I think I disappointed a guy by accident?

[Missa]

So I have this guy friend.  We've been friends for years, and in my heart I'm definitely attracted to him.  My heart sings when I'm with him in a different way than with friends or with family.

However, I feel like being an ace is making me super clueless to cues or signals he's trying to give me. x_x We were watching some shows on Netflix the other day and we were snuggled on the couch, and he had his hand on my knee and gently stroking it with his thumb.  If a bug a was mentioned on the show, he'd playfully tickle his fingers over my leg -- since he knows bugs freak me out XD so he was teasing.

 

Anyway.  It didn't occur to me until the next day that he probably doesn't do that with his other friends lol.  I was literally on google and was like "Oh.  I think he was going for a bigger reaction when he touched my thigh."

 

Happily, he's a very nice guy so he wasn't being pushy or anything.  But I think without even realizing it I disappointed him.  Oops.

 

I do have feelings for him, so it's not like I was intentionally trying to discourage him.  I just don't get 'turned on' and it honestly didn't even occur to me that that might've been what he was hoping for during the moment.  He also doesn't know I'm ace, so it's not like he was trying to 'change my mind' or anything.  I'm guessing I likely confused him.  We're also not 'officially' dating.  It's sort of slowly evolving from friendship.

Thoughts? xD; I need help lol.

[daveb]

1 minute ago, Missa said:

Thoughts?

Talk to him?

(I know that is often MUCH easier said than done)

[Missa]

I know that's what technically makes sense, but as you said, easier said that done.  I guess I was sort of hoping to hear opinions before I open that can of worms. ^^;;;;

Since we're not 'officially' dating, it makes bringing up a conversation about it a lot more awkward.

 

Like legit,  I'm wondering whether that what happened is still what's considered flirting, or if it was more of a move or an advance or something.  We're also both 29 years old, so I can't blame my cluelessness on being an awkward adolescent.  I'm worried my casual-ness might've seemed like a rejection of sorts.

[nanogretchen4]

So, if you've known this guy for years and it's normal for you to snuggle with him on a couch, you are not so much leading him on as in a relationship with him already. You need to make your relationship status "official" ASAP. If you no longer want to be in a relationship with him you will have to break up with him. That means no more snuggling on couches and you should probably avoid being alone with him for quite a while to avoid confusion. If you do want to be in a relationship with him the talk where you very clearly and specifically explain your orientation is long overdue. He is unknowingly in a mixed orientation relationship because you have knowingly withheld crucial information from him. You owe him honesty, and you owe him an apology.

[Missa]

17 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

So, if you've known this guy for years and it's normal for you to snuggle with him on a couch, you are not so much leading him on as in a relationship with him already. You need to make your relationship status "official" ASAP. If you no longer want to be in a relationship with him you will have to break up with him. That means no more snuggling on couches and you should probably avoid being alone with him for quite a while to avoid confusion. If you do want to be in a relationship with him the talk where you very clearly and specifically explain your orientation is long overdue. He is unknowingly in a mixed orientation relationship because you have knowingly withheld crucial information from him. You owe him honesty, and you owe him an apology.

At the risk of sounding defensive -- not my intention, just trying to explain the situation a bit more, honestly -- I only figured out I was asexual around September of this year.  There's also been some confusion on my end with this 'relationship' because at times he seems to be pursuing me, but then it's back to just being normal friends.  I think what's happening is he's trying to test the waters to push it to more than just friends and since I'm so clueless, I keep discouraging him by accident.
I definitely do intend to have a conversation with him for sure.  I guess what I'm trying to do is gather more data behind his intent so I can approach the conversation more knowledgably.  I'm trying to figure out how badly he took it.  If it was as simple as being a bit confused, or if I might've hurt his feelings or his confidence.  I would hate to cause any of that.  The blame is definitely on me, I'll own up to that, but I honestly have no idea how bad the damage is.  Judging by the tone in your comment, I'm guessing pretty bad. D;

[nanogretchen4]

If you think there is any chance whatsoever that you would like to be in a relationship with him, you need to talk to him about your orientation. There is actually no rule that you can't come out to platonic friends. If you are unsure of his intentions you can frame the conversation as, "Hey, I want to talk to you about something I've discovered about myself recently, because we're such good friends and I need someone to talk to." Then in the very unlikely event that he just wants to be friends despite making up flimsy excuses to touch your thighs, no harm done. In the much more likely case where he thinks you are pretty much a couple already, he probably won't be thrilled by this bad news no matter how you reveal it.

[Missa]

7 minutes ago, nanogretchen4 said:

If you think there is any chance whatsoever that you would like to be in a relationship with him, you need to talk to him about your orientation. There is actually no rule that you can't come out to platonic friends. If you are unsure of his intentions you can frame the conversation as, "Hey, I want to talk to you about something I've discovered about myself recently, because we're such good friends and I need someone to talk to." Then in the very unlikely event that he just wants to be friends despite making up flimsy excuses to touch your thighs, no harm done. In the much more likely case where he thinks you are pretty much a couple already, he probably won't be thrilled by this bad news no matter how you reveal it.

Thankyou.  You're totally right.  How bad do you think the situation is? I'm hoping it was just a bit of confusion.  I know you don't him personally so that makes it harder to judge.  But if you were to hazard a guess?

I think I'm going to have to research flirting and stuff so I don't keep messing up. x_o; It's difficult to know what something means when you don't react in the same way as a sexual person would.  Case in point, it didn't even occur to me until the next day that what was happening was more friendly than just friends.  Ugh.

[Philip027]

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So, if you've known this guy for years and it's normal for you to snuggle with him on a couch, you are not so much leading him on as in a relationship with him already. You need to make your relationship status "official" ASAP. If you no longer want to be in a relationship with him you will have to break up with him. That means no more snuggling on couches and you should probably avoid being alone with him for quite a while to avoid confusion. If you do want to be in a relationship with him the talk where you very clearly and specifically explain your orientation is long overdue. He is unknowingly in a mixed orientation relationship because you have knowingly withheld crucial information from him. You owe him honesty, and you owe him an apology.

That's all a bit needlessly presumptuous and harsh.

 

There's a difference between "knowingly withholding" and something simply never coming up.

[Missa]

The blame was mine too.  I didn't provide enough information for the situation, so I understand why assumptions were made.  That's why I figured I better clarify more when I responded.

[Philip027]

I don't think anything you said (or didn't say) prompted that kind of a response.

 

It was expressed in a very "everything either clearly needs to be outlined as a relationship, or as not one" approach and not everyone necessarily subscribes to that style of interaction.  It was also very quick to interpret "he doesn't know I'm ace" as "I intentionally hid the fact that I'm ace from him" when for all we know, sex has never come up as a subject between the two of you ever.

 

I just don't care much for being needlessly accusatory without reason.

[nanogretchen4]

I stand by what I said. There is ample evidence that the OP knows she is asexual, knows her friend does not know she is asexual because she has not told him, and knows the relationship has moved out of strictly platonic territory. The reason it has "simply never come up" is because she has not yet fulfilled her obligation to bring it up. There is a clear right thing to do here, and I think she will probably soon do it. 

 

The subject of sex may not have come up verbally, but there has been some pretty unsubtle nonverbal communication. The touching she describes is basically foreplay, especially if this is happening while they are alone in the house or apartment. He seems to have gotten the message that she wasn't really into it on that occasion, but beyond that he has no way of knowing how she feels about him and how she does or doesn't want the relationship to progress. Especially since she says she has feelings for him and doesn't want to discourage him. She is just going to have to use her words.

[Philip027]

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The reason it has "simply never come up" is because she has not yet fulfilled her obligation to bring it up.

You could just as easily say the same thing about the guy.

 

I am not saying the OP shouldn't bother communicating.  I'm saying that it's pretty judgmental of you to suggest she should have anything to apologize about when, to me, absolutely nothing here suggests that.  Maybe if she outright lied about her orientation, sure, but that did not happen.

 

You're making the OP out to be malicious and the guy to be a victim, both of which are at best guesses without any real basis in fact.

[Missa]

Oh dear.  I didn't mean for a debate to happen, sorry.

 

Honestly, I'm just dense.  To someone else, that touching probably had a very obvious meaning, but to me that sort of thing just isn't obvious.  I don't have sexual thoughts, so it doesn't occur to me that someone else might be having them.  I feel comfortable with him, so it wasn't weird for me to be so close with him.  Obviously if a stranger had his hand on my leg I'd be getting the hell out of dodge, but when it's that comfortable I don't think much about it, nor do I tend to connect the dots until way too late when I've had more time to process.

A big part of the problem is I've been friends with him for seven years, and I'm paranoid that if I'm misreading his signals and talk to him about it, things will get awkward and that the friendship will be lost.  He was with someone when I first met him, so he was in the 'friend-only' list for some time.  So it seeming to evolve into more is something to take in.

I don't feel the way a sexual person does, so I have to think about it and process things, and nothing is obvious unless it's said outright.  Meanwhile, I've essentially shut him down without even realizing.  Hearing what was happening could be defined as foreplay, I can honestly say that right now I feel very, very ignorant.  And foolish.

 

I'm seeing him again on Sunday, and I'm planning on talking to him.

[Philip027]

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Oh dear.  I didn't mean for a debate to happen, sorry.

Once again, I don't feel it's your fault.  I'm just opinionated and this is what happens when people like me go on a public forum.

 

Thing is, I have been in similar shoes as you, maybe not in a vaguely romantic/sexual setting (but then again, maybe I have been and I just don't know about it) but in a way that I was still later made out to be foolish for not reading in to things that are apparently subtle social cues, instead relying on people actually directly stating their intentions, which people sometimes seem to suck at for whatever reason.  I don't pick up cues well; I don't do that whole song and dance.  Being Asperger's doesn't help with this.

 

In short, I don't really take kindly to people like me being treated the way that I once was in situations like yours, like it was my fault for not assuming things or not understanding social cues (if that's even what they were intended to be) and that it's something I should feel beneath others and apologetic about.  It's not, and I don't.  Piss off and come back to me when you've learned to drop the ridiculous social/courtship dances and learned how to actually communicate like a friggin adult.

 

It's fine if you're shy about it and therefore have a difficult time outright saying things, but then don't go blaming me for it when I don't understand/anticipate your intentions as a result.  That's a failure on your end to communicate, not my own.

[AspieAlly613]

I'm really socially awkward, but here's what I'd do.

 

I'd communicate with him, (preferably in writing so he has time for all of this to sink in,) and mention that

• you're only now realizing that he may have been making an advance
• that you're asexual
• that you're open to the prospect of romance with him
• what you would want this romance to look like.  Romance means different things to different people, and you'd want to come to some agreement that works for both of you.

[Sally]

1 hour ago, Missa said:

I'm seeing him again on Sunday, and I'm planning on talking to him.

Good.  Since "sexual" is kind of the default, it's good to make things clear when a relationship starts to evolve from a friendship.  He will appreciate knowing how you feel sooner rather than later.  

 

And don't feel responsible for there being a little  kerfuffle up-thread -- that happens on any forum, and it was certainly not your fault.  

[uhtred]

Lots of people mis-read signs.  I think the best thing to do is when you realize that you have mis-read someone, to find a polite way to clarify. 

 

 

[ryn2]

9 hours ago, Missa said:

I think I'm going to have to research flirting and stuff so I don't keep messing up.

Once you’ve talked with him this won’t be such a problem; you’ll have broadly explained why you don’t catch in to typical flirting.

[ryn2]

6 hours ago, AspieAlly613 said:

I'm really socially awkward, but here's what I'd do.

 

I'd communicate with him, (preferably in writing so he has time for all of this to sink in,) and mention that

• you're only now realizing that he may have been making an advance
• that you're asexual
• that you're open to the prospect of romance with him
• what you would want this romance to look like.  Romance means different things to different people, and you'd want to come to some agreement that works for both of you.

This, and that - assuming it’s true - you also are happy to stay friends if that’s what he meant all along/what he wants knowing you aren’t up for a sexual relationship.

[Missa]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

What's goofy though is that I am willing to be physical with him,I'm just too dense to pick up signs lol.  It's so much harder when you don't react like  'regular' people, because I don't catch onto the expectation or the intent at all.  That makes me feel bad because he's very sweet and considerate.  He asked first if it was okay if he sat on the couch with me (he was on a different chair for the first while), and before he got so close he asked again if it was okay.  To which I responded "yeah" in a "why wouldn't it be,silly?" kind of tone.

Gah he must be so confused. X_X

 

Definitely need to clear the air asap.