The Neverending Journey of Self-Discovery and Contextualizing It via Hindsight

[catkid]

Or as I like to call it, "Hindsight is 20/20".

I would first like to say, I have absolutely no idea why I'm posting about this other than its something that's been on my mind. Currently, I identify as non-binary. As you can probably guess, it hasn't always been that way. My family doesn't know. It's not that I'm ashamed or I'm afraid of rejection. I'm lucky enough to have a family that accepts me in any form I'm happiest. Mainly, it has to do with my crippling fear of commitment and permanent decisions. It's a very strange thing. I use "non-binary" as a general term, simply because I haven't found something more fitting yet. It feels comfortable. It feels right, like a jacket you've had for so long, it's shape and weight are second nature. Yet, the idea of conveying that to my family and them changing their behavior around me truly frightens me. I'm not comfortable with change. I've always known being referred to by binary pronouns didn't feel quite right, but I couldn't articulate it until I was almost 18. I remember as a child (here comes the hindsight I spoke about), I would sit in class and daydream about being able to split myself into two people. One was binary male and the other binary female. It was two people, but they were both me. They could fuse together into one person, and I could shift back and forth and sometimes in between. I felt physical longing to have this power, to change my body to whatever kind felt most right at that given moment. So, when I was 16, I discovered genderfluidity. I thought, this must be it. I spoke to genderfluid individuals, feeling elated to share with someone who was like me. However, many of the individuals I spoke with described feelings I couldn't quite connect with. My longing to change my physical make up at will was just that. Something physical. I never felt a deep connection with "he" or "she". I wanted the physical change, but not the binary assigned to them. In my tireless search to figure myself out, I learned of the golden "they", and felt a completeness unfamiliar to me. I had never considered "they" before then, and felt extremely silly for missing it all that time. And, today, at 22, I am "they". But, only in my head. I've never told anyone besides those of you on this website. I present very strongly as my aab gender, and my family all refer to be with gendered terms that don't fit. It's difficult to listen to. I shout back in my head, "No, you're wrong!" but I'm too scared to correct them. And, I just can't understand it. It fits. It's right. I know it is. It's as true as I have blue eyes. And, my family loves me. When my sister came out as bi, they accepted her. We've had discussions about sexuality and gender (just in general) and they're very open. I'm just so scared that after I tell them, things will be different. I don't know in what way, but just different. This is an extremely abridged version of my thoughts and feelings, but that's because I couldn't collect them right now to save my life. It's 4am and I just can't sleep. I just needed to get this off my chest before it ate a hole in me.

[LP1204]

2 hours ago, starkid said:

It feels comfortable. It feels right, like a jacket you've had for so long, it's shape and weight are second nature. 

I absolutely love this description. It perfectly describes what it’s like to find out who you are. 

 

Also thanks for sharing your story I know a lot of people on here will relate and appreciate your story. 

[catkid]

@LP1204 It's just nice to have a place where I can speak freely. I tend to get into my own feelings a lot, and if I don't verbalize it somehow, it boils for too long and becomes negative feelings ^^;

[LP1204]

@starkid Yah I get that. Feelings need to be expressed somehow whether it’s through writing, talking, music, dance, exercise, etc. And AVEN is an awesome place. 

[catkid]

@LP1204 Oh, it definitely is a wonderful place! There are precious few places I can speak so freely. I might go quiet for long periods of time, but it's always here when I get back ^^