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Here We Go Again


dlnvu19

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I posted about my experiences with discovering my asexuality last year. So as not to go too much into that, here's a brief summary:

 

I've never experienced sexual attraction my entire life. My first real relationship at age 20 was a disaster wherein I was forced/coerced into very physically painful sex by my then BF. It ended when I told him I was uncomfortable and wanted to hold off until we built a stronger emotional connection. He didn't want to stop, so he left me. After years of thorough introspection, I finally concluded that I'm biromantic asexual.

 

Now, fast forward 10+ years to today. I haven't had a real relationship since then; until a few days ago. I ran into an old acquaintance from HS last year and we've been talking/hanging out as friends ever since. Much to my own surprise, I found myself becoming more drawn to him; so much so that it started to alarm me a bit because while I've never been interested in sex and, after my first experience, had grown to dislike it, I actually started to feel somewhat comfortable with the idea of sharing that with him. He expressed his interest and attraction to me a couple of months ago as well. That seemed to draw me closer to him and become even more relaxed (and somewhat eager) at the idea of being intimate with him. It was a very new and alien feeling and I wanted to explore it, so we did...and it was a disaster for me.

 

We had sex a couple of days ago, and while I felt very emotionally and mentally connected with him, I was in SO MUCH pain that I couldn't enjoy it. It felt like I was being torn from the inside out. I had had this problem before with my first boyfriend, but I just chalked that up to me literally being forced to do it when I didn't want to. But now, for the first time, I actually wanted to share that with my current BF and I was still in immense pain. I'm going to see my doctor soon to discuss what's going on and we've both agreed to hold off on it until I can figure out what's wrong, but I'm scared he won't be willing to stand by for too long.

 

I've researched until my eyes became raw about what could possibly be wrong with me and why I can never and have never physically enjoyed sex; I've only ever experienced excruciating pain to the point of tears. All of my research leads to a condition called vaginismus. Now I'm confused about myself once again. I'm questioning two things, A) Am I asexual because I may have vaginismus or do I possibly have vaginismus because I'm asexual, and B) If I can't physically have sex, how long before he becomes impatient with me not being able to give him what he needs before he decides to move on? I tried explaining to him that it was a sweet and sour sort of experience because while I was in pain, I also received pleasure from being able to make him happy in that way. He doesn't feel pleased, however. Because he wants me to not only receive pleasure from sex, but actually crave it, and I don't crave it because it's just not on my mind and I am admittedly terrified of it because it hurts me so much.

 

I don't even know if I'm really asexual anymore or if I just have a sexual dysfunction. I know I don't want it from anyone else nor have I ever desired it, but I feel a special desire to be close with him (and only him) in this way. But I'm afraid that I won't be able to fulfill his needs if every time we have sex, I'm in pain (which he doesn't like). Now I don't know what to do. If I can't have sex, I can't even make a compromise with him as a sexual, it's just something that would need to be cut out of the relationship completely. How can a mixed relationship survive like that? He said that "he's with me" through this, but I've heard that before. And if I know anything about sexuals, that "with me" declaration indeed has an expiration date. I'm just looking for some advice on how to approach this or what to do. If this ends with us separating, it would devastate me, because this is the first time I've actually been able to build an emotional connection with someone; something that eluded me for years since, as far I'm concerned, "most people don't want to bother building an emotional, romantic connection with an asexual if they're not going to get any." 

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I've not had vaginismus, but it sounded to me like this is what you were describing, before I got to the word in your post.

(a) It's hard to tell. I think it's good to see a doctor.

It could be both, or interrelated. Or – as you say – I expect it would be very hard to experience sexual desire if your only physical experiences have been of pain.

(b) I think step one would be to experience sexuality as something pleasurable – not actually crave it.

That probably means abandoning PIV sex (and being very cautious about trying it, in the future) – I think @Ficto. might have some insights on this...

 

For me – currently I'm unable to have this "traditional sex" due to late stages pregnancy. I'm not able to experience sexual pleasure much at all firsthand (not like I used to), but I experience a lot of attraction to my partner's arousal/pleasure. It's still very intense, and something I crave! Ironically he's asexual and has no interest in it, even though he can experience it, so it's... awkward! The situation seems to highlight the differences between physical experience and attraction/desire. 😅

And I've wondered to what extent my experience of attraction/desire is a product of habit, which would have been absent if I hadn't had a history of experiencing sexual pleasure. But, for example, @Aice has described experiencing sexual attraction while being unable to experience sex as pleasurable. See this & subsequent posts – 

 

 

If you're attracted to only giving pleasure, you can do that! There's whole categories of people that experience sexuality that way – stone butch lesbians, for example. You could also explore other ways to feel pleasure that aren't the "traditional" mode, maybe clitoral stimulation or other types of stimulation. Do other things. I hope the current BF is interested in this. I've never used one, but maybe this is the sort of thing a sex therapist can help couples explore.

On my end, it's been very weird to ask my asexual partner to do this, and it's been very awkward to ask it of him. But he's been gracious – and even when it's not my body experiencing much pleasure – and it makes me feel really happy. I know it makes very little sense. I feel silly about it, but it is what it is, it makes me happy.

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1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

You could also explore other ways to feel pleasure that aren't the "traditional" mode

Thanks for the advice. I quoted this portion because this issue specifically has been a subject of angst for me for nearly my entire life. At the end of the day, I'm just kind of frustrated with all of this and simply want to be normal. I want to be able to experience sexual attraction, have a partner, and just have a normal relationship. The fact that I have all of these confusing "quirks" and subcategories with regards to my sexuality kinda makes me hate myself a little. I know there's an entire community that deviates from what is considered the norm with regards to human sexuality, and that's great if they can be happy that way. Me personally, I get a headache trying to figure out all of these angles and figure out where I fit all the while just wanting companionship and possibly one day to start my own family. That's all I want. It's simple, and 99% of the human population is capable of doing this, so why can't I just be like them? I know it sounds stupid and weak, but this is getting ridiculous now. I just want to be a normal woman with a husband, kids and job I don't despise and I seem to be incapable of all of this because I'm such a weirdo. Sorry if this offends anyone, but that's just where I'm at right now with all of this. I mean for godsake, I need a doctor and therapy to merely figure out how to do the most basic human activity (sex). What is this???

 

/rant

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@dlnvu19 it's ok! I think it's normal to feel frustrated by a lack of "normal".

But, "traditional" is not as universal as one might think. And well... when I get down, I try to remind myself that other people have other struggles I don't have – chronic health conditions, accidents, family members with serious issues (health or otherwise), and other twists of fate that gives each life it's unique navigational hazards.

I hope you don't feel too bad about it needing therapy for anything – I'm pretty "successful" and I've had to get help in various ways in my life! Struggles are part of being human, and I think you'll just be adding to the struggle if you feel bad about having a struggle in the first place. :)

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A few possibilities

 

The one you found. And also could be polyps, or your cervix could cause pain. Or you might just need a lot of pre-sex stuff to loosen up the muscles. First time I had sex hurt, a lot. I bled and had flesh bits coming out of me for two weeks. The next partner it still hurt at first.. next was OK... next hurt and I bled again for like a month every time. That one his penis was an awkward shape for me so it actually hurt unless I carefully angled my body, every time, one wrong move felt like I was being stabbed in the abdomen. 

 

But there are also other ways than actual penetration. Oral, hand stimulation etc would work without the pain. 

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If you want to have sex, but it is physically painful, then that is something that can likely be treated. To me that is very different from not wanting sex. 

 

As someone has suggested, you can engage in sexual activity that doesn't involve penetration while you figure out the medical issue.   Generally pain when you want sex is a sign of a medical problem, usually something that can be fixed.

 

Sometimes for some women, if they haven't had sex in a long time it can be painful and they have to work up to it starting with smaller objects for a while. Graded sizes of vaginal dilators are available online.  First though its worth seeing a doctor to make sure that there isn't some other issue. 

 

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Wanting v. not is a significant difference.  If OP’s partner isn’t willing to compromise on a sexuality mismatch (ace v. sexual), that to me is a lot different than not being willing to compromise on what’s basically a medical issue.

 

I.e., I get not being willing to concede in the case of a mismatch (don’t want to and can’t) but not conceding on a medical issue (want to, but can’t) doesn’t seem very loving.

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Thanks for the advice all. A little update:

 

It turns out I do, in fact, have vaginismus. My doctor also found a laceration around my cervix. She recommended kegels, more foreplay, and a special lubricant while letting him know that he needs to be patient. As much pain as I'm in now, I honestly wouldn't be bothered if we never did it again. I really just want his companionship and company, but he has a high sex drive so that's not really an option. Because I care so much about him I enjoy being close with him and making him happy/satisfied, but there's only so much I can physically bear. It's strange, but even though a part of me wants to be intimate with him, there's a large part of me that really hopes he's willing to toss that out and try other things, because PIV sex for me is extremely unpleasant. I'm going to try what my doctor suggested and give my "injuries" time to heal before I throw the baby out with the bath water. Maybe I'm just frustrated and discouraged, right now, but this experience coupled with my past experiences has just solidified my overall hatred for sex. I think I hate it because I physically can't do/enjoy it. 

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On 12/13/2018 at 3:12 AM, uhtred said:

If you want to have sex, but it is physically painful, then that is something that can likely be treated. To me that is very different from not wanting sex. 

 

I did want it the first time we did it. After actually going through with it and enduring the painful, bloody mess that it caused, I no longer want it, but I still want to be with him and make him happy. This happened with my first experience as well. I've never been a very sexual person, but after I engage and the experience is downright traumatic, I cycle back to never wanting to do it again. It's kind of like trying a new cuisine that everyone swears is delicious. You get the desire to try it and then discover that not only do you find it disgusting but it makes you terribly sick. From that point on, you lose the desire to ever try it again. This is just more complex because it involves the emotions of another person and the fate of an entire relationship; which, let's be real here, is probably going to fail, now. 😑 

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13 minutes ago, dlnvu19 said:

Thanks for the advice all. A little update:

 

It turns out I do, in fact, have vaginismus. My doctor also found a laceration around my cervix. She recommended kegels, more foreplay, and a special lubricant while letting him know that he needs to be patient. As much pain as I'm in now, I honestly wouldn't be bothered if we never did it again. I really just want his companionship and company, but he has a high sex drive so that's not really an option. Because I care so much about him I enjoy being close with him and making him happy/satisfied, but there's only so much I can physically bear. It's strange, but even though a part of me wants to be intimate with him, there's a large part of me that really hopes he's willing to toss that out and try other things, because PIV sex for me is extremely unpleasant. I'm going to try what my doctor suggested and give my "injuries" time to heal before I throw the baby out with the bath water. Maybe I'm just frustrated and discouraged, right now, but this experience coupled with my past experiences has just solidified my overall hatred for sex. I think I hate it because I physically can't do/enjoy it. 

As someone who has vestibulodynia (an untreatable pain disorder making penetration literal agony) it really upsets me that it's hurting you this much. There are a million ways to have sex that don't involve his penis having to go anywhere near your vagina, which would make sex more pleasurable and intimate for you both (technically) because it means you both be enjoying it instead of him getting an orgasm while you suffer. Would he be open to trying some of the many other forms of sex to find something you can both enjoy? Because the second he knows about the pain you experience from penetration I hope he never wants to put his penis inside you again until you are completely 'healed' if that ever happens.. if he loves you and cares about you (and your pleasure) he'll actively want to try other forms of sex that don't involve your vagina!

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33 minutes ago, Ficto. said:

As someone who has vestibulodynia (an untreatable pain disorder making penetration literal agony) it really upsets me that it's hurting you this much. There are a million ways to have sex that don't involve his penis having to go anywhere near your vagina, which would make sex more pleasurable and intimate for you both (technically) because it means you both be enjoying it instead of him getting an orgasm while you suffer. Would he be open to trying some of the many other forms of sex to find something you can both enjoy? Because the second he knows about the pain you experience from penetration I hope he never wants to put his penis inside you again until you are completely 'healed' if that ever happens.. if he loves you and cares about you (and your pleasure) he'll actively want to try other forms of sex that don't involve your vagina!

I don't know what he's willing to do or try, but I'll ask him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually "love" me, just yet. We've only recently begun the relationship. I think he cares about me, but I'm at least 99.9% sure he doesn't love me, so it's a toss up on whether or not he's willing to try other forms of sex that aren't PIV. I honestly see him just calling it quits, though. This has happened before, so I just expect it at this point. I don't even think I'd be bothered if he left since I can understand why he would. He'd have every right to do so if his needs aren't properly met. I probably should be more upset at the prospect of him leaving, but I think I'm just dead inside now, lol. I'm just like, "Oh, you're going to leave, too? Yeah, well, that's what happens. Hope you find someone who can make you happy! *shrug*" 😂

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3 hours ago, dlnvu19 said:

I don't know what he's willing to do or try, but I'll ask him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually "love" me, just yet. We've only recently begun the relationship. I think he cares about me, but I'm at least 99.9% sure he doesn't love me, so it's a toss up on whether or not he's willing to try other forms of sex that aren't PIV. I honestly see him just calling it quits, though. This has happened before, so I just expect it at this point. I don't even think I'd be bothered if he left since I can understand why he would. He'd have every right to do so if his needs aren't properly met. I probably should be more upset at the prospect of him leaving, but I think I'm just dead inside now, lol. I'm just like, "Oh, you're going to leave, too? Yeah, well, that's what happens. Hope you find someone who can make you happy! *shrug*" 😂

In the future, if you still actively want to seek romantic relationships, you could try making it clear that PiV sex hurts you too much due to a medical condition BEFORE it gets to the point of an actual relationship. There are the drop-kicks who won't want anything to do with you as a result, but I've been amazed by how many men can't actively desire

 PiV with someone if they know it would hurt them - the idea of causing a woman pain down there is a turn off for a lot of men but these types of guys actively want to try other things that the lady might enjoy if they're into you.

 

Even if someone doesn't love you, any reasonable human being isn't going to want to do an act to you that will cause you pain no matter how much they enjoy the feelings of that act.  You just need to make your condition clear BEFORE it gets to that point so you know you're with a guy who will want to try other stuff as opposed to being with a guy who won't be happy without PiV.

 

Just so you know, I suffered agonising PiV for literally years, so painful I often couldn't walk after. I'd take painkillers before and after the act in the hopes of mitigating some of the agony. I ended up drinking 24/7 as a way to numb the perpetual agony I was in. I truly believed I didn't want or desire sex but only ever did it because my partner and other men wanted it, I thought that's what girls had to do as the price of being loved. I suffered for so long and learned to truly hate any form of intimacy that may lead to sex because sex = pain, agonising pain. And the types of men I was associating with didn't care about my pain. All that mattered to them was using my body for an orgasm.

 

I eventually discovered asexuality and I cried because I was so happy, apparently there were other people out there who could desire love but not want sex to be a part of that love!!

 

After 7 years of total physical celibacy (and a few experimental online relationships, one with a fully asexual guy) I now know that I'm not actually ace at all and never was. I'd just never had the right kind of sex with the right kind of men.

 

The only men who deserve your body (or my body, or any woman's body) are men who truly care that she's enjoying what's happening as much if not more than they are. No man will ever be allowed inside my vagina again unless I myself am literally gagging for it and know it won't hurt (which I don't think will ever happen). But there are many, many ways to enjoy sexual intimacy that don't involve PiV and to be honest even if I could enjoy PiV, I think I'd still enjoy those other forms of sex more.

 

So yeah, you need to make a vow to yourself right now that you'll respect your condition and demand any future man you may be with respect it as well. If that means remaining single then that's better than having to suffer just so a man can use your body for his orgasm (and any man willing to do that doesn't deserve the privelage of even kissing your shoes, let alone fucking you).

 

A good man will respect you and try to understand your pain, and will never try to insist on PiV or push you into it. He'll be very happy with whatever forms of intimacy you are capable of (and will be happy to experiment as well), as long as he can tell you actually want it and aren't just doing them to placate him (because a good man won't want you to do intimate things just to make him happy, he'll want you to be happy as well!!). And if you decide you actually don't want ANY form of sexual intimacy, there are plenty of asexual guys out there longing for love!!

 

From this moment forth don't let another man put his cock inside you if it'll hurt you. No man alive deserves to take his pleasure while you suffer. And believe me, he'd be a sqealing little bitch in the corner if he knew how much vaginismus and other such conditions actually hurt. There's no way a man would let you use his body for your pleasure if he experienced the type of pain that you do from sex. No way in hell. So don't let a man do that to you. Don't ever let a man use you like that again while you suffer, you're worth so much more than that. :)

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Whether or not it's with him, I really hope you don't try being sexual with your vagina again -- not until you do other things.

 

The stories here are awful, I'm so sorry. My first partner had plenty of flaws but not in this respect, we took it very slow, we had sessions which were simply touching genitals, then fingering, and eventually vaginal sex -- very slowly, carefully. These things over multiple sessions, not all in the same one. I think I was on top and always in control of what was happening. (Also an excellent approach for other penetrations: let the person being penetrated, in whatever way & is new to it -- let them be in charge.) And that was a good thing for me; I have a sensitive cervix. ("Friable" a nurse once called it.)

 

The idea that a one goes straight to vaginal sex, and then endures pain and damage thinking that's normal, is just awful. I'm sorry. Please don't do this to yourself in the future, and if this guy isn't horrified by causing pain, he's not for you ... or anyone, frankly.

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@Ficto. and @anisotropic I'm with you guys 100% and I appreciate your words of encouragement. I think I'm jumping the gun here with expecting a negative response from him because that's what my first experience was like and I was literally traumatized; as in I've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety because of the events that occurred.  So I always expect the worst and to be treated like a walking sex toy. If I really look into our relationship and him as a person, taking off my "bad past relationship" blinders, he really is a nice guy and he did express to me that he didn't like the fact that he was hurting me and wanted me to enjoy it as well. He also went to the doctor with me and seemed to be very interested in what she had to say to both of us regarding working through this together as a unit, so I'm probably just being cynical. I need to not apply what my first guy did to me onto my current because the two truly are polar opposites; my current being the better of the two. 

 

In his words, the fact that he wasn't able to bring me joy and pleasure makes him "feel like shit." So, he definitely doesn't like that I'm in pain and understands that I need a break from PIV. Now, my only dilemma is that aside from oral, I have no idea what alternative activities we could do that would be as equally satisfying for me as it is him. I don't want to deprive him too much, because that's not fair.

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4 hours ago, dlnvu19 said:

I have no idea what alternative activities we could do that would be as equally satisfying for me as it is him.

Well, for starters, you could take turns in satisfying eachother, instead of searching for one thing that will satisfy both of you at the same time.

 

If you are into the rhythmic bumping activity in general, you could try that without penetration - just surface contact. When you are on top, you can find positions to engulf his penis between your bodies, instead of taking it inside yours. (Why do I have to think of a monorail now?)

 

:cake::cake::cake:

 

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@roland.o has the right idea :D

 

Do you masturbate?? Something fun you could also do is if he sucks on your nipples and stimulates your breasts with his mouth, while you masturbate and he masturbates himself as well until you both reach orgasm. That way he doesn't have to touch you at all if you don't like having someone else touch you down there (I know I don't) but you both get shared sexual pleasure. He'll love sucking your breasts and you will (hopefully) love the feeling of having his mouth there as the nipples and breasts on a lady are very sensitive.

 

If you can still experience clitoral pleasure, he could rub the head of his penis over your clitoris and vulva, stimulating you to orgasm with his erection while he gets the pleasure of rubbing his cock over your genitals.

 

Remember foreplay is super important, he should spend ages kissing you all over and making you feel super special before any of this starts, you need to be aroused to be able to enjoy it!

 

If you aren't able to experience arousal or any kind of pleasure yourself, you could at the very least kiss and snuggle maybe while he masturbates so he can still achieve sexual release without your own genitals having to be involved? If you like kissing and snuggling then you'll get pleasure from that intimacy even if your own genitals aren't actually involved. :)

 

Those are just some ideas to add to Roland's :cake:

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There are so many ways to enjoy sexual intimacy without penetration. I havent been done PiV in ... four years? There are toys, hands, mouths, grinding, BDSM and such if you guys are into that, etc, etc. Find things you enjoy together, without the pain of penetration. :)

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Here's an encyclopedic reference...

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-penetrative_sex

 

@dlnvu19 From what you've written, all these other ways of having sex are probably more "normal" than you perceive then to be...

 

One other suggestion is for your partner to be passive -- I would suggest mild bondage for him, if it's not too outre for you. If not that, he could simply take a passive position without actually being bound (although in my experience this doesn't have the full emotional effect, it's a fair proxy).

 

Sexual intimacy has a lot of emotional components, and vulnerability. I'm throwing this suggestion out because it might help both of you feel better. (A) Right now, he might be feeling upset that he does things that don't actually make you feel good. By putting you in charge, he knows that every thing you do is something you "want" to do. (Setting aside whether "want" is intrinsic desire, desire to please, or curiosity -- it's probably hard to know that about yourself at this point.) (B) And for you, it might help you break from the expectation/fear of being a sex toy. You can't be his sex toy -- that becomes his potential role -- you have control, and he is trusting you.

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On 12/15/2018 at 9:18 AM, dlnvu19 said:

I did want it the first time we did it. After actually going through with it and enduring the painful, bloody mess that it caused, I no longer want it, but I still want to be with him and make him happy. This happened with my first experience as well. I've never been a very sexual person, but after I engage and the experience is downright traumatic, I cycle back to never wanting to do it again. It's kind of like trying a new cuisine that everyone swears is delicious. You get the desire to try it and then discover that not only do you find it disgusting but it makes you terribly sick. From that point on, you lose the desire to ever try it again. This is just more complex because it involves the emotions of another person and the fate of an entire relationship; which, let's be real here, is probably going to fail, now. 😑 

It really may be worth seeing a doctor to see if there is some physical issue. Nothing wrong with not wanting sex, and its not surprising that you don't want sex because it is physically unpleasant.  If that problem is solvable though, you might find that you enjoyed sex. 

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3 hours ago, uhtred said:

It really may be worth seeing a doctor to see if there is some physical issue. Nothing wrong with not wanting sex, and its not surprising that you don't want sex because it is physically unpleasant.  If that problem is solvable though, you might find that you enjoyed sex. 

They did see a doctor. But, it is a long and difficult process to get your muscles down there to stop screaming in pain with what they have. It is kind of like muscles being torn every time you have sex, until you can loosen them enough. Makes it hard to not hate sex in the meantime. 

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12 hours ago, Serran said:

They did see a doctor. But, it is a long and difficult process to get your muscles down there to stop screaming in pain with what they have. It is kind of like muscles being torn every time you have sex, until you can loosen them enough. Makes it hard to not hate sex in the meantime. 

Hmm, maybe a different doctor?  I thought the usual suggestion was gentle (not uncomfortable) stretching exercises with gradually increasing sized dilators (available from many sources).   Were they just suggesting that you live with the pain of sex??  Even without a doctors advice you could try it (some online sex shops sell graded sized dilators).  My understanding is that the idea is frequent and gentle, not doing anything painful.  Its like building up to exercise gently - you don't start by trying to run a marathon until you collapse. 

 

I'm not a doctor (well not a medical doctor..)  so this is just completely unprofessional advice. 

 

 

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14 hours ago, uhtred said:

Hmm, maybe a different doctor?  I thought the usual suggestion was gentle (not uncomfortable) stretching exercises with gradually increasing sized dilators (available from many sources).   Were they just suggesting that you live with the pain of sex??  Even without a doctors advice you could try it (some online sex shops sell graded sized dilators).  My understanding is that the idea is frequent and gentle, not doing anything painful.  Its like building up to exercise gently - you don't start by trying to run a marathon until you collapse. 

 

I'm not a doctor (well not a medical doctor..)  so this is just completely unprofessional advice. 

 

 

Hi. Yes, my doctor's advice was to do kegel exercises twice a day and for us to try again a week later after enough foreplay and a special lubricant she gave me. It's all very...mechanical. For something that's supposed to be natural. I'm also going to see my therapist this week to discuss any psychological blocks that may be causing this. Again, I've never been enthused about sex. But I do want to make my partner happy.

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On 12/16/2018 at 10:08 AM, anisotropic said:

Sexual intimacy has a lot of emotional components, and vulnerability. I'm throwing this suggestion out because it might help both of you feel better. (A) Right now, he might be feeling upset that he does things that don't actually make you feel good.

Yeah. My problem is, I have no idea what makes me feel good because I've never desired sex before (and to an extent still don't). I only want to be close with my partner and giving him pleasure makes me happy, but I don't want to be in pain either. I'd like to be able to be sexually intimate with him and enjoy it. That's my goal. My body just doesn't seem to respond properly to anything sexual (even clitoral stimulation), and PIV is painful. This might be all psychological considering I was raised in a Conservative Christian household and taught that premarital sex was a sin. I've tried to ignore that, but it's still there in the back of my mind that what we're doing is wrong. So, there's also that little problem. 

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3 hours ago, dlnvu19 said:

Yeah. My problem is, I have no idea what makes me feel good because I've never desired sex before (and to an extent still don't). I only want to be close with my partner and giving him pleasure makes me happy, but I don't want to be in pain either. I'd like to be able to be sexually intimate with him and enjoy it. That's my goal. My body just doesn't seem to respond properly to anything sexual (even clitoral stimulation), and PIV is painful. This might be all psychological considering I was raised in a Conservative Christian household and taught that premarital sex was a sin. I've tried to ignore that, but it's still there in the back of my mind that what we're doing is wrong. So, there's also that little problem. 

A psychological barrier can be more difficult to overcome than a medical one. My suggestion would be to spend a little time trying sensuality, as opposed to overt sexuality. As in, touching, back rubs, gentle kisses and so on; more than cuddling and less than "go for orgasm." It may help you figure out how to turn off the "brakes" that your trauma (and possibly upbringing) have put in place.

 

If you want to try this, it's important that he know ahead of time that penetration isn't on the menu for that night. He sounds like a decent guy, and hopefully would be okay with that. If he wants you, he has to accept that you're going to need a little time and help figuring out what works for you.

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5 hours ago, dlnvu19 said:

Hi. Yes, my doctor's advice was to do kegel exercises twice a day and for us to try again a week later after enough foreplay and a special lubricant she gave me. It's all very...mechanical. For something that's supposed to be natural. I'm also going to see my therapist this week to discuss any psychological blocks that may be causing this. Again, I've never been enthused about sex. But I do want to make my partner happy.

My wife has fallen into the trap where there was a long gap without sex (because she is near- asexual), and when she tried again ,it was very uncomfortable - so we stopped trying. She also went to the doctor and got extra-slippery lube - but I don't think that was the issue (we generally used lube anyway).  For here, since sex is something she only rarely wants to try, she didn't want to try frequent stretching exercises, so now intercourse is basically off the table for the rest of our lives. 

 

I think its worth a try.  I say this because many years ago my wife and I ran into a similar situation and she did try gentle stretching.  Within a month she was completely comfortable with and enjoyed sex - until her natural lack of interest resulted in another long gap and then things never really recovered.  Stretching can be done alone, either just with the dilators, or masturbating for O, maybe with a vibrator, or it can be done with a partner if they are patient and gentle.   I'd suggest trying it as an experiment - every day, as much as is *comfortable*, NOT to the point of discomfort.  See how it goes. 

 

 

 

 

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