How I brought it to my partner

[anisotrophic]

People wonder how this gets handled.

I guess it's been 10 months now. What's interesting is that I actually have chat records here, because he happened to be out of town. I got back from my second therapy session – remember, going in, I was freshly identifying as non-binary. I'd decided to see a therapist about my gender issues (specializes in LGBTQIA+/kink/poly). So in case it's of interest, here's a summary of that conversation, trimmed and some parts paraphrased.

him: "Happy to chat while walking, am alone"
me: "Talked about sex life this week"
him: "Cool"
me: "[Therapist] wondered if you might want to test your testosterone or might consider yourself somewhat asexual in orientation"
him: "Yes to both I guess"
me: "I don't know if you've read much ace stuff"
him: "Don't think I have"
me: "There's forums that I found pretty easily I was browsing"
him: "What's ace stand for?"
me: "I guess many people identify as ace can still have sex they just don't really feel desire for it. It's short for asexual..."
him: "Ah k"
me: "During therapy I thought the testosterone question was interesting, but the evidence on the internet is a bit thin"
him: "I've thought about it before.. it may have been tested at my last physical I can't remember"
me: "Huh. Maybe could look into that too (seems harmless to test at least?) but after reading it seemed like it isn't the main factor for most situations and testing"
him: "Sure I'll do a physical soon anyway and ask to include it"
me: "I think if you wanted to read more about ace stuff it would be good to hear if you thought it sounded like something you identify with"
him: "Sounds good"
me: "And I guess that all had me feeling better? I guess?"
him: ":)"
me: "And she was funny she said something like 'I'm not sure how related testosterone is... I haven't actually worked with many asexual folks, they don't tend to be very unhappy about it! unless they're worried about losing a partner'"
me: "So of course they mostly don't end up seeking therapy :p"
him: "hehe"
him: "sorry my phone ran out of battery, on laptop now"
[... then some unrelated conversation, at some point I wrote "love you!!" ...]
me: "It's weirdly a relief to feel like I can accept you simply not being interested in sex? But I don't want to decide that for you."
him: "I dunno what it'd mean to decide that!"
me: "I think you reading stuff and talking about how you feel would be good, I'd like to hear it"
him: "k"
him: "off to sleep now, love you"

... so that's what happened. In retrospect, I think the fact that I'd gone in for therapy with a LGBTQIA+ therapist and came home with this unrelated suggestion made the conversation go pretty well. A legitimizing effect, more neutral, as the therapy wasn't for our relationship.

[NickyTannock]

That was interesting, thank you for sharing.

 

So was there a followup, where he had his hormones checked, as well as decided to read up on Asexuality and get back to you with his thoughts?

[anisotrophic]

@MichaelTannock ah, right – I should have included that! He did check testosterone and it was perfectly normal – almost literally, median. And it wasn't a surprise; low testosterone has other symptoms that didn't fit.

My chat records have me sending this link the next day and apologizing for being annoying about "omg I have a big revelation": https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9knjna/ten-questions-you-always-wanted-to-ask-an-asexual-person

Looking back on the initial chat, I was surprisingly "no big deal" about this. In the days, weeks, and months that followed, it became clear it was a "big deal".

We switched to verbal conversations after this – having the chat records is a coincidence of how it played out. I remember having a long reflective conversation about how I experienced sexual attraction and desire, mentally and emotionally. And him talking about not experiencing those thoughts and emotions. I remember saying, "I didn't realize you never experienced these things", and him realizing he never understood that ... there were these things other people were experiencing, that he wasn't. And that maybe it wasn't all just a string of reasons – stress or unhappiness or being busy – but that this was who he is.

I remember in that conversation, we compared it to colorblindness: how surprisingly possible it is for someone that's colorblind to muddle through life, not quite understanding that their perception of the world is fundamentally different. Thinking they're just "bad at colors", following cues and agreeing with what others say, and never knowing about the concept of "colorblindness". But once you know about colorblindness – it becomes possible to say "aha, I'm colorblind, I don't see what they see".

It's probably sometime after that, that the impact of it really started to settle in. He told me he spent some hours wondering if he's actually gay. He felt guilt for having trapped me in a marriage, family, and relationship without having known. I assured him it wasn't his fault, he couldn't have known. I started taking crazy long walks to try to process all the different emotions. Lots of talking, being upset, comforting.

That therapist ended up switching to this topic as the one I needed support on. There was mourning and adaptation. She was challenging, stuff like, "Why do you need to be attractive to your partner?" and "But this is how he's always had sex with you." Which was good, it got me to adapt.

 

And as I adapted, he increasingly identified as simply "asexual", not "gray" or whatever. I think that makes me happy, as it seems like evidence that I could give him the space to be who he is. And he cares a lot, and does a lot to help me be happy within this reality.

[NickyTannock]

Thank you again for sharing the story!

[daktarishine]

@anisotropic thank you so much for sharing ...I envy you so much for the clarity and closure. You are very brave.. So what now?  What's next for you?? 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

6 minutes ago, daktarishine said:

@anisotropic thank you so much for sharing ...I envy you so much for the clarity and closure. You are very brave.. So what now?  What's next for you?? 

 

 

Oh, we seem to be going pretty well.

He's become a lot more aware of the emotional importance sexual intimacy has for me, and I've become much more aware that it's a chore for him – but luckily for me, it's not a terrible chore, just a minor one.

So it seems to be working out, with lots of empathy and communication between us.

[daktarishine]

Good for you.. And all the best with the future.... 

[anisotrophic]

I'm sure my experience is on the lucky & likely-to-work-out end. We have excellent communication!

And he was very indifferent and okay about having sex. He had been sexual with others before me, and both genders. But it was always just going along with expectations. Bisexual behavior but it was actually ... vaguely going along with sexual behavior in the absence of attraction.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

That's fantastic! Well done! You may look back on this after 20 years of happiness-and more!