discovery, so good luck 🍰