Jump to content

Am I too young to be asexual?


ButterflyBlues

Recommended Posts

ButterflyBlues

Hi! I'm new to this site and I'm currently calling myself demiromantic asexual. I am 15 years old and when I told my mom that I'm asexual, she told me that I was too young to know because I haven't had sex yet, and that she believed everyone deserves love. I just kinda said that I was unsure and I was young, but now I'm pretty positive that I'm asexual. I think I'm sex repulsed? I'm not really sure what that means but if I imagine sex scenes I start dry heaving and I can't wear a tampon and I start crying because the feeling grosses me out. Is there any way I can explain this to my mom so that she understands? Or am I still to young to know because I haven't had sex yet? (sorry if my grammar is bad, I don't really feel like proofreading this too many times)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

First of all, asexual does not mean no love. Asexual only means that you don't want sex involved in your romantic relationship. Well, it technically means no innate desire for sex at all, but that would include in a romantic relationship, and asexuals do have romantic relationships. And even aromantics get love, it's just not a romantic kind of love. Sometimes, they still form lifelong partnerships, dedicating to one person (called a quasiplatonic relationship) - it's just not romantic. So her concern about everyone deserving love is already taken care of - asexuals get love just like anyone else. 

 

And it depends what you mean by "too young". If you mean you might change your mind at some point, then yes - some people develop sexual attraction as late as their thirties. So until you are 40 years old, you can't say with 100% certainty that you are permanently asexual. But obviously, it's ridiculous to avoid using the label that long. So generally, if you are old enough that your peers are experiencing sexual attraction and you are not, then you can use the label. Do keep an open mind and remember that the younger you are, the more likely you are to change your mind later. And while you don't HAVE to have sex in order to know whether you like the idea or not, it is generally a good idea to do some safe experimentation (though I'd wait until you were out of high school for that) and see what you may or may not like. 

 

There are different ways of viewing sex that can apply to sexuals AND asexuals. Someone can be sex-friendly, meaning they enjoy it when it happens (whether they ever actively want it or not), sex-indifferent, meaning they don't really care one way or another - they don't enjoy it, but they might still do it for the purpose of having kids or because their partner likes it, and sex-aversed, meaning they don't personally want to have sex for any reason. Then there is another set of viewpoints regarding sex in general (not just for you personally): you can be sex-positive, which means you support the inclusion of sex and sexual concepts in society (like in songs and movies and such), sex-neutral, which means you don't care if sex is included in society, or sex-repulsed, meaning you can't even stand other people referencing sex in your vicinity without being negatively impacted. And again, you could be sex-aversed or even sex-repulsed, and still not be asexual. 

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

As long as you understand what sex is and stuff, I wouldn't think you're too young. I'm almost 17 and know im ace, so, lol.

Link to post
Share on other sites

you are post-puberty, you understand sexual attraction, therefore you can ID as whatever sexual orientation you feel fits best, Including Asexual.

You do not need to try sex, or to experiment sexually to validate your identity. If a lesbian does not need to try sex with a man to know her orientation then why would an ace have to try sex at all?

 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, Sweet Potato said:

You do not need to try sex, or to experiment sexually to validate your identity.

Just to clarify - I do agree 100% with this! The experimentation is not for the purpose of validating anything. I recommend experimentation (after high school!) because you might be surprised what you find that you like - things aren't always what they seem when you imagine them. In fact, it is perfectly possible to enjoy sexual acts and still be asexual (asexuality is about whether you ever actually crave those interactions yourself, not about whether you enjoy them). But since labels can limit us, I do suggest experimenting every so often regardless of how you identify, just to make sure you're not missing out on anything that you might enjoy just because the asexual stereotype says you might not like it. ;) Experimentation is important, but not for validating your orientation. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
FerlynnGoldbeard

Nah. I knew I was asexual when I was 12 (though I called in something different until I was 17 since I didn't know the proper terminology). Now I'm 21 and still feel the same. I have no sexual desire, and no reason to have sex. Whatever feels best with you now is probably best. If you realize that you're something different later down the road, then it's no fault to you. We live by our experiences. If you realize that you still feel asexual later on, then wonderful. If not, then it's equally wonderful. However you choose to identify now is great. If your identity changes as you gain more life experiences, then it's all part of the ride, isn't it? What's important is that you're happy with who you are now. No one else's opinion about you should matter more than your own.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I realised that I'm Asexual in my early teens, around 14.

Your feelings might change in the future, but I don't think you're too young to know.

You could try showing this to your Mum, http://www.whatisasexuality.com/family-and-friends/parents/

And here is a short book about Asexuality that is free to read online, http://www.asexualityarchive.com/book/

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

ZWughhv.jpg

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
11 hours ago, OptimisticPessimist said:

Sex repulsed can be that someone is repulsed by sex itself as well as in media, or that they are repulsed by themselves having sex. 

I personally use the distinction that sex repulsion is generalised (a general feeling of discomfort, distress, disgust about any sex) and sex aversion is self-related. I'm sex-averse, but not sex-repulsed, meaning that I'm generally indifferent to other people's sex, it doesn't gross me out (I can even enjoy having third-person fantasies), but the idea of personally having sex feels like something I simply would be psychologically unable to go through.

(However, I'm thinking about creating a large, TW-assisted poll about different forms of sex aversion and repulsion. I find the distinction between sex aversion and sex repulsion very useful, but still there's more to that, people can be distressed by different kinds of sexual stimuli. For example, I have a much stronger negative reaction to "hierarchical sex".)

 

And now to the OP's question.

It isn't impossible that your feelings might change. But for me, personally, it seems probable that you are indeed asexual and likely to remain this way. I base my judgement, first of all, on the feelings towards having sex which you have described. It's more than simple lack of interest (which seems relatively more likely to change, in such cases not so few people could indeed develop sexual feelings later), it involves an active sex aversion or even repulsion.

And because of this, to be honest, one word used by you bothers me.

12 hours ago, ButterflyBlues said:

Or am I still to young to know because I haven't had sex yet?

If you feel intensely uncomfortable about the idea of having sex, you actually shouldn't have sex. If your feelings change later, that's a different thing and you could decide to give it a try (or you always may decide not to have sex anyway). But if you feel grossed out even by trying to use a tampon, attempting to have sex would equal self-harm.

Sex is not something inevitable that "just happens". You are in control. You have a full right to decide what happens to your body. If you decide to pursue a relationship, you still have a right to decide that you don't want sex to be a part of that relationship (that said, a potential partner also has a right to decide that they don't feel able to be in a fully sexless relationship - but it doesn't mean that you would "owe them sex" or that you should pay with your comfort for the prospect of keeping a partner). If you decide to never have sex, this decision should be respected as well.

I believe in personal choice and personal responsibility. In fact, I also believe that people have a right to make choices which aren't good for them. But at the most general level: I don't think that it's a good idea for sex-averse people to have sex. Some may still decide to push through their discomfort and try it - it's all within their rights because it's a matter of personal responsibility. But people who are sex-averse and decide never to try sex, never to check if there isn't perhaps a minuscule chance that they could actually like it, have a right to make their decision without being shamed. They shouldn't be told that they are "unadventurous", that they are "missing out" (nobody has and nobody ever will have every experience possible, in fact - and this is a concept philosophical to the point of being existentially terrifying [but still, some existential terror is not a bad thing] - the spectrum of possible experience is infinite) , that they should be "more open to experience". Everyone has a right to decide what experiences to pursue and which to give up and sex should lose its privileged position of being seen as something that everyone should try.

Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere

Plus, a little post scriptum because I just didn't know how to integrate it well with the previous post (and, in fact, I can use its fragments to strengthen my points). But still, I consider that one more important.

12 hours ago, ButterflyBlues said:

when I told my mom that I'm asexual, she told me that I was too young to know because I haven't had sex yet, and that she believed everyone deserves love.

Of course everyone deserves love. But first: it's with all likelihood not as if you haven't experienced love. Familial love is love too.

And, first of all: love doesn't equal sex. If a person desires a romantic relationship, but not sex, they have a right to seek this very combination. As I have said: if you feel uncomfortable with the idea of having sex, it would be appalling to suggest that you should pay with sex for the right to be in a relationship. If you want to pursue a relationship, you have the right to decide and to pursue only the options which feel comfortable for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ButterflyBlues
1 hour ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I personally use the distinction that sex repulsion is generalised (a general feeling of discomfort, distress, disgust about any sex) and sex aversion is self-related. I'm sex-averse, but not sex-repulsed, meaning that I'm generally indifferent to other people's sex, it doesn't gross me out (I can even enjoy having third-person fantasies), but the idea of personally having sex feels like something I simply would be psychologically unable to go through.

This helps me a lot! I think the word I was looking for is sex-averse, other people having sex, and sex in songs doesn't gross me out but the idea of me personally having sex does.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere
2 hours ago, ButterflyBlues said:

This helps me a lot! I think the word I was looking for is sex-averse, other people having sex, and sex in songs doesn't gross me out but the idea of me personally having sex does.

Well, I have to reserve that not all people use these words in the same way and there is a lot of discussion about what is the difference between "sex-averse" and "sex-repulsed". I may have stuck to this interpretation because I think it's the first one I have seen explained. But I also consider it most useful because... well, the difference between "I don't think that I would be comfortable with having sex", "I feel really anxious about ever having sex" and "I'd rather eat a bug than have sex" seems, in a way, "quantitative" to me. Not in the literal sense - hence the quotation marks - but it is still something like a varying "quantity" of discomfort. Whereas, the difference between feeling a generalised aversion - aka sex repulsion - and feeling repulsed by the idea of personally having sex and indifferent towards sex in general feels more "qualitative", more substantial.

I usually take care to explain it in case there is doubt, because I wouldn't want sex aversion to be seen as a relatively mild dislike, some kind of "I'd rather not" instead of a firm "No way I'd have sex". I feel a need to emphasise that my preference for identifying as sex-averse is also a way of saying "I'm not sexually available, not even to a potential partner". But I don't feel comfortable with identifying as sex-repulsed if I don't feel any generalised repulsion towards sex as long as it doesn't involve myself. It would seem kinda hypocritical to claim being sex-repulsed and yet enjoy having third-person fantasies...

Link to post
Share on other sites
secrethamster

You are not too young to know, but it is still possible your identity could change with time. Feel free to use the term asexual and change labels in the future if you need to.

 

You do not need to try sex to know you don't want it. Asexuals can still love, both romantically and platonically, and be loved in return.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

I personally use the distinction that sex repulsion is generalised (a general feeling of discomfort, distress, disgust about any sex) and sex aversion is self-related. I'm sex-averse, but not sex-repulsed, meaning that I'm generally indifferent to other people's sex, it doesn't gross me out (I can even enjoy having third-person fantasies), but the idea of personally having sex feels like something I simply would be psychologically unable to go through.

I use the same definition. I am somewhere between sex neutral and averse. but not repulsed.  I have occasional 3rd person fantasies, I don't mind sexual mentions or imagery. but when it comes to me participating it's a case of I would really rather not, but if we have to, I might be convinced but I won't enjoy it

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...