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Hello, I'm new and confused


Phie

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Hi, I'm Phie~

 

So, I've recently started wondering whether I might be asexual and I'm kind of going back and forth between "definitely asexual to some extent" and "no way I'm asexual"...

When I first heard about asexuality, I thought it meant that asexuals couldn't fall in love or find people attractive in any way and I thought "well, that's not me, I had a crush once" but after I was in a relationship with someone I did like (although I'm not sure in exactly what way) and really didn't enjoy kissing or touching at all (thinking about it still gives me anxiety sometimes) I felt like I was somehow incapable of love or something... the thing is, I'm not sure if maybe it was just too early for me or I did it wrong or something

When I learned that sexual, romantic, aesthetic and platonic attraction can all be completely separate from each other it just confused me... I can't really believe that there are people who look at someone and go "I would definitely have sex with them" or something like that (not that there's anything wrong with someone wanting that, I just never considered that the majority of people might have thoughts like that every now and again), then again, there seem to be people who don't experience sexual attraction like that and idk...

I definitely feel some kind of attraction to people, but I'm unsure if it's just aesthetic or sexual... I have certain preferences, but a general trend is, that while I like looking at people who look nice, I never feel like seeing them naked (I somehow find clothed people a lot more attractive if that makes sense) or doing anything sexual with them, but that might be because I generally don't know them very well... I just feel like they might have an interesting personality

I have definitely thought about what it would be like to have sex with someone but I can't picture it for some reason, when I fantasize about people it's usually more about taking care of each other and emotional support and such

I used to be really curious about sex and kissing when i was young, but I've started to think that maybe I just wanted to experience what was being depicted in books and films. My "crush" was a boy I used to be friends with (we grew apart because I didn't like how he always seemed to ignore me in front of his male friends). A few girls in my class had a crush on this boy too and my main thought was just "Why? They don't really know anything about him, do they?" I never told anyone about my crush because I was scared of being made fun of. I remember forcing myself to care about things like his eyecolour and such (because in books characters always said their crush had such beautiful eyes) and I kind of made myself think about what it would be like to kiss him, or marry him, I'm not sure if I would have cared about that without media showing me that that was what girls thought about when they had a crush

I just kind of missed talking to him...

 

At some point I also asked myself if I might be pansexual or something because I can very much find girls pretty and then I thought "well, I don't want to sleep with a girl though, I'm probably just jealous or something"

It's just, I'm not really sure what kind of attraction I'm feeling, I just know that I'm 19 now and I still can't picture myself sleeping with someone any more than when I was 10, I like the idea but it feels so... foreign, like something only people who are older and more mature than me do

My problem is that I'm not even sure what sexual attraction feels like, so I don't know if I feel it or not

 

I have probably spent 10 hours in total thinking about what to write here and whether I should post it, but I guess I'm just going to do it...

 

Thank you to anyone who read the entire thing, please tell me what you think :)

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26 minutes ago, Phie said:

I'm not even sure what sexual attraction feels like, so I don't know if I feel it or not

I feel like that's one of the hardest things when identifying as asexual. Because with any other sexuality, it's just who the feelings are directed towards rather than the feelings themself but with asexuality you don't know if what your feeling is sexual attraction or if your confusing it with something else.

But it's okay to not know, and you have all the time In the world to figured it out and I hope aven can help you do that :)

Would you like some cake? It's tradition.

rubber+ducky+shower+10+(Large).jpg

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Maya the Composer
11 minutes ago, Phie said:

When I learned that sexual, romantic, aesthetic and platonic attraction can all be completely separate from each other it just confused me... I can't really believe that there are people who look at someone and go "I would definitely have sex with them" or something like that (not that there's anything wrong with someone wanting that, I just never considered that the majority of people might have thoughts like that every now and again), then again, there seem to be people who don't experience sexual attraction like that and idk...

I was confused by all that, too! I'm still trying to learn the difference between them, and I still can't believe people actually think about wanting to have sex with people on sight. But definitely, sexual attraction can also be thinking someone is "sexy" and "hot," which is completely different than more aesthetic terms like "handsome" and "pretty."  

16 minutes ago, Phie said:

I definitely feel some kind of attraction to people, but I'm unsure if it's just aesthetic or sexual... I have certain preferences, but a general trend is, that while I like looking at people who look nice, I never feel like seeing them naked (I somehow find clothed people a lot more attractive if that makes sense) or doing anything sexual with them, but that might be because I generally don't know them very well... I just feel like they might have an interesting personality

I have definitely thought about what it would be like to have sex with someone but I can't picture it for some reason, when I fantasize about people it's usually more about taking care of each other and emotional support and such

I'm the same way, and it seems, at least from what you said, that you experience more of an aesthetic Attraction. But perhaps you are demisexual if you need to know the person very well (have an emotional bond) first before feeling any sexual attraction? Just throwing that out there. And yeah, I can't picture myself having sex either, but I always think about being in some sort of close relationship with someone that I can tell anything to and who I am the "#1" person in their life. I guess I want the type of relationship my parents have in terms of the emotional bond.

 

And the story you told about your "crush" was very relatable to me as well. I don't really know what advice I can give, given that I am two years younger than you, but just make sure not to stress out too much label's or what kind of attraction you feel. In terms of labels, you can just choose something that fits you now and change it later. In terms of knowing the type of attraction you feel, I'd try putting words to what you feel specifically when you look at certain people. But no matter the type of attraction you may have, platonic, romantic or whatever, if you feel it, try to keep that person in your life. Just live your life and know that like @Chocolatedevil00 said, you have time to figure it out. 

 

Sorry if this was very long... Here's some cake for making it all the way through!  🎂🎂🎂🎂🎂🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰🍰

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Hi and welcome :)

 

Thank you for signing up and sharing a bit about yourself! You've come to the right place -. AVEN is a wonderful community with lots of friendly and supportive folks from all over the planet. A lot of us will be able to relate to your thoughts and feelings :)

 

You might want to kick things off by having a look at Questions About Asexuality, which is a great spot to read about the basics behind the concept. Personally I'm not too fond of "labels" - to me all is well as long as you're happy with who you are and what you feel. Going by what my average sexual folks told me, "sexual attraction" is one of those "You'll know it when you feel it" things.

Then there's Asexual Relationships, which is where we talk about how being asexual (or somewhat close to that) affects your everyday relationships, be them platonic, familial or romantic. If you're up for a chat or a silly game, join us in Just For Fun :D 

 

Take your time to read and explore all the forums and if you have a question, ask away! I hope you'll enjoy your time on here :)

 

german-chocolate-wedding-cake.jpg?w=750

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Welcome to AVEN!

 

The different types of attraction are defined by what they cause you to desire, so if the attraction you're feeling doesn't cause you to desire sex with the person you're attracted to, then it isn't Sexual Attraction.

You might find this often posted image helpful,

zlo2z.jpg

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

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@MichaelTannockthank you~

to be honest, while that image is super helpful for understanding what the different kinds of attraction are in theory, somehow it doesn't help me clarify for myself what exactly it is I'm feeling or not feeling, I guess I'll figure out eventually

 

it was definitely a good idea to join, there are so many nice people here~

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I think you're probably asexual. I agree, there are a lot of really nice people here. 

I don't know how to share cake, so:

 

                  

            ___l____l___

           ::::::::::::::::::

       _______________

      ::::::::::::::::::::::::::

      ________________

 

 

Cake made out of underscores and colons! Those little Ls on top are supposed to be candles.

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Welcome! It’s hard to figure out if you don’t experience sexual attraction because how,do you explain the absence of something you’ve never felt? Take your time to figure things out. There’s no rush for answers :) 

pancakecake.png

@Flute16 you post the URL of a picture into the text box :) 

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4 hours ago, Flute16 said:

I don't know how to share cake, so:

 

                  

            ___l____l___

           ::::::::::::::::::

       _______________

      ::::::::::::::::::::::::::

      ________________

 

 

Cake made out of underscores and colons! Those little Ls on top are supposed to be candles.

You can post images by posting the direct link to an image hosted online, that is the link that ends in the file type.
If done correctly, the forum will automatically display the image before you've submitted the post.

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2p5tqv.jpg

 

:lol:

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@MichaelTannock: I'm not new, but I am confused. I can post images (Flute16) but I don't know how to hide them. I've checked the 'how-to' thread, but nothing that I can see. Can you explain please? Thank you.

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@Tunhope You could highlight the image and then press the 'Spoiler' button (looks like an eye).

 

Like this,

Spoiler

ZWughhv.jpg

 

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