tiredandhungry Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Hello! I'm actually engaged to a wonderful man who understands that I don't want or enjoy physical activity. We've been together for 4 and half years now, and plan to get married in February. He understands that I don't usually want physical touch or sex. In fact, it's one of the first things that I told him when we were first dating. I told him I thought I was asexual. He was very understanding and said he just liked me for who I was. I always felt guilty, because I know he has an average sex drive and here I am depriving him of that. So, here's the "dark side" of our relationship so to speak... I like to drink. I like to get drunk. And when I get drunk, sometimes I get horny. I feel like he's gotten used to this, and relies on me having a few too many to fulfill his "need". I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I always know what I'm getting myself into, and I want it. At the time. He has never pressured me into anything. He has always stopped when I wasn't into it. I'm just curious to see if there were any of my kind out there... The drunkies.... hah I've never had sex while sober... Link to post Share on other sites
AspieAlly613 Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 It's great to hear that you've found a way to bridge the gap on this one issue. 5 minutes ago, tiredandhungry said: He has never pressured me into anything. He has always stopped when I wasn't into it. It's even better to hear this. Link to post Share on other sites
A shard of glass Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 To be fair, drunk sex has always been fun to me... but my libido is through the roof anyway, because well... it just is... it's at the stage where most 14 year old boys would be considered tame compared to me XD Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 Out of interest, do you think you might be innately sexual and alcohol just removes inhibitions that prevent you from desiring and enjoying sex when sober? I only ask because I've known many asexuals who love to drink, but that doesn't actually make them want sex. It does make sex easier for them if they have a partner who wants it (it might hurt less or they might be able to relax more or whatever) but drinking won't actually make an ace want sex for their own pleasure. Just like it won't make a gay guy want sex with a woman Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 I'd wonder the same as @Ficto.... in my household it's more like "uh oh" when I've got a beer in me, not him (probably because it's reducing my inhibitions related to my partner's lack of desire). Link to post Share on other sites
AgentCade Posted December 11, 2018 Share Posted December 11, 2018 I'm in a similar relationship; getting drunk used to make it tolerable. Watch out for getting older though, one pint of cider knocks me out now. Poor fiance hasn't had any action for about 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
dlnvu19 Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 The following immediately came to my mind when I first read the title: I'll see myself out...😞 Link to post Share on other sites
Solo mia Posted December 12, 2018 Share Posted December 12, 2018 Yea I've never had sex but I mainly get horny when I'm drunk or high lmao *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
Tink20 Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 I have a similar reaction to alcohol. I like sex occasionally, but am much more in favor of it & likely to even initiate sex when drinking. I still believe I am Ace though because I could also do without sex forever if needed. I was in a 9 year relationship & only had sex the first 2 years. I drink less & less these days though so I feel like the odds of me keeping a relationship with anyone sexual will be harder & harder. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted December 13, 2018 Share Posted December 13, 2018 Whether she is sexual with “issues” that can be forgotten or sex positive asexual, who can get in the mood while drunk is hard to say. Being a bit tippsy can make most people a bit more relaxed and can remove some of the awkwardness. I wouldnt like to get my wife hammered with the purpose of sex. Tippsy and happy, but concious and present, yes! Link to post Share on other sites
Jessics Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 I am exactly this way! Sex sober is difficult, boring, and a turn off. I am sex positive and love all people but I am not sexually driven or ever in need of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Liana Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 Alcohol lowers anxiety and inhibition, so it could be other variables involved with alcohol making you want sex. On 12/11/2018 at 12:59 AM, A shard of glass said: To be fair, drunk sex has always been fun to me... but my libido is through the roof anyway, because well... it just is... it's at the stage where most 14 year old boys would be considered tame compared to me XD I’ve literally never had any in the first place, and my friends only started talking about that stuff in 10th grade (or at least from what I could notice), so I have 0 clue what that would be considered. Link to post Share on other sites
Sssdsaaaaghj Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 On 12/11/2018 at 1:08 AM, tiredandhungry said: Hello! I'm actually engaged to a wonderful man who understands that I don't want or enjoy physical activity. We've been together for 4 and half years now, and plan to get married in February. He understands that I don't usually want physical touch or sex. In fact, it's one of the first things that I told him when we were first dating. I told him I thought I was asexual. He was very understanding and said he just liked me for who I was. I always felt guilty, because I know he has an average sex drive and here I am depriving him of that. So, here's the "dark side" of our relationship so to speak... I like to drink. I like to get drunk. And when I get drunk, sometimes I get horny. I feel like he's gotten used to this, and relies on me having a few too many to fulfill his "need". I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I always know what I'm getting myself into, and I want it. At the time. He has never pressured me into anything. He has always stopped when I wasn't into it. I'm just curious to see if there were any of my kind out there... The drunkies.... hah I've never had sex while sober... I feel you. I’m exactly like that. I only desire it when I’m at the perfect amount of drunk ness. If I’m too drunk or still sober, it ain’t happening. Idk what’s the problem but when we usually do it sober or try to, it’s just super awkward. I dnt have much experience but I’d love to explore and see who I really am in bed Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 52 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: For those people who only desire partnered sex when they're drunk (and therefore their inhibitors are suppressed), why do you not think something is suppressing a desire to have sex in the first place, and this suppressant could potentially be removed by other means than alcohol, rather than it being an orientation? It seems like a pretty clear conclusion to me. Speaking for myself, a lot of silly things seem like a good idea when I’m drunk 🤣 Anyway, serious answer in my case is that I’m indifferent to partnered sex, but sex still feels good. And I’m a sensation seeker, especially when drunk 😎 Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 17 minutes ago, CBC said: Um ok, but... you're still choosing to have partnered sex. How does voluntarily deciding to have partnered sex, because you enjoy it, fit with being asexual? It’s a good way of relieving libido, I find women aesthetically attractive and it seems like a GREAT IDEA when I’m drunk. Like so many things 🤣 It’s compatible with identifying as asexual because I don’t experience sexual attraction. Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingGrAce Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Sometimes I feel more open to the idea of sex when I'm drunk, but I am a long way off getting there in practice still. 1 minute ago, CBC said: Ok. I give up. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Aces can be sex positive while still not experiencing sexual attraction to the person involved. Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingGrAce Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 1 minute ago, CBC said: Sex-positive doesn't mean voluntarily seeking out sex because you enjoy it, though. I was married to someone (well, still legally am, but we're separated) who is very sex-positive. Which means that he isn't averse to sex for the sake of a partner and has positive views on sex and sexuality. He's also able to find the sensations pleasurable. But he has zero inclination to seek it out for his own sake regardless of the fact that it feels good, it's not at all a natural part of a romantic relationship for him, and he couldn't care less if he ever had it again (and would prefer not to). That's sex-positive asexuality. Seeking our sexual activity with other people because you enjoy sex for your own sake is not asexuality. It doesn't matter why you enjoy it and seek it. It doesn't matter if you don't love the person you're banging, it doesn't matter if you don't think they're super duper hot, etc. If you like sex and you choose to have it with no external coercion = asexual. I assume you intended to write "sexual" as the last word there. The definition of asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction. You can seek out sexual encounters without the sexual attraction being present. Therefore asexuality and initiating sexual encounters can be entirely compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Salmiakki Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 4 minutes ago, AmazingGrAce said: I assume you intended to write "sexual" as the last word there. The definition of asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction. You can seek out sexual encounters without the sexual attraction being present. Therefore asexuality and initiating sexual encounters can be entirely compatible. I'm curious. What's your definition of sexual attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingGrAce Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 1 minute ago, CBC said: Like I already said, I give up. I'm gonna start identifying as asexual too. Why, who knows. Doesn't matter, apparently! (And yes, I mean 'sexual' and corrected the error.) Well it does matter. It matters in particular to all of the sex-positive aces whose identity you just tried to invalidate there. (I saw after I posted unfortunately). Link to post Share on other sites
AmazingGrAce Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 3 minutes ago, Salmiakki said: I'm curious. What's your definition of sexual attraction? That's an excellent question. Given it is something I have never felt, I believe it is very hard to describe it since it is a negative for me. Sexual attraction is what I'm 'missing', it's what I see other people have and experience and what I don't and won't experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 30 minutes ago, CBC said: Seeking our sexual activity with other people because you enjoy sex for your own sake is not asexuality. It doesn't matter why you enjoy it and seek it. It doesn't matter if you don't love the person you're banging, it doesn't matter if you don't think they're super duper hot, etc. If you like sex and you choose to have it with no external coercion = sexual. Thank you for sharing your opinion. I disagree with this, but respect your right to hold and politely express a different opinion. Sexuality and identities are very subjective after all, and even when we relate to a particular label it cannot sum up all the variances between one person to the next. In my case, after a lot of soul searching I have determined I do not experience sexual attraction to any gender and I find the label/identity of asexual therefore suits me. I personally see and feel no incompatibility or incongruence between enjoying parts of the physical act of sex, choosing to relieve my libido with a partner (especially after a few drinks!) and not being sexually attracted to any gender. Link to post Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Mm asexuality is just... the lack of sexual attraction I've never looked at a person and felt "I want sex" but after forming a deep emotional bond, and being of a sex-positive mindset, I've thought "I can because it will bring us together" though guess for me the clincher is still that... I don't innately desire the sex itself it's more like a... want-to-want-to situation Interestingly, I learnt that alcohol was great at alleviating my inhibitions and general laziness when it comes to sex (I identify as more... sex-apathetic than repulsed) So On 12/11/2018 at 6:08 AM, tiredandhungry said: I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I always know what I'm getting myself into, and I want it. At the time. He has never pressured me into anything. He has always stopped when I wasn't into it. This to me is the important bit in a relationship And I had the same set up? almost like the pre-agreement that "I want to want this, and the alcohol will help mellow me out so we can enjoy this" Link to post Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said: Can you expand a bit on the nature of your inhibitions? It mostly comes down to laziness and the whole idea of sex takes too much time and effort, and is kinda gross And there is also some self-consciousness I think too? And because I don't experience the sexual attraction, then I don't have the same level of drive to perform alcohol can help with worries and let me focus on the enjoyment? The best way to describe it is like.. When sober, I get stage fright. I can't stand up in front of people and do anything. So last time I did karaoke, I had a few to drink ,and had an absolute blast because I didn't worry about what others might think Hopefully I've explained that well? Link to post Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: So given you seem to enjoy sex when you do have it, is your disinclination to have it more like performance anxiety taking the edge off so much that it's more negative than positive? mm depends on the situation? So like, as I said, I'm ace, I don't experience sexual attraction therefore that in 99% of cases is my disinclination to have it because like I just don't see the point because it's not something I desire In a far more comfortable relationship with someone who themselves does experience sexual attraction, then I still don't feel that innate desire, but there are other factors like... making another person happy, the closeness it can bring etc. kinda like... how a person might go to a dance class with a partner they might hate dancing, and feel no inclination to do it but if makes their partner happy, so attending a class once in a while is good, and sometimes you find you end up enjoying it enough once you are there not enough to feel the desire to go to a dance class every week but enough that you can do it once in a while to have fun with a partner (sorry I speak in a lot of metaphors to help frame things!) Link to post Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said: I just can't help thinking that the whole 'not feeling attraction' thing, at the root of it, seems to go away when you have alcohol, and then you do feel attraction. mm no worries Can't speak for everyone in this case but in my own the "not feeling attraction" thing doesn't go away drunk, I'm still just as asexual as ever! (I've been drunk enough times to know haha) it more just allows me to enjoy the thing without needing the attraction? Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: Why do you sometimes choose to 'relieve your libido' with your partner if you're not attracted to them? I’m incapable of being sexually attracted to them, but I can still be attracted to them in other ways, so why not? Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 34 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said: What, in your eyes, would disqualify someone from being asexual? Anything? I don’t think it’s my place to disqualify anyone from identifying as asexual. If someone meets one or both common definitions and feel they find it helpful to identify as asexual they have my full support. Link to post Share on other sites
GRexCarolinii Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said: Or that you're more likely to say 'yes' to sex if you're drunk? for me the latter ^^ though again not sure it's the same for everyone cause... there are different reasons to have, or even want/enjoy sex t experiencing sexual attractions is for sure one but not the only one Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 28 minutes ago, GRexCarolinii said: When sober, I get stage fright. I can't stand up in front of people and do anything. So last time I did karaoke, I had a few to drink ,and had an absolute blast because I didn't worry about what others might think Hopefully I've explained that well? Well explained 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
Iam9man Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 21 minutes ago, GRexCarolinii said: kinda like... how a person might go to a dance class with a partner they might hate dancing, and feel no inclination to do it but if makes their partner happy, so attending a class once in a while is good, and sometimes you find you end up enjoying it enough once you are there not enough to feel the desire to go to a dance class every week but enough that you can do it once in a while to have fun with a partner And well explained again 😊 Link to post Share on other sites
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