Disturbing dreams - feeling ashamed of my sexual thoughts?

[Pinecone]

Since starting a relationship with an asexual man a couple months ago, I've had a few disturbing sexual dreams. He was very blunt and upfront about his asexuality when we began our relationship because he was very eager to establish good communication, so that we can easily bring up issues that bother us, and for the most part it's worked. We have clear boundaries with each other, and we feel that setting and redefining those boundaries doesn't detract from how we feel about each other. My initial thought when I started having these dreams was to tell him about them so we can analyze and work out the issues, but for this, I can't bring myself to tell him about it. So far, it's the only thing that I've felt I cannot talk through with him, at least not yet.

 

I am a sexual person, I know that for sure, but I have actually questioned if I was ace before. I've since come to the conclusion that I just have a low libido, and only feel sexual desire a few times a month, maximum. That's about how often these dreams have been occurring. I won't go into too much detail about the dreams because they disturb me so much, but there are two basic kinds. Sometimes it's the two of us getting involved sexually, but the scene morphs into something grotesque, and we can't bring ourselves to continue. Sometimes it's myself and another man in a sexual situation, and I usually wake up prematurely because my sense of guilt is so strong.

 

I think I've been having these dreams because I feel ashamed for having sexual attraction towards him, and sexual desires in general. Rationally, I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but deep down I feel like if I were to ever express anything sexual towards him, it would repulse him, and I don't know how I would be able to resolve my sexual needs. I know I'll have to talk this through with him eventually, but I feel like I need to at least start working through this on my own first. Any advice? Stories about working through these kinds of feelings?

[uhtred]

Dreams can mean something - or not.   Here it sounds like you do understand what your dreams are echoing - you feel sexual attraction for someone  who might find that attraction repulsive. 

 

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with feeling sexual attraction toward someone with whom you are in a relationship.  Maybe though your dreams are not warning you against this, but pointing out what you already know: you have some attraction for him, that doesn't match how he feels for you. 

 

You need to ask yourself if you can be happy in this situation.    My feeling is that while there is nothing wrong with not having sexual desire,  *suppressing* sexual desire for someone you love is an entirely different thing and may not be healthy. Maybe your dreams are cautioning you to think carefully about the situation you are in. 

[anisotrophic]

I had a dream a couple months ago of him... really wanting me (to put it vaguely), sex that I'd never actually have... (unless he gets better at acting and I think it's silly to expect that). We do have sex, but it was "sex where he wanted me" = "impossible fantasy dream". There wasn't much to talk through, but it stuck with me. The meaning for me was... I had to focus on not being sad about the impossible. (I have a lot already.)

 

Which is to say: I think the meaning of the dreams isn't in the dreams themselves, but in how they affect you when awake. They're meaningful because you're not instantly forgetting them, and for the reasons they're sticking in your mind.

 

It sounds like these dreams are meaningful to you -- they're hard to dismiss -- because they've made you more aware of feeling guilty about your own sexuality.

 

It feels to me like that's how to approach taking about this with your partner... Not "my emotional state is causing dreams" ... but "these dreams are sticking in my mind because they're making me aware of an emotional state". And it's not a good emotional thing to be experiencing, and now you've become a lot more aware of it.

 

I don't think it's good for someone to feel guilt about their orientation. They can't help it, they can't change that it's how they are, they can't be something different.

 

It cuts both ways. We don't want an ace partner to feel guilty or try to be something they can't be. But we don't want a sexual partner to do that either, right? You deserve the same for yourself.

 

Figuring out how to do both at once seems to be the trick to happiness in mixed relationships -- and quite difficult, almost impossible to do singlehandedly, ideally something both partners are working on together.

 

(And so I guess that's how I go about this sort of conversation with my partner. "I'm feeling X and I think it's because of my orientation" hopefully makes it less personal, more about our joint effort.)

[MrDane]

You have to remember, that all the stuff in the dreams happen inside of your head and can look quite different in the real world. Sometimes it is quite (jungvian) clear that the dream is a safe way to deal with stuff. Like when the ocd-controlfreak with high standards of hygiene dreams about being a non-caring, messy person. 

[Chimeric]

On 12/11/2018 at 11:13 PM, Pinecone said:

I think I've been having these dreams because I feel ashamed for having sexual attraction towards him, and sexual desires in general. Rationally, I know it's nothing to be ashamed of, but deep down I feel like if I were to ever express anything sexual towards him, it would repulse him, and I don't know how I would be able to resolve my sexual needs. I know I'll have to talk this through with him eventually, but I feel like I need to at least start working through this on my own first. Any advice? Stories about working through these kinds of feelings?

I think this is completely understandable, personally. You and I are in very similar positions, so I defo understand where you're coming from. I've questioned in the past whether or not I'm ace, but I'm just very low libido, as well - plus I experience very limited sexual attraction, and in fact the most attracted I've ever been to anyone would be to my current partner, who is ace.

 

For a while I started going down this path as well. I felt guilty about the fact that I find him so sexy and that I want him so often and so badly, because I know that for him, these aren't necessarily expressions of love, and the whole reason I feel such desire for him is because I love him. That dissonance is real, and for people like us, where sex is an expression of love - to desire to express that knowing full well that that's the last thing our partner wants... how couldn't we feel guilty and ashamed?

 

Complicating the whole situation is the fact that sex for love is a deeply personal and deeply intimate thing - naturally, we become deeply vulnerable in anything related to that act. Nobody wants to be rejected, but especially not on the most intimate level and by their most beloved person. There's a real fear of rejection, and particularly in sexual-asexual relationships, that's huge hurdle for both people to overcome. It can feel like an impossible situation to win: we feel rejected when our partner doesn't want us, and they feel rejected when we insist on sex (it's a rejection of who they are as an asexual person).

 

Talk to him about it. I mentioned I started going down this path, but I stopped when I told him how I was feeling. He gets it, he accepts me as a sexual being as much as I accept him as an asexual being, so he knows that it's just part of me; I think he's happy that I find him so attractive, anyhow (though he no doubt gets tired of how often and publicly I repeat this here on AVEN =D). Because this is something that involves a delicate balance between two people, I think this is one of those rare situations where trying to work through it on your own may actually make it worse - you may end up just getting stuck in your own head, and this will become a nidus that festers and grows and snowballs. Plus it sounds like he is a very willing communicator, based on the information you've given us; it may be that he would prefer to know what's going on in your head.

 

Regarding how to resolve your sexual needs - that one is tricky, and I don't know that any of us have gotten it completely figured out just yet.

 

Do know that you aren't alone, and that it isn't a lost cause right off the bat. I'm incredibly happy in my relationship, I would be perfectly happy to keep this one going for the rest of my life. It's got different bumps in the road than a typical relationship might, but they aren't insurmountable.

[nanogretchen4]

You can't change your orientation. Your totally normal and valid sexual orientation is not something you should feel ashamed of. Probably your sexual needs are not going to get met in your current mixed orientation relationship. If you want to continue the relationship you need to set the precedent now of being honest about your feelings. The alternative is to set the precedent that you suffer in silence, in which case you will suffer and suffer while your partner thinks everything is great.

 

Also, frankly most people are happier in relationships with people who have compatible sexual orientations. Most of the sexual people in mixed orientation relationships didn't find out that their partner was asexual until much later than two months into the relationship. A few were informed in a timely fashion, but they underestimated how big a problem incompatible orientations was going to be. Sometimes the sexual partner is vulnerable to self shaming and self deception because they have some sex negative attitudes they should probably work through before committing to a serious relationship. Anyway, just remember that having dated someone for two months doesn't obligate you to continue dating them at all costs. Also remember that there are lots of more compatible fish in the sea.