Longterm girlfriend is asexual, ED since she told me

[Micko]

I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years and we're in our early 20s.

She told me she thinks she's asexual but doesn't mind sex.

She didn't want to tell me because she was scared I'd leave. Which I won't do but I still understand her fear.

 

Now, I feel disgusted with myself. I look back at our first time, which was a first for both of us, and I feel like a rapist. Though she doesn't agree.

That leads to my other problem.

She thinks I don't love her anymore because I don't show sexual affection anymore. 

We've been cuddling a lot more yet nothing. Starting sex just leads to disappointment.

Even alone, I basically don't masturbate anymore.

 

She has self esteem problems and I'm afraid to tell her how much it impacted me.
I'm also pretty ashamed of the whole thing.

 

It's been a few months and I feel like I could go without sex. I don't want to have sex if she doesn't enjoy it. I really, really don't.

 

I don't know how to tell her that it's no big deal, that I still love her and that I've no plans to leave.

[SithAzathoth WinterDragon]

Just reasure her that you love her still, let her know you respect her for who she is , best of wishes to you and her.

[NickyTannock]

@Micko Welcome to AVEN!

 

When you say that you don't show sexual affection anymore, what do you mean?

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

[roland.o]

Hello @Micko, welcome to the AVEN forums. Have some cake...

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

She told me she thinks she's asexual but doesn't mind sex.

1 hour ago, Micko said:

I feel like a rapist. Though she doesn't agree.

You should trust her in these matters. She knows her own feelings best.

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

She thinks I don't love her anymore because I don't show sexual affection anymore.

Open communication is key for maintaining this relationship (or any relationship, for that matter). You've realized that she doesn't desire sex. You've learned that she deceived you in this respect. You still love her, but you cannot express it anymore by having sex with her. Although she doesn't desire sex, she understands that it was a way for you to express your love for her, so she is disappointed.

 

There are different ways to express love. For example, there's a book and related merchandise that promotes five of them (https://www.5lovelanguages.com/). Try a few things to keep up and improve your communication (both ways). Open up to eachother.

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

I'm afraid to tell her how much it impacted me.

And she was afraid of telling you how she feels about sex. You don't have to pour it out all at once, but you should let these things out gradually. Telling her about how you feel, how it impacted you, is a sign of your trust and love for her. If you shut up and keep these things to yourself, your relationship is doomed.

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

We've been cuddling a lot more yet nothing. Starting sex just leads to disappointment.

There's a lot of ground between cuddling and full-on sex, if I may assume you mean penetration by the latter. Sex is one of the love languages, see above. And even though she doesn't desire it, she's willing to speak that language with you, she wants to give you pleasure to express her love for you. Consciously think of it as a means of communication. It's a natural language to you, it's a foreign language for her, but you may still communicate using that language. Forget about the "goal" of penetration and orgasm. Try little things with eachother, things that don't require an erection. Give and receive pleasure, to the degree that both of you can sustain and enjoy. See where that takes you.

 

I hope you can figure something out. All the best to you!

[Micko]

@MichaelTannock Thanks!

Mostly that I don't initiate sex anymore even if she's okay with us having it.

We cuddle more than ever yet it never goes further than that.

[MrDane]

I think, you should talk about options. For me, and my ace wife, it has worked with schedules and removing all sexual foreplay. But i am being sucked into a black hole of lonelyness, insecurity and depression, when schedule is out of sync.

[NickyTannock]

@Micko It sounds like even though she doesn't need sex, knowing how much sex means for non-asexuals is what's making the absence of sexual intimacy worry her.
I don't know what to suggest, beyond telling her how you feel.

[anisotrophic]

@Micko I guess the good news is I think you have taken this seriously. You're taking it hard, and losing attraction: this happens, it's almost a given.

 

But @roland.o is right: she loves you and knows this matters to you. Personally, I'd recommend you find a way to regain your ability to initiate sexual intimacy, because it's likely to matter to *you* and she wants to provide it.

 

People are perfectly capable of consenting to & having sex with someone they aren't attracted to. And "for love" seems like a solid reason. Hell, long term couples have charity sex often too -- it's just, that's the only way you can have it. But it's not wrong, it's done for love.

 

Me: I had to push myself to resume sexual intimacy with my partner -- I always initiated but of course now I knew why and my desire just flatlined. My partner actually helped me do it. I'd feel attraction but then would stall out, I'd cry, I'd try again another day and get farther.

 

So... I think you should try to regain it. 

 

One danger if you don't: you're likely to start being attracted to someone else eventually -- it'll be hard to resist if you're sexual and unable to express that part of yourself with a current partner.

[Micko]

Thanks to all of you for your responses.

 

We had the talk!

It went okay. There was a lot of crying.

 

Basically, for now, we agreed to talk about sex again once I get some libido back.

She pointed out it might come for depression, which we'll have to look into with a professional.

 

From your answers and other threads, charity sex (is there a more formal name for it?) seems to be a very popular option. 

That being said, right now, it doesn't feel right, though it might grow on me with time as @anisotropic pointed out.

 

I've never felt an urge to have sex like some people describe on other threads even through relatively long periods of time not having it.

Daily masturbation might very well be the reason I lack such urges.

 

Am I being too optimistic about going without sex?

I really wonder how my perspective will change with time and changes in my hormonal patterns.

 

And last thing, I'm purposefully not exploring options that go outside monogamy since these seem to require an insane amount of work.

 

[anisotrophic]

Glad to hear you're communicating! It's emotional stuff.

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

That being said, right now, it doesn't feel right, though it might grow on me with time as @anisotropic pointed out.

Actually... I forced myself back into it. My therapist said it sounded like I was engaging in some self-imposed "exposure therapy" to get past my newfound aversion. Which might sound super weird since my partner didn't want sex either – but I still have sexuality, and I was feeling messed up when I couldn't experience it with him.

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

Daily masturbation might very well be the reason I lack such urges.

You might try doing this with your partner holding you – that's a pretty common way for mixed relationships to experience sexual intimacy, at least sometimes, because it puts less pressure on an ace partner.

Doing it alone leaves me feeling pretty wretched after a while, but I'm sure it varies on the person.

 

1 hour ago, Micko said:

And last thing, I'm purposefully not exploring options that go outside monogamy since these seem to require an insane amount of work.

Haha, yeah, that's how I've felt about it!

[daktarishine]

guess the good news is I think you have taken this seriously. You're taking it hard, and losing attraction: this happens, it's almost a given.  @anisotropic  thanks for saying this.... I feel so out of sex with my partner since this realisation. For us it's been 10 months and now I can't get myself to warm up even to the idea of sex.... And I didn't know what was happening... 

 

 

[Jim_Hi]

I'm 15 years into marriage with several kids. Married and in love with an asexual wife but so frustrated with being lonely and unwanted, inconvenient, refused, made to feel like I need to beg and be desperate for some passive unaffectionate sympathy sex. 

 

I think I need to end my marriage because mentallly and emotionally it isn't healthy for me and I need to love myself too. I'm able to avoid saying hurtful things and be happy; but the sexless part makes me not feel loved.  I also saw another woman once during a few months separation so I know no one will understand and I'll be painted as a horrible person / cheater on social media. I don't love anyone else, just frustrated. Hard to avoid depression and stay positive. Last counselor pointed out wife is unable to be affectionate with kids / tell them she loves them, hug our older ones.. not sure what to do.

[ryn2]

If you are this unhappy,  think hard about whether it’s better to maintain what are basically false friendships on social media (your real friends will accept that you are a good person and only did what you had to do) or to move on and have a shot at being happier.

[greynonomous]

You don’t have to want sex to understand the power it has as an easy barometer for the health of a relationship. While I don’t need sex, I had grown up being taught that sexual attraction was 50% of a healthy relationship, and I never thought twice about it just being something you do to show your love to your partner. You also give them compliments, remember their birthday and take out the garbage.

 

I would get very nervous when my partner went too long without giving signals they wanted sex. I would be afraid they were getting bored, or were sick of all my hang ups or something.

 

Something I told (and have had to repeat) my partner is just that. I have always decided to have sex because I care for them and it doesn’t repulse or hurt me (in my case). To the contrary, it’s a bit of a self esteem boost to know I can get those reactions from them, and I want my partner to feel fulfilled in our relationship.

 

They went through a bit of tose feelings you describe themselves, as I came out in the last couple months, and they were hurt that this took so long to come out, as even if rationally they know I have been figuring this out for myself till I came out to them, emotionally it feels like I lied about a fundamental component of our relationship.

 

It hurts to see them doubt themselves and their ability to read me after being together over 7 years, doubt that they are a good human being that I really love, and that they didn’t hurt me. It was my choice to make myself available for sex but they question all our encounters since the beginning of our relationship, and a big part of that is that they are a survivor.

 

The worse ones for them to try figuring out were times I would initiate, either as part of ‘making up’ after an argument, or due to the timer in the back of my head of what minimum healthy amount of sex was. I still get questions of random times that were memorable to them, and I will talk through how I recall it myself. I focus on the fact that we had a good date, or they were extra cute that day, etc. basically I have had to reassure them that I never felt coerced or did something that bad.

 

The only thing I can say to you is that you may need to discuss this with her, as ED is a common symptom for stress and depression.

 

I promise that she doesn’t want you to feel this way, or especially cause you anguish by her coming out. She was being more honest with you, because she trusts you more now than before (as she was afraid you would leave before?).

 

Finally, trust her to be honest about what she is and isn’t comfortable with, and figure out what will work for the both of you. I think you need to clarify WHAT she means by her type of aceness (there are many flavors on the spectrum), and discuss looking at the resources and recommendations on this site.

 

It may be hard to have these discussions together because you’ll question if she is hiding other bombshells or something, and you will be uncomfortable talking about schedules and minutiae such as how much cuddling or affection in general is good or too much. However it is better to self reflect and be honest about your needs now, instead of going cold turkey and then resenting her for something that you could have clarified on the get go.

 

Also, take the time to discuss a plan for keeping the romance and your individual mental health strong.

 

 

 

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, greynonomous said:

I still get questions of random times that were memorable to them, and I will talk through how I recall it myself.

Ah, it's me! I love reading it, because I sounds like me, it takes (took?) a long time to process it.

 

It's reassuring to hear others having the same experience, especially sharing the other side of it.

 

And that I was, in the end, happier for sexual intimacy within the new understanding, because it's a part of who I am, and that he wants that for me.

 

Thank you for writing all this.

[nanogretchen4]

Actually, I don't think you can trust her to be honest about what she is and isn't comfortable with. Five years into the relationship she is revealing that she did not want sex any of the times she has had it with you, yet she concealed this fact because she was afraid you would leave. That's not a track record that inspires trust. 

 

You didn't give informed consent to spending five years in a mixed orientation relationship. This relationship has done you significant psychological harm. You need to prioritize your mental health and longterm well being above your girlfriend's fragile self esteem or whatever.

 

Everyone else will give you advice for how to make the relationship work. They are going to talk to you about how to convince yourself that you are okay with occasional pity sex, and all sorts of other depressing things that are not part of most people's lives because most people are not in mixed orientation relationships. I'm going to tell you that you don't need that crap in your life. You are still so young. If you are willing to entertain the notion that your current girlfriend is not the one, you have excellent chances of finding a heterosexual woman with all sorts of loveable qualities. You could have a happy marriage with a healthy, joyful, mutually enthusiastic sex life. You could heal instead of doing further damage to yourself. If you wait a few more years, a lot of the women your age will already be married, so this is somewhat time sensitive. Think it over.

[roland.o]

@nanogretchen4, although I do not personally share your gloomy view on this particular matter, it's good to get a fundamentally different perspective into this discussion. Thanks for posting it.