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Depressed that I am asexual


mazerati18

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Firstly, I am fairly new to this site, and also I am not making this post to offend anyone. I am in second year of University, and growing up I thought that talk about wanting to have sex with people was largely blown up / exaggerated as I didn't really want to do that. Until this September when I realised that after being extremely confused about my sexuality, I discovered asexuality. The only problem is... I really really really don't want to be it. I don't get it myself. I am romantically attracted to boys, and get butterflies when someone who I like messages me, and I do want to kiss/ cuddle / be close to them, but the idea of having sex with them for my pleasure just really doesn't make sense to me. I would do it because them being aroused I would find satisfying, but I would never do it for myself. This has caused me great distress and caused me to become extremely depressed to the point where I have had to take time off University. 

 

The problem is that I want to want sex, and in my head I do want it, but its just the actual act that I don't really care for, albeit I have only had sex with one guy on a one night stand and rly didn't like it ( I wasn't turned on so was just painful). I think I have been like this all my life but am unsure. My mu is very understanding but says either that it is just a phase, or a mental block from my childhood, or a hormonal issue, all of which are possible but in my gut I think it is just lack of sexual attraction to other people.

Having said that I have a fairly high sex drive for a girl, watch porn and masterbate frequently, but the idea of this in real life I find much less satisfying.

 

I really want to be in a relationship and have children but my future just seems doomed for misery :( How on earth am I supposed to meet someone when I don't want sex... only 1% of the population are asexual!!! And the problem is that I don't think I would be fully satisfied without a sexual relationship- I feel like something is missing... it just feels like a huge part of my identity is missing or a dream that I will wake from and be so happy:(

 

Thanks to anyone out there who's read this who can offer advice/ support/ experience.

 

It might also be worth noting that I am having counselling at the Uni and will soon be moving to a different therapist to explore this. 

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I definitely understand your pain. To be honest, sometimes I'm frustrated by being ace because sex seems like an inside joke that everyone in the whole world understands but me. Only 1% of the world is ace but bruh, that's 75 million people who are ace. It's very very possible for us aces to find a partner. I was just about to suggest therapy but it seems you're already seeing a therapist. Yay! At any rate, don't give up hope. Welcome to AVEN! I wish you the best of luck!🌻

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It sounds strange that you want to have a desire for sex if you do not experience it in combination with another person. Maybe there are terms to describe this phenomenon and maybe they help to understand yourself better. Unfortunately, I'm not an expert with all of these labels and they too can hinder...

 

Are you sure that it is not the social pressure that's giving you a hard time? The fact that sexual relationships are deemed as so important that everyone who does not participate is deemed a broken failure???

 

Don't worry too much about your desire for children. I've come across some other aces here who are wondering about the same thing. Adoption or helping out other parents rise their children are just two options you can/could choose. There are aces, too who want kids and are not sex repulsed. Or you can have a relationship with an allo and tak to them about possible "rules" for your sexual lifes like: opening the relationship, setting certain days on which you'll have sex ect.

 

I can feel your oain about there only being 1% that are not even really safely proven. But one thing I got told more than once lately is that you may not become desperate because potential partners can sense this and noone wants to start a pity-relationship. Not searching with a scanner shall help alot and you've said that you can fall in love/ have crushes on others. Which means that you somehow believe in love, right? And everyone who believes eventually found somebody.

 

Maybe checking the/an LGBT-group of your university/town can help. There should be at least one ace to introduce you to other aces. Or you can become the first one. Others will join over time.

 

 

 

And since you're new: Have some cake!

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Hi Mazerati

 

I totally understand how you feel. Sex often isn't pleasant for women, regardless of whether we are asexual or not. We have to feel safe and aroused for our bodies to enjoy sex. In addition to that, not all men are physically compatible with us. If a man is too long, he might bump our cervix and that hurts. If he is circumcised, he might have hair at the base of his penis, and that scratches. If your first experience was unpleasant, don't worry. You're not alone in this.

 

Music and movies lead us to believe that the world of sex is equally enjoyable for men and women, but in reality, 1 in 3 women say intercourse is painful for them. All the articles I've read about this mostly look at what might be wrong with the woman: she must have a hormonal imbalance, she must be stressed, she must have an infection... They don't really explore the woman's sexual partner: his physical compatibility with her and the quality of his relationship with her.

 

Okay, so what does that mean for you? Well, you definitely know you are romantic. So allow yourself to develop a crush. Hang out with the next man you like a whole lot. Spend time together and develop a romantic bond. Don't feel like you need to rush into sex. I know in college you end up meeting horny guys that want to rush in, but there are a lot of sweethearts too that are content to just spend time, you know? If a guy is pressuring you before you're ready, just say No Thanks. It's okay. He can't know when you're ready; only you can know that. A good guy will understand. A jerk face will buzz off. And that's a good thing.

 

Anyway, your romantic relationship could naturally evolve into a sexual one, especially if you've spent so much time together, you really trust each other. If that happens, just observe whether sex hurts or not. If it does, he might need to adjust somehow to make it more comfortable for you. For example, some positions make his penis go in more deeply than others. It's okay to figure that out together. Every couple has the right to design their own relationship. 

 

Regardless, just give yourself permission to be a romantic first. You know you are romantic, so don't worry about the other stuff. Start with what you know. When you have sex again—if you choose to have sex again—it will come about naturally with someone you trust.

 

Anyway, I'm 35 and hetero-romantic like you. I'm definitely asexual, but have fallen in love a few times in my life, and have entered sexual relationships. I'm happy to talk more about how that has played out, but I think it's really important that you discover your unique self, aside from other people's experiences. Give yourself permission to explore your romantic self, and give yourself time and patience to discover your sexual self. All positions on the romantic / sexual spectrum are valid and okay.

 

Best wishes, friend

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nanogretchen4

You seem to have some degree of uncertainty about whether you want partnered sex or not. I say this because you say that you don't think you could be satisfied without a sexual relationship and also that you think you would find another person's arousal satisfying. Under the circumstances I can see why you might want to try dating sexuals a little longer until you are sure what you do or don't want. The problem is, a one night stand won't tell you much, while a more serious relationship will lead to suffering if it turns out that indeed you don't want sex. Maybe let the person you are dating know that you are not sure what you want. Refuse to make any form of commitment and refuse to accept any form of commitment. Take responsibility for breaking things off within three months unless you have a revelation that actually you are heterosexual after all and sex is great. 

 

If your experience instead confirms your asexuality, any future mixed orientation relationships are not the way to go. In mixed orientation relationships one partner's happiness depends on the other partner's unhappiness, and that is a depressing prospect indeed. Asexuals are not broken heterosexuals. Asexuals have a valid minority orientation. Gay people have much better mental health when they live openly, date other gay people, and participate in a supportive gay community. I'm pretty sure a similar strategy will work better for asexuals than trying to imitate and seek validation from heterosexuals.

 

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Let me tell you this. You think being heterosexual will make you happier? No necessarily so! I know many heteros who have such big and messy relationship issues that they're depressed and shitty all the time. They have fights, arguments and dramas and some even tell me that I'm lucky that I'm ace. Look on a hetero dating site and see how many people in their 30's, 40's 50's and 60's who are still looking! Many will die lonely! (sadly)

 

Plus, there are ace people in ace relationships or in mixed relationships. 

 

Are you doomed? not more so than heteros.

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@mazerati18 I don't think you're doomed. There are Asexuals in relationships, not just with other Asexuals but also with Sexuals.

 

 

@Mollie Welcome to AVEN!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

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nanogretchen4

There are asexuals in relationships with other asexuals, which is awesome. There are asexuals who have happy fulfilling lives as singles, which is also awesome. There are some asexuals who are in mixed relationships with sexuals because they did not realize that they were asexual until they were deeply mired in a longterm committed relationship. That's a problem with no easy solution and they just have to do the best they can. But that won't happen to you because you figured out that you may be asexual before diving headfirst into a mixed relationship. Admittedly there are also some asexuals who know good and well that they are asexual and are actively looking for mixed relationships anyway, but you need not follow their example. If you are willing to put in some time and effort, a mutually happy and compatible relationship with another asexual is an achievable goal.

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5 hours ago, MiffKeks said:

It sounds strange that you want to have a desire for sex if you do not experience it in combination with another person. Maybe there are terms to describe this phenomenon and maybe they help to understand yourself better

That seems pretty common among us (romantic) asexuals. That's also how I experience it. If you desire everything of a regular relationship, but lack the one thing that is essential to everyone else in a relationship, why wouldn't you desire this as well? It's a matter of what others desire, not what you desire. I'm not sure whether there is a term to describe this; otherwise I would've used it in my own introduction.

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