potatobae Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Earlier today I was alone with my thoughts and I freaked out when I had this sudden epiphany that I mostly only want the 'pan' part of pansexual. I can find people attractive and in most cases, in theory, anything sexual isn't bad but I don't ever have the overwhelming desire to tap that. But then sometimes the thought of sex is just really unappealing to me too? Sometimes the thought of just making out is really disgusting? But also sometimes I look at someone and I would be fine doing whatever they asked of me, as long as they don't give me sexual favors back? Maybe just a cuddle and lots of non-tongue related kisses?? Like I said though, most the time people are hot and the idea of sex is perfectly okay and I don't even know that any of this makes sense, I'm just curious and also confused. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kaira Aitken Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 panromantic - desire for the romance aspect. pansensual - desire sensual contact like intimate skin touching, kissing, intimate cuddles, but you don't desire for it to lead to sexual acts, like the touching of the private areas, oral sex, or penetration, or having the partner use sex toys on you. As well as vice versa, like you don't desire for it to lead to you giving the oral sex, touching the private parts etc. For example, kissing the neck is a sensual act, not a sexual one. pansexual - desire for sensual contact with the idea that this sensual contact is a lead up to sex/interested in the sex itself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Hmm, I wonder whether @Ficto. might also be able to help. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Oh I get you on feeling like making out or 'doing sexual stuff' with the vast majority of people (even ones you find attractive) can be a pretty unappealing idea. I have to really, really like someone (on an emotional and mental level) before I can actually want any of that kind of thing, and that's no matter how attractive they are to me. 3 hours ago, potatobae said: Like I said though, most the time people are hot and the idea of sex is perfectly okay and I don't even know that any of this makes sense, I'm just curious and also confused. Are you saying that there are specific hot people who you could desire and enjoy sexual intimacy with, as long as they don't 'do' sexual things back to you? I don't like having anything done to my own genitals (I actually can't enjoy the sensations) but with the right person I can desire to give them oral and do other sexual/sensual things just not involving my own genitals being stimulated by that person. Would you say you feel that way, or more that you'd give them sex if they wanted it but that you'd be happiest without it and actually prefer to have intimacy with them that doesn't involve sex? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 15, 2018 Share Posted December 15, 2018 Physical attractiveness doesn't mean a thing to me, I consider myself the ugliest on this planet. So, I just really want a kind person to be with. Same interests. Same way of thinking.. (Although considering my diagnosis... that might be a bad idea... lol) If I find that... to me it's the person. I don't have a need for romantic things, I'm not repulsed by them. Kissing is a no though, maybe a peck I can see happen. But cuddles and lots of hugging... BUT, I still consider femininity to be preferred by me... I don't know, because it's easier to connect... So a feminine guy, might as well be part of it. Masculinity, repulses me. I don't think that makes me pan... BUT I can see pan as ... "It's the person that counts, inside... Not whatever shell they are occupying." And as Ficto said... It's that emotional bond. And it takes a loonnnggg time for me to create. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
potatobae Posted December 17, 2018 Author Share Posted December 17, 2018 @Ficto. I think I sat here confusing myself more trying to answer your questions before realizing I just didn't really word the first post very well like a fool, ahhhhh. There are periods of time in my brain that I can and do desire sexual intimacy with someone, anyone, as long as they aren't giving me sexy touches back. There are also periods of time where I would say I'm not feeling it, but saay still be willing to help a partner out if they asked, and then sometimes sexual anything is completely unappealing, where all I'm taking and all I'm giving is cuddles. I still don't wanna make out with anybody, I don't want my bits poked at, and (i think???) i don't only feel desire towrds certain people, it's just that my urges and desires towards others change a lot? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AcornCarvings Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I think I get where you're coming from with some of that. Sometimes I'd be cool doing things that other people would want as long as it doesn't involve my own body all too much, and other times, I'm really not wanting anything at all. I don't like making out, often times I really like cuddles, I don't want anything involving my bits. I find it really hard to figure out what I am feeling and what my desires are, this sort of stuff is too complicated to really be able to easily draw clear lines for me. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Peepy Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 On 12/15/2018 at 6:05 AM, Ficto. said: you'd give them sex if they wanted it but that you'd be happiest without it and actually prefer to have intimacy with them that doesn't involve sex? This is one of the reasons I’m confused too. As well as this, I don’t enjoy kisses/would rather have other physical affection (cuddles for example), and don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, but I’m indifferent/okay with having sex or doing sexual things for that reason. I’m wondering if that means I’m grey-A, but I don’t know. Especially since I have a libido (low to non existent most of the time, but rises due to menstruation- tmi? Sorry lol). any help would be appreciated, because I really want another person’s experience/opinion on this. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 8 hours ago, Peepy said: This is one of the reasons I’m confused too. As well as this, I don’t enjoy kisses/would rather have other physical affection (cuddles for example), and don’t feel sexual attraction to anyone, but I’m indifferent/okay with having sex or doing sexual things for that reason. I’m wondering if that means I’m grey-A, but I don’t know. Especially since I have a libido (low to non existent most of the time, but rises due to menstruation- tmi? Sorry lol). any help would be appreciated, because I really want another person’s experience/opinion on this. I can only reply very quickly as I have to rush out the door, but asexuality, at its core, means you don't innately desire sexual intimacy for your own pleasure, if that makes sense? So there are plenty of aces who might be okay giving sexual stuff for the sake of their partner, but they have no active desire to actually do those things for themselves and if the partner didn't want them, the ace wouldn't feel like something is missing from intimacy without those sexual actions, does that make sense? Whereas a sexual person will feel like something is missing from intimacy if sexual stuff isn't involved. An ace couldn't care less that the sexual stuff isn't there and could actually be just as happy (probably MORE happy) to have the love/companionship/sensuality without the sexual stuff. Aces can and still do give that stuff because someone else wants it though, like to try to make the other person happy or whatever. Some hate it and can't ever do it, but some don't mind giving, and some claim to enjoy the sensations though I think it's a fine line here between actively enjoying the sensations of sex and actively desiring more of it for your own pleasure. But yeah as long as you don't innately desire any of that for your own pleasure and could be 100% happy without it if the partner didn't want it, that's still plain old asexual Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Peepy Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 1 hour ago, Ficto. said: I can only reply very quickly as I have to rush out the door, but asexuality, at its core, means you don't innately desire sexual intimacy for your own pleasure, if that makes sense? So there are plenty of aces who might be okay giving sexual stuff for the sake of their partner, but they have no active desire to actually do those things for themselves and if the partner didn't want them, the ace wouldn't feel like something is missing from intimacy without those sexual actions, does that make sense? Whereas a sexual person will feel like something is missing from intimacy if sexual stuff isn't involved. An ace couldn't care less that the sexual stuff isn't there and could actually be just as happy (probably MORE happy) to have the love/companionship/sensuality without the sexual stuff. Aces can and still do give that stuff because someone else wants it though, like to try to make the other person happy or whatever. Some hate it and can't ever do it, but some don't mind giving, and some claim to enjoy the sensations though I think it's a fine line here between actively enjoying the sensations of sex and actively desiring more of it for your own pleasure. But yeah as long as you don't innately desire any of that for your own pleasure and could be 100% happy without it if the partner didn't want it, that's still plain old asexual thank you! this really helped 😊 one last question if anyone can help: what does it mean if i don't like/care about kissing and it does nothing for me a majority of the time? does that fit into the asexuality thing or is it something else? thank you ^^ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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