JustSomeQuietGuy

My girlfriend just confirmed she's asexual.. please help me with some advice

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JustSomeQuietGuy

Hello everyone... first time poster here,

 

In as best of a TL;DR as I can muster..

 

I'm coming here for your help because my long distance girlfriend of over a year has recently just confirmed herself to be asexual.  It wasn't this way initially or at least not apparent to her or myself. We had shared the most wonderful intimacy each time either of us visited the other. Fast forward to now and I'm sat here not knowing what to do or how to take it all in.. I have an embarrassingly high libido... not proud of it at all and she is well aware, but i can't help it. I just love sex and the shared special closeness of it; the afterglow,,, but I don't allow it to be the defining factor of our relationship. We're a long distance couple and our level of communication is i believe to be excellent. We are entirely transparent with each other about everything. I love this girl to no end and want to do absolutely anything I can to make things work out and have a life with her. I'm just terrified because especially after factoring in the long distance aspect, I don't know how to handle this right now and I hate how much I physically crave sexual intimacy; be it just a little foreplay or the whole nine yards. I've also got a heavy desire for pleasing others... especially my significant other. I crave being able to please her in every aspect i can, especially on a sexual level. I love so much being able to spoil and give my girl the worship and pleasure she deserves but never got before me. and I get the same amount of satisfaction and pleasure out of her receiving pleasure as she does. 

 

I respect the hell out of consent and would never want anything to do with her feeling pressured or discomfort. I've been assured that each and every time we've ever been sexually intimate, she did indeed want to do it and was happy to do so... But when she came out saying she may not ever want to be sexual again it was beyond devastating for me and now I feel as though i'm being entirely deprived of all of those things; and it isn't even her fault nor do i even want to blame her. I just can't bare to lose either her or that part of our relationship

 

We talked it through as best we could after a little while of letting it sink in and she'd asked me what she could do as a compromise for me.... but I just have absolutely no idea what could possibly replace what only she can provide for me or how it could even be a compromise when what i'm wanting and needing, she isn't able / willing / comfortable to provide at all or at best just on the rarest of occasions. Getting "my fix" from someone else is absolutely out of the question and I'd never consider it. Ever. I want to make things work with her as best I can and have zero intention of leaving her. I'm just feeling helpless and absolutely terrible for having been so upset about this and that i'm coming off as being incredibly greedy and needy boyfriend. I don't need it all the time... but I don't want to lose it completely. I just can't. 

 

I have the pipe dream of maybe things being better when we finally move in together.. but I will not of course force any change, i just want her to be happy and to be happy with her.. Am I being irrational in any of this? Please be honest with me. I am so completely lost right now

 

Thank you everyone

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OptimisticPessimist

Welcome :cake: :cake: :cake:.

 

Your not being irrational, it can be a lot to take in when someone comes out as Asexual and your not being greedy or needy. Talk to her, tell how you feel and see where you can go from here. 

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AspieAlly613
1 hour ago, JustSomeQuietGuy said:

I crave being able to please her in every aspect i can, especially on a sexual level. I love so much being able to spoil and give my girl the worship and pleasure she deserves but never got before me. and I get the same amount of satisfaction and pleasure out of her receiving pleasure as she does. 

This is very healthy and normal.

 

There are lots of compromises AVENites have tried.  I can name a few, but they're TMI, so they're in a spoiler so that people who are grossed out reading about sexual details can skip them.

 

Spoiler
  • Mutual masturbation works for some couples, but not others.
  • A few ace women have mentioned that they like giving their boyfriends/husbands blowjobs.  The knowledge of sexually pleasing their SO's feels amazing for them.  Maybe you'd like that, maybe it wouldn't be enough.
  • If she doesn't enjoy sex, there are other physical pleasures out there.  (What's her FAVORITE dessert?)

 

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anisotropic

If she's repulsed by sex, that's a bad sign. I'm sorry to put it that bluntly.

 

Some people are relatively comfortable with having sex (indifferent to it) with someone they aren't attracted to.Others are repulsed. Since ace folks can't feel attraction, these end up being the only way they can experience sex.

 

As a sexual, I can make a prediction: you're going to want sex. And if that isn't met, you're going to hurt to have that part of you suppressed, and you might fall in love with someone else. I think you should consider how to move on, even if you love each other -- part ways on good terms, with love -- but realizing you don't want to be hurting each other...

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Sally

I'll be blunt:  she doesn't want sex, you do.  You may not think you could live a pleasurable life without the physical and emotional intimacy of sex.  But you are not going to have that with her.  That's something that both of you need to be honest with each other about.  And I say this as a lifelong asexual who has had two very long relationships with sexuals:  it's not going to get any better.  You two are simply very different in a very important part of a relationship. 

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uhtred

Sex is an important part of your life.  Nothing wrong with that - for many people, love, romance, sex are all tied together. 

 

She is asexual and does not want sex.  Nothing wrong with that. Not everyone enjoys sex, and some find it very distasteful / repulsive. 

 

The problem is that you are not compatible. I cannot see how you can have a happy life together.  Why not end the relationship, no fault, just a lack of compatibility. 

 

You have been together for over a year.  I have been in an incompatible relationship for more than 30 years.  Don't be me. 

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MrDane

I bet, on some level, you want it to work sexually as well. I respect your wish to not put pressure on her. But there is a pressure that comes from the difference in sexuality. Listen to the guys on this thread, it needs a lot of hard work to be okay. Perhaps deep down, you wish that she could actually be awoken and learn to love sex or at least like it. You need to ask yourself, what if sex is off the table with her? Will you still plan to stay together forever? How is she different from a really good mate? Could you see yourself in a sexual relationship with someone else, while living with her? 

...and it does have a way of making you sound like a sex craving monster, if you say “I cant build a life with you without sex”. 

Sorry about the analogy, but what if she said stuff like: “i do not think, that you are funny. Please, do not try to make me laugh. Ever!.” Or “I love you, but the tone of your voice makes me cringe. Lets only communicate in post-its!?”

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JustSomeQuietGuy

Thank you everyone so much for your thought out responses;

 

16 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

-snip-

I like and greatly appreciate these suggestions; even just getting into topics of sex often times will make her want to topic change if it ever turns into trying to flirt on a sexual level. When we talked it over and she came out with it, i actually did ask her if even your first and second spoiler suggestions would be too much for her to handle  and although it was vague and on the fence.. it leaned moreso towards a no and not very often at all.. even if just on occasion / a few times in a week. She is very inconsistent about it and has openly admitted to that, and that the feeling comes and goes and when she is in a comfortable mindset then she'd be okay with it. I'm just having difficulty gauging potential compromises when she can change like the wind with how shes feeling..

 

16 hours ago, anisotropic said:

If she's repulsed by sex, that's a bad sign. I'm sorry to put it that bluntly.

 

Some people are relatively comfortable with having sex (indifferent to it) with someone they aren't attracted to.Others are repulsed. Since ace folks can't feel attraction, these end up being the only way they can experience sex.

 

As a sexual, I can make a prediction: you're going to want sex. And if that isn't met, you're going to hurt to have that part of you suppressed, and you might fall in love with someone else. I think you should consider how to move on, even if you love each other -- part ways on good terms, with love -- but realizing you don't want to be hurting each other...

 

16 hours ago, Sally said:

I'll be blunt:  she doesn't want sex, you do.  You may not think you could live a pleasurable life without the physical and emotional intimacy of sex.  But you are not going to have that with her.  That's something that both of you need to be honest with each other about.  And I say this as a lifelong asexual who has had two very long relationships with sexuals:  it's not going to get any better.  You two are simply very different in a very important part of a relationship. 

 

15 hours ago, uhtred said:

Sex is an important part of your life.  Nothing wrong with that - for many people, love, romance, sex are all tied together. 

 

She is asexual and does not want sex.  Nothing wrong with that. Not everyone enjoys sex, and some find it very distasteful / repulsive. 

 

The problem is that you are not compatible. I cannot see how you can have a happy life together.  Why not end the relationship, no fault, just a lack of compatibility. 

 

You have been together for over a year.  I have been in an incompatible relationship for more than 30 years.  Don't be me. 

 

6 hours ago, MrDane said:

I bet, on some level, you want it to work sexually as well. I respect your wish to not put pressure on her. But there is a pressure that comes from the difference in sexuality. Listen to the guys on this thread, it needs a lot of hard work to be okay. Perhaps deep down, you wish that she could actually be awoken and learn to love sex or at least like it. You need to ask yourself, what if sex is off the table with her? Will you still plan to stay together forever? How is she different from a really good mate? Could you see yourself in a sexual relationship with someone else, while living with her? 

...and it does have a way of making you sound like a sex craving monster, if you say “I cant build a life with you without sex”. 

Sorry about the analogy, but what if she said stuff like: “i do not think, that you are funny. Please, do not try to make me laugh. Ever!.” Or “I love you, but the tone of your voice makes me cringe. Lets only communicate in post-its!?”

I'm massively afraid of that being the end conclusion; being that our needs are making us incompatible with each other. I'd just absolutely hate a lack of sex being what causes a downfall for something so wonderful with her. We ended the discussion saying we'd just take it one step and one day at a time... and i agreed to it because of how badly i want things to work. I'm just not sure and get the impression she is unaware of just how deeply the whole thing cuts me... especially when it was so heated for the first several months of being together. everything coming to a complete stop from out of left field is what's killing me after having and sharing it so well.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or offensive at all because i'll be honest that i'm not extremely well-informed about asexuality; but I just don't understand how a person can sex-wise get so cold after being so hot in such a short time. or how even shared basic foreplay is probably too much to settle with.

 

She wants very much to compromise with me and has asked me what ways she can share with me her love and affection...   but I just don't see at all what sort of a compromise can come from it when even fulfilling the basics of sharing sexual intimacy are nowhere near a certain yes and are based on her present mood at the time. How should I respond to her about that and what do you recommend / could i ask for as a fair compromise that would at least get her to think it over? I want to try every avenue that I can without "getting my fix" from outside of our relationship... i just feel as if it's being dismissed so abruptly and it really stings..

 

Again, thank you everyone so much for your help and insight!

 

EDIT// i understand that last question in red could be potential TMI territory and i apologize for that. I'm just desperately reaching out here for a fair and valid solution and compromise. spoilers are perfectly fine, i'm just really wanting some help / opinions in all of this

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AspieAlly613

Another point of view that no one has mentioned yet is that she's probably going through the same thing, wondering how to compromise with you.

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OptimisticPessimist

For some when they realise they are Ace, they realise more about how they really feel about sex and about if they could compromise, if they can compromise and if they would want to have sex or continue to have sex.

 

If you have any questions about Asexuality, feel free to ask.


It's really important to keep talking and make sure you both are clear with each other about what you want so in terms of responding lay everything out. You could ask for a compromise and as mentioned she probably is thinking the same but again talk it all out. 

 

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Telecaster68

Fairness doesn't really come into it - it is what it is. If she feels she can't compromise, that's the end of it. You have to figure out how to live with what she *can* do. 

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alto

This is a tough one.  It's always a tough one.

 

Me, i've been in good and bad relationships.  I was at my best when I was in a relationship with another ace, but barring that, you could consider an open relationship.  If you want to learn more about that, I highly recommend the webcomic KIMCHI CUDDLES.

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MrDane

For me. I have to distinguish between sex and making love. We dont make love. She gives me sex, ocassionally even enjoys a lot. Sometimes, I guess it is more of a chore that she wants to live up to. She loves me. So I experience love, just not like it would fit me best. And I love her. I just cant share it like I would like to best. We are both monogamous.

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nanogretchen4

You didn't sign up for a mixed orientation relationship. You don't owe anyone a mixed orientation relationship just because you started dating them under the mistaken belief that they were heterosexual. There are many, many heterosexual women in the world, and I'll bet lots of them live near you. Some of them are really smart, nice, interesting people. You could probably have a great relationship with a wonderful woman who would actually want to have sex with you on a regular basis. Or, you could give up sex forever to stay in your current relationship. 

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Sally

You may not ever be able to understand why after a short time of responding enthusiastically to sex, she no longer feels that way.  She probably doesn't understand it either.  But feelings are not necessarily understandable; they're simply there.  I remember falling in love with my partner and thinking at first that I was actually feeling something sexual (which I never had before, with my husband), but now I think it was more of an extreme aesthetic attraction along with being in love.  It didn't last more than about a month.  Unfortunately, I knew nothing about asexuality then, so I kept trying and trying, for years and years and years...   I do not recommend that situation (even though you may love her, and I and my partner loved (and still love) each other.  Please think very carefully about what Nano says above -- I think it's good advice.  .  

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Rarchon

Hi, new member first time here.

 

I've been where you are at right now, 15 years ago.

 

We "Celebrated" our 15th anniversary today (on the 15th).

 

It's important to realize that while you may have the best relationship with your partner / wife, there is a huge chance that you will also be utterly wrecked emotionally on a very regular basis if you try to stick with an asexual.

 

I know a few, both males and females ( and some in between ), and they prefer honesty and understanding than trying to figure out how to make something work that is broken from the get-go.  

 

My own wife says she loves me.  I know she does.  I can't explain it.  There is absolutely nothing that can make me believe she is interested in me at all.  

There isn't a lack of romanticism or "sex".  It's just outright absent.

 

Yet, I've been with her for 15 years.  I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep, had depressions, been hurt emotionally.  

If you stick with her for love, you better be ready to live a life without any passion, any proof of attraction, any sexual interaction.  

What many consider a wonderful feeling to be desired, you very well may never get again from her.

 

All these things are very important to sink in.  

You can take the good (love) and the bad (lack of any desire from your partner) and learn to live with it.

Or you can spare both of you some very intense and deep emotional trauma and "stay friends".

 

From what I've learned about my wife, she is just as much concerned about this situation than you.  

Sure her pain does not come from lack of passion or sexual activity.  It comes from a feeling of being powerless to make the significant other happy in the relationship.

N.B.: By "Happy", I do not refer to the activity in bed but the sentiment you have when you are fulfilled, desired by your partner, that which comes naturally when you have consensual sexual intercourse and you both enjoy it.  

 

Not being able to please your partner (even if physically able to have an orgasm, she is not seeking this nor has any desire for it) takes a toll on your ego as well.

( No amount of chocolate filled waffles with berries and cream on top will have that effect either.  I know.. I tried! She enjoys them, it just isn't the same fulfillment I would get making her climax in every possible ways ).

 

Well, what was meant as a short tip really stretched a bit, sorry!

 

What I meant to say was " Understand you are making a decision for both of you.  This will affect you both in different ways all down the line.  Perhaps the situation isn't fair, life rarely is.  Sometimes we only have the choice to hurt now and for a while or making it worse later "

 

I know, I'm not helping much.  No easy yes or no answer to this one.  

 

Consider this :

 

I have not been attracted to my wife in years due to her lack of interest in me.  At some point, a one sided courtship is not healthy anymore.

I still love her and she loves me.  Platonic love?  Who knows anymore.

 

Is sacrificing your sexual life worth the risk?

At some point, lack of it is insidious, like a poison running it's course through to your heart.  Whether the scale tip one side or the other, it is never an easy decision to make.

 

Good luck friend, may your head and your heart agree with each other!

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Eyesonfire
On 12/12/2018 at 7:03 AM, JustSomeQuietGuy said:

She wants very much to compromise with me and has asked me what ways she can share with me her love and affection...   but I just don't see at all what sort of a compromise can come from it when even fulfilling the basics of sharing sexual intimacy are nowhere near a certain yes and are based on her present mood at the time. How should I respond to her about that and what do you recommend / could i ask for as a fair compromise that would at least get her to think it over? I want to try every avenue that I can without "getting my fix" from outside of our relationship... i just feel as if it's being dismissed so abruptly and it really stings..

Firstly, I just want to say that I completely understand how you feel and emphatize with your situation... I'm on your girlfriend's side of the fence, and once had a relationship with a sexual (who had an extremely high libido) for over 3 years. It was my first serious relationship and I hadn't known I was an ace, so just like you guys we got along well, just clicked really - and the first few months together things were sexually passionate. Personally, I would attribute this to the excitement of a growing relationship (many aces do feel this way), or perhaps my own oblivion to being an ace. However it became obvious over time that we were absolutely wonderful together in every way except sexually.

 

To be blunt, compromise hurts both parties. It can get ugly, and it may take a long time to manifest, so by the time you want out, it may be much later in the game. Unless you are both open to having an open relationship, a third party etc., it will be a void that you must live with. Perhaps if you were someone who had a lower libido, I would encourage you both to try on grounds of your compatibility.

 

But unfortunately it's not that simple. The truth is that she will never enjoy sex the way you do, so it'll always be a chore for her to get it done and over with. It's as bad, or possibly worse for you as the sexual, since you'll be 'trapped' in a loving, otherwise perfect relationship with nowhere to turn for sex. It's possible that you both may grow bitter over this compromise too, and feel as though the other is being demanding/depriving you of true happiness. 

 

I would caution heavily against it, it hurts now but at least you both would still be on good terms. 

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SCPDX

Sorry to pile on, but I feel you have to help people when you can. 

 

I have been in this situation a long time (together for almost 18 years, married for 17, dead bedroom for 9, fully celibate for 4 of those - non consecutively). 

 

So things were just fine for us for nine years, then we were done having kids and the sexual part of our marriage was done. 

 

I didn’t even need to read past the words “long distance” and “a little over a year.” Ace or not, if she’s that averse to sex at this point, it’s not going to get better.

 

Moving in together will probably make it worse - that compromise you’re working out now? I can all but guarantee that it’ll end up looking like mine - no sex and no physical contact and I have to pretend everything is fine and in return I get to, um..., not break up my family?

 

What you’re afraid of? You are absolutely right and rational to be afraid of it. There are times to face your fears and there are times to listen to them. This is one of the latter. 

 

I’ll join the litany of the blunt: it’s not working out. Move on from her, stay friends with her (or not), meet someone else, then don’t waste any more time here except maybe to drop in to tell us about your wonderful new girlfriend. 

 

 

 

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James121

I haven’t read the full post nor all the replies. Just the title of the thread. My advice is, if you are not married, there are no children and you have the option to leave, carefully consider it. No one wants to hurt anyone they love or are at least very fond of but trust me you don’t want to commit to someone who doesn’t regard sex as important piece of a relationship or whom can’t regard it as important because they are asexual. Very careful consideration is required before you move forward.

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