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i don’t know whether i want to kiss my girlfriend or not?


illuminezra

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Okay so i have a girlfriend, she’s beautiful and smart, she’s kind and funny and she likes me for some reason. she’s my first girlfriend and i really really like her, but i don’t know if i want to kiss her or not. obviously i’ve never kissed anyone before, and if i were to kiss someone, she would be it but i’m just not sure if that’s something i’d be comfortable with. see, on one hand my mind is telling me that i can’t know whether i would be okay with it or not because i haven’t ever done it, and on the other hand, i keep thinking about how it makes me feel kinda icky? there are days when i feel like i would be okay with kissing her, but then there are days when i’m repulsed by even the idea of touching mouths to another human being. am i crazy? is this normal? i don’t know!!! sometimes i just want to kiss her to get it over with and then know once and for all whether i’m into it but the lead up gives me such bad anxiety and even thinking about doing the actual act of kissing makes me grossed out and uncomfortable most of the time. help???

 

(16 year old / they + them / panromantic)

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Don't worry, that's totally fine! I have friends who are touch repulsed and kiss repulsed, and it's totally fine for that opinion to change for day to day. Also, don't feel pressured to kiss! Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you need to constantly be kissing and snuggling. If you really feel like you don't want to, there's no need to. I promise you, she won't mind if you guys love each other like that. Take it slow, and stay calm :)

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My first piece of advise would be to talk about it with your girlfriend. The most important part of any relationship is clear and open communication, especially regarding physical intimacy. Tell her how you feel, and you can work through it together.

My other piece of advice is an "embodying yes" exercise that sounds very hippie new-age-y, but I have found to be very helpful. It works best if you have someone else ask you questions, but you can do it with yourself. First, clear you mind and relax, like if you were meditating. Start with questions that you know the answer to, like "how do you feel about puppies?" "do you have work to do?" and that type of thing to give you a baseline. Don't answer those questions, feel how your body reacts. For me, there is a very clear positive and negative response in my body. Then move on to trickier questions, like "do I want to kiss her" and really listen to your body. You most likely know what you want, but are overthinking it. Letting go of what you think you want and letting yourself tell you what you actually want is hard, but I found this exercise helps for me. I hope it does for you too!

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Refrain yourself from thinking about it day in day out, as it only puts you in a repetetive cycle. I'd advise you to close yourself off from other thoughts and surroundings (concentrate!) and subsequently attempt to succesively situate yourself into scenarios in which it could occur. Try to do this on days  "you think you'd be okay with it". Then focus on the imagined scenarios in which you were okay with it (or even liked it!) and potentially attempt to put yourself into one of those IRL. If you don't find such a scenario, don't pressure yourself, try to come to terms with it and act based upon it. Stop overthinking it and don't attempt to do something you'd be uncomfortable with. You should realize you could be worrying about something that isn't going to happen anyway; maybe she doesn't even like it herself. If it still doesn't work, you keep worrying about it and/or you're (e.g.) afraid she might initiate a kiss herself, try to talk with her about it.

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